i think that yusuke would accept her so he could keep an eye on her. I think kuwabara would be more wanting to take her along and possible argue with yusuke because she is "a pretty girl" just like yukina. I love your ability to create and sustain suspense.
-btw, i have commented to your previous parts but it is a little late
Alright, critique number two! Most are just out of characters from lack of knowledge about the series. I’m assuming from hints given in the last chapter that this event occurred sometime after the Dark Tournament.
Let’s begin with Yusuke, the first character mentioned in this part. Yusuke is being a little to cold to Suika. Yusuke’s a tough guy on the outside, but a nice guy once you get to know him. Even if Suika is a demon, he would let her help out presently and deal with her later. Not exactly with Yusuke, but instead of saying “…pointing his index finger and thumb at her,” I would simply say “…pointing his finger at her”. It sounds better and makes more sense.
Kurama speaks next, so let’s do him. Kurama is as colder than ice in the North Pole, not good. Kurama, on a scale of 1 to 5, would rank a 4 when it comes to kindness. For the fact that he is physically threatening her is way out of character. Think of Kurama as “I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to go out there and get yourself injured, either, so please stay here.”
Hiei is next. The nature of the Jagan is that he wears the bandana to keep from wasting demon energy and looking like a freak in the human world. He has to take it off to release its full power, but for most clairvoyance things he does not need to take off the bandana. Also, for the fact that Hiei is willingly, for no reason good to him like “I hate this demon because he’s a waste of space”, resorting balance is out of character. If he did have a good reason, he would be a more passive (“I’ll take it as it comes”) character. He wouldn’t put the blame of Suika without fact (or really close to it), nor draw out his sword unless it’s for battle.
Now a lesson in portals from the demon world to the human world: portals are “dug” from dimension to dimension. It’s usually made by humans with massive machines or powerful demons that were born with this power. According to Sakyo (a guy during the Dark Tournament Saga) most are the size of a fist and only small and skillful demons can pass through. During the Sensui Saga, Koenma reveals that there is a barrier that stops A-class and S-class demons from going into the human world (and works on both sides as A/S-class demons cannot go back to the demon world once in the human world). Only a dimensional sword can break the barrier and only Kuwabara has this power (but not in the time frame that you have been writing in). Let’s say Suika somehow found a way to get to the human world through one of these ways. The hole would not be like a refrigerator door. So if Suika did not have the power to open dimensional portals and got through by a hole made by a human, she couldn’t close the whole like shutting the refrigerator door. She has to sit there and reverse the whole process…which takes months. So, the portal closure is not her fault whether she intended for the demon to wreck havoc or not.
A good plot, the gears are moving in the right direction and do not stall. Something is happening in every part. Keep up the good work!
Swords411
Otakuite+ | Posted 06/07/08 | Reply
i think that yusuke would accept her so he could keep an eye on her. I think kuwabara would be more wanting to take her along and possible argue with yusuke because she is "a pretty girl" just like yukina. I love your ability to create and sustain suspense.
-btw, i have commented to your previous parts but it is a little late
Zakuro Rose
Otaku Eternal | Posted 06/06/08 | Reply
Alright, critique number two! Most are just out of characters from lack of knowledge about the series. I’m assuming from hints given in the last chapter that this event occurred sometime after the Dark Tournament.
Let’s begin with Yusuke, the first character mentioned in this part. Yusuke is being a little to cold to Suika. Yusuke’s a tough guy on the outside, but a nice guy once you get to know him. Even if Suika is a demon, he would let her help out presently and deal with her later. Not exactly with Yusuke, but instead of saying “…pointing his index finger and thumb at her,” I would simply say “…pointing his finger at her”. It sounds better and makes more sense.
Kurama speaks next, so let’s do him. Kurama is as colder than ice in the North Pole, not good. Kurama, on a scale of 1 to 5, would rank a 4 when it comes to kindness. For the fact that he is physically threatening her is way out of character. Think of Kurama as “I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to go out there and get yourself injured, either, so please stay here.”
Hiei is next. The nature of the Jagan is that he wears the bandana to keep from wasting demon energy and looking like a freak in the human world. He has to take it off to release its full power, but for most clairvoyance things he does not need to take off the bandana. Also, for the fact that Hiei is willingly, for no reason good to him like “I hate this demon because he’s a waste of space”, resorting balance is out of character. If he did have a good reason, he would be a more passive (“I’ll take it as it comes”) character. He wouldn’t put the blame of Suika without fact (or really close to it), nor draw out his sword unless it’s for battle.
Now a lesson in portals from the demon world to the human world: portals are “dug” from dimension to dimension. It’s usually made by humans with massive machines or powerful demons that were born with this power. According to Sakyo (a guy during the Dark Tournament Saga) most are the size of a fist and only small and skillful demons can pass through. During the Sensui Saga, Koenma reveals that there is a barrier that stops A-class and S-class demons from going into the human world (and works on both sides as A/S-class demons cannot go back to the demon world once in the human world). Only a dimensional sword can break the barrier and only Kuwabara has this power (but not in the time frame that you have been writing in). Let’s say Suika somehow found a way to get to the human world through one of these ways. The hole would not be like a refrigerator door. So if Suika did not have the power to open dimensional portals and got through by a hole made by a human, she couldn’t close the whole like shutting the refrigerator door. She has to sit there and reverse the whole process…which takes months. So, the portal closure is not her fault whether she intended for the demon to wreck havoc or not.
A good plot, the gears are moving in the right direction and do not stall. Something is happening in every part. Keep up the good work!