What is going on inside my brain?

Hello! Today I am here just to mindlessly rant, honestly.

I'm still married, so no worries :P I got a part time job so I can do things but it's super flexible and I think that I'll like it a lot. I want to ease myself back into work but I definitely feel like it will be exciting to do it again.

It's funny because one of my goals for when we were married was for my now husband to eat and sleep consistently and well, but I didn't realize his goal for me was to finally be able to relax. I will admit, it's been so nice but also at the same time I feel like I haven't been contributing to anything aside from work around the house, which honestly isn't my forte aside from cooking.

Also, my car is almost FINALLY ready for me to drive around in!!! I've honestly missed it and also just having my own car to run around in, even if it's old it's still reliable :)

I'm feeling strangely productive and not at the same time these days lol but I guess that's okay for now. For some reason I keep having a sense of urgency but that may just be because my life has always been so hectic until now, who knows?

I need to register for CPR classes but I was told it would be payed for but online it says I need to pay $40 so I haven't done that yet and will call my supervisor later on and figure out what's going on, but for now, I'm just on here. The dishes also need to be washed, but I really don't want to do that either.

Hahahaha I guess you can say that I am procrastinating

I've recently gotten addicted to this kdrama, Doctors. If you like medical dramas, I highly recommend it! It's so good!!! Not only does it have actual issues you find in a drama (i.e. love triangles, people with traumatic pasts, etc) but it actually covers legitimate issues that are going on in the medical field right now. It also makes me wonder what I would have been like if I followed through and actually went into the medical field, but it also reminds me of what I didn't like about it too. Haha it's been interesting and surprising that I find myself incorporating aspects of it into my own life and past experiences. Sometimes kdramas cover issues that are things that I've actually had to deal with, such as always being told what to do from my parents and the pressure to live in their shadow and follow their footsteps.

Maybe it's because I'm married and moved away and everyone else is so busy back in my hometown, but Mom hasn't pressured me to go back to school to become a nurse or something anymore. Of course, I haven't told her that I would be working part time for a Recreational Center as a playroom attendant, but I'm sure that she'll take it worse than Dad haha Oh well. She likes to think of a new life plan for me every day. Well, it used to be like that anyways. I know both of them just want me to be stable and earning the big bucks, but I need to also discover who I am at the same time.

Ha, discovering myself. I'm convinced that is a life-long process. I have no idea who I am lol but I'm working on it. According to the Myers Briggs, I am an ENFP. And according to all of the funny things that I find on Pinterest and Tumblr about ENFPs, I can agree with them for the most part. It's funny. I learned in Psychology that they aren't meant to put you in a box, just to show what your natural tendencies are, but I can definitely tell that I have had some nurture and nature things that have influenced who I am today. I know that I am unique, but it's so funny seeing how relatable those things can be. I guess even though we're all unique, and I definitely take pride in being my own person and being unique, we as humans still crave community of some sort.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll be back again soon. Thanks for reading this, who ever you are. You're great!

The Struggles of a Conflicted Mind

There are some times when I look at things, and I'm just completely stubborn about it. Should I persevere? Or are you saying that I should just give it up already? Sometimes I encounter things that seem like it's just a constant downhill battle. I survived, but I don't know if the outcome will help me carry over into the future. I made it through, but did I really accomplish what I came to do?
Inadequacy. Failure. Disappointment and frustration of self and the fear of facing those who expected so much more from me.
Am I being blind to the things that are right in front of me? Is this life's subtle way of rejection?
A part of me keeps telling me to hold on, that there's still hope, and that I can make it. But there's these little voices of doubt that take advantage of my imperfections and weaknesses that cause me to think "Is this all really worth it? You're not achieving like you have been before, why aren't you picking up on the fact that you're being told 'no'?"
I work and work and work, and yet the results aren't what I'm aiming for. They aren't close to my desired answer. The frustration with myself pools at the bottom of my stomach and in the corners of my mind. They grow and grow and I can feel them eating away at the hope that struggles to continue on. I don't like it. I don't like this feeling of deterioration, this feeling of gradually slipping into self-doubt and ultimately drowning in my failures. Drowning in what I could not be, in what I could not have. And then, once the waters of unfufillment will drain away, so shall my plan, my direction. I will become trapped in a pit of confusion once again desperate to climb out. The things that I would try so hard to prevent would finally become true to me and my eyes will become clouded with the dissatisfaction of what could have been.
...
Fight. Win. Live.
I somehow wake from my darkness and struggle to come back to the surface. It's so hard but I can see the light coming so close, even though I know it's still quite a distance. It's there at the top, it's still within reach. Hope has come again to burst forth and shine for me once again.

Okay...I was rereading this blog to see what I wrote and I have no idea where that last part came from...but it all just now happened in my mind...the thought of drowning, and then somehow waking up with a desired will to continue on. The things I see inside me are really surprising, because sometimes things develop that I didn't intend for or even anticipate. I like it though. It reminds me that I'm not the only one vouching for my life. Well, this was an interesting turn of events. :)
Have a blessed rest of the day.

What is this?

Is it strange that I feel like I'm becoming distant from one of the people whom I have considered to have been one of the closest and dearest people I know? We don't have any classes together, or lunch, anymore. We rarely see each other, and I'm starting to see her change in so many ways that doesn't seem like her at all, or at least, "the person I used to know." I've been blaming it on the drama, because in reality it is partly to blame, but I'm having problems trying to see past my feelings of betrayal, distance, and indifference towards how things are starting to go now. It's okay whenever we have a chance to say hi, but, I'm not sure if I know how to deal with this. I've had friends come and go. Some who were so close to my heart, that when they left, it left gigantic wounds that had to learn how to heal. It really doesn't feel the same, and I can sense that it's happening. I find myself beginning to stray away from things and getting much closer to other things. The some of the friends who I considered to be the closet are becoming far away, and the ones that were never as close, are closer now than ever. Is it because of our different pathways in life? This could be a possibility. It's just that my ESP is starting to sense something, like I can see clues or foreshadowing of something lying ahead...