I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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A girl from my high school who was three years younger than me (my brother's age) died last night when she was driving home. She lost control of the vehicle and was ejected from her car. It sounds like she was alive when help arrived, but they couldn't save her. She died. Dead.
Did I know her?
I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone and their family. She was a teammate. I coached her. Wasn't real close with her nor were we really friends. But, she was a spunky, quirky, popular, and fun girl. We got along alright when we interacted, but I haven't talked to her since I graduated.
And then I saw on facebook that she died last night, and it's just so sad. So so so sad.
So, last night I had a terrible dream. It starts off with me at home with my parents. Only, our house is a giant mansion, which is nice in the dream. And I'm getting texts from a guy I went to school with, who months ago, sent me texts of the sexual kind and it came off really creepy and I didn't really want anything to do with him, and so we quit talking. So anyway, in my dream, he knew Joe and I broke up, so he was saying now the two of us could hook up. I didn't want to be with him because on Facebook it says he is in a relationship with someone, and he has at least one kid. (This is all true, too.) And in my dream, I thought he had been with a shit ton of women, and I was like, no, I don't want to get an STD. And he was so persistent. But, I said no, which was a big deal because I have such a problem with saying no.
Then, I'm running through corn fields and I wind up at my high school and run into some of my old basketball teammates and they tell me they are going to Sioux Falls, where I'm living now, for a tournament and asked if I wanted to come play. Of course, I said yes.
Our hotel was like my apartment, and I had to room with Sam. We put our stuff away and left. Somehow, I met up with Joe and was bringing him back up to the room, only when we walk in, the room has all the guys that have a crush on me in it: Dylan, Richard, Chris, Woody (Who is the only one in the group who doesn't actually have a crush on me), Flynn, and this guy I had never seen but whose name is Derek. But when I walk in, I see Rich and wince because Joe and I were keeping our 'relationship' a secret from him, and here he saw the both of us together with no way out of it. Rich won't even look at me, and I feel guilty about it for a second before I just walk over him and Joe and I sit on the bed. Chris is trying to talk to me, but then Joe reaches over and pulls me into him and we start making out. And I can remember in my dream, Chris was like, "Oh, so that's your boyfriend." And Joe never stopped.
Well, then my phone goes off. The game is starting, and I felt conflicted because I was supposed to be hosting Joe here and I had to give him a ride home and he'd be stuck in a very awkward spot dealing with all these guys, and I didn't think it would be right of me to leave him there, but I really wanted to go play basketball. So, I went.
I played so awesome, I was the best on the team, and I was doing so well. I'm a very physical, aggressive player. Towards the end of the game, two of the girls came up to me and told me that with how physical of a player I am, I shouldn't coach kids. (It's my dream to coach my own kids in basketball when they get old enough. And everyone knows it). They were saying how I'd never be as good of a coach as my dad and that I'd just fail and there'd be no point.
Those words literally crushed me. I couldn't breathe, and I was so mad. I didn't even finish the game. I wanted to cry, and then to top it off, when I get back to the apartment, everyone is gone. Joe included. He had been the only one I wanted to see. I needed him, and he was gone. I had no one. I was all alone.
Then, I went on a drive to try and find Joe, and I kept calling him, but somehow, his phone ended up in the car, and I was so worried he'd never get his phone. Then I woke up.
This dream dealt with so many of my insecurities, it's insane.
I don't know if any of you remember me talking about a guy who sent me a picture of his dick, whose name also happens to be Joe? Well, we have talked for about a month now about him coming up near here and we could hang out in his hotel.
Well, Friday, I got cold feet and didn't go meet him like originally planned. I went to Sioux City to meet my brother for dinner. And we had a good time. We talked about our issues we have with life and just meandered through the mall and walked around outside and just screwed around.
So then yesterday, I'm thinking I'm not gonna go. I texted him and told him I didn't feel comfortable meeting him and I didn't want to go. But, he was persistent, and he said we wouldn't even have to have sex or anything and we could just hang out.
And I had been waiting for my Joe to text me about hanging out. But, since it was 9 and he hadn't texted me, I said fuck it. I need to get out of my comfort zone. So, I said I'd come. And I did. I drove all the way out to meet him. And we talked for awhile and then had sex.
And before we did anything, my Joe texted me about wanting to hang out, and since I had wanted to be with My Joe more than Dick Pics Joe, I felt guilty and regretted going. But I couldn't get out of it. So, I stayed. And the whole time, I'm thinking about my Joe.
My Joe always said I just thought he was good at sex because I hadn't had anything else. But, I've been with 2 other guys now that claim to have been with a lot of women and know what they are doing. And neither can make me feel like how my Joe can make me feel. And that's probably because I love Joe. I don't love either of these other two.
But, I kept comparing everything Dick Pics Joe did to my Joe. I didn't have as much fun as I probably could have. I still love my Joe, and I can't let him go. I just want to move on, but I can't. Ugh.
I'm sure you guys have noticed the change in me better than anyone since I'm on here all the time.
But yesterday, I was texting a friend that I haven't seen since she graduated at the end of May. We text on and off all the time. Usually at least once a day. And she usually always texts me first. Not that I am bad at texting first, but lately with Joe and how sad I'm feeling, I don't have anything to text her about. I mean, I'm sad all the time. And I'm just now getting out of that. I'm getting better. But I don't want to talk to her about it when we do text because she has depression. I don't want to be complaining about the shit that happens to me to her when it's always the same old shit.
Well, last saturday I texted her something. And she was like, I was wondering when you'd text me first. And then she was asking me what was wrong. That I always seem so sad and serious now. I used to use smiley faces and exclamation points in my texts a lot, and in the past month, that's all stopped without me even realizing it until she said something.
I shrugged it off, thinking it was just because she hasn't seen me in over a month. But then I was talking to someone this week who I haven't talked to in months, and after a couple words, he asked me what was wrong, that I was texting him differently now.
So, then I got curious, so I asked a friend who I see all the time and text most if my texting style has changed. And she said yes. That she noticed I had gotten a lot more serious.
Great. So, I'd been trying to keep everything normal, but this sadness that's overcome me has taken over every part of me. Now, I have to make a conscious decision to sound more upbeat in my texts because I don't want to come across sad and serious. That's not who I was before all this, and it's who I want to be again.
Sigh.
