How My Day Went

SO. I went to school and did some more crying. He didn't show up at school, which I figured would be the case. My friend Devin, one of my best friends who is exactly like a brother to me, was there for me and comforted me. He and others told me it'd be okay and that they doubt that he wanted to break up and that he will change his mind. I texted him and told him that I didn't want us to break up and that I will be understanding and be there for him a 100% and wouldn't leave his side (figuratively speaking) until things got better. Everytime my phone vibrated in my classes I'd panic and my heart would race and got really anxious. AFter my 5th hour class I went to look on facebook with what was going on. Too see if he had posted anything or if he had changed his relationship status to single yet. Anything to tell me what was going on. Facebook on my phone was acting up but then I got a text from him when my friend walked up. He texted me and told me that it was okay and that he just didn't want me to get all worked up because he wouldn't be able to give me his full attention. He knows Im not like that at all. v_v. Anyways, I saw that text and I bursted into tears AGAIN. Mostly out of relief and happiness, but I double checked and made sure if we weren't breaking up. He told me no. I still felt terrible after that and the day dragged on and on. On top of all of that I didn't feel the greatest. The anxiety was getting the best of me and my legs were sore from exercising and I was exhausted because I barely got sleep last night. And almost went home early and called in to work. I had calmed down but when I got to work, my coworker who escaladed problems with my boyfriend and his family got on my case because of something he had said to her last night and I flat out told her I don't want to talk about it. Then I got a message on facebook from my aunt who lives in Iowa where my dad is and the rest of my family. I had asked her a few days ago if she knew what was up with my dad and if his phone got shut off because he and his fiance wasn't answering my texts. I could have called but I don't really talk to them over the phone, but Im going to try it tomorrow after school. She told me that he hasnt' talked to them in a while and has barely seen his nieces new kids who are almost a year now and that she's mad at him and doesn't know what's going on. That tore me up because I miss my dad. And not only is he not talking to me but he's not even seeing his sister or neices and their babies and he lives in the same city as them. So I cried because of that. Then work went downhill from there. I almost had an anxiety attack. I was shaking and felt sick and kept rocking back in forth trying to make the anxiety feeling in my stomach go away. They told me at work that I didn't look so good. My manager was going to send my cousin home because labor was high, but I had asked her to send me home instead, so she did. Im starting to feel better but I don't know what's up with this anxiety because it has NEVER been a problem before and has been getting worse. I see my therapist tomorrow, but I don't think she will understand. I think she will tell me it's in my head. IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD I FEEL IT IN MY STOMACH AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! It got so bad that I almost started crying because of that too. I had a little mini meltdown. I finally had just stopped shaking because Im keeping myself busy by typing this and what-not, but I feel like I'm going mad.

Break Up?!

Last night I woke up at 3 in the morning randomly like I always do and had a text from Kurtis, my bf, telling me he wants to break up because his mom is waiting to be diagnosed with cancer and he has a lot going on and he wants to fix things with his mom. I just want to be there for him. I love him so much and I hate seeing him go through this... AGAIN. Last time he and I were together his dad was also diagnosed with cancer, but I guess the doctors took care of it. I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do. I want to go to school and tell him if he really wants to break up with me I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me he DOESN'T love me without hesitation, without lying. Just yesterday he wrote me a note telling me he loved me so much and he wanted to cry of happiness. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. I'm probably going to cry all day today and a ton of people will see me and I hate that.

I Don't Get It

Hi guys. I've been busy a lot! I hang out a lot more now that I have a boyfriend so I spend a lot less time here at home. Today I decided I need a day to myself.

I don't get it, but everytime that I am in a relationship (especially in one that I care about a LOT) I get really down and sad. Right now I wonder if it's the fact that I'm scared of being hurt or something. Or even maybe the fact that I don't feel like I'm good enough. I hate it so much. Will I never be happy? I don't have problems with being myself and I'm very comfortable with myself. I don't think I'm ugly, I don't think I'm stupid or gross or fat. I just don't understand it at all. v_v. I've been so stressed out and so concerned with so much. I also feel bad because I always come on here and talk about when I'm upset. Rarely when I am happy.

I'll talk about happy things now. Kurtis is amazing and he always knows how to make me smile. I love being with him and it's 10 times better this time than it was the first time. I've been in a bad mood lately, so I feel bad because I don't think I've been the greatest person to be around. But I'm really trying.

What Am I Doing? lol

The past 3 days have been really fun. Besides the fact that Im sick. I couldn't go into work yesterday. I went to urgent care to see if it's anything bad. I tested negative for strep throat. And Im waiting for the flu results.

As for my new (well hes not neww but) boyfriend, Kurtis, he and I are doing good. :). November 2010 we dated for like 2 months and we absolutely adored eachother, but we got into a huge argument and I don't even remember what it was about and when we broke up I cried for about 2 weeks after it had happened. He and I used to do a lot together. We might as well have been married! XD. We have hung out since Monday and hopefully today he can hang out again because he told me that he'd message me when he wanted me to pick him up. Well he doesn't want me to pick him up but he lives out of town and I don't want him to walk. x_x. He lives like 4 miles out of the town I live in. AAAH I JUST SNEEZED! I HATE SNEEZING! Last night my mom didn't want to take me to the clinic so she wrote me a note and Kurtis ended up going with me. After that we went to Wendy's so I could give them a doctors note so they know I went there and that Im not faking sick. I had forgotten that Nick called her in to take my place and so I started FREAKING out. And that was bad because they had made me take deep breaths and it took a ton of energy out of me then I was out of breath. He didn't want to go in with me but I made him! He didn't want it to look bad because he's my boyfriend! lol. <3. We went in there and Savannah was all smiley smiley to Kurtis but then she saw that he was with me and she rolled her eyes and scoffed. LOL how dumb. Then I wanted to talk to Nick in private so he had me walk back and into his office. Savannah didn't know I was behind him and said "Why is she here?!" with a huge attitude and Nick got snippy with her and said "Because she's doing what she's supposed to be doing!!!" lmfao. She's stupid. But I know she was way more than happy to take my hours plus she closed. The REAL funny part here is that no one there likes her anymore. She annoys the crap out of everyone and she pissed them off when she started being a B to me. Nick didn't want to call her. He rather would have been short handed than call her in!!!! XD HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, I clung to Kurtis the whole time to show her that Im not alone and that THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND and Im not going to go have sex with everyone that she says Im going to. Kurtis drove us to his house so I didn't have to drive but then I drove back home. Thank god the way to his house wasn't confusing otherwise I would have gotten hardcore lost. Then when I got home he facebook messaged me. I accepted the relationship request and he asked me if I wanted to go to his house on Saturday for a cookout and movies. :3. But I just know what's going to happen x_x lol. XD. Oh and he let me wear his sweater so that's what Im wearing right now! x3. lol I feel pretty happy. Not obsessed happy either, just happy. :)

Hey Guys.

Wow it's been a while, it seems. I have been pretty busy. I have actually been getting out of the house and hanging out with friends! Sunday, which was 2 days ago, I helped my friend move out of his house. I drove a LOT. My face was almost sunburned. o_o. Monday, yesterday, I had planned on taking my sister to the mall, but then it ended up being my friend who I helped move (Devin), his fiance (Sarah), and on of their friends/my ex (Kurtis). WELL. I drove and Devin, Sarah, and Hanna sat in the back. We were there from 1:30 to like 4:30. !!. Sarah ended up feeling really sick so we left. Which I let her drink my Ramune to try it and I think that is one of the contributing factors to why I feel sick. That and I have been around my cousin who is also sick. Today I watched my sister then I hung out with Kurtis. He and my sister and I all went to work out at the Y. Then I started feeling more sick than I was. The only thing I ate before than was a breakfast sandwhich from BK. Then before work I was able to eat TWO spicy chicken nuggets. After those two I almost puked and didn't feel good at all. I ended up leaving work early. But in the process of ordering and eating. My coworker asked Kurtis if he and I were together. He said "I don't know ask Cari". I didn't even know the answer to that one! Monday he flirted with my like crazy. Later Monday night he was even more flirty. He wanted to hang out this morning. Then he kissed me at the Y. So I looked at him and said "I don't even know the answer to that one". Then I asked him and he said "Yes". XD. Im like "Well I was never asked" and so he asked and Im like "Yes" XD. So awkward. Buuut yeah. I worked at 4 and not even an hour into my shift I was told that SOMEONE *cough* savannah *cough* tried telling my manager that I was messing around with an overaged manager and wondered if I could lose my job. Sunday night we went at it over text and ever since then I have people coming up to me asking the most outrageous sh*t. So she's trying to make my life a living hell. Especially at work. She's trying to get me fired. Yet she says she won't get our personal life mixed in with work life. WTF!!!!!! So I finally said "Can I call someone in for me? I don't feel good at all" and someone did come in for me. On the way home I just started bawling my eyes out. When I actually got home I was crying even harder. I don't feel good and now she's causing all of this drama with me and it's NOT okay with me what so ever. I don't know whether to go report her to the office (because Ive done things that arn't so legal that she knows about) or to just suck it up and deal with it. On the bright side I am hoping that I have my bf to stick up for me because besides him and Devin...they are really the only ones I have left that are close to me.