@:

Everything is explained. I hold my peace. I'm sorry, but besides being a perfectionist who pays too much attention to detail, I'm also thorough author who has to know the things that matters to who cares (OMG, you should see my planning ). As long as I have it all explained, I'm good.

This is what I would do for the school part:

Replace "CRAP! This is YOUR fault, Kuwabara!" Yusuke accused, clenching his teeth and sprinting at the school.
"HEY! YOU wanted to investigate that strange demonic aura!" Kuwabara huffed after him as fast as he could.

With "This is YOUR fault, Yusuke! All because YOU wanted to investigate that strange demonic aura!" Kuwabara accused, clenching his teeth and sprinting at the school.

Or something like that. Kuwabara would probably care more.

Now that I think about it, Kurama would be cold if he felt Suika was threatening his home. I'm gonna go with that.

The Marys Sueism things: that's fine if you like to do that. After all, that's why you write, correct: because you like to do it? Just remember that a lot of people roll their eyes at this. However, your plot is making up for this.

About vocabulary: that's great that you use more words than the average person! *Gives you gold star* If this is how you actually talk, and not solely because you're trying to make others think you are a genius (if you are, that's great!), then it's okay!

By the way, I appreciate that you are at least weighing what I said. Some people say "F*** you!" to advice (seriously) as soon as they realize it's a critique.

@Swords411:

Haha. I should be an english teacher, but I think all my students will hate me.

*Grits teeth* Oohkay, if you know me personally, you would find that I am far from the nicest critic in the world. I look at everything from obvious things like Mary Sueism to subtle things like consistent spacing. But because I think you have a lot of potential, I’m gonna lay this on you as nicely as possible. Just to let you know, I did not read the other parts yet, so I’m playing this piece by piece.

Let’s start with the good points. I like how Suika is, in my mind, obsessed with Kurama. This gives her a nice flaw that can develop into a plot. She is also a bit insecure in the human world and can actually be surprised. Good thinking. I also like the general plot direction. It’s actually going somewhere, and that somewhere in my mind will be interesting if portrayed correctly. You also have Kuwabara’s personality of protecting the innocent (especially damsels in distress) on target.

Let’s go on with some flaws (not the bad points just yet). Speaking of personality traits, let’s start with Yusuke, Yusuke couldn’t care less about school. He would help Suika…if it means no school. Kurama, on the other hand, does not go to Yusuke’s and Kuwabara’s school. He goes to, if I remember correctly, a private high school. Kurama is not as stern as you think. He’s gentle but protective to the point where he will become ruthless to protect those he cares about. However, he wouldn’t be so cold to people he does care about, even if it was for there own good. It would be more like “Please go back. It is not safe for you here. I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble.” Another thing, how much time has passed? At least 15 years. Would he be able to pick out Suika just like that? I guess this would depend on previous relationships and such, but it shouldn’t be like they saw each other yesterday. Put a little “have I seen you before?” into it.

Alright, now for the…not so good points. The main thing I see is Suika starting to be infected by the Mary Sue plague. The biggest thing is her beauty. It’s okay for her to be beautiful, but the biggest thing that everyone noticed…right away. To the point where it was causing traffic jams and people that she was a ***** was just a stab at the heart to me who takes the Mary Sue plague very seriously. To avoid the she’s-so-beautiful-that-everyone-notices part of her, I wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. It’s okay to think of it in your mind, but not so great to readers. (Don’t worry, the Mary Sueism in your mind is okay and not uncommon; I do it too. I just force myself to keep those traits locked in my mind.) As for the smaller/subtler beauty traits, I would take out grandeur adjectives, such as “slender” (though I think “slender” could be debatable) and “silky”. I would also completely remove the leather outfit and down-her-shirt part. That was two more stabs. That could be a misunderstanding, but Kuwabara is not at all like that. Though not the brightest lightbulb, he is very chivalrous, not at all perverted. One more thing. It’s not bad, just out of place. I don’t know if you noticed but sometimes you throw in some big words that seem a bit out of place. “Atmospheric pressure” is the biggest one I see and should be replaced with something along the lines of “something feels different”. Some smaller ones are “octave” and “footfalls”. The thing about adding some big words into a fanfic is that it seems to disrupt the flow in a “this is how people talk” vocabulary story. If you don’t hear the words in common speaking, you must use it with care in a story so it doesn’t disrupt the flow.

Wow, this was long. I’m sorry; I hope I wasn’t being mean to you. I’m just a tough critic (told you so). But as I said, you have a lot of potential. We’ll see how it turns out!