Hello, hello. My name is Xan and I will be your host this evening. Tonight we are serving Boring Life Problems, SHAMELESS Self Promotion, Conceited Blathering, and Mainly Stupid Stuff. Our most popular wine is Why Me. May I seat you?
Feel free to browse but try not to carouse! I hope you enjoyed my pun up there, because I sure did. Here's some boring facts about moi:
- Not a chick
- Not a dude
- So stfu
- I love you! ily, ilu, <3
- I am the Prince of Punk
Blah blah blah BLAH BLAH UGH HOW BORING.
There's really not much else to say. In my past-time I sleep and draw ugly pictures. Sometimes I write stupid words, which you can see in my only other world "Ugh Just Some Words." Otherwise I'm just a piece of trash weeb.
Hmmmm.
Today at work I started laughing so hard I started crying, and then found I couldn't stop crying. So I had to force myself to stop, and then told my boss, and then went home. So I researched some more depersonalization stuff, then destructive narcissism. It was all interesting. It may be a disorder, it may not be. But whenever I was crying, I had no prior notion that I was upset. Which is strange. I have almost become entirely detached from my emotions. And I really hope it isn't because I quit taking my medication cold turkey. That's probably what people are going to say is the issue, though. I guess because I usually act like I don't know what's right for me, and put the responsibility on others. So.
Hmmm. There's not really much else.
Hey. Surprise, I'm still alive.
So I worked through how I was feeling. I believe myself to be incompetent, so I put on others the responsibility of taking care of me. Which stresses people out. They are not supposed to take care of me. So I have to understand that I'm a competent individual that doesn't need to be coddled. I have to know that I am enough for the world around me. I can't discredit my experiences and knowledge.
The trouble is the understanding of this. I tend to only do things that will help me feel better about myself. I don't step outside my comfort zone.
So that's the trouble. I don't step outside my comfort zone because I want to be protected all the time. Bluh.
I push people away. I just... I don't know. I'm so distressed all of the time. I just lost another roommate, proving that, yes, I am the problem when it comes to having roommates. I'm high maintenance and just.... god. I want to just... I don't know. My friend and current roommate was getting stressed out because of me, and annoyed because of me I know, and she told me that we shouldn't live together, and I agreed. I knew it was a bad idea from the start. But, god, it just hurts. I can't have anybody because I push them away. Because I get angry and scared and confused. I was getting annoyed with her because we didn't interact much, and I knew she didn't like me very much because I am not a fun roommate. I sit around, being bitter and angry and sad. God. I can't have a roommate because I can't figure myself out. I can't do this. I'm so fucking frustrated. And she was worried about me constantly, and told me that she can't have that kind of stress in her life. How in the fuck am I going to make it through college? If she can't deal with the stress of my life, how can I? This is so terrible. This is my fourth roommate.
I need to be in a hospital. That's it. I just need to be monitored and medicated 24/7 and just... coddled. Because I'm so fucked up. Like, when we didn't live together, she just saw that I was funny and fun and kind of wacky. But now she sees that I'm these things because I get upset and then that's how I release my stress. And it's violent. I'm a very angry person. I just. I hate this. I hate it. I hate myself and I hate my life. This is so dumb.
Blah blah blah *problems* blah blah blah *complain* blah blah blah
Ugh, who even cares? Bluh.
I'm just going to lay here and dieeeeeeeeee
Like the damned emo kid I am
Enough of that.
I don't think I'm in love with my...
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Ugh. Yes, "Ugh." I don't actually know if I still depersonalize any more. I was researching and realized I don't dissociate, I depersonalize. But whatever. I know I did when I was a kid. But, now... I'm not too sure. I mean, sure, I don't always react to upsetting stimuli. I don't realize that I'm supposed to be upset. Which, I know, is a strange way to put things. But... I don't exactly react to my environment unless prompted. Like, unless somebody tells me to be sad at an event, I am indifferent to it. Sure, some events I've learned to be sad to. Mostly I empathize with pain.
Okay, so maybe I don't always need to be prompted. But a lot of times... I feel like... or maybe I don't feel. I just won't react unless it's been cued. And then I treat those cued emotions as if they are real. If you tell me that something is important and why that something is important, only then will I pay attention. Otherwise I think it's pointless. And I have to constantly believe in its importance or I'll stop caring.
I mean, sure, maybe it is sever depression. But maybe it's not. I constantly forget things, I don't react unless told in almost any situation.... Gods, I don't know. I used to tell people that I felt really old. Just mentally exhausted.
I don't even know. I'm just confused. Is it severe depression? Is it depersonalization disorder? Who knows! Maybe I'm growing out of depersonalization. Is that a thing? Gods.
Whatever I'm out.
