Obliviousness Ridiculousness

What am I doing? Am I overthinking this? Have you really liked me this long and I just never noticed because I am that ridiculously oblivious? What was that "something" that you needed to tell me?

All these years, have I just never picked up on it? Why does this make me feel bad for some reason? Is it true? Has my best guy friend from back home since forever liked me all these years? I wonder if he's actually tried telling me but I just never caught on. Some of my other friends would tease me, but I thought that was just because of how well we got along with each other. But you know, even if he told me back then, because of the state of my heart, I could have ended our friendship then and there. I would have rejected him, things between us would become awkward, and then we'd learn to move on and never talk to each other as much. Maybe all this time he really was thinking of us, in terms of our friendship. He didn't tell me in order to avoid all of that. We would still be best buddies, and we are. But personally, I never thought he liked me. In addition to this, I thought we just had a friendship that reflected that of siblings. We tease each other, look out for each other, and make a point to keep in touch. To be honest, because of how comfortable I am with him, I can just randomly jump on his back and demand for a piggy-back ride. (I really wish I could do that with my boyfriend, but I get so embarrassed... ^///^ )

If I were to compare the two, I actually have more in common when it comes to interests with my best guy friend from back home than with my boyfriend. I have a lot of things that I share with my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to interests it's pretty obvious that we vary in a lot of things. Growing up, my best guy friend and I had a lot of similar interests that we shared with each other. We're also both pretty much geeky dorks about the same stuff. We bonded over pokemon and all other anime, being otakus, joint cosplaying, funny youtube videos, shared the same humor, loved art and expressed that in so many forms. We were in clubs together, did projects together, and would hang out after school or church until our parents were already yelling at us to get in the car so we could all go home. I would get frustrated with him for beating all around the bush instead of giving a clear-cut answer, want to fight him after beating me in a video game, and argue with him whenever I think he's just being stupid. And after all this time, our old inside jokes never died. In fact, after all this time, we still do all of these things.

If I were to sit down and think about it, I care about him a lot. I would be sad if something happened to him or if our friendship ended or if he had to move very far away and I'd never get to see him again. But something that I've realized is that, what sets my boyfriend apart from everyone else is how I approach their happiness. With all of my close friends, both guys and girls, I just wish for them to be happy. I want to see them smiling, enjoying their lives, realizing that everything is worthwhile, and bringing them closer to their ultimate goal. I've heard that when you love someone, their happiness is more important to you than your own happiness, so you would make them happy despite how you feel. That is actually how I feel about the people I love. We are called to love and I firmly believe that true love involves sacrifice. I love all of my friends and I want them to know that I care so much about them. But the thing is, I feel this way about my boyfriend as well, but what sets him apart is that I feel that I so desperately need to be a part of his happiness. I want to see all of my friends happy, but I don't have to be a part of that happiness. When it comes to Miles, I want him to be happy, but I want to be a part of that, because he makes me so happy. When I picture myself with someone, it's always him that comes into the picture, and when I try picturing myself with someone else, it just doesn't seem right and I get this twinge of disappointment. For some reason, I desire to be with him, and after all that we've been through and how we've grown together and the like, I would still pick him.

I'm pretty sure that my best guy friend from back home already realizes this too, because we've known each other ever since we were three. If that "something" that he needed to tell me was a confession, he's probably realized that it's better to just leave things as they are.

I do feel bad though, and I really want to apologize. I'm sorry that my heart wasn't ready all this time until it was too late. In my defense though, you dated other people so how was I supposed to know? Some other girls you never even told me about until I found out you broke up. I was going through my own troubles then too, and then in order to prevent further troubles, I did close off my heart. I'm sorry I never realized that you were there all this time.