Once Again.

I guess this is what I get for wanting to spend time with you. It's like a passive disappointment. In my attempt, you've still succeeded because now you've found something better to occupy your time. Something you'd get paid for doing. A job? Honestly, you really are ahead of me in everything. Coming to terms with myself, I've come to realize that I shouldn't be so selfish. You have your life to live, and even though you may say you'll try, I don't think you will be successful in coming to my aid. You're too busy, but I understand. It's okay. I did want to have a chance to tell you how much you will be missed; actually, how much you are missed. Thinking of it rationally, I guess there's no point in pursuit. Maintaining contact even now already seems so impossible. I do wish to try, but part of me feels that it would be better for you if I don't. I just wanted to be near you, so I'm glad it happened, at least for a short time. It's okay. If it benefits you, and makes you happy, then I don't mind being alone. It's all right for me to wait for the next time around. Of course, I can't help but feel the sadness that must come, but at least I'll have it to keep me company.
Hello, my all too familiar friend. How have I been?

Philosophies for a Lifetime.

Hope is a wonderful thing. That is my final decision. I don't want to ever give in to despair. Hope is what brings faith, and that is what keeps humanity going. Hope. We have to keep trying, that's all we can do. We can't just give up, because what happens then? I want to live my life, if not succeeding in some things, I want to be able to say that at least I tried. I'm going to dare to hope.
I hope that I'll survive everything that awaits me. I hope that I'll be able to finish my journey. I hope that the people in my life get to be with me always, even though we may have to be apart at times. I just have to pray and hope, and have faith that after everything is said and done, it will be okay.

I think I know how to breathe, in general. But, I guess I'm learning how to breathe better. Funny, "Calm down." The strangest comment/advice I've ever gotten...but it's very valuable. I love to take in everything. I guess that's how I am, even though I may miss things accidentally, I really don't want to...maybe that's why everyone points out my 'attention to detail.' I guess that's why it's so easy for me to get amused or excited, because I embrace all that's around me. I guess every once in a while I do have to calm down, so thanks.

I suppose people can have periods of time where they really don't like you. I don't know, I'm still trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. The funny thing is, I try to psycho-analyze those people, well, I guess people in general, but hey, they're really interesting to study. I think if everyone stopped to think of how the other person must be going through, there wouldn't be so much conflict due to misunderstanding or miscommunication. After all, that's usually the reason why things get out of hand, and sometimes our pride gets in the way of trying to straighten it out properly. Then, it becomes the spark to ignite a war. Which is never good. I like to read a book, and see the good things about it, and learn to accept the bad things about it, and just accept it as what it is. After all, who am I to judge?

It hurts, but it's a bittersweet kind of thing. I'm really going to miss everyone. Part of me really doesn't want to think that, but the other part of me can't help it. As usual, I have the battle raging inside my soul...but even so, I don't ever want to lose sight of that inner peace. I know that everyone possesses it, it's just that a lot of people haven't realized it yet.

Ranting of the century...

Okay everyone! Who wants to hear about my hypothetical plans of my life? Well, obviously with the start of that, this is going to be a severe ranting post...so if you really don't like this one, I understand.
1. I'm going to move out of my current living area, away from, just away. Pursue what it is I want for my life. I'm going to go on and not listen to anyone else but God and me. I'll be able to live by my heart, and not by all the chaos that haunts my mind. If I end up living in a box, hey, it'll be okay, I'll make friends with the neighbors. Obviously, no kids, possibly no marriage either. I'll make sure to alter my name and contact information so no family member will find me...unless I want them to find me. That way, no one of them will feel sorry for me, or nag at me at my choices, or force me to do something that I don't want to do.
You know, thinking about it now. All I really want to do is something that I can be happy with, but I also wanted something that can make my parents proud. I guess in this scenario, you can't have everything...which brings me to hypothetical plan number two.
2. Okay, I'll go ahead with this 'plan' of going into a university that I feel intimidated by and take biology as a major. Looking at my possible class schedule, I will be miserable during my college years, but, if I survive, I could live anywhere (pretty much) and have a pretty good pay. Honestly, that doesn't sound great, sure, I'll have all that awesome stuff and that amazing convenience, but will I be happy and content with my life?
I have come to the conclusion that if I fall in love, or if I end with a certain someone, who shares the same passions as I do, who can appreciate and live with me, and who's willing to wait, and who I know is worth it, then having to settle for the job that I only did out of conveniency would be okay by me. As long as I had that person.
Now for my list of complaints...
Why wasn't I accepted into the music program? I didn't realize how deeply it truly cut into me. I love to create. I love to be. When I play that song, sing along, sketch that idea, I become alive. I can vent, I can relate, I can somehow express what goes on in my life. I can demonstrate how I feel by those means a lot more than speaking to a psychologist. I can barely talk to one of my dearest friends (who, by the way, psycho-analyzes me). I feel like she knows this side of me the most and yet it isn't fully grasped until she reads these posts. I know that you can ask God, but sometimes the answer is 'no'. But if that's truly the answer, then why in the world did He give me these talents? Why did He give me these passions? Why did He create me in such a backward way if I wasn't even meant to go down this path? I knew I had confusion about all this, but reflecting on it further made me realize that I had frustration from all of this as well. It makes me feel sick and causes me to become immobile. I honestly don't feel like moving because I'm so dizzy that I don't know where to stop. I imagine that this is the most inconvenient time to have a meltdown, but one can only bend so far. An egg can only withstand so much pressure before finally cracking.
I want to be my very own, personal, unique, genuine me. I don't mind being different, in fact, I love going against the crowd. I want to live by what I feel is moral and what I feel and know in my heart that is right. The only problem is my heart is still fighting with my head, and so my whole body and soul become like dark clouds wrestling within each other.
Dear God,
If I don't get to pursue music here on Earth, if I make it to Heaven, would it be okay if I sing with the choir? Please?

The Kind-Hearted Reflection.

You are so terribly like me, it makes me smile. I stumbled upon a quote recently. It was something like "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." by Mohandas Gandhi. You are neither my mirror, nor my wall. You are not exactly like me, but you are not exactly unlike me. Rather, I see you as a reflection in water. We have our differences, and yet still the same. When the water starts to run, our reflection becomes distorted to the point where we can no longer resemble each other. That is our difference. When the waters are calm, we see each other once again, but all throughout we share our connection.
I suppose you can say that this is my pathetic attempt at trying to make more time together, well, not entirely pathetic, on account that I sincerely do need assistance.
But honestly, why are you doing this? Why are you?
You're so busy with your own life. I'm sure that alone will leave you tiresome. But, to let me take up whatever spare time you have for yourself? You are truly good-natured and for that I am grateful. It gives me an unbelievable hope to know that amidst everything, you're still willing to try.
The funny thing is, I would do the exact same thing.
Thank you. :)

Amidst the Fog

Personally, you drive me mad.
I'm trying to make sure that I can still function properly. Honestly, you're not at all aware of what you do to me.
A touch. A few caresses here and there.
That simple moment was enough to cause my heart to sing. It sounds so beautiful when you play it, and as usual, I anxiously await another encounter. I don't understand. On the outside, it seemed as though you merely sat next to me and caressed my hair. On the inside...it wasn't exactly butterflies. It gave a thrill, and yet it felt so nice, as if the warmth of light came to keep me company for awhile. Why must you do this to me? Why is it that I savor each and every touch from your hand? I long for you to come near and talk with me, and yet I feel as though anything I can ever think of to say seems so pointless.
Your melody soothes and excites. Could this possibly be more than what this is? Our time is too short, and it seems almost not fair. I guess what matters most is that I was given this opportunity to know you, but there's still so much I have to learn. Barry Manilow has this song, "We're still here, it's just that we're out of time. Like two ships that pass in the night." That's how I feel about us. Meeting you is one of the major things that has made this year worthwhile.
But it's too soon to say goodbye. We still have time, so I pray that I will be holding on tightly to our seconds.
Time may tear us asunder
and fog may split us up.
We must journey on forever
though my bittersweet tears fill this cup.
But I beg of you to remember
every moment we spent together.
Day by day
night by night
if what is said is true,
then maybe one day,
someday,
somehow,
I'll be led back to you.