This is my vent post world. I wanted to make a separate world for them so that my friends can be warned, as the title states, because few people like to read sad or angry posts. So this is my unhappy world, or as I like to call it, my world of excessive life angst.
Or my world of "Need to scream like Voldemort"
That kind of world.
The kind of world that exists because the world is that way sometimes.
This world isn't going to be pleasant, so BE WARNED.
I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to go out there. Fuck everything. So I stayed over at my friend's house a couple nights ago. It happens every time I stay at someone's house. I always get astonished and amazed at how normal their family seems. My friend's parents still laugh together after all these years. They still like to talk to each other. Why does that amaze me so much each time I see it? In her house, people talk easily and are not shamed for saying what they mean. In her house it doesn't feel vulnerable to leave the bedroom, so her family actually likes to come out of their rooms and hang out together. Now I'm home listening to my mom ranting on and on about how we're not getting a tree next year because she's angry that my brother and I weren't in the mood to decorate the tree last night. But she doesn't want to do it herself. She's whipping herself up into a state over the fucking tree. If it wasn't that it'd be another thing. She just wants an excuse to be angry. I want to live in a house where people can laugh. My parents don't want to talk to each other. They don't tell each other things. They openly do not respect each other. They use my brother and I as shields against each other and against their loneliness. I want to live in a house where I'm actually valued as the person I am. I don't want to be just a shield. This whole house feels like poison. I think my mind feels poisoned.
It's funny, I always promised that I'd be better than my parents and I wouldn't make their mistakes. I promised I'd give my own family a life full of love someday, but now I'm not sure I know how. Talking so openly doesn't actually come all that easily to me. It's occurred to me that this is all I know. I don't think I've earned how to interact like that. I grew up in a house where everyone pretends to like each other and then they fail at that and then they try to coexist and now they're failing at that too. In my mind's eye I see my friend's parents talking and laughing as they cooked breakfast together and I realized I'm not sure I know how to have that kind of life or give someone else that kind of life.
Then, there's this boy. So we've been going out on dates and we're not actually official or anything, just seeing how things go. But today, when he messaged me on Facebook, he included this in his message: "It's never lonely with you around." And that's a nice thing to say, but I wonder, if he really knew how I am, would that still be true? Because all I know is how to make selfish demands and then compromise by grudgingly giving a little, because that's all my parents do. I've been thinking about it and it scares me to realize that I don't know how to give a normal life to a family. I never learned. This became my life and I learned to cope with it. I learned to cope with the not talking and the mocking and the shaming and the pettiness and the selfishness and the sudden demands. I learned to cope with my parents' abnormalities and their needs and their denial that our family is not normal. I learned to cope with going between my parents as a communicator to interpret and prevent fighting, even though it hurts me to do so and I am not a therapist. I learned how to do all that and somehow it just became natural and I forgot that there is something else out there. I don't want this to be my life forever.
I need to get out of this house more often. I really do.
It is three in the morning. Why am I up at three in the morning, you may ask? Why, because the fire alarm went off in my building. So I've had a lovely time standing in the middle of a sleepy, irritable crowd, breathing in everyone's cigarette smoke.
Oh, and apparently our dorms (the three central ones) are notorious for this. So I can expect it to happen again a couple more times. Yay.
