- Created By stars go bye
My love has come back to me.
I'm still working on discovering myself. You must now that above all else, I love GOD. I have come to know that much, and HE is the best friend anyone could ever have. However, I have come to realize something else. Now I understand another connection as to why I love music. It is my escape. Whenever things start to crash around me, there's a song that is able to put me at ease. Why can't I ever find the true meaning as to why I feel this attachment to music? When I need to write about it, the writing sounds pretty good, but it's not exactly what I mean. Music gives hope, comfort, and can even make a person smile. Getting lost in a song is probably one of the best feelings in the world. It's like running away to a place that lies outside of time. It could be in the past, it could be what lies in the future, or it could even be a dream. The world around you ceases to exist, and for those few minutes, reality means nothing. I would love to share how I feel with other people and I want people to be touched in some sort of way through music. It's one of those rare things that just makes sense to me. As a person, I have the hardest time trying to express how I feel, I'm timid in my actions. My friends even pick on me, saying that I'm a "subtle flirt". Although, I do have a friend that says I "shamelessly flirt" from time to time...but the truth is, I didn't even realize that would be considered flirting. I always thought that when I like someone, wow, I don't even know. LoL Honestly, it's always different with every person.
Back to music. I can't even count all the many times where a melody has taken my breath away, or when I have been moved to tears. Music also has that ability to call memories back to mind. Have you ever noticed that violins have the ability to cry? Or that cellos can sing? I guess all instruments can sing, but it's most apparent in cellos. A bass can hum you to sleep. Pianos possess gentleness and guitars are tender. Drums? They are the heartbeat of music. All of them love, all of them can be happy, and even sad. Sound is a beautiful thing. It's an exhilarating feeling just being able to listen. Just like people, individually they are unique and beautiful, but when combined together they have the ability to create something amazing. Something so outstanding that their own individual beauty combines with one another, increasing it tenfold, inventing something that is strong enough to even touch a distant heart.
Missing You
I used to hate saying goodbye. When I was really little, I used to cry myself to sleep at night just at the thought of losing someone, anyone. I hated changes, I always wondered why things couldn't just stay the same.
My friends and I, as little munch-kins, we made a promise on someone's trampoline that we would never change, unless it was for the better, and that we'd still be the best of friends. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that changes are a part of life. Sometimes I think that if I could hold on and never let go, things will always remain as it always does. Unfortunately, no matter how much I wish that may be true at times, that's not the case. Changing can be good, it's a part of life. Even though it's scary, even though it could cause so much pain, no matter how terrifying or horrible it is, we can overcome it. Remember, God won't give us something that we can't handle. He gave all of this to us because he knew that it was time. He knew that we were ready, and He knew that we can handle it. Soon, all my friends and I will be going off to college. No matter how much we say that we'll keep in touch, I can't help but feel that I may never see some people again. Although, I do believe that when the time comes, our paths will cross once again. Plus, there's Facebook, and all of those other social networking sights that make keeping in touch a whole lot easier. As for those who are in another world now, I know they're in a much better place, because they're finally home. Even though I can't see them now, even though I fear that they are gone forever, I know that they're not. They're here, with me, in my heart.
I only have one semester left. I'm not saying that I'm not scared, because I am. However, I no longer dread the fact that time passes by. I've come to accept it. So far, I think I might like this semester...but I didn't realize how much I truly miss last semester. It's because of the people. No more crazy, bubbly conversations with everyone. No more familiarity and sense of security. At lunch now, I just sit down quietly, and that's it. I have no secure spot at the lunch table, and most of the people who made lunch fun for me are no longer there. I guess I can get used to it though, I can adapt, it's just that I miss it.
The great pretender.
Ok, I totally have writer's block...well, to a certain point. It's been ever since last night. I have this essay that I need to write for college, however, the topic is something that I really need to have "marinated in my mind" for awhile. Now it's today, and I've come up with close to nothing hehe :S So, I've decided to post on here for a little bit. Maybe I'll come up with something that will trigger some sort of writing inspiration and I'll be able to continue onward. Who knows?
Well, recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm the type of person who keeps his/her distance from people. It may not seem that way, but it's the truth. I discovered it after doing a bit of self-analyzing. It's just that I disguise it so well that sometimes I end up fooling myself. It's like telling a lie, and then you get so good at telling that lie over and over that you start to convince yourself that it really happened and you accept it as the truth...that is to say, until something comes along and triggers your true memories. Hmm...it's just like when you were little and you pretended to play house or something like that. I just remembered that I had come to this exact conclusion to myself a year or something ago. It's the title. I wrote a song with the exact same title. Huh, I wonder what it was this time that triggered the truth, wait, I think I know.
Well anyway, I found my diary after all. All that slight panic was really unnecessary since I found it in the trench that lies between my bed and bookshelf. Really, that area of my room is bottomless.
My uncle had sent me a video and I just saw it the other day. Honestly, it moved me so much and made me remember a lot of things that I tend to forget at times. Because of this, I need to always remember those special words. I was even inspired to pull out my Bible and started reading it again. I've been foolish. I've forgotten who it was that was truly in charge of my life. Well, in a way. You know how you say things and behind them it seems as if there's really no meaning because you haven't thought through to what those words really mean? Well, that's what it was like for me. I need to remember, I must. I have been wandering around so much, just trying to take in all of my surroundings, that I didn't realize that I was already lost. I guess by sending that video, my uncle didn't realize that GOD must've been using him to send me a life-line.
Usually, when I picture myself lost, I see myself drowning in the ocean, in the middle of a violent storm. This time though, it's different. I'm in the woods, and it smells like it's the end of spring going into summer. It's dark in some areas, but if I know where to look, there are specks of light from where the sun shines down and is able to escape though the canopy. It's quiet, but I can hear the distant sounds of animals. When you're out exploring, and then suddenly realize you're lost, you get this horrible feeling that you're completely alone and you don't know what to do. That feeling of complete separation, from your loved ones, from the world, from everything. Everything around that is beauty becomes the same and you feel as though you can't trust it. You begin to doubt yourself and fear that you may be going in circles and making no progress at all. Then, when you start to think that all hope is lost, someone is there, holding their hand out, reaching for yours.
Down and discouraged but fighting anyway
Okay, so I really don't know what I'm doing, and I'm still not sure as to the direction of my life...what's new hehe. All the colleges that I've applied to have accepted me. For awhile (and maybe still now) I had this conflict of passion vs. practicality. One of the colleges that I've been accepted to is in state, and I also already got accepted into their college of health professions as well. The other college that I've been accepted to, is out of state and private. However, they gave me a scholarship and I think I'd really enjoy it there. The other two colleges, one in state and another out, I went to go visit. The one in state was during some visitation day where we could witness being a music major for a day. I really liked it and got to attend classes and meet the professors and such. Unfortunately, I haven't sent in my application, and I'm not sure as to whether I should apply or not. The other out of state one, I absolutely absolutely loved the campus. It was so beautiful and I could totally see myself living there for awhile, unfortunately, the college didn't offer any of the majors I'm looking into (that is, unless I suddenly get some all-of-a-sudden strange aspiration to pursue physical therapy). But lately, I've decided to go to the out of state one with which I have applied to. For one, I think it would be better for me and benefit me...but why is this title down and discouraged, you ask? Well you see, I haven't exactly scheduled a visit day yet, we're still in that process. On top of that, even though I want to do music, I still haven't gotten a new voice teacher and on top of that I'm recovering from being sick and I'm still trying to revive my vocal cords. Also, the other option is to go for organ/piano. I thought this could work out because my background in piano is possibly more "professional" than that of voice. However, I'm not sure if I'll be fully able to bring about something together that will meet with the audition requirements. I thought I could, but now re-reading it, I'm not sure if "I got this". Tomorrow, I'm going to see my piano teacher tell her and hopefully we'll figure out some sort of solution (I'm praying) and then I'll contact the directors in charge of the music department from the college.
Even if I don't make the cut, I also reassured my parents (because there is a fee that you must pay in advance for room and board) that I'll just end up taking their courses in psychology/theology/philosophy or something. After all, that kind of stuff always intrigues me. :) I understand that if I'm not doing the right thing, GOD will tell me...but I need to make sure that I listen and that I'm open to the change. I must admit though, sometimes it's very difficult to figure out what's going on (because I mean really, I'm not even sure of what I'm doing). Well, that's my kinda-sorta plan. Typing this out and finally being able to put some thoughts to words has removed some of the stress, I guess.
I also need to figure out the whole thing with the dates of audition and when I'll visit because the first audition day conflicts with Snowball. When I told one of my friends that, she told my date and then the person who I consider as my best guy friend had a mini-panic attack. I reassured them that it'll be fine though...I hope. Basically, I really do just have to put it all in GOD's hands. Wow, I just realized how lengthy this is...but then again, I did say in the previous post that I'll go further next time. Haha 
Sores, aches, and some drugs
Tension...my body is having difficulty dealing with everything. I'm really glad we had a snow day today...I never realized how much energy it takes going to and being in school. I've been in this constant state of exhaustion. I'm sick, so the coughing and the fact that my drainage tends to clog my breathing passages tends to keep me up at night so I haven't really had consistent sleep. On top of that, I have three different medications that the doctor has prescribed for me. One of them I have to take every 6 hours...even though it causes drowsiness. I think I've spent almost this whole day sleeping, and yet I'm still exhausted. I can barely bring myself to type this post. I'm not even sure what to say. Sure, I may have had some sort of opinion, but now I can't seem to find those thoughts anymore. They've become locked up inside again. I'm just going to end it with that because I can't even bring myself to ramble let alone type. I'll go further next time.
