Confessions of a tormented soul.

Why can't life or love or anything else that people need direction with have a compass? That would most definitely make things a whole lot easier. I'm not sure if I've become so stressed that I've stopped caring or what. Well, to be honest, I can never truly stop caring. No matter what negative thought I can convince myself of, there's always a part of me inside that causes me to care.
Sometimes, I feel like I wish I didn't care though. It's as though caring too much is actually my downfall. My heart stings with the pain of being forgotten, and yet cries out to my soul for the ability to forget.
I guess it can only be an ideal thought...wanting to forget the pain. The very thing that is inflicted into your heart, causing a clash with the mind. The soul becomes tormented, tossing and turning within my corpse.
You're becoming irresistible to me. So much to the point that I become agitated at how I carry on this situation. Danger lurks within. My heart and my head seem to have a constant power struggle. If you only knew somehow, my terrible problem with expressing all of me, maybe you'd understand. The tragedy of it all is that I can't even begin to describe the war that rages inside me. Things are only felt, and words can never rush out like water going downstream. Even tears I do my best to suppress. I swallow up my sadness, though it may choke at times. To me, that's better than having you see me cry. I don't wish for anyone to see me sad, because then that makes them sad.
I wish you happiness. I want you to be happy, regardless of if I get the privilege to be involved with your quest for happiness, or not. Being able to see you smile, and see your eyes light up, even if I'm not the one you're smiling or looking at, will be consoling enough. Your laughter will echo in my heart...possibly forever and always, though I may not be the one who you share that laughter with. I know I can't be selfish, especially when it comes to you. I'm still learning this though, and it seems to be a slow and purging process. I guess it's true what they say, love will be the life and the death of me.

The thoughts in between.

I can feel myself slowly inching away into unconsciousness...
Stay awake. Know the feeling.
Open your eyes. Recognize the emotion.
The light begins to swirl around me, causing everything to distort. The peaceful piano in the background offers me no help in my endeavor to stay awake.
"it's alright. Maybe just a simple nap...30 minutes or so?"
At the time, it didn't occur to me that I was using that as a form of justification...but I was exhausted from the past 2 weeks of lack of sleep...at that point, any place that offered any comfort was an invitation.
I suppose I fell asleep soundly, for I didn't wake up until 13 hours later...refreshed, and yet still sleepy. My body hasn't fully realized that I'm awake quite yet.
Maybe I can just use today as a means of catching up with life. I'm behind in half of my classes, with all those exams and such. Hopefully today will just be an easy-going day...and then school once again tomorrow. I honestly did not intend to miss...it's just that I never woke up...
Well, a friend of mine finally got the song lyrics that I wrote. Finally. She's been itching for them for quite some time now. While I was looking for the specific ones that she requested for, I found several other ones that I never followed through on...which means I know what to do whenever I get some spare time on my hands.

When we first met you caught me by surprise
Your awkward smile, your kind eyes.
Could fascination and curiosity
lead me to see?
What do you want from me?
I want to know
secretly, do you hate me?

I find that this post might give you at least one of the following thoughts: "rambling", "what on earth is she talking about?", "bad girl. Missing school", "a nap sounds really nice right now", "pie is yummy", etc.
That last one I put in there just for fun (hehe) but some food does indeed sound delicious.

Something was said.

If you want me to love you, please ask.
I'm not sure if that was the biggest hint that anyone could give me, but it's quite surprising, I suppose. In a way, it could be like how all things begin as, an idea. It's amazing at how things can unravel. God must have a sense of humor, seriously. I bet He's up in Heaven chuckling at the situational irony that has occurred. Maybe it's a good thing I wear my bangs and glasses, because hopefully that would've made my face appear less red, hopefully. It was quite sudden, and it left me dumbfounded. It's as though I was working on an art piece when I suddenly got a blast of inspiration to do something more with it. Then, once all is said and done, I step back to examine the work in progress and find myself astounded by the random muse that came to me.
I guess I'm still in that stage. The part where I question myself in an effort to make any sense of anything. I guess it's like learning to play a song. There are some parts that are easy and can be played well just by sight-reading; however, on the other hand, there are other sections that require practice after practice.
As you tread along, you could encounter obstacles, such as: key changes, naturals, sharps, flats, awkward chords, the list goes on and on. Maybe I've reached the point where there's an alteration to the tempo and key signature. The problem with that now is whether to proceed onward with rubato, or to stop and count it out note by note. I've been known to do both, and in a way this mirrors passion vs. practicality once again.
This seems a special case though, in which, I find myself not at all minding to proceed onward with rubato.
Thank you for asking. :)

Hands.

Why can't I reach out to you like how you reach out for me? You were able to tell me the words that I needed to hear most at that time, and it meant even more to me, knowing that those words came from you. I'm a silly, pathetic person. I long to reach out to you so much, even a simple glance at your face stimulates the tempo to grow. I want to listen to the sound of your voice and hear our hearts create euphony. I wish for the vibrations to never end. You were able to help me, and I feel as though I can't even return this simple favor.
Yes, I truly am silly. I can't help but feel the awkwardness from wanting to make you smile. It's as though I try to sing for you, so you will know, but the sound becomes muffled through velvet curtains.
Will you reach out for my hand, if I reach out for yours? I'm sorry if I don't say anything, it takes a while to recover my thoughts. Your potential is far greater than mine. I can't even pronounce correctly around you. >.<
Yes, call me a romantic, but I can't help but feel that a part of you hates me, but I, being the pathetic person that I am, just becomes intrigued by that. It's as though that portion of me, the realist, constantly reminds me of the potential negativity of it all as a method of bringing me back down to earth.
If you experience the exact same problems that I feel, just let me know. If you want me to love you, please ask. I'm such a clueless person. Lately, I've come to learn that admiration from afar usually only receives consolation. But how is anyone to know of what the other thinks if nothing is said? How can we be certain of how the other feels, if we question it as our own wishful thinking?
You are as conflicted as I am. Torn between passion and practicality; obligation and heart. We share the views of Catherine, from Wuthering Heights. What we feel in our hearts, and what we feel in our minds, are not the same.
I would love to say "Let's run away together."
but I fear that won't be right.
Instead, reach out and grab my hand
and I'll hold onto yours tight.
With you with me,
with I with you,
come close and I will follow.
Instead of running away forever
we must turn around and endure it together.

Play your song for me, please.

Focus. Left. Right. Breathe.
Lack of sleep really does no good to a person. It's finally the weekend, and my body picks now of all times to become an insomniac. Unfortunately, I think last night's insomnia was due to the fact that I had something on my mind. Or perhaps, someone. Actually, there were a few 'someones' that came to mind.
I just don't fully understand...what is it about you that I'm drawn to? Then again, what kind of a question is that? I could list so many things, and yet, ugh I don't know.
Inhale. Exhale. Open. Close.
The stress may have gotten to me...but someone has been tugging at my heartstrings once again. Strange. The strings have been played by two people, but I've come to prefer the way the second strums. Such accuracy, attention to detail, done in a way that is reminded of myself. A simple touch, a timeless encounter, which causes me to swell from within. There's significance behind the resonance of our memories that we share. The fact that we can create the same melody from our minds must imply something more. Could our meeting truly have been coincidence? All things happen for a reason. But, how impossible it seemed until it was finally done.
Same key, same chord structure, same time.
If only that could mean: same love, same feeling, same heart.
I am an imperfect instrument. With love comes regret. However, I yearn to not regret, and you, I wish not to forget. I feel I may always want you near me, or at least, close by. Even the thought of you causes these strings to vibrate in anticipation of being touched once again. I guess like any other instrument I long to be played, but the musician who I long for, may be another instrument.
Be gentle, tender, and express for me
the things that are not seen.
Don't turn away
I want the two of us to stay,
and once regret
will forget
Our love shall be clean.