Hey all
Its been 6 days since my last journal and I'm feeling better but it has been a bumpy road.
None the less I still have to staff at the Zenkaicon convention (leaving today) for the next four days or so. At first I was debating even going but as I felt better that feeling went away and my nervousness about being a "gofer OP" went away. I know that I'll have fun, I got a butt load of glow sticks for the rave. This will help me feel better overall too since I won't be looking at the news about Japan.
Speaking of, Anna kindly brought one of my adoptables so I can donate! I was so happy that I was ready to cry again haha. I'm going to add that to my 25$ that I'm able to donate and I'll donate more when I'm at the con. Thank you so much Anna, your so kind and sweet!
And I wanted to throw in some words of the wise manly because I hate hearing the internet in general pick apart at "the best way to help Japan" or people get this high and mighty aura because they donated. I mean someone I respected on twitter said "Instead of wishing, hoping, and throwing fairy dust at Japan, I'm actually donating".
(I'm going to get some frustrations out first) First off, take the incredibly huge **** out your ass. I mean I wouldn't be so anal if this person wasn't STILL ADVERTISING HER LIVE STREAMS, CONTESTS, ART, AND PRODUCTS ON TWITTER among her "donations" which were way less in comparison. Shit, I hear way more about her personal stuff then some hardcore "let donate to Japan" rallying. I'm not trying to down her since I really like her as an artist and such but "mind sets" like this irritate me to no end, which will lead me to my original saying.
"You can't buy miracles" or more a less "Miracles doesn't come from money"
Pick or choose whichever quote you like best but the message is the same. In no way shape or form can money do what love, appreciation, and compassion can. Yes, money can "buy" all the things that Japan needs to help rebuild and such but look a little deeper then that and you will see that "positive" emotions was the drive of it. It was the wanting to help another that made that person or entity give the money in the first place. And even if you can't give money, that energy will materialize in some way which miracles can happen down the road in whatever form it comes in.
That's way I can't stress enough that if you CAN'T donate or give money by all means and "pray", and/or "positive energy" to Japan. It will reach there and it will create those miracles in small and big ways. In a huge way already the world is coming together to help a county. To me that's pretty awesome knowing how shitty this world can be. Unlike a lot of things in this world love and positive energy can help heal anything in this planet. I mean that's what the best stuff in this earth is made of, love and positive emotions.
So yeah, don't feel bad if you can't help money wise. Everything happens for a reason and somewhere down the road your energy will get picked up in some form. So just send your love and positivity to Japan because that helps just as much if not more then money.
This is my take on life and how the world works, if this doesn't resonate with you then by all means ignore it.
Thanks for reading you guys, take care.
(edit- I posted my adoptables on FA and DA. IF you can't donate please spread the word about them. :))
I'm going to try to make this quick since I am having a hard with this so please bear in mind that this is a very emotional post. :(
Yesterday was a complete nightmare for me in fact this whole week wasn't at its best but anyway.
I don't know where to begin, I woke up in a cranky mood and really bad sleep (even though it was the best I had that week) only to come down stairs to she the natural disaster in Japan. The footage was horrific but when stuff like that comes on I don't watch it. Its too horrible to watch and I always try to be on the positive end of everything that happens. So I go about my business for the rest of the day trying not to think about it, I think I went back to bed too since it was really early.
When I woke up I felt weird, I felt like I was in a dream. I had a bad feeling in my stomach that I could describe as someone taking it and putting it on its side. Or even taking a foreign object like a wrench and putting it right in the middle of my stomach. I knew shit wasn't right, everything just felt off. It felt like half the world had disappeared. It was sunny and quiet but I felt on edge and on high alert like something bad was happening. Its probably because I tried to forget (or more like block out) what was happening in Japan but my instincts knew exactly what was going on and was giving me a hard time over it. Even though I just woke up and felt better then I did earlier that morning, I still felt off and disgruntle in a way. So I watch my show at 12PM and right in the middle of it a news special comes on and Obama gives his condolences to Japan and what not. I got pissed off because I know it wasn't going to end anytime soon so I got down stairs on the computer.
I've been cutting off my time on the internet because its been taking a toll on me, so I go on in the afternoon instead of first thing in the morning. So I go on and of course the disaster is EVERYWHERE. Everyone is talking about it and I'm like WTF, not that its bad that they are talking about it. It is a natural disaster after all in one of the most beloved counties ever but it felt like I was being forced fed of it. I didn't want to see (or more of it) it because I know how bad it already seemed. I talked to Brandon as well and didn't mention it to him, I just told him I was feeling really crappy that morning. So I go and just "try" to keep myself busy feeling like shit, unmotivated, and "why am I'm here?" till my mom comes home from work.
Oh god, she mentioned Japan and ask me how bad it was and I broke down and cried and cried and cried and cried. It was insane, I'm crying right now I've been crying through half way typing this because I feel so much and its hard, its really hard. I cried so much because I honestly feel like I have family there in Japan, I can tell you right now that I have no friends or family in Japan, I have no one that's part Japanese, I don't even know anyone that's been to Japan. I have no real connections to Japan other then the many pleasures that come from there, food, anime, culture, etc. And I'll tell you now that this is more then those things and "my favorite county" just got hit by a earthquakes and tsunami's. I don't even think about anime or games when I see what's happening. I feel like my family and friends over there. I feel like my closest blood relatives is there as a whole is getting hit by this. I told my mom that and she said "its because you have a heart" and she was comforting me a lot. I feel like a huge unbreakable thick bond has been summoned out the blue when I started crying. My mom wanted to see what was happening so she turned on the news, she said if I was going to get emotional to just close my eyes (not in a mean way, she wanted to see what happened and I wanted to see it too for myself). Oh my god, seeing the footage just made me cry more in a deep deep way( I cry when thinking about, I cried when I saw it this morning). Seeing the devastation, the buildings shaking and watching the people run for their lives just put a hole in my heart. Those feelings I explained before just got stronger and I just feel like a half of a person. I feel like that now. I feel helpless to do anything for Japan right now. Through all of this yesterday, I just wanted to just go to Japan and hug somebody or do something. I feel like a mother seeing its child dying in the street. Its so bad how I feel right now and I'm a day away from Japan, I'm pretty sure no one knows who I am over there. And for me crying and feeling the way I do is nothing short of amazing, I can't believe it. I can't believe I feel so strongly about this despite my likings my likings of Japan. I feel like a close family member died and I'm mourning terribly and I'm staffing at a local anime convention this Thursday till Sunday. It was hard for me to watch anime this morning without thinking about it. I can't get Japan out my mind unless I'm totally consumed in something, its so much more then my favorite county, its like my "home". I'm finding it hard to do anything right now. Its so hard, I would be lying if I said "I got really emotional but I'm trucking it along with my emotions", I'm no where close to that. I'm still getting over the shock, sadness, yearning, and so many other emotions right now. Its like a shit milkshake and I got the XL size, its not even half empty.
Now I'm just trying to think what to do next, I can donate to the red cross but I would be lying more if I said "that would be enough". Its not enough, and that is one of the hardest things for me to grasp, I can donate $1000 and it still won't be enough me, it doesn't feel like it does shit and I don't normally think this way. I'm really positive and know one silent prayer can tip a worlds negativity but since I feel so close to Japan, I feel like I need to fly over there and do something more. I'm just speechless right now I really am. I'm not even sure if I'm 100% here right now. I feel very drained, anxious, worried, concerned, and helpless right now. I'm thinking of all the ways I can help which all boils down to donating money and like I said before, it isn't enough for me but I'll be damned if I do nothing. I know I need to get my head and emotions together before I do anything. Even though I pretty much cried through typing this whole thing, I feel better, stronger, and more clear on what I need to do. I feel like Japan needs my individual help. I can't stand looking at everyone trying to raise money for Japan and I'm still in this world of pain. Not that I'm mad at myself for feeling the way I do nor should I do, or anyone that feels a lick of pain through this. I know that on of my angel cards say that "sensitivity is a gift". It is and its nothing to be a shamed of. The fact I tried to "avoid" my emotions only made them take a bigger chunk out of me, and needless to say I can't ignore my feelings. Taking out my natural feelings of sadness and trauma of this I have no clue what this unnatural bond with Japan is. I feel like I a piece of my soul and home is there, somewhere that I can't even phantom. I probably know 1% of what Japan is like in any way but I feel such connection there in such a way, I can't explain it. I just know I can't shove that aside too, it is what it is. I just know that my home my people need as much help as they can get and I'll do everything and hold off anything to feel like I'm doing something.
Miraculously, probably a day or night before everything went to hell in Japan I felt like finally making my first adoptable set. I was going to use the money for my crafts but I'll use them to raise money for me to donate to the red cross. As much as it pains me to only be able to donate money, its all I can do and I know that it will help.
This was probably the core of everything that I've been feeling as a whole looking at this pass week. I try not to post extremely personal and emotional things on the internet in general but I had to do this. I couldn't keep these feelings to myself. Every time I closed my eyes that's all I would see and hear. And I feel 10X better then I did before typing this. I feel like the butterflies and rocks that was weighting down my stomach has been 90% lifted. Even though I'm far from being okay like I was before the disaster hit, I feel like I can move on from square one. I'll still be an emotional wreck in a way but I can "keep it moving" and feel like I can continue on. Make the moves I want to make and know that my emotions can be read and heard. I just feel a whole lot better. *signs*
If you read all this, I can do nothing but applaud you because this the toughest journal I ever typed out and posted, and I know it wasn't easy reading it either.
Thanks for reading guys...
