I just came back from going out and find some much needed inspiration for life in general today. The last day or so I felt completely alien to everything around me. As if I just moved in a new family, house, and this planet as a whole. I just felt so weird and withdrawn from the world as if I didn’t fit in and just didn’t belong. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or socialize on the internet at all. I just wanted to go upstairs and be by myself for the rest of forever. I hate feeling that way too because I want to be happy and grateful for life and etc etc (fluff crap I know) but lately I just wasn’t “feeling it”. Today I had a very good time out. Probably not as good as other days but it was still good. I feel wonderful now and I can continue on and not feel like s*it.
So while I was heading to drunken donuts and crossing the street, a lady called me over. The first two times I ignored her just incase she was those less then sane homeless people but when I decided to go to her and she didn’t seem that way at all. At first I thought she was going to ask me directions since she had a map and was telling me about some places she came from. Then she was saying how her grandma had a stroke and she was coming from the hospital her grandma was in.
Needless to say I was trying to feel her out because people pull a lot of crap to get a dime out of you. She continued to say that she needed 7 dollars to get to a New Jersey bus to get home since the fares and fees ate up her money at the hospital. Her cell phone was dead and she was at the verge of tears. I really felt for her and she seemed legit with her story. She kindly asked if I could give her anything so she can get home. I’m going to be honest and say that I did felt some pressure to give her some money since I didn’t want to seem like a jerk or anything. Then I don’t want her to be telling the truth and I just walked away. At the same time I was more then willing to give her my last 5 bucks I had on me (I had a 20 as well but that was my moms). Not because I just wanted to get out of the situation but I did wanted her to get home. Christ, I couldn’t imagine how bad she must of felt. God forbid if I was in such a situation, I would feel like total shit too. She even told me that I looked a sober jersey girl (I’m from Philadelphia, PA and New Jersey is not far from us) and she didn’t want anyone to embarrass her about this. She also didn’t like the fact she was asking for money from strangers.
At the end it was only natural to give her the five dollar bill that was I had in my pocket and even if she was a REALLY good scammer. I am HELPING some one in need and I always keep that in mind when I’m giving a stranger money. She was so grateful that I gave her the money too; it really does make me feel good even now. She said she will ask someone else for the rest of the fare she needed. Then she asked me if she could have a hug, which I was more then happy to give her. :) She wished me a good day and to have her grandma in my prayers. I did the same to her. I really REALLY hope she makes it home safe and she didn’t take me for a ride. I really felt awkward and concerned that I gave up my money to a scammer but I feel really good about it now. I even decided to treat myself with a coolatta at D&D (was going for a small coffee) with my moms 20 dollar bill on the way home haha!
I think that deed alone really made me feel better about everything in life and it isn’t just one big anus trip. Good things does happen when you least expect it (you might be that good thing) so you minds enjoy yourself while you wait for it. :)
Sorry that I haven’t been super active lately. My sister have been using the computer more as well as I’ve been trying to spend more tell off the computer, doing more things that makes me super happy.
In the last few weeks I was working on myself inside and out. Really digging deep into the things I truly enjoy. Like my recent ATC’s, after many years I actually used more then one traditional medium and even used watercolor!
I’ve been clearing away a lot of negativity and negative thoughts that I hold day to day. When I sat down and really pick through the thoughts I think and my overall mindset, I see how it was really holding me back from true happiness.
Like my competitiveness, annoyances, wanting to be the best, the injustice I feel towards things have more of an affect on me in all areas of my life, more then I realized. My creativity and my ability to experiment have been capped for years. My constant yet subconscious worry of what people thinks of me and my pictures have been one of the biggest problems. I have been holding tons of negative energies from the internet for years. I decided to be the captain of my own ship and release such silly nonsense. I made sure that any negativity that I see or read on the internet stayed there.
I have to admit its been doing wonders and I feel so free! I have many things I want to draw, experiment, and coloring traditionally have been fun for me once again! Another thing that I’ve been doing is being ultra positive and not letting anything less come through to me. Oh, man some nights I can’t even sleep because I am so excited for the days ahead and how bright I picture myself in life. Even things that use to make my blood boil I can pick out what I like from it and move on from it. Even when I let myself get upset over something I do my damnest to get back into that positive groove. I hate being grouchy and annoyed over something, it makes my whole life feel like a jail cell. I can’t see the big picture and my ego/negative based thoughts starts creeping in. >_<
But when let myself be happy and focus just on that, I feel so radiant! Like nothing can stop me, there’s no competition, and there’s no rush to do anything, I just go with the flow and everything is completely right in the world!
Besides all that I’ve been working on pictures and things that are making me happy! Including a secret project that I decided not to tell you guys about till it’s done. I just got done the first part of it last night. I’m totally in love with it and I’m seeing amazing potential in it!
I also went on a craft run and got the cutest paper edge punch possible! It’s a lacey heart design, and its sooo awesome and girly! I can’t use it. >_<
Thanks for reading guys!
