This will be an emotional and personal post so bear with me here...
A lot of changes have been happening to me lately. A lot of positive changes in fact! Since I started overhauling my life, things have gotten a lot better for me. I feel different, see things differently and just have a different outlook on life, at least a more enhanced one.
With all these changes do come with personal challenges, which I've been facing one by one on my own, but this one I have never saw coming.
Since I could remember, I was afraid to "stick out". It's kind of silly at first but I was instantly shy (and still am LOL) as a kid. I hated socializing with my peers because it was like being a piece of meat being thrown into a pack of wolves. I never really grew out of that but it got worst when I was in elementary school.
I have a deep voice, I sound different from most girls and what people might expect. I always had that kind of voice and I remember the bullshit I use to get for it.
In elementary school, I would say "anything" and for some reason it would instantly make me a target. I use to hate it and honestly, it would hurt me a lot. I didn't understand why my class mates would that to me and I honestly still don't understand now. It started around 1st grade so I'm 6 years old or something, but I still remember how much it hurt me. It made me not want to be apart of anything, I wanted to stay as unnoticeable as possible.
It also made me more nervous and shy around people. I was already a one of those "quiet" kids, but even when I wanted to speak up or do something I wouldn't do it to avoid any conflict.
I would never know how much it would effect me in my life. I'm to the point in life where I have to change. Become a better person, be more honest, real and finally grow into the person I know I am. But I'm so deathly afraid of "sticking out" I stop myself from doing that. I make excuses, hide from it or flat out deny it. I literally keep myself from being the best I can be.
I've been facing my inner demons for a few months now, but this is by far the hardest thing I have to face. I didn't even know that my bullied past had so much influence over me. I only mentioned the key theme here, but a lot happened that really hurt me and probably tainted my faith in people. But I have to forgive my past and let it go because it's not helping me grow anymore.
It made me a lot tougher at the expense of my emotional sensitivity, but honestly it just made me into a colder person. I didn't want to get too close to anyone and I expected deceit in someway from everyone. I didn't' trust people and with good reason. Being teased for the way you SOUND and just being who you are puts you in an awkward position. It makes you think that this world is full of nasty people, especially your peers since they are so quick to judge a person.
I wished so bad that maybe, I would be liked more in my past, looking back. I can't say what made me really stick out as a person but I know that being who I was, I had no reason to be picked on, hell no one does. But I have to let it go and finally move on. I carried the years of hurt and pain for way too long. To the point that I disconnected myself form it, where I don't like to think about or be brought back to that place emotionally. When I see all those bullying topics, I can't bear to watch because I get enraged.
I feel angry, sad and like I want to cry right now haha. I can't believe that I'm feeling these feelings again.
I don't know, I felt compelled to write this even though this topic is probably one of the most emotionally traumatic for me.
I guess I just want to show how much your past can hurt and how even though you might feel ingrained in it, you can change it. Because allowing this to come back to me, I can make things right. Where I don't have to feel like I'll be in deep shit because of who I am and I stick out somehow. I can be who I am fully in front of others and be okay. I won't replay that mental tape over and over again about how much those kids teased or disliked me for basically nothing.
I can be okay with myself and let myself be okay with myself. I will be no longer be at the mercy of the past that says nothing about who I really am. And that feels damn good if you ask me...
So yeah, I guess I'm taking the time out to type out my feelings as well as (once again) show you all how soft and squashy I am inside.
Oh yeah... I'm totally 23 years old right now (yet I feel like I'm still 12) gosh I seem so old compared to the general demographic here LOL.
Anyway, thank you all for listening if you did, you all deserve a cookie! :)
