Will you even think of me after this is all over?

“Sometimes I even wonder if it's even worth it making all of these connections with people if I know that I'm never going to see them ever again after all of this.”

Today was almost like a brutal eye-opener of what other people think concerning the passage of time and the fact that things change. It was slightly sad and disappointing to hear the thoughts of some people who I had come to know and appreciate.

Is there a point in making all these connections with people, if you know that they're not going to last anyways? How I always saw it, was to never focus on the possibility of never seeing a person ever again, but the fact that you were able to know a person the way you did, and even if you're not as close or as connected with the person as you once were, what matters is that you are able to still carry a piece of that person with you. What matters is that you're able to look back and remember those moments with that person and the joy you shared with this person. It's almost like death, in a way. Is it right to look at it in that perspective? Everyone dies, so would it make sense to just go on never seeing the beauty of the life around you because you know that it's all going to die away anyways?

I understand that there are several people in this world, and with that many different relationships that can spring forth from so many different people. Yes, people come and go from your life, but isn't it better to have at least experienced what you could from and with that person, rather than never putting in any effort at all simply because you know that it will all just fade? What matters is that it's happening now, and it's important to you now, so if you can't have it forever, at least make do with whatever time you're given.

The most random thing ever so I might as well post this.

Today has been an interesting day...I guess. I can't decide if I'm just tired or if I'm still getting off of all the crazy. I don't know what to think. Music plays an interesting role in my life. It's amazing how much of an impact it can add. I don't know, I can't even get all of my thoughts to go through because I barely even know what's going on inside. I think it's something I need some silence for. I don't know. I just want to be quiet and reflective, so maybe I'm still unwinding from everything that happened last night. It was amazing what happened but I don't even think I could go into it. I hope I'm not actually getting haunted by anything, maybe I should be asked to be prayed for.
Okay, so major thought process ramble until I figure out what I want to say. It's like a bunch of different songs playing over and over, my thoughts go whichever they go pretty much. I don't even know what I'm saying or it makes any sense worth anything. Whatever. So currently, I'm with my boyfriend and some friends, but I kinda wanted to have alone time but who knows? I don't even know what I want or what I'm thinking or etc etc. My brain is all over the place and I feel like I should be doing things but I don't even know if I have things. I basically don't even know what's happening and I don't even know if it's okay that I don't or what. Gee whiz. I'm totally listening to Jango and I have the radio station set to IU, so that's all good. Yeah, I guess life is good, pretty much. Who knows? Who cares? For some reason, that kinda sounds like my dad I guess.

It's Stormy.

Well, it's one of those terrible nights that I can't sleep. I have so much ranting and I know I'm so behind with updating and blah. Trust me, I have two potentially awesome posts (I guess) that I had written awhile ago, but I just haven't put them on here yet. I'm currently typing this from my upgraded smart phone as we speak. I'm hoping that maybe if I bable enough, I'll finally get my bbrain to stop going a mile minute, and my emotions to stop going haywire alongside my rushing thoughts. Seriously. I don't know how to deal with anything. My resolves are pointless and I am a total weakling. I don't know where to begin. I have so many things that irk me, so many things that I want to go home to, so many things that I don't even know how to feel about. I will say this though, I'm ready to go home. don't get me wrong, I love being here, but it's just getting to the point of everything being too much. I'm terrible in that I'm so conflicted becuase the awful truth is that I want to push people away, but I can't. But, what also happens sometimes is that I want to be close to people, but then I end up pushing them away. Sometimes, I really don't like myself. I'm always in this constant push and pull within. I hate it at times. Well, most of the time. I don't even know if these tears are wasted. I still struggle with failure of expression. Even though I'm an extrovert, there are still certain topics of discussion and certain things where I am still so painfully shy. I hate talking about things when I'm forced to be open about it, which is probably why I can be more comfortable talking about serious things with people who I barely know. It's almost as if the closer a person gets to me, the farther away I make them. I bring people close just to push them away,and others I bring close becuase they're far away. I have no idea how I have friends sometimes. Even though I'm okay on the outside, whenever I'm alone sometimes I still find myself crying becuase of the pain that I would get from a person...even when most of the time, the person would have no idea how upset I am. Sometimes I do sit and wonder if I actually have psychological problems or if every person has weird conflicts like this. Then some other form of my consciousness looks at my entire thought process and is just like, "okay hold up. You're being really stupid right now. Just look at yourself. Yeah." I don't know. I desire for eternal peace of mind, but I feel like that would only be granted to me once I'm dead.

That Kid.

I can see why God listens very well to children. They're just so innocent and can believe and have such strong faith right away. As people grow older, they experience more things and I guess because of this, they become more skeptical. It's like they seem to associate children and everything in accordance with them as only "childish" and nothing more than that. In reality though, there's so much a person can learn from children. Also, there's so many things that we learn at a child's age that we tend to forget as we get older. We really need to take a step back sometimes and realize how it was when we were their age and sometimes we also need to be reminded of what was taught to us back then.

A couple of days ago, I was at the YMCA exercising. After my workout, I went to the TV lounge to take a little break. There was no one there except for this young boy. He had on a cap, a t-shirt that was way too big for him, and a basketball (of course he had on pants, but the things I listed were the things I found interesting haha). As I entered the room, we acknowledged each other with a smile and mutual nod. I was looking at a book and he was sitting quietly watching TV. I will admit, I was being a total creeper because every once in awhile, instead of reading the book I would be peering over it to study that kid. He was just quietly watching TV so I looked to see what was on and here, the channel that was on was MTV! Now personally, I don't like MTV and children should definitely not be watching that stuff or even be into that kind of stuff. The things that were on that channel were definitely not age appropriate either. That was when I really started paying attention to him and seeing if he really wanted to watch this or if he thought, I don't know, maybe because someone had left it on this channel he thought he didn't have a choice but to watch it. I finally came out and said "hey kid. Is the basketball court closed or something?" and he told me that it was closed for cleaning, so I said "Oh okay. I was wondering why no one was in there. Look, are you watching this?" then he nodded his head. Then I said "oh okay, I was just wondering, because you know, if you don't want to watch it, you can just change the channel, okay? I'm not watching so you don't have to worry about me." Then later my mom came in and started reading the newspaper that was on the table. I was looking in her direction but in all honesty I was still observing that kid. After a few more minutes I looked at the TV and again with the whole inappropriateness I was like "Hey kid, are you sure you're watching? Because I don't know about you, but personally, I would rather be watching Spongebob than this." Then he smiled and asked me if I could change the channel for him and so I changed it to the one that he wanted me to change it to. Thank goodness it was age-appropriate and something that he should be watching and personally, I'd honestly rather be watching that than whatever was happening on the other channel.

Later after I was explaining to Mom my intentions she told me "well, how could he change the channel? He was too short!" which made me wonder if the only reason why the channel was never changed was because he actually couldn't reach it and was afraid to ask a "stranger" if he/she could change it for him. That brings me to another reflection: the saying "if you don't ask for it, it will never be given to you" is so true. You have to be willing to ask for help when you know you need it, and even when you think you can do it but in reality actually do need help. Otherwise, where will the improvement be?

I mustered enough courage to step outside of my box to talk to him and to hopefully, even if it's in the littlest of ways, prevent him from getting sucked in any further to those kinds of things. To be honest, it kinda surprised me because you really never know what the simplest of actions can actually do.

Regardless, I didn't want that kid to be stripped of his innocent nature at such a young age. I didn't want that kid to be exposed to that kind of stuff, especially at his age. Society puts all of this stuff out there and young people see it and eat it all up. They get brainwashed into thinking that all of that is cool and that they should be doing that too, even though that's so far from the truth.

Sure, call me traditional, old-school, whatever. Personally though, I'd rather have children be concerned with what Dr. Suess book to read next rather than how to twerk in a bucket of water.

Fervently Awaiting Your Return.

"Would you wait 10 years for me?"

That question planted itself in my mind and has dug its roots and spread its branches across my heart.

Lately, there has been this reoccurring theme in my life: waiting. The other day, I hungout with my boyfriend on Google+ for a short time. He had to go but we told each other that we would talk more later. When later came, he was ready but I was busy watching a Korean drama (those things are so addicting!). I told him that I would hangout with him as soon as I finished the episode. Once it ended I sent him a message saying that I was ready. I didn't get a reply back right away though. I figured that was perfectly fine because he's always waiting on me. It's my turn to wait for a change. As I was thinking about that, I began to contemplate on him and God's plan for us and how much I've come to love him so much. Then, I found myself saying "I would wait forever for him, an eternity if I have to." Hearing myself say those words surprised me, but made me happy because of the true sincerity behind them.

Later that night, I ended up watching a four-hour long Bollywood movie. To be specific, Jab Tak Hai Jaan. In the movie, there was a man and a woman that had fallen in love, but it wasn't their time to love yet. The man had an undying love for the woman, and the woman had an unflinching faith that he would return to her again someday. 10 years had passed before they ever crossed paths again and yet, despite all that time, the other was still and forever shall be, their only one.
It was really a beautiful and inspiring movie that touched me deeply. I admired their loyalty, dedication, and perseverance. When they met again after such a long journey, they were still as in love as they were from the very beginning. Of course, there was a new flavor to it. Challenges encourage growth and those 10 years apart only helped to make their bond even stronger and even moved a person who had turned his back on God to start believing again.

In this modern day world, people can have lovers left and right. They can be with one person one day, and then another the next. They become concerned with the "here and now" and just that. "I'll love you all night long" is the exact same thing as "I'll love you just for this night."

I don't know about you, but I don't want that. I'm not after temporary. I would rather experience and be a part of a true, meaningful, long-lasting love. Even if that means I have to wait 10 years or more for it. Even if I have to wait for an eternity.

So if you need me, I'll be here, unmoving. I won't sway or turn away. I'll do my best to be patient and fervently await your return. Until then, I'll dream of the day when I can simply hold your hand again.