Weekend VS School

Normally there is no comparison between school and a weekend. You want to be home. You want to be home to the point of pain. But for me, when I find myself home I find myself cursing my life.

We have done NOTHING today. The highlight of this Saturday is the 'House' Marathon on USA. Which I haven't seen much of. Since it's Football Season Dad's been parked in front of the TV almost all day. He did some work around the house, but for the most part it's been football galore.

Better yet, my sister has been on the phone for the past... 2-3 hours. Mom hasn't woken up yet, and for once I'm looking forwards to that. If she wakes up then she'll schedule my hair appointment so I can finally get that haircut I wanted to give to myself but am not allowed to.

Dinner is frozen spaghetti and sauce. It's been in the freezer for roughly three weeks, probably a lot longer. We're warming it up and then we're gonna eat it while salivating over ourselves for boredom. I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

At least in school then we have something to freaking do. Instead Dad's been nagging me all day to do this worthless shit that will not and never will benefit me. Fun fun!

I guess I'm really just pissed because I'm tired. School's worn me out totally. I'm getting good grades and all but it's not that easy. I'm tired and I've had the same headache for ages. My parents seem to have lost interest in me again, so I'm now a child of inconvenience to them. For a while they were interested in my school life, but now they've forgotten how to care. I come home and rest for a while and then unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen. Dad comes home and talks to Mom. He only does work when Mom calls the house from her bedroom and tells Dad to do something for her. Her broken leg means that she does nothing any more. She's in her room smoking almost all of the time. Can you say, 'Itself is in charge'?

My kid sisters don't listen to me at all, but I have to try and get them to do SOMETHING. Mostly they just tell me to shut up, but they play almost all day. They're homeschooled and they don't do school on Friday, clean their shit up, or do as they're told for even three seconds. It always makes the headache I get at school worse.

School is actually a lot better than being home. The exhaustion numbs me to pain, physical or mental. The classes are mindless enough to kill my brain cells slowly but interesting enough to keep my mind off of my home life. It's the perfect combination of beautiful painful spiritual purification and monotony. In other words I love it. Coming home is usually when my day takes a nose dive.

But I can cope. I think. If I just get some more sleep and stop stressing over all the shit I can't change my life will reverse itself. I know that for a fact. But I'm so used to being the only adult in the house it's hard for me to let go of my worries. I'm always thinking, 'I'm gonna have to clean all this up' or 'do we have any food to eat or money to buy food with?' I can't help it any more; it's my typical mental reaction. Surrendering control is hard. I always think 'Oh, I have to do all this crap.'

It's something I need to improve on, and I'll admit that.

Well, I've gotta go.

Sincerely,
Sophie AKA Itself

I'm home, I'm back, Welcome Home, Tadaima!

Hello, Hellos, I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm well again and happier now that summer is here.

My Mother now has a broken leg. I'm not sure what to do. We've moved our vacation back a few weeks, so I'll probably go on vacation a week before school starts. I'm actually looking forwards to the start of school. I want to see if I've really changed a lot. Only way to tell: ask your peers. Assuming they remember me. Cause I'm just too quiet in school. I rarely speak up unless I wanna quote a textbook or explain a myth or legend. I'm what you would call a brainiac.

Me and my friends spent the 4th of July together. M&M set off fireworks for us. It was slightly raining at the time but it panned out in the end. The food was good and I was actually allowed to eat, which is always a plus. (Mom and Dad and my Sisters don't like it when I eat in front of them.)

My birthday was fun and awesome. I got a stereo system I use daily and some other random cool things. I was happy about this. One of my gifts just happened to be the movie 'Howl's Moving Castle.' I love that movie! It's my favorite Miyazaki film so far. I haven't seen all of his works, but I'm hoping to. I think it's about the time of year Cartoon Network shows them, so I can always wait for that. I've heard good things about the flick 'Laputa Castle In The Sky.' I kinda wanted to watch it last year, but I would have preferred to see 'Princess Mononoke.' Weird, since I usually don't like those kinds of films.

Speaking of films, I recently watched Wall-E. (I know; I know, I should have seen Batman.) I thought it was cute but creepier than the directors were probably going for. The scenes of the Earth I found to be morbid and borderline scary.

Lucia has been around a lot and Myself hasn't. Sometimes she showed up, but Lucia prefers the summer. HYPER HYPER. Well, she keeps me off of the couch. Let's go daily bikeride! Let's go running around! Let's go running up and down the stairs twelve times a day to get things for Mom!

Too much enthusiasm .

But yeah, that's what's new with me. I'll post again soon so I can describe this cool new series I just found called Pumpkin Scissors. Weird name, fun show.

See ya then!
Xox Sophie AKA itself.

Itself again

I apologize for the post made by Myself a minute ago; I couldn't help but take it down. I really need to talk her into seeing someone about that.

Well, that made a lot of sense.

I've been fine lately. I'm preparing to take a trip to Mt. Vernon, Ohio, in two weeks. It'll be a long and burdensome trip if memory serves me. We'll stay in a little apartment house with three or so adults. There will be nothing but basic furniture, so we'll have to bring our sheets, books, soap, towels, hair dryers, pillows, etc. There'll be food, plenty of good food, and we'll get it for free cause we're participating. I'll probably be bored though, since it's a talent display among the tri-state area and I only have one thing to perform in. Of course, I'll still be expected to support everyone else, but you'd be surprised how little time that kills. By the end of the first day, me and some of the other girls were almost in tears for sheer lack of obvious entertainment. I brought my manga, but that didn't help as much as I'd hoped.

I'm not really looking forwards to this trip, as you can imagine. But still, we have free access to their tennis courts and their baseball and soccer fields and pool tables and ping-pong tables and other recreational activities, so if I get suicidal from the monotony I'll just break my promise to myself and play sports in front of other people. That is not at all a pretty sight, let me tell you. I'm not that athletic. But still, it'll pass a few hours.

In other news, my birthday is in a week! I'll be fourteen years old. This year my Birthday falls on Memorial day. I'm having a few close friends over so that we can have fun instead of me being home alone with my family who resents me. I'm not sure what I'm getting. Probably nothing huge, but I didn't request anything huge, so it doesn't matter. I'm hoping I'll get that tiny stereo system I asked for, to play my CDs, but I know I probably didn't. Oh well.

So that's pretty much all that's going on. Sorry it was short and boring. You'll hopefully hear from me soon!
XOX,
Sophie AKA Itself.

Me, Myself, and my failing heart

Hello, and welcome to my blog. I'm Sophie, referred to by my split personalities as 'Itself.'

Today I realized that I have no health whatsoever. Not only am I sick (another vocal cord thing), But I've been having bad blackouts, which could be the sign of a neurological disorder to screw them all. I need to see a Doctor, but it's gonna be another week before I can. And then I have so many health complaints it's not even funny. I need to figure out how to keep my eyes open for more than three seconds at a time, figure out what these horrible chest pains that involve the feeling of being ripped open are, and talk about these bad blackouts. If I have time, I can maybe launch into a few rants about how much my life sucks.

The only bad thing about seeing the Doctor is that I'll probably need a shot. Either that, or they'll need to take blood to affirm that nothing is wrong. (I can tell them that if they'll listen.)

Lucia, meanwhile, has shown up a lot. I'm not sure why. She goes to school sometimes and shocks everyone with her loving and sweet attitude. Myself has reared her head a couple of times, but not for very long. She likes to seem anonymous. They haven't posted in their world yet because me and them have kept very busy. I don't see that as a bad thing; in fact, I'm happy that we have things to do. Lucia's social tendencies seem to be improving my life in general, and Myself's deadly attitude keeps the demons at bay.

My Mom found a little notebook I've been keeping that I call my 'Death Note.' i don't intend for anyone to die, of course, but she still thinks I'm psychotic. She's convinced that I'm gonna shoot everyone. I'm not, of course, I just wish my tormentors would go f*ck themselves. That would make my life a helluva lot easier. But of course, I will survive either ways. I have no intentions of dying now or later. Really, I don't honestly intend to die period.

We went to the mall tonight. I bought a 16+ manga, even though I'm technically not old enough. The woman behind the counter let me buy it after a brief once over revealed that I was older than ten. After which I left the store clutching my bag to my chest and hyperventilating. I was scared I wouldn't get to buy Godchild!

But everything has a way of working out. I bought Godchild and am going to start reading it, assuming I haven't already and just blacked out. God I need help. I hope our insurance covers me AGAIN.

So all is okay for me.

It's especially okay since I just got a lovely little makeover and am now pretty. I have a sweet face to match my sweet voice and I just love it to death. I look so cute! I'm not being a narcissist; I'm just very glad this worked out well. Very, Very glad.

I must depart now! See ya and be safe!
sincerely, Sophie AKA Itself.

Me Again!

Hihi! For those of you who are just reading this blog for the first time, I'm Sophie and I go by Itself. If you've come to see my blog again, welcome back!

Recently, my family went away on a trip and I was left at home alone with my Mother. This turned out to be a decent set-up because we avoided each other the entire time. My Mother and I don't get along. Mom regrets having children and I regret having her for a Mom. I personally think Mom needs to stop randomly deciding not to take her pills/to start taking new pills. She's 100 per cent drug dependent, you see, so I sometimes have to babysit her. She doesn't interact well with people in general, is easily offended and overly offensive, Has no sense of fun, and is cheap except when it comes to herself. I have my hands full, as you can see,

My Father and two Sisters are home now, thank God. Dad was happy to see me and glad that I was okay, because he knows how Mom can be bad to me when he's not around. She's kicked me out of the house before, and then let me back in because Dad was home. He would have argued that I'm a thirteen year old girl and can't possibly fend for myself and that she better let me in or else. Dad is the household adult, along with me, cause I'm the eldest child.

We divide chores pretty well. We don't clean often, so that means there isn't that much else that needs done. My Sister cooks because I hurt people when I cook, my Dad repairs the house because he's very handy (and he also helps with cooking), my littlest Sister runs around and does smaller tasks, and I vacuum and help Mom and take care of the animals. I also clean the bathrooms, because my Sister Jewel obviously can't. The place is always a disaster zone when she's done. I think it actually gets worse!

We actually have a lot of animals. Three dogs, an injured cat, and a Hamster. The Hamster is mine and he's called Butter or Butters. He's a cute little devil who escapes a lot because he's very cunning and deceitful. He stays in his cage by my bed, so I don't get lonely in my room. He sleeps a lot during the day and wakes up when I come in to prepare for bed. I usually feed him then. His favorite food is strawberry treats and his best friend is the tiny stuffed dog who 'lives' near the hideout he built for himself for his escapes.

Our dogs are a motley lot. A medium-sized, shaking, black dog who looks possessed when she gets mad, a big white fluffy wolf-dog who is the incarnate of our first dog, and our fat stupid Basset Hound who whines and barks and bites for no reason.

The cat has a leg infection since he got into a fight with another cat. We've kept him in the laundry room till his leg can heal. He whines a lot and is a big baby.

As you can probably tell, I love animals. I always have. My favorite animal is the Amur Tiger, which is a kind of Tiger often portrayed in ancient relief carvings as a dragon. It is a very beautiful kind of animal, one that's large and moves with godlike majesty. It's a very breathtaking creature. They have one at the Columbus zoo, which is where I first saw it. I used to live in Columbus, so when my family came back one time for a visit, we figured we'd visit the zoo for old times sake. That's how I got to see the Tiger.

I have lived in four different places in my short life. Upper Arlington, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, Marysville, Ohio, and middle-of-nowhere, West Virginia. I like West Virginia. It's a pretty town, not touched by Ohio's urban hell vibe. God, Ohio was the land of highways and land development. I watched animal habitats bite it to make room for more housing development and I was like, 'WTF?' Seriously, it's ridiculous. People DIED due to the pollution out in the countryside. Nothing says problems like the pollution levels being off the charts in the damned COUNTRYSIDE.

But I digress.

Well, I gots ta go. Got other things to do today. Thanks for reading this! I wish you a day full of goodness and blessings!
Sophie AKA Itself.

P.S: My split personalities don't need a blog right now, but I'll create one for them soon. They've been wrapped up hating life. I'm sure they'd want me to say 'Hi!' though.