=/ well i really feel like writing a post but I can't...
Which is funny because I have so much on my mind right now I swear it could explode any minute.
I find it funny that you could have a good day, laughing one minute then crying the next. Or you could be so sad one minute and angry the next. When I was a kid I was always happy, I sure do miss those days, when you didn't care about anything at all, when Having fun was your occupation and sadness was barely a word....
Its funny how things change....its funny how many things can happen to change your life.
I've been through sooo much since 8th grade...thats when life really just crumbled into rubble for me. Why not tell the story? of everything thats happened....
1-7th grade, All i cared about was having fun, laughing, boys (of course), and love. Yeah I had my rough days but they always just slipped right out of my fingers and I'd completely forget how upset i was. I was the class clown, I made everyone laugh.
one thing i don't miss is being the drama queen....because back then i was definatly the drama queen *chuckles*
8th-11th: so here come the years where things just got really bad....I started pushing away from people, spending my time on the internet, being quiet. I went to a different school in 8th grade and it was hard fitting in with everyone. And around the half way mark of that year...was when my life started going down the drain. My grandma hadn't been feeling well for a while, but she refused to go to the damn hospital. No matter how many times we told her. "you need to go." she didn't....I remember getting picked up by my dad on a friday I think. He wasn't talking....he was focused on the road....when i asked him what was wrong he just stayed quiet before answering.
"your grandma is dieing."
And i'll tell you right now those words broke my heart. she was in the hospital for the rest of the year....the doctors didn't think she would survive infact that wanted to take her off life support! But my mom pushed and pushed to make sure they kept her on. I was so scared....My grandma means a whole lot to me, she's lived with me since i was just brought back from the hospital she was in a coma for about 3 months....and the best memory of have of that time was when I spoke to her for the first time and she opened her eyes. My grandma survived that terrible half a year in the hospital and I thank god for keeping her with me. I missed a lot of school after she was put in the hospital. her kidneys both failed her and she is on Dyalisis now.
that year...I changed completely. you can ask anyone. I wasn't the crazy hyper kid 24/7, and I wasn't the immature little Mrs. Drama Queen anymore either. I changed, I no longer cried over everything, I no longer needed to get my way. I went quiet and matured so much it scared a lot of people.
9th grade: I was still the same, hating life, thought it was stupid etc etc. I still had that cheerful aura about me though around my friends. I never act sad around my friend...er....well try not to anyway. I like them to think I am happy. Anyway so In school I was fine most of the time, always smiling and laughing around my friends because even if I was down my friends normally made it much much better!
Then some things happened...things I can't say what because they must stay in the family but things happened. God I was pissed....I was really pissed. My friends were worried because that day I just couldn't keep the pain and hatred i was feeling inside. I can't remember what I said...but it freaked my friends out. Before I knew it the police were called on me 9 times because half the school thought i was going to commit suicide....
I wasn't....But i guess something I said suggested that...anyway....I went through the rest of the school year making sure I hid all my sad, angry and depressed emotions inside because I knew that it would happen again if i didn't keep quiet, because they were keeping tags on me.
ANYWAY so the year flew by after that and then summer game around.
then sophomore year started.....GREAT that was the worst effing year of my life. almost tied with 8th grade...around the beginning of the year we were just having a fun time my family and I were getting away for the weekend and then my grandma fell. i was coming from school...of course and we get to the hotel and knocked on the door.
no answer
knocked again and i could slightly hear my grandma yelling that she couldn't get the door. I thought "maybe she's stuck in the bathtub or something." because she's very weak. I waited and waited for my dad to come back but one of the security guards spotted me outside the room and let me in. And there was my grandma on the floor just laying there. I acted cool for the most part, then we the paramedics came in I flipped. apparently she had fallen and shattered her hip....she was once again hospitalized for a few months then put in a nursing home because she wasn't doing well at all.
I missed A LOT of school. a lot....too much to be precise. I was struggling in all my classes trying to stay with everyone. my grades dropped from a's to c's to a's to c's. I managed to pull out alright with low a's and high b's but it was super hard. And of course my grandma punished me for that telling me I needed A's and thats it.
so my grandma....she means ALOT to me but she's always insulting me....its like she can't appreciate things I do for her sometimes but yeah...
so now its 11th grade: i'm here, hating life somewhat....even more mature than before. Too mature I think...I could move out tomorrow and be totally fine....Sometimes I wake up thinking i'm 18 already which is rediculous...I haven't even turned 17 yet lol. My friends went to college this year =/ I miss them a lot because they have gone through everything with me. They have been my best friends since i was 3 years old. (they are triplets). Its hard not having them here. My grandma just had to go to the hospital AGAIN three or four days ago....had to get stitches. its just one thing after another for me....
EDIT: not to mention my friend committed suicide and my dog died on the same day.....
and so maybe now you guys will understand why I don't express how i feel sometimes. Tho i know its bad to keep it all in. I mean talking about it/ranting about it in here feels okay....but i'll just bunddle it all back up once i press "post."
so...if you really wanna know how i feel, read this because this may be the last time you get me to say this much about myself lol.
peace
-Zenny
