My Halloween.

My mentor and I, again:

I look like the jigsaw doll. :D

EDIT: Also. I feel like this blog is getting real depressing b/c lately I only post on here when I feel like bitching. My overall life is quite grand at the moment, and I'll try to post more about the happy stuff. Honest. :(

Fall Blahs.

1) I need to fucking sleep more. A 4-5 hour/night average is ridiculous. I KNOW I can do better than that.

2) DHB drama is driving me insane. What's sadder is that there isn't even really drama and I feel like most of it is all in my head. Actually it's not just a feeling; most of it IS in my head. I get jealous over the smallest things now and it's just got to fucking stop.

3) The physical boundaries between the two of us keep getting thinner and thinner. As in, the whole random caressing thing from my last post is getting more and more common, and yet still somehow kind of nonchalant at the same time. I'm not really sure how I should feel about this, but all I know is that my hormones are reallllly not helping. Fuck being eighteen. :(

The other aspects of my life aren't quite so sucky. Except for the fact that I'm hella busy and shouldn't even be online right now. Fuck. :((

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT

Last night was fucked up. AGAIN.

So right after typing up my post yesterday, I headed off to watch the cabaret then a mentalist show afterwards, both of which were pretty cool and I got a twisted spoon that was used in the show. But the fucked up-ness started when I hung out in DHB's friend's room with DHB, Eccentric NYer, and DHBF's roommate.

So we were watching Youtube vids when Mr Insinuator (the otherwise friendly guy who unfortunately keeps making suggestive comments about DHB & I) strolls in with a friend. And he introduces all of us to his friend, and I think he was tipsy b/c that's the only way I can explain the STUPIDITY of what he did next. After introducing DHB, he randomly said, "And (Bell) & (DHB)... like, the two of them seem to be hooking up... since they're always together and stuff." WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK

And everyone in the room was just like UMMMMMMMMMM and DHB & I shared a Gawky Awkward Look before I looked away from the extreme awkwardness of it all and DHB just mumbled, "Umm, not really...." And then Mr Insinuator tried to play it off like a joke BUT WE ALL KNOW HE WAS SERIOUS. GRAHG

But things were kind of normal after he left, and we got kicked out of DHBF's room since her and her roommate wanted to sleep. So DHB, NYer & I hung out in the hallway for a while, when DHB suddenly leaned his forehead against the side of my head. NYer made some comment about me, I think it was something about how it feels nice to sleep on my shoulder or something, and it prompted DHB to say, "(Bell) is soooooo sweet." He paused, then in typical dumb guy fashion, he tried to brush off the previous debacle as a joke by wrapping his arm around my shoulders and saying, "Maybe we should make out since we're apparently hooking up." And then he PRESSED HIS FACE AGAINST THE SIDE OF MY HEAD then used his free hand to run through my hair. And my brain was like ERROR ERROR ERROR but my mouth was like EHEHEHEHEHE b/c I had NO idea how else to react. wtf .________.;;

Then late in the night, we were all in my room (my roommate was out in Columbus w/relatives the whole night) with me in my comp chair and the two of them on my roommate's bed behind me. And I was half-falling asleep by 3AM with my head resting on the top edge of the back of my chair. The lights were off at this point and we were just barely managing to make conversation, and at one point DHB suddenly reached out and started caressing my forehead with his thumb. CARESSING. And then he lightly pulled on my bangs then ran his hand through my hair again. Then ten-ish minutes later he did this again. And then I eventually headed to my bed and the two of them dozed off on my roommate's bed.

To add to all this ho-ishness, my roommate found the two of them in her bed later in the morning, and naturally the rest of my hall found out about it and the guys in my hall are now asking, "....So is (DHB) gay? Did (NYer) & (DHB) have sex in your roommate's bed??" HELL NO GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAGHAGGHHAGGGGG

AND IT GETS EVEN FUCKY-ER. FOR SOME STUPID REASON, the jocks who live next to me said that they thought that I "hooked up with" this one really quiet dude in my hall since they said they heard the two of us giggling in a room then we came out of it together fifteen min later. And I was like ARE YOU SHITTING ME THAT GUY BARELY EVEN SAYS HI TO ME AND WE DIDN'T EVEN SEE EACH OTHER LAST NIGHT MUCH LESS SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER. And most of all, I am SO not easy! I am a classy lady ok. :(((

Ugh. My college life is trashy fanfic omg.

And to remark on my last wangsty post, thanks for the advice and all, but the overly-idealistic romantic in me would much much rather just let things unfurl naturally between the two of us. I like these little "build up" moments and it seems a lot more... fitting to just go with the flow on this rather than just blurt out all my feelings to him now. Especially since he seems kind of... frigid to the idea of a relationship b/c of confidence issues, and because of that, I think it's THAT much more wise for me to take things really slow with him. And as I've said, I really don't mind waiting. The only issue is this stupid paranoid jealousy of mine, which is something I should really learn to tame anyway. At the very least, I don't think I'm nearly threatened enough that I absolutely need to reveal my feelings, so I'd prefer not to, at least for now....

Oh, the complexities of life. I think Beyonce's new single appropriately expresses the bitterness, woe, and newfound feelings of empowerment that is my college experience. THIS SONG RESONATES WITH MY SOUL. YOU SING IT SISTA.

Except not really. But I like the choreography. :D

OHSHIT

I WAS TRANSCRIBING A RECENT CONVO FROM MEMORY BUT ECCENTRIC NYER SAW IT AND HE WAS PRESENT DURING THAT PARTICULAR CONVERSATION. SO NOW I THINK HE KNOWS THAT I WRITE ABOUT PEOPLE AT KENYON ONLINE!!!! AND ONE OF THE NEW NICKNAMES I THOUGHT UP FOR SOMEONE WAS FLAMBOYANTLY GAY GUY AND I WAS LIKE OHSHIT BECAUSE HE KNOWS THE GUY I WAS REFERRING TO & MIGHT BE OFFENDED SINCE HE'S GAY HIMSELF. :O~~

So I guess I should be a liiiittle more careful. Though at least this isn't as bad as getting caught writing BL smut or something. Haha.

So in other news. Korea Girl, who I haven't mentioned here in a while but she was in the summer program for those of you who might've forgotten, has been invading on my turf with DHB. Well okay, not really, they've only talked a couple times, BUT DAMN IT I DON'T FUCKING LIKE HER. Which is something I only realized a few weeks ago after much self-questioning, because Korea Girl is one of those types who is a prude to a fault and is overly-sensitive and doesn't have much of a sense of humor on a lot of things, and worst of all, she never does anything to help herself and would rather play the whole "oh pity me my life is so tragical" victim act all the time.

....And all of this I have told to DHB multiple times. But he doesn't have any reason to dislike her since he doesn't really know her, so he's been talking to her a little more recently, and ONE OF THOSE TIMES THEY WERE TALKING FOR A GOOD TWENTY MINUTES WITH ME SITTING THERE TRYING TO READ AND BLOCK OUT THE NOISES OF THEIR CONVERSATION SINCE I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER. And mind you, I'm not angry at DHB for this... I'm actually not sure WHO I'm upset at.

I have this paranoid fear that Korea Girl is jealous of my friendship with DHB, since from what I can tell, she has yet to form any really close friendships with anyone... and she sees DHB & I together all the time and DHB and her actually got along real well the couple times they've talked, and I'm scared that she might try to "steal" him from me now that she knows how nice and funny and awesome he is. I AM SO PETTY THAT IT IS RIDICULOUS. And I know that I'm being really delusional right now, but that's how I feel. And I know that it's my own fault that I got ignored for half an hour while they talked since I'm the one who decided not to participate in their conversation, but I still feel stupidly bitter about it. Goddamnit. :(

I like this boy way too much to even function sometimes, I think. I just feel so... dumb right now, so incredibly petty and jealous and just eww. I never realized how much different it is to have a crush on someone who you're BFFs with and spend all your time with as opposed to someone you only occasionally see in class or whatever. I haven't seen my mother in two months and I'm okay with it, but I go ONE DAY without talking to DHB and I miss him. Serious wtf.

On a lighter note, things are generally going very well and I love all of my friends so hardcore. <3

Though to go back to DHB for a second... is it a good thing that he feels comfortable enough around me to make the occasional "let's have sex" joke? Maybe I'm just a prude and I know that guys just looooove making fun of me b/c of how moe my reactions sometimes are (DHB especially, to be honest), but seriously.

THIS PROVES IT

SKIP TO 0:30

EDIT: Oh, and I got my glasses today. LOL

EDIT 2: OMFG WATCH THISWATCHTHIS SKIP TO 0:20, 1:15, AND ESPECIALLY 1:25 NAO. And also the ending. omfg I cracked the fuck up.