Love is a fickle thing in life. Life is a fickle thing to love. Here, I express what my life brings to me throughout my existence. Glimpses in the grey area are unfolding and offering you a cup of my reality. Welcome to my life.
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SOME INFO
I've actually been a member since 1/13/09
Name: Shayde
Age: 29
Birthday: 3/14/91 (March 14th, 1991)
Sex: Male
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I have been doing a lot more thinking while I was gone. I can't leave this place even if I wanted to. I've been here so long because it hasn't its own gravitational pull on me. I shouldn't leave because of all that's been going on. Fuck that shit then. This place is too awesome to let emotions take it away from me (even if it is pretty dead in several aspects). I'm not going to let this take me over. Yeah I wish someone would still talk to me on here, but that shouldn't be the only reason I come on here. So, I'm going to attempt to be more active on other things on this site and not let this shit bite me in the ass anymore.
I could totally work on art again since I do have a few unfinished pieces that I can be uploaded. I can continue working on my other worlds (gaming world will have to wait until I get a better PC. I've become more of a casual and made it more of a hobby anyways so I'm not in any rush for that.) I can still post music in my music world. If chat was still around I'd jump on that, but that'll most likely not happen anytime soon.
I'm not going to lie. I was in a very very dark place last week. I actually thought about leaving home just to get away from it all. It's not like it'd be the first time I tried running off or got kicked out, but those are different reasons that I will not get into. But yeah, all I could think of was leaving, and become completely anonymous to the world, excluding everyone and everything out of my life. I still feel like that. I don't have a rock anymore to help me with that, but fuck it, right? I'll work on myself to make myself feel better, or at least try to. For now, I'm going to just do things here because I shouldn't let my emotions take over this place from me.
So, I'm back with a mask to help show me off to this site. ^^
You know, I spent yesterday doing a lot of thinking... A LOT of thinking... I actually got a small headache after a while. But, there's things that need to be said and so I'm going to say it.
First off, I have an apology I would like to announce to the people that actually read what I say on here. I'm sorry if I have brought any of you down over the past few months, whether it being that your day was ruined or stressed you out from hearing someone else's stress. I will admit I have severely been down and close to creating or have created suicidal tendencies, but nobody wants to be around that. I have had very little help with obtaining a coping mechanism, but I do appreciate the people who have tried to find one with me. You guys are great.
Second off, I want to apologies to my ex. I don't know if she will see this, but at least it'll be here to read if she does. So, here I go.
Hey.
If you see this, then that's good. If you don't, well at least it's off my chest now. I want to say how sorry I am for not being a good boyfriend to you especially while you were here. I did try my best, but the conflictions we had got the best of both of us. I did read your most recent post and, yeah, it would've been a year yesterday. I remember picking you up that day and being super nervous. After all, we were officially living together so how could someone not be nervous? It really was an awesome day to arrive at the airport and see you there, leaving and having you sit next to me in the car as we headed out.
You know, I still miss us... I know you're probably tired of hearing that or even thinking about it, but I do miss us. Hell, even after the whole break up and us just talking and goofing off on here, I miss that, too. I still wish that I could've had that chance I wanted. I'm sure it would've been different; I was so dedicated to become a better individual in your eyes. Heh... I guess that'd never happen anyways... I let love get the best of me and it just pushed you away further... I still don't plan on dating anyone else, like that really even matters at this point, but I guess that's just more of a personal thing now.
I'm also sorry about my previous post that you took offense to. I can see how that would come off offensive, but I honestly wasn't expecting you to get offended by it since you should know how my mind works and how I saw you more than just your ethnicity. And no it wasn't a jab at Mexicans or anything like that. Again, like I said before, it really was more of a compliment. You are a beautiful lunatic and no one could be better at that than you. So, please understand that I meant no offense to you, your family or your ethnicity. Hell your family, even though you say they are crazy, sound cool and I wish I could have met more of them. Yes, even your step-father who wasn't much into me to begin with, seemed like he would've been enjoyable to talk to if he actually gave me that chance. But it doesn't really matter now. Anyways, I'm sorry for everything old and recent that has happened.
And third off, I would like to say that after this post, I am going on hiatus from this site. I don't have any reason to come here anymore after losing contact.. literally the majority of the reason I came on here, besides posting, was to talk to my ex, but that's not really a thing anymore. I don't know if it will be a permanent hiatus or if it'll just be a few weeks. But if it helps people from not getting stressed out, then why should I continue to stay? This site was like my second home for the longest time, all the way back to '09. As of right now, I have no reason to really come here, I have no reason to call it a home, unless something gives me a reason to. But that most likely may not happen. I might check every now and then to see if something popped up or whatever, but I most likely will not be posting here.
It was fun, but until further notice, this is me... signing out...
I hate my feelings. I can get so mad, but then regret it later on. I hate being mad and I really do my best to try and not be. But it's like, if you're gonna rub me the wrong way, what are you expecting from me? To just take it? Yeah, I used to because I was a bitch, but now it's like I'm not up for that shit anymore... I just want this bullshit to end... I just wanna go back to how things were before it got super heated... I really just want everything to stop... I hate this... I hate it so much. Fuck, even during my previous post my gut felt so twisted while typing that because I know I wouldn't normally go on a tangent like that... I hate all that's been going on so fucking much... sometimes I just feel that things would be better if I just stopped existing, you know? I wanna say sorry, but really don't know if I would actually be sorry this time... that's just something I'd have to think about...
I just seem to piss people off and I'm not even trying to start anything! I can't even say anything without someone jumping down my throat with their dick hanging out... and no it's not just my ex, even a few friends on Xbox got on me because apparently I wanted to express an opinion. 2016 never left, it just changed fucking numbers. Everyone still gets offended over the slightest of things and has to just get so damn anal... Granted, I know we're only twelve days in the new year, but it's like fuck man. People that usually never got offended by anything are now getting offended by everything and, again, I'm not just talking about my ex. You can't say shit without someone just getting on you these days... I might as well just go back to being quiet and not communicate anymore. Seems like it was a horrible idea to have come out of my shell... I hate everything about 2016... I hate my fucking feelings... if I could go back and shoot myself, I would. Even though that's still a very plausible thing to do since I am right here with myself after all...
Fuck it...
The only thing that was good about 2016 was actually living with my ex. Not my first ex, she could die in a fire for all I care and her stupid ass whipped husband who apparently might still have beef with me. But yeah living with my ex was definitely the best thing to have happened last year. Not really much the fighting, but honestly what fucking relationship doesn't fight? I wish it worked better though. I've known people who fought worse than we did and are still together. It all just fucking sucks...
What sad is I loved her for her. And seeing how she sees it as an insult instead of a compliment is pretty harsh. I'm not racist, you know, but if you're going to say that you're a lunatic and have a crazy Mexican family to me, then you shouldn't have the right to get pissed over something like that. YOU deliberately TOLD ME that you can be crazy and that Mexican families can be crazy, oh but if I say something, it's wrong. You know what's fucking sad, dude? I let you get away with SO MUCH NAMECALLING toward me throughout the years. SO MUCH. Mayonnaise bitch, pasty ass bitch, white boy, SO MUCH, and you get pissed at me for practically complimenting you for helping me break out of my shell??? Really?! Wow dude. The way I see it now, you just want to find some stupid excuse to dislike me even more. Calling me a racist, whatever dude. You're probably a lot more racist than I have ever been. I have apologized before if I have EVER OFFENDED YOU because I knew I was in the wrong. But wow, you get so buttfucking hurt over a damn compliment about things YOU have told me. Whatever, dude. Excuse me for fucking complimenting the fact you helped me out, but you know what? Look at it however you want because I can give less of a shit now.
It's funny how you want me out of your life, but you're practically stalking my posts. I never wanted you out of my life, but hey. You got something to say? Go ahead. You always call yourself a lunatic and I always backed that up as a compliment. You always said Mexicans can be crazy? I always agreed with you because I will admit that you were a lot more hardcore than I ever was. But did I ever see that as a racial jab? You being Mexican? No. Because I didn't care that you were. I loved you for you. If I was really a racist fuck, then I wouldn't have dated you, I would have slandered you a lot and I would wish so much shit on you. But I never did because I didn't care. So fuck off with your fucking racist shit towards me. Because I'm not being racist. You just chose to see it that way.
Edit:
And you've dated me for 4+ years. You even told me I'm not a racial person. You should know me. You said you knew me more than I knew myself. But here you are. Trying to find the smallest thing that I say and blow it up out of proportion. You know who does that? The media. You wanna be like the media, go for it. You have an audience of 200+ people to feed your news to that barely knew who I am or was. So, why not tell them bullshit. Go ahead and deface me. What the fuck ever, dude. Go ahead and lie about me being racist when you know I'm not. Again, you obviously know more about me than I do. You dated me for 4+ years so you should know the in and out of me more than I do myself. Go ahead and tell your audience "the truth". I may have been an asshole, but I was NEVER an intentional racist towards you. Wanna take a compliment and make it seem like I'm being racist? Go for it. Let's deface me because I'm such a horrible fucking person. Go on and nitpick through all the posts I have ever put up and place fire upon my head. I may have loved you, but at least I'm not fucking slandering you. And if you see this as slandering knowing that you call yourself a lunatic, a Mexican lunatic, the only lunatic, or whatever you wanna title yourself as and me seeing it as a play name pretty much (because I never saw it as an offensive racial ting before), then you have a serious problem. so, again, go on and tell the world how big of a racist I really am.
So, yeah. Last week was waaaaaay too shitty. Lost all contact with someone I felt dear to me, even if they didn't feel that way towards, but whatever. I'm not worrying about that. They wanna be whatever, then they can be whatever. They don't wanna be friends, then whatever. I'm done trying with that shit. They wanna talk, fucking contact me. Just ready to get rid of these last two boxes already. So, yeah. Like I was saying, last week sucked. And it really put me in the worst of moods, more so just pissed that people don't want to understand my thoughts and such because fuck me, right? Whatever.
Got pulled over because one of my license plate lights wasn't illuminated. Bitch, if you can still see the fucking letters and numbers then it's fine. Cops here can be assholes if they wanna be. Usually they're not, but this one was giving me quite the lip, I seriously wanted to shove his fucking toupee in his mouth. Got let off with a warning. Woot.
I'm still holding on to my Xbox I'm selling to a friend. That's been going on since...... July? I don't remember, but I told him I'd hold it for him when I could've easily sold off to someone else for the same price. Why not just do that, you ask? Because I'm nice. Ya hear that? I'm NICE. Wanna know why I can be a straight up asshole? Because if you push me the wrong way I'll have no problem getting in your face about why you're being a cunt muffin. I strive to be nice, STRIVE IT!! But if you're seriously going to press my buttons, then I'll have to press your eyes into your skull with my thumbs as you scream for the pain to stop after I castrate you. Yeah, being with a Mexican lunatic for 4 years really helped bring out the "no fucks given" side of me. I used to just not say or do anything about whatever was said to me, but now I just don't give a rat's ass.
Ive also noticed I've become more vulgar within my posts. Oh well. I'm not sorry, really. Why should I? It's not directed towards the people who typically read these. If you do read them through to the end, I congratulate you because holy shit I'd want to punch myself in the face for never shutting the hell up. If you get offended, well you can either stop reading these or eat a bag of dicks. Pretty easy choice out of the two, no? But yeah, as long as you're not an ass with me, I'll be cool with you. :3
I feel I'm just talking about what I have become and not really why this week is going smoother. My bad~~ So, yeah. I found out that the post office here is hiring and I'm trying to jump on that shit. $20 starting pay, plus benefits and holidays??? Sign me up~~~ so I've already paid for the study packet and I should be taking the initial exam soon. There's soooo much reading involved, I feel like I'm back in school XD after the exam all I have to do is an interview. I hate interviews with a passion because of how bad I choke up during them. And no, practicing with a friend won't help with that. My nerves are going to set in regardless so it's really pointless. If I don't get the post office job I have a fallback job pretty much thanks to a friend of my father. It's a delivery job, but I was told it'd pay about $13 - $15 an hour which is fine with me, as long as I don't go back to being paid less than $10. I gotta save up so I can get out of my parent's house after all XD and yeah I'm still movin out of state. That's not changing.
The only setback that this week has given me was my car died while I was out in the middle of nowhere at like 10PM and I didn't have anyone to pick me up or come help out, so I had to call an Uber and ditch my car. Tomorrow, I'll have my dad take me back to see what the fuck were going to do with it. The first thing I'm definitely doing before moving is getting a newer car. I'm due for one, in all honesty. At least the uber driver was cool.
Anyways, that's my week so far. Fuck last week... like seriously, I'm just done with a lot of shit. All I'm going to do now after posting this is lie in bed and watch DBZ Abridged because I am like 20 episodes behind.
