Tears of the Confused and Reassurance of Something More

Just so you know, this is going to be a potentially upsetting post, so if you continue to read this, you are warned. But then, I have some afterthoughts in the end. So this is basically a bi-polar post.

I know right. I'm already posting again so soon. It's amazing how fast things can change. I have decided that I have cried too much today already so maybe typing up my thoughts on here will put me at ease. And honestly probably make me cry more. Oh well. I will hopefully be ready to face everything again with less tears. I was just ready to burst at the seams. And well, I did, but covered it all up, hopefully.
I don't really know exactly how I've been lately. I'm really excited about car things being finished and the fact that I am on my way to having a part time job...except that I feel like I should be doing more with my life. I feel like I should be more productive, I should have a better income, I should be more social. I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can be the type of person who just sits still and do nothing. I'm honestly in this weird restless and at the same time lazy position where I'm just wasting away or something. I'm not entirely sure. I really do feel very confused about a lot of things though, even though I feel like I'm getting things, I definitely don't feel like I'm actually there.
What about kids, you say?
To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to have children yet, and honestly when I'm super down I wonder if I was even ready to be married yet if I'm not ready for that yet. I think adjusting is harder than I thought it was initially. And to be honest, I like kids, but they kinda make me nervous in a way. Well, thinking on the topic it does anyways. Also, the idea of me carrying a child inside me and raising it scares me. I definitely feel like I'm not ready to be a parent. Like do I even have mom skills? I have a bunch of other feelings on this too that are conflicting, but I've never really addressed that I'm scared and nervous until on here.
I think I am home sick.
Like, really really home sick. So homesick that when I was telling one of my best friends (who, by the way had an exam today and was still willing to do emergency girl time for me...this is why she makes the list of my inner sanctum) she pointed it out right away that I'm feeling jealous that my husband's family is so easily accessible to us.
I just need a serious angst party. Honestly, those are just parties of 1 but where can I even have that? The weather needs to be good again so I can run away lol I'm already working on a playlist
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^I made the first part of the post when I was really feeling low...like scraping the bottom and really confused low. After visiting this post again, I decided to keep it so I can remember what I felt like a few days ago. Things really do change so quickly lol I couldn't handle it anymore and after my sleepless night of existential crisis and homesickness and extreme confusion, I confronted my husband about the things after praying about it and giving myself some space by taking a walk for some fresh air alone in a beautiful park we recently discovered. God is so merciful and kind, I even got to pet a dog and the weather really cleared up while I was walking. I decided on a plan of action and then made an effort to be kinder because my husband probably has no idea how I'm actually doing. So later that night I decided to tell him what I had decided about whether or not I should go down to visit my family or not. There was a bit of an issue and then I had to explain more, even though I said I couldn't right now because I knew that if I told him then I would fall apart. But then, I ended up telling him everything and just sobbed quietly under a blanket because I hate people seeing me cry. And I ended up telling him everything because he wasn't getting where I was coming from so in order for him to understand, I decided to lay it all out there. It was hard but it turned out okay. The next day was actually one of the best days we've ever had in a while. Well, I really enjoyed it and I hope he did too. It looked like he did and he even said, so I'm trusting that :) I think I'm still not ready for kids yet, but I'm trying to be open minded. If I discover that I am, then I'll just put it in God's hands. If He leads me to it, He'll lead me through it, right? I go back and forth with that but in the end that's always the conclusion that I come to. So yeah, I'm definitely in a better place now. Everything is slowly falling into place and I just needed some time to figure out what's going inside of me and then talking it out with the human being on this earth who is closest to me. I'm glad we're on the same team. I'm so thankful.

That probably sounds like it doesn't make much sense. Basically I had some issues and missed what I was used to. Miles understood though, after a lot of talking since I'm the worst at explaining. I'm going to go visit but by my decision and rules. In addition to that I know that he is very kind and understanding, but I told him that I don't want him to think that we should be seeing his family less. It just means that I wanted to let him know where I was at with a lot of things. And that I was feeling jealous and a little bit left out. And a lot of things. But I didn't want him to feel bad, because that's the reason why I don't want to tell him things in the first place.

We're basically just two people who love the other person so much that it can lead to a failure of communication for fear of hurting the other person. But I guess that's most relationships. It's just so funny, sad, and ironic all at the same time...but I guess that's life.

We must continue living, but I'm willing to risk hardships on both sides in order to continue living together, even though that alone is hard.

We must continue living together, because we're a team.

Titles are acquired.

Well you see, I do this thing where I produce a mental image of me banging my head against a wall. Haha It's so silly, the things I imagine to suppress myself from really feeling what it is that I am feeling. For excuses for covering up my reasons. Tears swell up inside of me, threatening to spill over, but my dam built upon will power refuses that to happen. Good. Only, when I am finally alone, they still don't come. Confusion etches at me, and the real source of that is unknown, and that's what bothers me. My mom always tells me "The worst kind of cancer is the kind where you don't know where the origin is." Well, that's how I feel right now, which probably means I'm feeling lost. Lost. I can't quite see or tell which direction home is. I see all of these effects, but I have yet to figure out what the true cause is. I'm always so terrible at this. I pay attention to little details, but what I fail to do is pick up on the elephant standing in the hallway. Something I would notice is the colors of the ball he's standing on. I don't see how I operate like that, but I do. That's why one of my friend's always says that we complement each other because all she sees is the big picture, which is the very thing that I seriously fail at. Okay, so I know that I'm not good at that, but what makes matters worse is that it's so bad that I can't even figure out the true problem to all of my actions. I want to cry, but I just can't, and I can't even explain why I want to in the first place.
I want to just melt into a nothingness, just for awhile. Only for a moment, where no one can see me. Where no one can touch me. Where no one can break me. Despite that, I feel like I contribute to my own shattering. Collapsing into tiny shards so much so that I feel nothing. It's something I want and despise at the same time. I dislike myself when I am heartless, yet I dislike myself when I care too much. Either way, the pain is inescapable.
Such a fantastic dream. A dream of a dream. Everything seems so far out of reach. Phoenixes are truly amazing, being able to rise from the ashes like they do. This, is exactly what I must learn to do. I used to be so strong, being able to separate 'this' from 'that'. 'This,' was always my secret world, in my room, the conflicting and wandering thoughts of my soul. The things I suppress. Those I push back for a later time and just do my best to ignore until I'm finally alone, finally safe. 'That,' was always my world outside of these walls, outside of these posts, and outside of these words. What happened? Did I crack? It's time to bring out the duct tape and fix some things. I need to learn how to make things right again, bring it back to that weird stage or stability that I am used to. I can feel it coming.
I have to face it.
I must rise up from my own ashes.