Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
Do you know who I love? Dany. For reasons all my own that he probably doesn't even know. He's a good friend, and can't help but be honest. Thank you, Darlin'.
Just a story, Petie enjoyed it, but it was in context.
I knew this girl name Molly once. She was having a boring night and then suddenly was attacked by Cicadas. They ate her.
The End
I'm a slob. My house isn't pest infested or anything, but there's clutter everywhere. I need to move just so I have to get rid of a bunch of crap. How is it I have a 3 bedroom house all to myself and not enought room for all my crap?!?! It makes no sense and I don't need all this stuff!
I wish you could have stay unemployed, jerk. I miss you.
Blair took me to the flea market today. It was an adventure that was cut short by my stomach rebeling against the Carlos O'Kelly's we had for lunch. Brother Victor called today, just for giggles, I guess. It was nice to talk to him, and he had some whacky stories.
Sometimes I feel like I do things just to prolong the bad. I couldn't help it, I was looking through our wedding album tonight. I don't know if I was compelled, or if I decided to do it so I could keep on being sad. I do shit like that. For some reason, my life is incomplete unless I'm oppressed by some emotion. I feel like an attention monger, and I feel like eventually everyone I know is going to just yell, "SHUT UP!" at me in unison.
Oh well, I shall continue to be whiny and bitter until I drive away everyone who cares about me, then I can have something to be whiny and bitter about.
I had my cable turned off... I miss it a little... It was a distraction.
I'm so tired. I sleep, but I'm still tired. My body has also decided that it wants me to be a morning person. I keep waking up at like 730 am. BOO!
I made some copies of pictures that I want to send to Jordan. They are wedding pictures. I kind of want him to know he's not allowed to forget me... I have decided not to send them because 1) I'm not stupid, and 2)I haven't given him a chance to miss me. That's a wird thing to say. I talk to him quite a bit, and I'm at his beck and call (cause I'm a little stupid). I need to just leave him alone for a while, completely. No calls, no texts, no talking. It's going to backfire, but I have to try it. I have to do it for me, to show myself that I can be without him and to let him realise he can't live without me (probably not, but a girl can hope, right?)
I wonder if I'm ever on his mind, or if he realises he's never not on mine. I wonder if he lurks here and reads this. If he were to do that, I would be shocked, but also I can't imagine that reading parts of my broken soul would get no response from him. He is sensitive and caring. I also wonder, I once gae him a framed picture of me as a gift. He had it up in his last house, and he didnt leave it here. I wonder if it's up somewhere in his house, or just there, put away.
I'm so tired. I must bed down...
My life has knocked me down, and I've been leaning hard on my friends and family. I'm so grateful that I have such wonderful, caring people who are trying so hard to keep me afloat. To all those who do or do not read this page, I am so appreciative of the people in my life. I will never be able to repay your caring, kindness or patience. I am loved, and I cannot express how precious that is to me. Thank you and I love you.
Cause nothing is as it appears
In the fun house mirrors of oyur fears
On the rollercoaster of all these years
with your hands above your head....
...And I don't care how fast you run,
Just tell me babe, when you're done
With this little marathon
and you've still got cabfare home.
Cause the finish line is a shifty thing,
and what is life but reckoning?
And you know, You are still the song I sing
To myself,
When I'm alone.
-Ani DiFranco "Reckoning"
I hung out with Jordan today. I actually had some stuff to give back to him, so I went by his house. We hung out for a couple of hours and it was awkward, but not unpleasant. After that, I turned into a marshmallow. I went back into meltdown. During the whole thing, he just stared at me with this look on his face. He felt sorry for me, and maybe even sorry for what he's doing to me, but there's no budging on the stance. All I get is a look that says, "I wish there was something I could do for you."
I need to leave the whole thing alone, otherwise he will not have anything to do with me. But when I said to him today, "I'm sorry it got to this point," and he replied, "So am I," It makes me so frustrated and angry. I just want to yell, "How did it get to this point?" or "What is this point, and why can't we step back from it?" He's so indecisive about everything. Why is this the one thing he decides and takes a harsh stance on?
I feel like a pathetic girl. Lost and pathetic. No one has any directions or advice for me either. Who could? He said he hasn't really put any thought or motion into the legal dissolution of our marriage. Is that a comfort? Not really, cause he's still gone. He is still wearing his ring, though. Is it stupid of me to want him back, to not give up where he's told me I should? Probably, but logic isn't something that is at work here.
I'm tired of whining, but it's cathartic to put it somewhere. No one ever say anything on any of these posts, and I understand why. It's hard, but I appreciate the one on one time I have gotten, and thank you for the shoulders to cry on.
From about a week after I really met Jordan I knew I loved him, and he was going to be in my life forever. I've never hated be wrong so much.
I am home again today. I just couldn't get out of bed this morning. I'm pretty much a masochist, I've decided. I read the letters that he sent me when I lived in the dorms, and openly sobbed. I was in hysterics. I fell on the floor, and wept and sobbed. Why would I even do that to myself? I guess I had to see that it had been real. The whole thing started because I found the card that had accompanied my flowers for our first wedding anniversary. It said, "Thank you for being my wife. I love you." I'm weak and I'm alone and I don't know what to do. I want to make copies of all the letters and leave them on his doorstep, but he would just say that they prove his point and that he is not that person anymore.
I just don't want to let it go. There's no feeling anywhere like loving and being loved back. I want to get that back, and I want it with him. I stopped crying yesterday, and I almost believed for a minute that I could accept this, but I'm not sure I can. Everyone says I will. I can't see that far ahead, and I don't want to think of a day where it will be okay with me that I was abandoned without explanation by the man that I love, and have loved for a very long time. In every story there is someone who is left behind, I guess. When there's only 2 people in the story, your odds aren't so great.
I feel like vomiting all the time, whether I eat or not. I want to tell someone everything that is going on with me, but who to tell? I want to share it with my husband,he's the one I want to share everything with. But he's the cause and he's not here. He also doesn't want to hear about it. He won't answer my phone calls, not that I'm calling to talk about that or even chat. I call him to say, "I need dog food," or things utilitarian like that. He lets it go to voicemail and responds with a text. We can have grand conversations via text, but he's even drawing away from those. I think he thinks it's harder for me if he keeps a connection at this time. I was really angry about Tuesday, after all. Sunday he tells me our marriage is finished, and Monday he sends me a text asking me to take him to the garage to pick up his motorcycle. I'm not sure what that was, I think he was actually trying to keep his word to me that he would not be out of my life completely. I also think that he didn't have anyone else to call. I really don't think it was meant to be callous, but it hurt me. I was also mean and angry and didn't speak to him the entire drive. I may hae been the callous one then. I think it may have been slightly warranted, but I think it may have hurt him, and that was not intentional. I was just lashing out.
Day Jordan proposed: Aug 26th, 2005
Day Jordan moved out: Aug 25th, 2008
that day
