Immediately, Naruto hit a large red button on his wall and the Mary Sue alarm sounded. The very next day, all the major characters were gathered in the secret hideout which they kept prepared for in case of bad Fanfiction. Well, the Akatsuki members were not physically there, but…yeah. They were there in that spectral form thing.
Kiba told the horror-struck audience what he had seen: “Her cheekbones were perfect, tits the size of Tsunade’s, hair like 24-carat gold. Her outfit was extremely hot but in no way practical. She claimed to know Naruto and be raised in the Leaf Village. This contradicted her asking me which way the Leaf was. So I gave her some wrong directions, she’s actually wandering in that big field of flowers and it should be a few weeks before she gets here.”
Shikamaru got out of his seat and fired up the OC-Detecto-Matron, which looked like one of those really old computers that took up entire rooms but it had a screen instead of flashing lights. “Okay, this should be able be to detect and identify this Mary Sue’s type. In the mean time, we should take the old fashioned security protocols. First of all, has anyone felt homosexual and/or incestuous in the last month or so?”
A solid chorus of no’s rang from the ninja.
“Ok, that takes a lot off the list. Now,” he said, taking out a pencil and clipboard, “has anybody felt any love/crush based emotions they don’t usually feel in cannon?”
“I have. But me lusting after Konan, that’s just from some Fanfiction by a Polish fangirl.”
“A fanfic where I don’t lust after you, fishboy.”
“Yeah, Pein kicked my ass in that one….”
“Damn right I did!”
“Okay, what about you Orochimaru?”
“Well, Jiraiya and I have been ogling Tsunade since we came in here, but that’s normal for him.”
“If that is all, then I’ll move onto cannon supported couples having unusually strong or weak feelings.” Shikamaru said, flipping over onto the next sheet of paper. “Naruto, we’ll start with you, since you’re the Sue’s target.”
“Ech, no different than normal. Just trying to decide between Sakura and Hinata.”
“Speaking of which, are either of you ladies….”
“We’re good.”
“Ino?”
“Fine.”
“Kiba?”
“My extremely suppressed lust for Hinata remains extremely suppressed.”
“Okay, Neji and Tenten?”
“A little higher than usual, but I thinks it’s definitely one of the long term effects of KungPowChicken’s MANT.”
“Everybody else in the Leaf?”
“We’re good.”
“Okay, nobody in the Sound…..and in the Akatsuki…..”
“NORMAL.”
“Okay, that just leaves the Sand…Gaara and Kankuro are obviously unlovable….”
“We resent that statement.”
“Kankuro, shut up and consider yourself lucky you have almost no OCs coming after you.”
“Well, Temari, do you……”
“Less than usual.”
“You just love to break my heart and waltz with me on it, don’t you? Well, it looks like we won’t have to worry about slash or crack pairings, although this may turn into porn without plot…….”
