I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. – Louise Hay
"You can be the worlds greatest hero, or its most mild mannered citizen, the only person who can write your story, is you!" - Jonathan Kent to Clark Kent
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I just want to cry. More so than what I've done since Friday, which is a lot. I feel like absolute shit. My hearts so much right now. I just feel incredibly broken, and I don't know how to put it back together. Everyone says time will help, and I know it will, but that's a sore consolation right now.
I've been hanging out with this guy, Steve, who is so nice, and everything I'd be looking for in a guy. And I mean everything. He came to me and seemed to be really into me. We hit it off great. We had a lot in common; we were communicating, he just understood what I needed, and it was great. We've hung out only a few times. But I knew that if I wanted to move forward with him, I couldn't be with Joe. So Steve was the motivation behind me telling Joe I could no longer be with him.
And then today, Steve texts me to tell me he's got to focus on his career and can't pursue anything with me anymore.
Oh good.
And I forgot to mention that I did go and see Joe in person Friday night. I said my side of things. And he said his. He apologized for not showing how much he loved me, but that he always had and that he would be willing to date me again to keep me. And I told him that him telling me that doesn't change anything because he wouldn't have wanted to do tht if I hadn't brought this all up. We basically spent one last night together. And it was weird because we were talking for once. About silly things. We were laughing, like I hadn't ever said anything. And the next morning, we just laid in bed together until I had to leave for work. You would never have known I told him we couldn't see each other anymore.
Which just now has me more confused. Part of me wants to give him a second chance. If he's willing to date me and be like he was Friday night, it would be perfect. But I know that it isn't what I need. He'd just revert back to how things were before I brought this all up. Been there done that.
But with Steve not wanting to be with me, and me pushing Joe away, I feel so lost. I have no idea what was the right decision. I feel so alone. Only one of my friends knows about what's happening and she can't come see me because she and her fiance have his kids for the weekend. And a part of me doesn't want to see anyone anyway. I just want to crawl back into bed and grieve and cry.
I can't help feeling like there is something wrong with me. Why does no one want to get close to me? Am I repulsive? And people who are in a relationship can't comfort me because they're not where I am. They have been heartbroken before, but all of my friends have barely ever been single, so it's not the same at all, and they don't understand that.
And I can't talk to my family about it because they think I stopped seeing Joe 2 years ago. So I'm just stuck.
And I have to go to work tonight and give fucking excellent service to get good tips. And I'll have to see Steve as we work together, too. So that'll be fun. And then I have to go to work tomorrow and train people at my position. I don't want this. I did this to myself, though, so I better get used to it, but it just sucks so fucking much. I am so tired of crying.
I need some major encouragement right now, guys.
I finally decided enough was enough and broke up with Joe. It was something i needed to do 2 years ago. And I know eventually I'll feel like it was a good decision, but right now I feel like absolute shit, and I need some positivity.
I did it over text, which I know is the coward's way to 'break up' with someone, but I knew if i didn't do it over text, I'd chicken out in person. I told him I just felt like my life was at a standstill, that I just feel like I'm waiting on Joe to decide what's going to happen with us/me. And I'm done waiting. I have my own life I want to lead, and I can't move on if I'm constantly waiting on someone. I told him I didn't want to stay over or do anything physical. And he told me he wanted to delete all of my contact info so he doesn't get tempted to call or text. I told him that I didn't want to be deleted out of his life, and he told me I can't have it both ways. I apologized for hurting him and told him this was the hardest decision I ever had to make.
And he said stop and then sent me a long text that said: "I've told you for years you should leave me so I get that... it sucks it hurts but I get it...Text though... that's pretty shitty... I can't be around you if this is your decision because it will hurt too much and make me upset so it really sucks. You couldn't give me an actual goodbye. Especially since I've told you how many times how much I hate text and refuse to do it for important shit. But that's is how it is... the last time I saw you I didn't know it was the last time... that's sad too, I won't try for things you no longer want. So good luck with everything Nikki.. truly... I will always regret that I wasn't better... and again I will delete this conversation and contact info so."
And I told him if he wanted to meet in person we could. But I wouldn't have been able to say any of this in person; I would have lost my nerve. I feel terrible doing it the way that I did, but I didn't know how else to do it and ensure I went through with it. I didn't know the last time we were together would be our last time either. And I was also a little put off by how much he was so upset about the texting part. I mean, I understand that it sucks, but he broke up with me three times over text and only talked to me in person when I begged him to do so. So why is it not okay that I do it, but he can?
Then he told me good luck, and I told him the same and said sorry for hurting him. and he said, "You could've not texted it to me." I've explained why I did and offered to meet up in person. I regret how I did it. I am truly sorry. He said if I wanted to meet up then to come over and say it. I said if that's what he wanted, I would and asked if he wanted me to come over now. and he says "or not... forget it." And I just said I would come again. I don't understand where the forget it part comes when I offered to do so.
The longer this conversation goes on, the more pissed off I get about it.
But I am still extremely sad, but I know it was something that needed to be done. I bawled like a baby on the way home and in the shower. I feel awful. I need some cheering up.
Yesterday I was having a really shitting fucking day. WOrk was mega stressful. And to top it off, work denied my PTO requests to go to the JJ Redick game. So I had to lose the money I paid for the tickets. But my dad and I decided to go to the Oklahoma City game instead. It'd be a better game to watch. But I was pissed for having my PTO denied. All because if I was gone, no one would know how to do month end reports.
And when I got home, I checked my mail. I got a letter from E. My old roommate and exbest friend. She was the one who moved her boyfriend into our apartment without asking me and then never talked to me since I left. Well, she wrote me a note and mailed it to me with something she had to mail me, too.
She told me I was right and she was wrong. She had to kick her boyfriend out because he was physically beating her and her dog that they got together. She says she's getting her shit together. She doesn't expect me to forgive her or talk to her again, but she wanted to apologize.
So I decided I'd meet her in person and see how things go. We're gonna meet up on Sunday for lunch. I'm kind of nervous about meeting her. I mean, she and I are two totally different people now. And I'm not sure I can trust her again. We will never be what we were. At all. She fucked that up. So I'm not sure what I'm expecting going into this, but I guess I'll just have to see.
My favorite day of the year is the last couple days because I get to go back and rethink about where I was a year from now and think of all the things I did and accomplished.
Last year was my year of firsts.
This year is my year of doing.
I am no longer sitting on the sidelines waiting for shit to happen to me. No. I'm going out and making it happen. Crossing things off of my bucket list.
But if there is one thing I learned this year, it's that you should never take the people in your life for granted. No matter how great of friends you are or how long you have known each other. Nothing is set in stone, and you could lose that person. So appreciate them while they are in your life.
January
Won an award at work
Bought a car
Got my wisdom teeth removed.
February
Moved in with my then-best friend.
Watched a drug bust take place
March
Brother left for study abroad
Other brother was in a play
Bought a Wii!
April
Went to Omaha and spent a lovely weekend with a friend
Went to an Opera
May
Little brother came up and spent a long weekend with me
Got a new job
Lost my best friend
Moved out again
My cousin graduated college
June
Wore a bikini for the first time
Both the brothers came up to spend a weekend with me
Went to a very important wedding and reunited with some of my favorite people
Strange cat found her way into my apartment
Started working out again
July
Went to Estes Park, Colorado
Rode a horse for the first time
Found out I have an allergy to adhesives
Became a redhead
August
Started my second job
Got another award at work
Family got a new puppy
Saw Star Wars for the first time
September
Got my belly button pierced
Mom spent the weekend with me
Started 3rd job
Got my 51 inch TV
October
Went to Chicago
MET JENSEN ACKLES and MISHA COLLINS!!
Had my first omelet
November
WEnt back to being blonde
Family got a new puppy
Got a tattoo
Moved again
Business trip to Minneapolis
December
PAid off my car
Christmas at home
I feel like I did so much for myself this year, which really helped me grow and mature into a better person.
I sure hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!
MY family celebrates Christmas, and it was great. I love everything I got: a quesadilla maker (you know you're an adult when you ask for kitchenware.), the first two seasons of Supernatural, some perfume, belly button rings, a peacoat, and Dragon Age Inquisition! It may not be a lot, but they're great!
I had to cut my vacation short a day because of bad weather. But it turned out not to be too bad anyway, so I could have spent an extra day at home. Ugh.
My dad found us two old sleds and tied them up to the 4 wheeler, and he pulled us around going nearly 30 miles per hour. Talk about fun. I fell off a bunch of times and got the wind knocked out of me once, but I didn't even feel it-well, not until yesterday and today. So much fun!!
I have bruises everywhere, and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me. Worth it!
Now to the really embarrassing story. I went over to Joe's last night. He wasn't doing too well and needed some company. I will throw out there that I was so tired. I had a hard time staying awake my 2 hour drive back to the city and that was at 5. Then I went and watched Gone Girl with a friend and then marathoned a couple episodes of Alias, which I couldn't even finish watching because I fell asleep. I could barely stand. My head hurt like no other every time I moved. Now, on to being with Joe.
We were having sexy time. It was great. He told me he loved me and he's been really into calling me 'baby' lately, which I always hated, but I don't mind so much if it's from him. We moved into the bathroom where he was standing behind me, holding my arms above my head and caressing me, and we were watching each other in the mirror. Well, as I was standing there, I began to feel lightheaded, but I figured it'd go away on its own if I stood still and didn't try to do anything.
Unfortunately that didn't work out too well. Down I went, and all I just remember being on the floor with Joe's arms around me, holding me up. And I just was like, did I pass out? There was a slight other mishap that has never happened before any of the other times I've passed out.
I was so embarrassed. I had to have joe practically carry me out of the bathroom and put me on the bed and he cleaned everything up and then kind of ignored me. And I kept apologizing. He went out to smoke and when he came back in, he went and laid down on the couch rather than on the bed with me, and I asked what he was doing sleeping on the couch, and he kept saying how he hurt me or that it should have been him. And I kept telling him it wasn't his fault-because it wasn't! It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened. I was feeling lightheaded all day. But he wouldn't drop it. At all.
I told him I still loved him, but he never responded. He could have been asleep, but I'm not thinking so. So we went to bed not really talking to each other, which I think is the worst. I'm kind of pissed at myself for fainting, and ruining our sexy time since we didn't get to finish. And the last time we were having sexy time, we had to stop because Joe thought he was having a heart attack. It's been too long since we were able to go all the way, damnit.
