Just rambling on about art, being an artist and other shizzzz...
Since everything that happened 4 months ago, art is probably one of the hardest yet most desired things I want to put my time and focus on. However, I can't seem to get out of this chronic rut, or this really slow sluggish feeling of it becoming my thing. I pushed it out of my life onto the back burner in hopes that I can rescue my family from their own bullshit, and I paid a heavy price for it because they are still alcoholics with issues that I could never fix.
I'm honestly very resentful to them still in that aspect (and probably more) because drawing and art WAS MY THANG. I loved it and put a lot of time and energy in it, and I know that my path to "success" (which I feel I never achieved on any scale to be honest) was very much forge in struggle and trying to be someone I'm not, but I can't help but to desire that again. To be so ingrained in my art, to improve and to feel like "this is my thing and I'm going to work it even if it kills me," I had serious grit. But now...NNOOWWWW, it's like I'm afraid to hold the damn pencil because I feel so disconnected to it and myself as an artist, and god I'm looking at all these amazing artists and feeling like shit because I haven't drew all that consistently in YEARS. I'm thinking "what if I didn't stop drawing as much, I would be much better" and all this extra stuff that doesn't even matter. It makes me so angry... SO angry, pissed even.
I guess I'm still feeling anger towards myself for not drawing as much as I would of liked, and even though I've been working on it (my art not my anger) for the last year or two seriously, I feel so lost at it. Like seriously, and it hurts like hell. Should I be the kawaii, everything is big eyed and adorable artist, or go towards something more action/adventure/hard core that I've been really wanting to do. OR should I blend the two or do mostly fan art, but what about my niche? I have to be consistent, and what about my old fans from like the Jurassic that loved my Tokyo Mew Mew stuff and the shit is just crazy... So crazy.
I even tried to make a business out of my art and I just couldn't bring myself to do it... Not that my art was an issue or a problem, but I just don't know what I'm doing as an artist. I'm trying to look for a higher purpose with it and I can't find it. I'm not even sure if that's what I want or need, but I feel like I'm not good enough being where I am or doing what I'm doing as far as art. And I'm so angry and hurt over that, I don't know what to do or where to go from here... I honestly don't
I'm sitting here waiting from some magic experience to happen so that I can really "get on the ball" but it never happens and I know that it's not up to anyone else but me, but I'm honestly feeling very down about it. I'm having a tough time feeling that I'm even deserving of being an artist because I pretty much stopped for way longer than I should...
Hey everyone!
Yeah, I haven't been around for a really long time and there is a reason for that. I'm not able to get into the super deep details about it all but long story short I'm currently in a homeless shelter. I've been there for about 4 months after my sister kicked me out in a drunken rage.
Quite frankly, I was ready to go, and was the best decision I've made so I took so my tablet and other important tech (except my computer) over Brandon's house. Thus the reason why you probably haven't heard from me for a WAY longer time than usual.
However though, I'm happy not to be living with my family in the dysfunction and transitioning to living on my own, finally. Me and my family are on good terms now though which is nice (because consistency right???), but I could never live with them again.
Since coming to the shelter, things have been getting a lot better and I'm becoming a much more independent person as I wanted to be. A lot is happening mostly good, nothing really bad but me stressing the fuck out over everything and my "what's the worst that can happen" mental game.
Right now, my main focus is to get into some type of art program so I can get back to drawing and creating, as well as some other things.
Honestly, my emotions are a bit everywhere today, and I just feel like throwing something expensive, stomping my feet and crying it all out (yay emotions) but I've been feeling better as the day goes on. I'm just tired of the constant struggle of trying to make things work and trying to do everything right when I know that isn't how life works. That I shouldn't strive for perfection or do everything at once. I just have this mentality (that I'm working on) that if I can "fix" this (or whatever) issue or problem then I'll never be stressed or emotionally strained again. And again, life doesn't work that way but growing up the way I did (utter chaos) I'm constantly seeking solid ground and feeling safe... No matter what the cost. Even if it doesn't make sense or never really worked in the past. The thought that I'll finally have that safety keeps me going even if my body is screaming "Hey, maybe you should slow the hell down before you have another burn out" and I'm like "Fuck you, we're almost there THEN we can chill out."
But again... Well, you see the insanity in this.
I go two minutes left on the library computer, see you guys later LOL!
Hey everyone!
I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start by saying how bad I feel for posting such a negative post two weeks ago. I mean it wasn't the worst I ever posted but I like to post about the good things. Then again, I was feeling so dizzy and just full of crap that I just had to let out my feelings, so I guess that is okay.
Any who, this post will be more positive in nature (read not as angry sounding). Even though this week was crappy overall I'm feeling the best I did in over a week or 2.
King-Sama drew a picture for me!
Like seriously, when I saw this my head pretty much exploded in a million pieces. I knew he was drawing a picture for me for the pay it forward challenge but I kinda forgot about it. So when I saw the dedication in my PMs and saw the picture, I was totally shocked. So like spam this man with love and appreciation because he totally deserves it. I had a rough couple of days too so this totally made my night! I can't begin to explain the profound love I have for all of my friends and just the love I get back right now! I'm truly blessed!
Stupid Health flare ups
First it was my back but that quickly disappeared, NOW it's my eczema wants to flare up like crazy. Not to mention for the last week I've been getting small itchy bumps all over my body. It started on my left arm and continued from there. Like this nonsense is insane. The last time I had anything like this happened was when I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics(?) I had taken years ago. Now, literally out of nowhere I'm getting them all over again. I have NO idea where it's stemming from. My mom told me it was from the heat (heat bumps) but looking it up that's 100% wrong. I can only assume that it's from what I may be eating, but that is only an assumption. I don't really know. It could be from the eczema so when I saw Neosporin Essentials Trial Pack that is strictly for eczema I decided to try it. Bumps aside, I needed to find an healthier alternative to help manage my eczema. My ointment that I had for years is slowly running out and quite frankly, I want a more natural approach. Not some cream that has steroids and god knows what else in it that can possibly cause CANCER.
I've been using it for 2 days, used the shower gel, body cream and spot treatment today and holy s**t it works wonders! The super scaly patches that was on my chest totally cleared up! I never seen anything like this. As far as the bumps, the itchiness goes down a lot for hours and if it does start back up I just use the body cream. So far I give this 5/5 stars. If you have trouble with eczema and want a better alternative PLEASE at least try the trial pack. It's truly awesome.
As far as the bumps, if I keep seeing them flaring up I have to go to a doctor as much as I would hate to go. The only thing about that is I may have to wait MONTHS just to have an appointment. And after last year's fiasco, I'm like f**k that noise. Some how I made it with a 10 dollar jar of Tiger Balm, that and a lot of time to heal naturally. But yeah, hopefully these bumps will cease and decease with the Neosporin Essentials.
Going vegan?
Yup, I'm totally leaning in that direction. It's funny because I was thinking about going vegan last week and then that next day I see this book on sale! I read the first few pages and was convinced! I got the book from Amazon itself for about a dollar and some change. With shipping included I only paid less then 7 bucks where the new hardback book is normally 20 dollars! I love scoring deals like this!
I read up to about page 17(?) and man I love it. It explains so much and have me looking at meat even more differently! I'm just glad to know that I'm already on the right track slowly eliminating meats in my diet except seafood as a whole. I was leaning towards being a vegetarian but with this book I think going vegan might be the ultimately better choice. That and it might be a lot easier then I thought! Even though I'm in no position to make drastically huge changes, taking this one step at a time will be more then enough for me since I am living with 3 other meat eaters.
My mental this week
This week has to be one of the hardest weeks I had to deal with this summer so far. My head was so damn fuzzy this week it was hard to do anything! I would have borderline headaches, get nauseous when I was on the computer and I just felt like crappy crap crap. I can't even begin to explain how freaking screwed up I was. Right now though, I feel a lot better after I went outside to spend sometime in nature. Even though some of that fuzziness is still there, I feel 80%-90% better then I did this morning. I was so lethargic, slow and just low in energy even my mom asked me what's wrong. But some how being outside made a total difference, even when I felt like s**t despite being in the sunlight and fresh air. So maybe this is a cry to go outside more. I'll try to do that when I can when it's nice in the morning. If it can stop this fuzzy brain, airy fairy nonsense, I'm willing to spend more time walking around the neighborhood.
Lack of art
Last thing. My art. Once again, my willingness to do art has died in the face of all these issues. Not just that but I seriously have been totally off center when it comes to my inner artist. I'm so out of touch it's simply crazy how I let myself get this way. I can't complain too much since I have been dealing with a lot when I was being active, but I just want to get back drawing/being creative again. I want to create character's, stories, graphics and just so much. I'll get there though...
*sign* This summer isn't shaping up like the way I imagined it thus far. BUT I still have less then two months worth of summer left (once school starts summer is over to me but whatever lol). So I still have time to work on my goals!
Anyway, thank you all for reading and supporting me! I adore you all so much! Take care!
Hey everyone!
Wow I actually manage to put out another world post within a week! Congratulations to me haha! I actually wanted to talk about something that happened to me recently. I'm sure talking about it will help me process it more.
A Change In Dreams?
As everyone probably know by now, I LOVE making fake sweets and I always wanted a business in it, thus The Candy Sanctuary was born a few years ago. In fact it was my dream to make TCS into a big business, something that I could live off of while doing what I truly loved. I've spend years on trying to perfect my skills to make that happen and it's been a hard and tired road. But unfortunately that dream has been put to rest.
My dream, of having that big business, putting all that effort and time into it, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. It's not just that, but I wanted to travel around to conventions to sell my work, make miscellaneous items like cell phone charms, stationary, jewelry and the like to sell. I just don't feel that is my passion anymore, I can't see myself putting in so much of my life energy into it. Not to say that I don't enjoy those things or would never pursue in doing those things, but I can't find myself focusing my "core energies" in it.
This realization came to me about 2 weeks ago. I was on the computer like now when I thought about TCS and somehow, it didn't feel right. I just couldn't see myself doing it anymore. It shocked me but when I let those emotions flow, I knew that it didn't resonate with me anymore. I wanted to do something more, to help people. What that is however, I don't know yet, though I do have a bread crumb trail to follow. As of now, nonetheless, I don't have a "dream". Pretty ironic being that I'm such a huge supporter and emotional cheerleader for finding and following your dreams haha!
Since I decided to follow my own dream, I was lead to many things and even to overhaul my life a few months back, so maybe my dream fulfilled itself somehow in a way I didn't expect. I'm sure I wasn't meant to be what I thought I wanted to be, but to be something bigger and more appropriate for myself that is slowly unraveling in front of me at this moment.
As far as what I feel I want to do, all I can really say is I want to do something more humanitarian like. I want to help the world be a better place somehow, and I can't say that was my reasons for making TCS. I just wanted to support myself with something I loved and that was it, I could care or less about the world around me. Looking back, that was probably a more selfish dream then I wanted to admit to myself, but I grew a lot since then.
I think that through finding out more about myself while changing my life granted me more personal power and control over my life. Most of all, I learned that doing something out of pure love grants more wishes then doing something for purely material reasons.
I've been doing a lot of free readings lately for the sake of loving what I do and providing people something they find comfort in, and my business sky rocketed, I felt good about myself, and started to love doing things for the benefit of just doing them, than trying to sag a potential costumer. I also learned that the world has a strange way of providing all of your wants and needs when you start doing it yourself, from a place apart of competition, lack and selfishly wanting.
It feels nice to be in the "flow" of life than trying to fight for the smallest of things. Feeling like you have to trample the competition just to get what you want. When you start giving yourself to people, in a loving and pure way, you'll be shown the same. It will only brighten your life and increase the love you have for whatever you're doing, which in turn goes right back to the people/cause/world that you're serving, isn't that such a beautiful thing? :D
But yeah, I'm going to keep following my heart to wherever I'm needed and wanted so I can be the person I need and want to be, so I can share that with the world. :)
Take care, I'm sure to update this world again soon!
Hey everyone!
Long time no see huh? Well, I have tons of great updates for you all!
New World Order!
First you probably noticed the change of my world! I wanted to change it for a while. I loved my k-pop but it was simply too dark and simple for my over the top tastes haha! So when I had a chance today (about 2-3 days ago now lol) I did some photoshop magic on one of my favorite pictures. I absolutely loved how it came out! I also got the background at this awesome place. It made the change so much easier, the world background is always the hardest part! But yeah, a new world theme, something a bit more heavenly and calm. :D
Zenkaicon wrap up (Long post!)
As you all know I went to my home con, Zenkaicon, a few weeks back as a gopher op. Well the trip was pretty rad! I went with my friend Brandon, Jeremy and Jeremy's brother (forgot his name lol). The only thing was that I was feeling really low key (anti-social) so when it came to all the people and stuff, I was slightly annoyed. This was more on the second day. The first day was great, it just sucked sitting in a chair all day, I wanted to get up and take pictures and everything.
The best part of the con was of course the dealers room and the raves! I met up with SiSero again and talked to her. She is simply amazing and a great inspiration to all artists everywhere! It was great catching up with her again. It was really grounding because no sooner I walked inside the dealers room my head wanted to explode. It was simply too much going on for me. However, in the mass confusion I snagged a sweet Super Junior poster that I have yet to hang up, hell my bags are still in the living room as we speak LOL!
The first night's concert was so rad! I danced with the con goers and had such a great time. Then the rave started and OMG I can't tell you how much fun I had! We had our little dancing group and everything! I was showing off my belly dancing moves and even got up in the middle of the dancing circle! I can say that I probably feel the most free at the raves. It's like nothing in the world matters but the music and the good vibes that's spreading all around! After the first night of dancing omg I was so tired. From the waist down felt like the soggiest noodle ever. I could barely move, you could of mistake me for a drunk big time!
The second day was great but again, I was a lot more annoyed not with anyone but just the sensory overload thing. Which is funny because the nicest women came around the gofer's table and started to give everyone massages! She said that she tend to get hyper and energetic during anime conventions so she gives massages to get rid of the extra energy. She gave me one and it felt good, not to mention that I was quite sore from the Saturday night rave. She was super sweet and we had the same exact tripp pants on too!
Hmm, nothing else really happened but I was dying to buy something worth while and I couldn't' find anything that I liked enough to buy. I actually started to get depressed about it. It's like my tastes changed, I just didn't want to buy any useless items, which was probably a good thing anyway because after wards, on the forums, a con goer mentioned that almost all the anime goods providers had fake merchandise. So yeah.
WHAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF THOUGH was I brought some mochi and this awesome FF13 poster and that day the staff hauled it off while they started to clean up the con. I was so pissed, like genuinely pissed that lasted for days, something I haven't had in a while.
The con was only 2 days so it went rather fast. The day where we were suppose to help clean up (Sunday: breaking down the con) we woke up and were super slow on getting out of the hotel so we pretty much missed it. It was quite fun and I was glad that we missed it exactly haha! We went to watch The Avengers in 3D at the Imax movie theater. The movie was so awesome and omg I never found American actors so attractive before, I was quite surprised! Loki, Thor and Captain America was by far the cutest, I was stunned at their beauty hahaha!
The only thing was the theater was really cold so right in the middle of the movie I was falling asleep. That and the movie popcorn had a lot to be desired. Brandon tried to get hot popcorn but it was always luke warm which is disappointing. The prices were pretty ridiculous too, two medium drinks, large popcorn and the popcorn seasoning came up to $20 freaking dollars even! Like WTF, simple crap like that shouldn't be that expensive! But other then those things it was really fun, the 3D was so amazing. I always forget how much I love the movies! I should probably start going by myself as a treat!
Overall, the con weekend was such a blast! I actually recorded the whole trip with my camera in small intervals. Most of which is still at Brandon's, that and my pictures that I took. There were amazing cosplays there too!
A Booming Business!
My angel reading business have strangely blossomed this month! This month was the best month I ever did so far! It's so strange too because one Saturday after I stopped advertising my site for weeks, people just started pouring in. I have gotten 4 orders that day! It's been getting better since, people are actually starting to buy and I'm getting repeat customers that really love my readings! I also been getting lots of positive feedback too on my blog so that other people can see how well I do. It's just so amazing, this is something that I wanted for so long now, some real success! :D
That and my life changes have been going well! I've been breaking down some tough emotional walls and I've been doing a lot better as a result, I'm sure that contributed in my business success!
More Creativity
I've been drawing a lot more lately, some line arts and sketches. I have yet to post any of them. I am completely out of whack in my uploading habits honesty. Posting art hasn't been on the top of my list for a long time now even though I post here and there. I guess between me just not being creative and my perfectionist attitude, it's hard to really post anything and be "okay" with it.
My more finished stuff I'm fine with but since I've gotten more impatient then ever with my art, a lot of my works have been unfinished! I just have so many ideas that I can't stand to just sit and work on one picture at a time anymore. That and I have my other hobbies and such that do take up time.
BUT, I've been in this phrase before, and I recognize the pit falls of my creativity habits. I have to re-learn to have fun with my pictures, stop trying to be perfect, have patience and be more daring in my artistic pursuits! I had that state of mind before my life went to shit city where my art flourished! Once last summer came around it was all over. Now it's like I'm trying to find my artistic self again. It's not all bad though, that huge break gave me a lot of time to think about my art in relation to my life. Things can only get better from here! :D
Well, I'm going to end it here because this post is mega long! I actually had another important topic to talk about but I'll save it for later. I want to try to get into the habit of posting weekly again, but time escapes me all the time haha! We'll see like everything else haha!
Thank you everyone that read my long world post, wished me a happy birthday (May 14th) and supported me all throughout everything! :D Love you all! Take care!
