21, what?!? I thought I was 15...

I'm pretty sure that my mental age is somewhere in high school. Seriously, and by that I mean maybe somewhere in the middle. It's as if my life is doomed to being an eternal sophomore or junior. People getting married, having children, working in the professional world? What is that?

This is my spiel about it all.
My friends are getting married, producing like rabbits (okay, major hyperbole), and getting out into the professional world.

Okay, out of all those things, the thing that I understand most is the getting out into the professional world part. I guess it's because the marriage and relationship aspect is still foreign to me, it all just seems extra weird. (recap: even though I am a hopeless pathetic romantic, for awhile the thought of being in a relationship scared me and I thought I was just comfortable by myself. I was scared of being vulnerable. This is why my boyfriend is a special case, because when I found out he was interested in me up to know, surprisingly no red flags have appeared. That in itself is pretty weird too.) But seriously, seeing it all happen around me: friends getting older, lives starting to develop, people moving away.

Part of me is sad and hates to face the truth: we are no longer those little kids. We are no longer those crazy teenagers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy, and so are my friends, but things are changing. Usually I don't mind change, but when I feel it is when it becomes bothersome.

In order to avoid being overwhelmed (from everything), I usually melt down into a manga. I've been reading Skip Beat lately, and it's pretty awesome and full of wonderful fangirl moments hahaha :)

I know that avoiding it isn't necessarily the best way to go about with it, but I just want to immerse myself in something outside of myself for as long as possible because I know that soon I'll be thrown into everything once again.

So for now, just leave me alone. Please.

Swimming in Filth

"When you get bit by a snake, you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well, that's what I had to do. I had to suck all the poison out of my life."
-Mean Girls

It's really funny because that's the only take home quote I got out of that movie because it's very true. (Other quotes I got from that movie are pointless funny ones like "is butter a carb?" or "the limit does not exist!" or "and there's a 40% chance that it's already raining!" or other ridiculous ones like that :P but back on topic!)

It's funny when I come home for the summer because at some point during it, I stray away and seem to lose sight of myself somewhere in the middle. I guess what matters is that I find out the direction that I'm going is actually something I don't want and do my best to get back on track again.

I have been so consumed by life and meeting peoples demands and trying to figure out what I need to do and figuring out my own personal goals I want to accomplish that I had strayed away from the basics. These so-called basics include: my faith life, my family life, and my friend life.

I guess it's always an adjustment going to and coming from a passionately Catholic university. Suddenly coming back to the real world is like air that had grown accustomed to being in a bubble for so long that when it popped the inner air is forced to mingle with the outside air, that wasn't as comfortable or as clean as the air within the bubble. The air outside the bubble has clean air, but there is also polluted air as well. The mixings of all the different types of air plus the adjustment of being outside the bubble can get overwhelming. I guess in a way, it's much easier maintaining consistency with things because of how my university is, it's meant to support but could also be a crutch if you're not prepared to follow it out into the world and bring it with you. I feel like I do that, but there are times where I just lose sight of myself, ya know? I mean, I'm not perfect. I struggle with keeping up with my devotionals at times, I need a cheat sheet for the mysteries of the rosary, and I sin just as much as the next guy. The thing that blocks me is that I let those things accumulate to where they bog me down and start to bother me.

Concerning my family life, I've recognized a series of small things that if not treated soon could metastasize to something greater (definitely not for the good, like cancer or something). Little things, like inconsistencies, miscommunications, not eating a meal together or praying together as a family, these little things add up and could eventually lead to problems. My behavior towards my family hasn't been the best lately. I haven't been working on putting my best foot forward and working on making progress. I guess I've admitted that I have a problem, but now I have to work towards making the situation better.

Friends. Wow, I'm an extrovert but lately I feel like I just want to separate myself from my friends. Have you ever felt that it was just too much to keep up with someone? That's how I feel. Out of all of my friends, it only seems like I have one exception that I surprisingly don't mind. I even told my sister that I feel like I would be okay if she was only friend. I think it's just that I've been isolating myself because I've gotten so busy, to the point that I'm comfortable that way. To be honest, talking with my friends just seems to overwhelm me for some reason. Hearing from people from school just makes me want to keep occupying myself and moving on. I thought it was just them, but whenever we were going to have a reunion of sorts a couple days ago consisting of friends from home, I didn't want to go. Of course, I felt so bad afterward, especially when one of my friends who I literally only see once a year (if I'm lucky) was there and he really wanted to see me. After I messaged him later he told me that he wished I was there, which makes me feel even worse. I'm trying to figure things out for myself and just need space, but by not communicating with people, it seems as if they're starting to think that I'm mad at them or I've forgotten about them.

I really am the worst at keeping up with people.

I can see how I can help suck the poison out concerning my friends, but I'm not ready to face them yet. I love school, but I'm not ready to be back in the swing of things. I can see how I can help suck the poison out of my family relations, but it's also hard because they know just how to provoke me. I can see how I can help to foster my relationship in my faith life, but I'm so much of a scatter brain I've been shutting down!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

But anyways, I'm still making improvements, slowly and slowly. That's okay though, because the thing that's keeping me going is the fact that I am improving, even if it is slowly. :)