- Created By stars go bye
Tears of the Confused and Reassurance of Something More
Just so you know, this is going to be a potentially upsetting post, so if you continue to read this, you are warned. But then, I have some afterthoughts in the end. So this is basically a bi-polar post.
I know right. I'm already posting again so soon. It's amazing how fast things can change. I have decided that I have cried too much today already so maybe typing up my thoughts on here will put me at ease. And honestly probably make me cry more. Oh well. I will hopefully be ready to face everything again with less tears. I was just ready to burst at the seams. And well, I did, but covered it all up, hopefully.
I don't really know exactly how I've been lately. I'm really excited about car things being finished and the fact that I am on my way to having a part time job...except that I feel like I should be doing more with my life. I feel like I should be more productive, I should have a better income, I should be more social. I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can be the type of person who just sits still and do nothing. I'm honestly in this weird restless and at the same time lazy position where I'm just wasting away or something. I'm not entirely sure. I really do feel very confused about a lot of things though, even though I feel like I'm getting things, I definitely don't feel like I'm actually there.
What about kids, you say?
To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to have children yet, and honestly when I'm super down I wonder if I was even ready to be married yet if I'm not ready for that yet. I think adjusting is harder than I thought it was initially. And to be honest, I like kids, but they kinda make me nervous in a way. Well, thinking on the topic it does anyways. Also, the idea of me carrying a child inside me and raising it scares me. I definitely feel like I'm not ready to be a parent. Like do I even have mom skills? I have a bunch of other feelings on this too that are conflicting, but I've never really addressed that I'm scared and nervous until on here.
I think I am home sick.
Like, really really home sick. So homesick that when I was telling one of my best friends (who, by the way had an exam today and was still willing to do emergency girl time for me...this is why she makes the list of my inner sanctum) she pointed it out right away that I'm feeling jealous that my husband's family is so easily accessible to us.
I just need a serious angst party. Honestly, those are just parties of 1 but where can I even have that? The weather needs to be good again so I can run away lol I'm already working on a playlist 
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^I made the first part of the post when I was really feeling low...like scraping the bottom and really confused low. After visiting this post again, I decided to keep it so I can remember what I felt like a few days ago. Things really do change so quickly lol I couldn't handle it anymore and after my sleepless night of existential crisis and homesickness and extreme confusion, I confronted my husband about the things after praying about it and giving myself some space by taking a walk for some fresh air alone in a beautiful park we recently discovered. God is so merciful and kind, I even got to pet a dog and the weather really cleared up while I was walking. I decided on a plan of action and then made an effort to be kinder because my husband probably has no idea how I'm actually doing. So later that night I decided to tell him what I had decided about whether or not I should go down to visit my family or not. There was a bit of an issue and then I had to explain more, even though I said I couldn't right now because I knew that if I told him then I would fall apart. But then, I ended up telling him everything and just sobbed quietly under a blanket because I hate people seeing me cry. And I ended up telling him everything because he wasn't getting where I was coming from so in order for him to understand, I decided to lay it all out there. It was hard but it turned out okay. The next day was actually one of the best days we've ever had in a while. Well, I really enjoyed it and I hope he did too. It looked like he did and he even said, so I'm trusting that :) I think I'm still not ready for kids yet, but I'm trying to be open minded. If I discover that I am, then I'll just put it in God's hands. If He leads me to it, He'll lead me through it, right? I go back and forth with that but in the end that's always the conclusion that I come to. So yeah, I'm definitely in a better place now. Everything is slowly falling into place and I just needed some time to figure out what's going inside of me and then talking it out with the human being on this earth who is closest to me. I'm glad we're on the same team. I'm so thankful. 
That probably sounds like it doesn't make much sense. Basically I had some issues and missed what I was used to. Miles understood though, after a lot of talking since I'm the worst at explaining. I'm going to go visit but by my decision and rules. In addition to that I know that he is very kind and understanding, but I told him that I don't want him to think that we should be seeing his family less. It just means that I wanted to let him know where I was at with a lot of things. And that I was feeling jealous and a little bit left out. And a lot of things. But I didn't want him to feel bad, because that's the reason why I don't want to tell him things in the first place.
We're basically just two people who love the other person so much that it can lead to a failure of communication for fear of hurting the other person. But I guess that's most relationships. It's just so funny, sad, and ironic all at the same time...but I guess that's life.
We must continue living, but I'm willing to risk hardships on both sides in order to continue living together, even though that alone is hard.
We must continue living together, because we're a team.
Obliviousness Ridiculousness
What am I doing? Am I overthinking this? Have you really liked me this long and I just never noticed because I am that ridiculously oblivious? What was that "something" that you needed to tell me?
All these years, have I just never picked up on it? Why does this make me feel bad for some reason? Is it true? Has my best guy friend from back home since forever liked me all these years? I wonder if he's actually tried telling me but I just never caught on. Some of my other friends would tease me, but I thought that was just because of how well we got along with each other. But you know, even if he told me back then, because of the state of my heart, I could have ended our friendship then and there. I would have rejected him, things between us would become awkward, and then we'd learn to move on and never talk to each other as much. Maybe all this time he really was thinking of us, in terms of our friendship. He didn't tell me in order to avoid all of that. We would still be best buddies, and we are. But personally, I never thought he liked me. In addition to this, I thought we just had a friendship that reflected that of siblings. We tease each other, look out for each other, and make a point to keep in touch. To be honest, because of how comfortable I am with him, I can just randomly jump on his back and demand for a piggy-back ride. (I really wish I could do that with my boyfriend, but I get so embarrassed... ^///^ )
If I were to compare the two, I actually have more in common when it comes to interests with my best guy friend from back home than with my boyfriend. I have a lot of things that I share with my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to interests it's pretty obvious that we vary in a lot of things. Growing up, my best guy friend and I had a lot of similar interests that we shared with each other. We're also both pretty much geeky dorks about the same stuff. We bonded over pokemon and all other anime, being otakus, joint cosplaying, funny youtube videos, shared the same humor, loved art and expressed that in so many forms. We were in clubs together, did projects together, and would hang out after school or church until our parents were already yelling at us to get in the car so we could all go home. I would get frustrated with him for beating all around the bush instead of giving a clear-cut answer, want to fight him after beating me in a video game, and argue with him whenever I think he's just being stupid. And after all this time, our old inside jokes never died. In fact, after all this time, we still do all of these things.
If I were to sit down and think about it, I care about him a lot. I would be sad if something happened to him or if our friendship ended or if he had to move very far away and I'd never get to see him again. But something that I've realized is that, what sets my boyfriend apart from everyone else is how I approach their happiness. With all of my close friends, both guys and girls, I just wish for them to be happy. I want to see them smiling, enjoying their lives, realizing that everything is worthwhile, and bringing them closer to their ultimate goal. I've heard that when you love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own happiness, so you would make them happy despite how you feel. That is actually how I feel about the people I love. We are called to love and I firmly believe that true love involves sacrifice. I love all of my friends and I want them to know that I care so much about them. But the thing is, I feel this way about my boyfriend as well, but what sets him apart is that I feel that I so desperately need to be a part of his happiness. I want to see all of my friends happy, but I don't have to be a part of that happiness. When it comes to Miles, I want him to be happy, but I want to be a part of that, because he makes me so happy. When I picture myself with someone, it's always him that comes into the picture, and when I try picturing myself with someone else, it just doesn't seem right and I get this twinge of disappointment. For some reason, I desire to be with him, and after all that we've been through and how we've grown together and the like, I would still pick him.
I'm pretty sure that my best guy friend from back home already realizes this too, because we've known each other ever since we were three. If that "something" that he needed to tell me was a confession, he's probably realized that it's better to just leave things as they are.
I do feel bad though, and I really want to apologize. I'm sorry that my heart wasn't ready all this time until it was too late. In my defense though, you dated other people so how was I supposed to know? Some other girls you never even told me about until I found out you broke up. I was going through my own troubles then too, and then in order to prevent further troubles, I did close off my heart. I'm sorry I never realized that you were there all this time.
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