What is going on inside my brain?

Hello! Today I am here just to mindlessly rant, honestly.

I'm still married, so no worries :P I got a part time job so I can do things but it's super flexible and I think that I'll like it a lot. I want to ease myself back into work but I definitely feel like it will be exciting to do it again.

It's funny because one of my goals for when we were married was for my now husband to eat and sleep consistently and well, but I didn't realize his goal for me was to finally be able to relax. I will admit, it's been so nice but also at the same time I feel like I haven't been contributing to anything aside from work around the house, which honestly isn't my forte aside from cooking.

Also, my car is almost FINALLY ready for me to drive around in!!! I've honestly missed it and also just having my own car to run around in, even if it's old it's still reliable :)

I'm feeling strangely productive and not at the same time these days lol but I guess that's okay for now. For some reason I keep having a sense of urgency but that may just be because my life has always been so hectic until now, who knows?

I need to register for CPR classes but I was told it would be payed for but online it says I need to pay $40 so I haven't done that yet and will call my supervisor later on and figure out what's going on, but for now, I'm just on here. The dishes also need to be washed, but I really don't want to do that either.

Hahahaha I guess you can say that I am procrastinating

I've recently gotten addicted to this kdrama, Doctors. If you like medical dramas, I highly recommend it! It's so good!!! Not only does it have actual issues you find in a drama (i.e. love triangles, people with traumatic pasts, etc) but it actually covers legitimate issues that are going on in the medical field right now. It also makes me wonder what I would have been like if I followed through and actually went into the medical field, but it also reminds me of what I didn't like about it too. Haha it's been interesting and surprising that I find myself incorporating aspects of it into my own life and past experiences. Sometimes kdramas cover issues that are things that I've actually had to deal with, such as always being told what to do from my parents and the pressure to live in their shadow and follow their footsteps.

Maybe it's because I'm married and moved away and everyone else is so busy back in my hometown, but Mom hasn't pressured me to go back to school to become a nurse or something anymore. Of course, I haven't told her that I would be working part time for a Recreational Center as a playroom attendant, but I'm sure that she'll take it worse than Dad haha Oh well. She likes to think of a new life plan for me every day. Well, it used to be like that anyways. I know both of them just want me to be stable and earning the big bucks, but I need to also discover who I am at the same time.

Ha, discovering myself. I'm convinced that is a life-long process. I have no idea who I am lol but I'm working on it. According to the Myers Briggs, I am an ENFP. And according to all of the funny things that I find on Pinterest and Tumblr about ENFPs, I can agree with them for the most part. It's funny. I learned in Psychology that they aren't meant to put you in a box, just to show what your natural tendencies are, but I can definitely tell that I have had some nurture and nature things that have influenced who I am today. I know that I am unique, but it's so funny seeing how relatable those things can be. I guess even though we're all unique, and I definitely take pride in being my own person and being unique, we as humans still crave community of some sort.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll be back again soon. Thanks for reading this, who ever you are. You're great!

What am I even doing?

Hello everyone!
So basically, if there was an award for the most inconsistent blogger ever, I would probably win that award. I want to welcome and thank anyone who ever comes across my blog. Shout out to my long-time readers, you guys probably hate me haha but thank you so much for sticking it out, you guys definitely deserve a gold star! Or, if no one actually reads these, that's fine too. If anyone is out there reading this though, I just want you know that I appreciate you very much :)

Current Mood: Honestly I'm a little sad and lost and confused. And I guess in all of that a little lonely, but with prayer and the support of my husband, I'm getting better, step by step.

So now, a bunch of updates plus details and hopefully I'll be able to tie it all in together this time around. Again, thank you for bearing with me. Especially with my incorrect tense forms and whatever else. Grammar police can just take me away now...

1. Well, I got married this past July!
This was probably the most stressful yet exciting thing ever. For anyone who ever gets engaged, based on my experience, in the beginning it will be complete bliss. Then, although you and your man may possibly have everything figured out or are working things out together, even if you're on the same wavelength there will be other people inquiring about your wedding who honestly most of them do have good intentions, but then they'll forcefully input their opinions or won't agree with what you're thinking or whatever. Even if you don't ask. These people could be random strangers, co-workers, friends, family, your own mother, etc. Then at the very end it could get a little bit stressful just tying some last ends and getting some last minute details together. But then, at the end of it all you realize that you are still getting married to this wonderful person and you've been able to put up with all of this crap other people have been throwing at you and you realize that he's worth it and then TA-DAAN! You're married. Then relief and even more bliss will follow. Honestly with my dad's health and everything else just made the prep work that much worse but it's September now and honestly I still have these moments of "Oh my goodness I am married to this man. I am his wife. THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!" After dating for nearly five years, I am so excited and thankful and everything.

2. I moved.
Completely new area. The places are barely familiar and only my husband and his family and a few friends from college who live at least 30 minutes away are what I recognize. When I say recognize I mean more than just that though, but I need another word and can't think of one aside from "familiar" haha
(recap: my husband and I were in a long distance relationship until we got married, then I moved to his area because I figured that he is the one with the stable job, a car that's actually his, and he has his own place and isn't living with his parents still. Where there I was, with a full time job as a librarian that unfortunately didn't get paid nearly as much. I had a car too, but it's twelve years old and my mom just passed it down so she could get a new car, but everything legally was still under her name. Plus, I was still living with my parents. Also, I'm from a small town, which definitely has its perks, but if he moved down here he would probably have a hard time with job hunting. Also, I think between the two of us, I'm the one who adjusts better to new things. So I decided to make the sacrifice, because I'm the more adventurous one. )

3. Basically, I am in the process of an extreme transition.
Well, new everything. Now that my husband is working again (he's a teacher and school is back in session...*sigh*) I'm kinda left home alone for 8 hours with nothing to do. Even though he teaches upstairs in his office (online teacher) I'm just everywhere else, by myself. I will admit, facing reality after the bliss of being married and then our honeymoon and then just the time before the school year not having to worry about work and just doing anything and everything at our own pace was so nice. And I mean SO NICE. It was almost a fairy tale. Especially after being in a long distance relationship for so long, I love just being around him all the time, because we finally have that opportunity. Just spending time with each other, finally no reservations, plus I'm an extrovert and my main love language is quality time so it didn't bother me at all. Also, this is going to sound extremely childish of me, but he becomes more grown up and mature whenever work comes back around again. He even told me that, which is funny because I've already noticed. I already noticed that when we were still in college and it was his senior year. At the time I remember thinking "so this is what's going to be like from here on." Funny how things go full-circle, right? I mean, he is older than me and stuff, but not by much and I don't feel that age gap. But at the same time personality wise he is just more responsible and mature than I am, so now that he's working again I kinda feel like that kid who lost her playmate. Also, since I know how busy work can get, I feel like that kid who is too shy and kinda discouraged to ask if their playmate wants to do anything because I don't want to inconvenience them. So yeah, it does all make me kinda lonely...

4. I am currently unemployed but my husband has a job so that's why I'm not living in a box...
It doesn't really stress me out...well, only slightly. I'm not exactly eager to start working, I just feel like I need to. My mom is the main provider for my family and for some reason our family is set up to where the men don't do as much as the women do. I guess we all have issues but especially our men, and most of those issues unfortunately can't be helped (like health reasons, psychological development and others' inability to cooperate properly, or just pure laziness). I was always running around taking care of my family while balancing job and then wedding planning that suddenly being in a situation where I could sit still at first was nice, but then I started to feel kinda guilty and pressured because my mom would continuously be asking me how job hunting was or if I decided that I wanted to go back to school. But then, my mother-in-law said I didn't need to be in a rush and even decide to just not work if I wanted to. Honestly that does sound kinda nice, but I have a student loan and I don't want all of the monetary stress to fall on my husband. I don't mind working and I even told him that although I really appreciate that he would be okay with that, I might actually get tired from staying at home all of the time. I mean, I'm an extrovert haha but for now I guess it's just nice being able to take my time...but then, I started to really struggle with feeling useless. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of updates from my family back home and it's so weird because I'm so used to being there to take care of everything and iron things out and be supportive by being there to do things. But, I'm not there, so I can only talk to people and give suggestions whenever I can instead of putting things into action. It's definitely been different. Also, with Miles going back to work and me just lounging around at home, I don't know, I just don't want to feel like I'm not helping or anything and lately I've been feeling like, well, that I'm honestly just "here" and that's it. Like, things have been going on and life is going on and the best I can do right now is just take up space or something. I mean like I said, I'm not eager to jump into a job, I just feel like I need to. The only problem is (well, maybe not the ONLY problem), I'm not used to thinking for myself. I have moved from a place where I just had to take whatever I could get, to a place where I can actually think about what I want to pursue, and that's really weird for me. I honestly don't know what I want, or what I like, and it makes me feel a little bit like I don't know who I am anymore.

5. I have no idea what I'm doing with anything.
But to be honest, after talking with my husband and having him reassure me, I definitely feel a lot better. He's honestly been doing so much for me and all that he can to make this transition as comfortable as it can me, and that's so nice :) I feel like I've been starting to fall in the depths of how I've been feeling that I haven't been noticing how hard he's been trying to me, for us. It really means so much to me that he's always looking out for me, and I feel so bad because I hadn't realized it.

Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I have to remember that for right now, it's okay. Things will definitely just be going up from here. :)

Until next time!