Sat Aug 22, 2009, 3:46 PM
* Mood: Tearful
* Listening to: "Soaring"-Sydney Forest
* Reading: over the comic
* Drinking: Tang
Monique, you can't even come over during the week to work on the comic. My mom wants me to focus on school and doesn't give a damn that we already payed for the table and etc. Let's see if we can do it at school, ok? Like in the library, or the band room when there isn't any practice. I'll see if you can come over tomorrow after church, but again--I have no fucking clue.
I hate living at my house. I have overprotective parents that don't give a damn about my hobby or what I think. My dad never liked me drawing manga and calls anime "La La Land". My mom just looked at my work and called it cute, nothing else. I never was allowed to hang out with my friends, especially if they were also into anime and manga and video games. I also wasn't as outgoing as I am now, so I spent most of my time reading fiction to get away from it. Even in elementary school, I stayed after school with the library assistant to read and help out. All that reading is probably why English continues to be my best subject. But I really liked art. I tried out every form I encountered. The only time I regretted trying out a style was the only time my dad thought it was absolutely spectacular--I find squeezing paint out of those pen-like tubes fun, even back then. I was doing that and had paint all over one of my folders and left it on the table. I was gonna throw it away later, but I wanted it to dry so my mom didn't get mad at me if I got paint somewhere. Well, I went back and found it gone, so I figured somebody threw it out for me. Then at the kitchen table, my dad said I made something great and I thought he was talking about a drawing I did earlier that day. Then he took out the folder and I got really mad, saying I didn't mean to make it. Then that night I ripped it up and threw it away. That probably seems really stupid and childish, but...I was around 8 or 9--what do you expect?
I started dabbling in manga, I got really into it--loved it obviously, since I'm still doing it. So I experimented a lot over the years and finally got my "style" down. I'm still experimenting with other styles, but so far this is pretty stable. When I think manga, I think fantasy, and video games. Something that isn't my life. My life at home is boring and lonely and depressing--not like "I wanna kill myself" but more of "When I'm 18, I'm so out of here". I hate going home. At home, I have to act like someone completely different. I can't joke around like I do at school or with my friends. My teachers probably have a better understanding of what I'm like than my parents do. I can't openly express my love for anime and manga because I get criticized if I play any foreign music, draw, or watch anime. I have to shut myself up in my room to do it, and then they get mad if I do that. My parents want me to be this big scholar person that makes a gazillion dollars when I just kind of want to live a peaceful life in an apartment somewhere working on G33|<!! or in a cottage in the woods painting my life away and living off what I have. If it wasn't for the fact that I need money, I wouldn't even give a damn about college.
In short, I comick because I need to get away without really getting away. I want to do something right. I'm not that good at school, or sports, or anything else for that matter. I'm not musical, I'm not an actor/actress, I'm not as sweet as honey, and I'm not studious. I'm a girl that tatoos bleached leaves with graphite dreams and acid thoughts because the rabbit hole to my wonderland is barred shut until further notice.
-KF
