I don't mind being sad, as long as I'm alone.

Sometimes my artistic curiosity takes a leap in sketchy waters. I came up with one of the weirdest ideas ever after being unknowingly inspired when I went to this art museum with my boyfriend. It's one of those things where "I would totally jump on it if I didn't have my own sense of morals and strong belief system". It's really weird how for the sake of someone else or my own curiosity I'm willing to take that step, but only in the shallow waters of it. I usually end up wondering if I'm going to regret it or not during the entire process, and well, whatever happens happens I guess.

I guess in a way it's kinda like how I picked this one scene that's not exactly rated PG to write a screenplay for my film class. But, to be honest, I was desperate because of the circumstances of the assignment and I picked it because it was so shocking that I'm sure I would have remembered if it was actually in the tv series, since I had to pick a scene that was in the book but not in the tv series. I feel like it may be true about all of my "psych tests" and whatever else about doing/picking things that say I have a raging libido are true. Oh well, whatever.

It's been a stressful week and my filters are starting to disintegrate. The word vomit and not caring about the word vomit happens every once in awhile. I'd like to think that I have a fairly good amount of self control and a lot of the time things that bother me I can brush off so easily and be done with it, but this week has been the struggle. I was able to keep it internally for the most part but it was crazy because while everything was happening, I was realizing how ridiculous I was and am still being. Blahhhhhhhh

Literally this is just me not ranting, but rambling on and on about the minor details of my life I suppose. So I'll just randomly talk about stuff, like the fact that I've been reflecting on sad things today, just because of the random things happening that remind me of random sad anime moments. Also, I'm listening to sad anime OST music, but to be honest, I really like sad and bittersweet music. Even when I was younger I used to say that my ears are tuned to bittersweet melodies.
They're painful, and yet beautiful in their aching. I think that may be why I like them.

But in all of everything right now, I'm just honestly tired. I have to keep going but lost my motivation somewhere along the way. I feel like everything will be better once I finish everything tomorrow, but I feel like I'm already crawling towards the finish line with a missing leg. The id in me just wants to do nothing but maybe watch movies and eat things and snuggle with my boyfriend. I did want to go on a walk with him this weekend and take pretty fall pictures too, so I'm really hoping that the weather will be nice this weekend. It doesn't have to be warm, just nice. I hate it because I feel like I sound like a clingy girl who can't stop talking about her boyfriend whenever I mention him. To be honest, whenever I'm in extrovert mode, I actually try not to bring him up too much because I miss him ridiculously already and hearing myself admit that aloud...well, who knows what could happen, so I just let my friends do all the whining about how much they miss him and want him here and I just smile back at them and not say anything. Sometimes it's really funny because they complain and complain and whine and not even think or realize how it affects me, I guess. One of my friends caught on though, so that was nice. Everyone else still complains. Oh well. I guess, if I'm being honest with myself, the reason why it initially bothered me so much to begin with was because for the most part, all of my friends from college got to see him over the summer and I wasn't able to.

One of the things that I hate is when people send me awesome pictures and saying "why aren't you here?!?" and all the other things like that. I just hate missing people to the point that I honestly don't even look at those pictures. So, whenever I got pictures from him or from my other friends sending them to me or posting them on Facebook or whatever, I avoid them like the plague. The truth, yeah I think I'm jealous. In addition to that, I'm a lonely person. But I don't wanna tell them that, because I'm being stupid. So yeah, I avoid them like the plague and just focus on my life: the here and now, and the people who are in it for right now. Sometimes I feel like I could live my life just moving on. I think that's why for the longest time I was so comfortable with just being by myself and not in a relationship, because I didn't have to worry about dragging anyone down with me no matter what path I end up taking. Stupid fears. I don't want to let myself down, but then I realize that I'm living for more than just myself, the fear of letting them down whispers in the back of my mind.

I really need to focus on physics but I just want to do nothing. Well, school related at least. I guess those are some ramblings that have been brewing within me for awhile that I was ready to let go of, so there it is. Until next time everyone ^_^

So, in conclusion, I need to start watching a ridiculously sad anime/korean drama soon.

Thanks so much for being wonderful and I hope you all have a great rest of the week! ^_^