I know she hopes I choke on this last drink,
Drop dead before my influence gets to her head,
She said, "I'll love you forever, or find something better,
It's all just the same as when we sleep together,
We wake up with headaches, and trouble remembering,
What went wrong."
September 14 2009
Time: 5:26PM
Music: The Party Scene - All Time Low
Mood: Content
So, today was a good day. I saw Maty! I haven't seen him in so long. For the first day, he went to Lincoln to try it out, but since it didn't work out, he came back! And he's in my class. That makes me happy :)
Kay, so. Today was also pretty awkward for me, anyways. See, we had to do this fire drill line practice in my homeroom. I was in front because my name starts with an A, then it was Alix, then Karla, and so on and so forth.
But Alix was like CRAZY close to me. Hardly even half a step away. And boy, did his breath smell good. And then he said something that only I could hear. No it was not "I wanna rape you," though I was hearing that in my head. He was super close. Like if I turned to face him, our chests would be touching close. That's pretty damn close.
See, he constantly teases me about something in french, so now, french class is officially my "favourite" class. But I actually had to lean back, he was that close. And he seemed totally okay with it. The closeness, I mean.
So, in the actual fire drill thing practice outside, he was still like dangerously close. So after talking to him for a bit, he went to the back and I started talking with Karla, and she actually thinks he likes me. Which is kinda awkward.
And Conner M. is always asking me about him. Like if I've seen him, or talked to him, or if he was at his locker. But it was the way he said it. Like he knew something. Kinda peculiar, if you ask me.
A couple nights ago I had a dream that some guy raped me, and I was crying at Drew's with Rebecca and Drew. And then I died after a piano fell on me. Kinda a weird dream.
Oh, Erin and Madison got into a huge fight/ And it's completely terrible because they're like really, really close. But now they're not friends. And it's not one of those "Oh, they'll make-up tomorrow" fights. It was one of those fights that just scream "Fuck off. I'm not talking to you."
Now, I have no experience with those types of fights. Because I've never gotten into one that big, but wow. I'm so fucking worried.
She's a super freak, super freak!
VIVA VIAGRA!
Who's seen that commercial? It's fucking orgasmic.
Not to mention, catchy. You gotta love penis enlargement commercials.
God, has anyone noticed that everybody's such a -- excuse my use of the word -- fag in grade six? I mean, even I was one. And it just pisses me off so much. And I have no idea why. It just does.
Kole's hilarious. I love him :]
I gotta go write.
Safe Sex &&Fast Beats
xo.xo.
Jess <3<3
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes,
Started making his way past two in the morning,
He hasn't been sober for days.
He sat up, once again trying to get rid of his dreams of her. He couldn't get the girl out of his head. Every corner he turned, everywhere he looked, everybody he saw, he saw her. What was she doing to him? He would always ask himself.
He willed himself out of bed and slipped on his shoes. He would go to the bar again, get drunk, and forget about her for another sleepless night. Her face kept popping up in his mind, her smile that he had adored so much, her beautiful blue eyes that hid nothing and everything at the same time.
She had told him she didn't believe in love, but he was too naive and wound up to believe her.
Leaning now into the breeze,
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees,
They had breakfast together,
But two eggs don't last,
Like the feeling of what he needs.
"Alexander Gaskarth!" she shrieked, when I had literally picked her up from work. I shifted her on my shoulder and she laughed as I carried her all the way to my car. "You know my boss will probably fire me, for this right? We haven't even been apart for five minutes," she laughed.
"That maybe true, but after I dropped you off, I saw this amazing little breakfast place and I knew I had to take you there," I told her, kissing her lightly on her nose before moving to climb into the driver's side.
"Again? One of these days, you're gonna be obese and I'm gonna force you to write your will," she told me, pulling off her most serious face.
"Please. I have a very high metabolism, I'll have you know. Besides, I refuse to have man boobs," I said, determined.
"And I have a job. That I should be doing. Get my drift?" she asked as we pulled into the small building's parking lot.
He took in a big gulp of his drink before setting it down again. This being his second bottle of beer. "Alex, you gotta slow down on the booze, man. You'll find her eventually," his friend Jack Barakat told him.
"You don't get it. You've never been this in love with a girl before. She's not coming back," he told him, dejectedly. "Her neighbors told me all I needed to hear. She moved and she wasn't even going to tell me." He frowned when he went to take another drink, but found his bottle was empty.
He got the bartender to give him another one, and popped the cap open. "You're being irrational, Alex. Just stop drinking, and we'll think logical," his other friend Zachary Merrick told him.
"No! No, thinking logical! Don't you see? This is hopeless!" Alex yelled. The bartender shot him a stern look, telling him to keep it down. The tipsy man wasn't in the least bit threatened. Over the past few days, he'd been kicked out of bar, after bar. All because of the woman he loved so much.
"It's not hopeless, Alex," Rian Dawson told him, taking the beer from him before he could take another drink, "You're just afraid that she might reject you. That she might've found somebody else."
Alex sighed, knowing that they were right.
-
[Juliet Simms:]
I'm not coming back,
(Forgive me)
I've done something so terrible,
I'm terrified to speak,
(I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me,
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just,
(You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind,
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now,
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head.
She closed her eyes tightly, trying to get rid of all the memories of him. His smile, his eyes, his everything. She pushed away all the images of him strapping her in his car, just to get ice cream or breakfast. She pushed away the images of him that night where she had offered him her everything.
She opened her eyes once again, to look out on the clouds, to see the blue skies, and all the ant sized buildings that were once so familiar to her. This was her last resort. She would leave Los Angeles, and leave him, too.
Moving from her old home did no good, so she would leave LA all together. She would leave all the people she had loved, and she would leave all the many memories buried in the back of her mind.
She fiddled with the large sunglasses that lay resting in her lap. She would move to Canada. Start a whole new life, new job, meet new people, and forget about him. Get rid of everything that reminded her of him. It all sounded easy, but she knew it was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever do.
She was terrified of the feelings that overwhelmed her whenever she saw him. She was terrified, because he had gotten what he had wanted all along. He had gotten her to love him, and that scared her to no end. She was incapable of love, she told herself. It was a phase, it'll pass, she repeated. But why was the small voice in her head telling her to go back for him?
She pushed the voice away, many times. There was no way she would go back for him. The cold words she told him before moving away. He wouldn't want her anymore. He would find another girl; a better girl, and he would move on. Leaving her to wonder about what could have been had she stayed.
She lay her head against the hard surface of the plane's window. This was not how she had pictured it to end. She had pictured it to be nothing more then a small fling. She didn't picture herself to be running from the only thing that had made her happy in such a long time. She didn't picture herself falling in love.
-
Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces,
He pleads though he tries,
But he's only denied,
Now he's dying to get inside.
He stumbled over his feet, tripping and falling to his knees in another drunken state. He pushed himself off the cement and looked up at the house that had once been occupied by her. He moved subconsciously towards the house and knocked.
His neighbors opened the door once again, only for him to be disappointed when he saw it wasn't her. It hadn't been her for days, why had he thought this time it might've been different? They didn't need to say anything, they just shook their heads and closed their door once again.
The neighbors said she moved away,
Funny how it rained all day,
I didn't think much of it then,
But it's starting to all make sense,
Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds,
Are following me in my desperate endeavor,
To find my whoever, wherever she may be.
He didn't feel the tears falling from his cheeks, he didn't feel the raindrops falling on his shoulders and head, he didn't feel his feet drag him home, and he didn't feel himself collapsing on his bed, passing out from all the alcohol he had consumed.
-
When he woke up in the morning, he squinted and held his head, sitting up. The light pouring in from his window churned his headache even more, and he grabbed the aspirin that lay on his bedside table, as usual. Zack would always leave the aspirin, Jack would always make sure to open the windows, and Rian would always leave the water.
He swallowed the aspirin and water, then got out of bed to change. Another dreamless night spent passed out from booze. He felt pathetic. He wasn't happy with himself, and he rest of the band all saw it. He no longer made jokes on stage, and he didn't put all his energy in singing anymore. Not since she left.
Why had he let himself get close to her? He asked himself, pulling on a t-shirt, and then a pair of black skinny jeans. Why hadn't he just let her go? It would've been so much more simple. He yanked on his black beanie and trudged out of his room.
Tonight he would play once again, then go out to another bar and again drown out his memories with alcohol.
-
After the concert he had made himself look like an idiot. Jumping off stage, just because he saw some girl that had resembled her, how could you do that, Alex? He asked himself. Of course it wasn't her. She wouldn't be seen here. She wouldn't want to be seen here. He was stupid, pathetic, and hopeless. Falling for a girl that he knew would never fall back.
When he made it back stage, Jack was waiting there, sweaty, but with a big grin on his face. "We have a surprise for you!" he exclaimed.
"I don't like surprises," Alex deadpanned. That was a lie, he -- in honesty -- loved surprises. Just not anymore.
"Nonsense. We all know you love surprises! Besides, this one is very, very, very special." Jack nudged him in the ribs with his elbow, the grin still on his face. Alex said nothing but followed him quietly somewhere. When he saw a girl turned with her back facing him, he frowned and looked at Jack.
"Is this your special surprise? Because I'm really not into prostitution," he told him.
Zack came over, with a roll of his eyes. "It's not a prostitute, Alex. It's the answer to your problems."
"I told you it wasn't hopeless!" Rian pipped up.
When the girl turned, Alex's breath got caught in his throat. There she was. With her big blue eyes that he had stared into many times before, her long, flowing black hair that he had ran his fingers through over and over again. Her button nose and thin, pink lips that he loved to kiss.
Even though she doesn't believe in love,
He's determined to call her bluff,
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut.
She was there. Standing right in front of him, and he wished with everything he had that this was far from one of his dreams.
"I love you, Alexander Gaskarth," she whispered, a soft smile on her face.
"I knew you were a bluff." Alex grinned before kissing the lips that he loved so much.
Funny.
It was even a Sunday.
-
So, this is my first attempt at a fan-fiction. Normally, I hate them. Unless they're really good. I actually found this fun to write. I didn't use all the lyrics, I just put some where they fit.
Yes, the song has a sad ending, but I just couldn't do that to Alex. I mean, have you seen him? Hot stuff, right there.
It's for Troublesum Shika's challenge. So, criticize it, love it, whatever. Just don't plagiarize it. Nobody likes a copy cat.
Happy Face ! :)
xo.xo
Jess <3<3
I took that photo!
Life’s a game but it’s not fair
I break the rules so I don’t care
So I keep doing my own thing
Walking tall against the rain
Victory’s within the mile
Almost there, don’t give up now
Only thing that’s on my mind
Is who gon’ run this town tonight
August 28 2009
Time: 3:52PM
Mood: Refreshed
Music: Run This Town - Jay-Z Ft. Rihanna and Kanye West
I can officially say I love that song.
Rihanna's crazy gorgeous.
Tomorrow's Becky's birthday! Btw, Beck, I sorta need to know the time. It'd help. A lot. Hint, hint.
I am bored.
Really bored.
Seriously bored.
My hair's nice today.
I know what class I'm in, finally. So far, I know Nevada, Becca, Lauren, Sydney, Alyssa, and Taylor Arm. are in my class. Drew's in a different class and I know Madison's in E2, so Erin probably is too. Along with Megan.
Not sure about anybody else. I should text Erin, just in case.
My brother thinks I might join a gang. He is terribly off. I can't even kill a bug. Forget about shanking somebody. Though, I can hit somebody. And I am a pretty violent person.
But, really, a gang? No.
Though, I'm probably gonna get drunk at every party I'm at. If they have alcoholic drinks. Speaking of which; Beck, you'll be my supervisor. So make sure I don't go and get myself pregnant. Or at least make sure I don't go off with any guy.
My brother's iPod broke. It can no longer sync and everything was lost. Kinda funny. To me anyways, not so much him.
I'm off.
Exploding Mentos &&Shooting Starbursts
xo.xo
Jess <3<3
Ain't it just a bitch?
What a pain, well, it's all a crying shame
What left to do but complain?
You better find someone to blame
August 23 2009
Time: 3:26PM
Mood: Peppy
Music: Get Over It - OK Go
Six days 'til Becky's birthday! Then I'm sleeping over!
I think I'm jinxed. Or God just needed some entertainment.
First; I rolled off my bed this morning, smacking my head against the hard wood floor. Painful, much?
Secondly; while I was half asleep I walked into my chair and stubbed my baby toe. Hurt like a bitch.
Thirdly; I gave up on trying to get to my bathroom, so I crawl back into bed and start playing The Sims 3 -- very good game, thank you -- and the game that I got the farthest in was gone. Gone!
Lastly; my keyboard is being a whore. No, it's not standing at a corner getting paid for keyboard sex. But I just like calling that. It's not working right. And my hair looks like a beast eating my head.
Well, it did. I just combed it and put it into little braid type things. I look pretty cute, if I do say so myself.
On the plus side; I was able to post a chapter for my story. Only thirty-four more chapters to rewrite. Fan-fucking-tastic, hey?
I love the band OK Go, now. Damian Kulash is my favourtie. Hopefully, I spelled his last name right. I probably didn't because I'm having one of my famous "stupid days".
I stayed up 'til five, then I fell asleep. I loved Idiana Jones movies. Wonderful stuff, right there.
Have you ever pants-ed a total stranger? I have, on a dare. Well, he wasn't a total stranger. He was an acquaintance. Sort of. He knew my name, I just didn't know his.
He had cute boxers. They had duckies on them.
Speaking of pantsing people; my brother's friend pants-ed my brother in front of me and Erin. We were sitting on the recliner chair, and then Chris R. comes up behind my brother and just BAM! Down goes his pants.
Funny shit.
Then he tried throwing the bible at me, but hit Erin instead considering we were sharing the chair and my brother aimed sucked duck but. Mm, even better.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna go.
Ponies &&Purple Cannibals
xo.xo
Jess <3<3
What a waste
Where did the time go?
Where did our minds go?
I don't know
What's this place?
Where did our home go?
We won't know
I don't know
August 18 2009
Time: 4:25PM
Mood: I don't know
Music: Too Much - All Time Low
I woke up to construction workers. It was constant banging. I actually gave them the finger and yelled numerous swears.
I think I also said I would stab them. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did. They woke me up, can you blame me? I'm no little miss sunshine when I just wake up. But really? It wasn't even 1:30 yet.
Anyways,
LET'S DO A QUIZ!
(CONDOMS!)
Basic:
Single or Taken:
Single
Sex:
Yes, please.
Oh, that sex.
Female.
Birthday:
February 7th
Sign:
Aquarius
Siblings:
Older brother
Eye color:
Murky brown
Shoe size:
9
Height:
5'6, or taller.
Country born:
Canada
Innie or Outie:
Innie!
What are you wearing right now:
A Burton shirt, my brother's old basketball shorts, and blue fuzzy slippers!
Where do you live:
Canada
Righty or lefty:
Righty
Any pets:
A cat
Where do you work?:
Nowhere.
Do you own a cell phone?:
Yeeeeeeeeah
Do you like to text?:
Yes. Too much.
Play an instrument?:
Nope
Have any Tattoos?:
Want some
Relationships:
Do you have a bf?:
No
Are you crushin' on someone?:
No
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
Depends
Believe in love at first sight?:
Not really
Ever been given an engagement ring?:
No
Do you want to get married?:
Sure
Favorites:
Favorite kind of pants:
Straight leg or skinny
Boys Name:
Aiden or Jake
Girls Name:
Rayne or Skye
Animal:
Lemme get back to you
Drink:
Voooooodka.
Actually, I don't know.
Sport:
To watch; football
To play; basketball
Fast-Food Place:
Not sure
Month:
February
Band:
At the moment; All Time Low
Movie:
Scary Movie
Breakfast:
I don't really eat breakfast.
Color:
Lime green
Food:
Dunno
Ice Cream?:
Cotton Candy or Rainbow!
Shoes:
Skate shoes
Place to relax:
In my room
Magazine:
I don't have a favourite.
Mostly because I don't read many.
Place to go on the weekends:
Becca's!
There's just something about that place.
And the fact that Becca's my own personal foot rest.
I love my toes!
Thing to wear to bed:
Shorts and a baggy t-shirts.
Or sweats and a baggy t-shirt.
Time to shower:
Night or Morning.
TV show:
CSI!
Season:
Summer or Spring
Holiday:
Don't really have one
Smell:
Lilacs and my conditioner!
Book:
Rescue Me
Cereal:
Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
Have You Ever:
Given anyone a bath:
Yeah
Smoked:
Not that I know of.
Bungee Jumped:
Want to
Made yourself throw-up:
Yeah.
I ate something that I wasn't supposed to
Gone skinny dipping:
Wouldn't you like to know
Put your tongue on a frozen pole:
It wasn't a pole.
Broken a bone:
Yep
Played truth or dare:
Too many times
Been in a physical fight:
Yeah
Been in a police car:
My friend's dad's police car.
I felt like a fugitive.
Come close to dying:
I don't think so
Been in a sauna:
Nope
Been in a hot tub:
Oh yeah
Fallen asleep in school:
It was social studies.
Ran away:
Yeah.
My mother glued my window shut.
Broken someone's heart:
I don't think so
Cried when someone died:
Yes.
I cried for weeks after my great-grandpapi died.
Flashed someone:
Maaaaaaaybe.
Cried in school:
Yeah.
It was a very frustrating month.
Fell off your chair:
Lmao.
I just remembered what happened with Drew.
And, yes I have.
It was Brenden's and Christian's fault.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call:
Nope.
Unless it was crazy important.
Saved MSN conversations:
No
Saved e-mails:
No
Made out with just a friend:
It wasn't full blown making out.
Used someone:
I don't think so
Been cheated on?:
No
Done something you regret?:
Yes.
Who hasn't?
Stolen Anything:
It was a lollipop.
A huge ass one too.
At least to my 4 year old self it was.
Been drunk before noon:
I'm not even awake before noon.
Had sex in a public place:
Fuck yes ;)
Got caught telling a lie:
No.
I'm just that good.
Got a speeding ticket?:
I don't even have a car.
Littered?:
Yeah
Fantasized about a co-worker?:
I don't go to work.
Therefore; no co-workers to fantasize about.
Cheated on a test:
It was grade three and I forgot what a hexagon was.
Cheated in a relationship?:
No
Failed a class?:
Almost
Screened your phone calls?:
What?
Eaten food off the floor?:
Two second rule
Cried during a movie:
Yes.
It was sad, I'll have you know
Had a one night stand:
Hell yeah ;)
What is:
Stupidest thing you have ever done:
Eating that flower.
Ugh.
What's your room like:
I'll get back to you.
Last thing you said:
Motherfucking fuck face.
What is beside you:
My dresser.
What shampoo do you use:
Bed Head; Control Freak
Something that has happened to you this year:
Pulled an all nighter
Worst thing that has happened to you this year:
Fracturing my wrist
Your skin tone?:
Naturally tan
The first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word Blue?:
Donkey!
At least this time.
Today's date:
August 18th
What is the best grade you've ever gotten on an essay:
Don't know.
Misc:
Would you eat a live hamster for $1,000,000?:
I'd sleep with a guy for that much.
But I wouldn't eat a hamster.
So, -- as Becca so nicely put it -- I'm a smart whore.
Do you admire anyone?:
Yeah
Who is the last person that called you:
Drew
What makes you laugh the most:
My brother talking about my hair
Do you wear contacts or glasses?:
Both but I need new contacts.
Do you get along with your family:
At times.
Do you have piercings below the waist:
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Have you stolen anything over $30?:
No
Want to have children?:
Okay
Do you like mornings?:
I normally don't wake up in the morning.
More likely the afternoon.
Unless somebody calls me or texts me.
Drew, Nevada
Do you enjoy seafood?:
Only fish
What are you listening to right now:
It says at the top
What makes you happy:
My friends, and my cat, and my hair, and alcohol, and other stuff.
Hot animal sex
What did you do yesterday:
I hung out with Becca for most of the day, then went to the movies with her and Drew and shared a large Coke.
Got any awards:
Yeah
Do you want to get married:
Didn't you already ask that?
Good Singer:
I've been told.
Have a lava lamp:
I used to.
How many remote controls are in your house:
Over 15.
Are you double jointed:
Yeah
What do you dream about:
Last night I dreamed Becca was a duck!
Quack, quack!
Last time you showered:
Yesterday.
The last movie you saw at the theatres:
Public Enemies
Scary or happy movies:
SCARY, SCARY, SCARY!
Root beer or Dr. Pepper:
I don't like either
But if I really had to choose, Dr. Pepper
Mud or Jell-O wrestling:
Jello, all the way
Vanilla or chocolate:
Both
Skiing or Boarding:
Doesn't matter
Summer or winter:
Summer
Silver or Gold:
Either
Diamond or pearl:
Diamond.
So shiny
Sunset or Sunrise:
Both are really pretty.
Sprite or 7up:
I don't know the difference
Orange juice or apple juice:
BOTH!
Cats or dogs:
Don't make me choose.
Coffee or tea:
Coffee, no doubt.
I hate tea.
Phone or in person:
In person; if it's that important.
But phone if it's not.
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child:
Youngest
Indoor or Outdoor:
Outdoor
Describe Yourself In One Word:
Different
Dream job:
I wanna be a pediatrician or an author.
Or a freelance writer.
Where are you right now?:
In my room, when I'm done this I'm gonna shower.
Where would you rather be?:
With my friends.
Famous person you'd like to meet:
Actually I wanna meet four.
All Time Low.
Place to visit before you die:
An exotic place.
Have You...
Had the Chicken pox:
Yup.
Ever gotten a scar:
Too many
Had a broken nose:
Nope
Had your tonsils removed?
Nope
Had ice cream in the morning:
Drew and I ate a whole bucket one morning.
My brother was pissed.
Had to give the Heimlich:
Nope
Given a hickey?:
That's confidential.
Dated your good friend/best friend?:
Yes
Sung in the shower?:
All the time.
Loudly, may I add.
Spit in someone's drink?:
Yes =)
Dumped someone?:
Yeah
Opened your Christmas presents early?:
Nope
Peed outside?:
Haha, I just remembered an incident with my brother and my mom's garden.
That must've been some fertilizer.
Played a computer game for more than 5 hours?:
No.
Ran through the sprinklers naked?:
Nope.
Ate food that fell on the floor?:
Like I said before; two second rule.
Went outside naked?:
I was three.
Made out with your best friends bf?:
I don't think so.
Mooned somebody?:
With my pants on.
Been on stage?:
Yeah
Made someone cry?:
Yeah.
I'm a bitch =)
Been in a parade?:
No
Been in a school play?:
Yeah
Drank beer?:
Yeah.
It was disgusting.
But I'll do it again just to get drunk off my ass.
Gotten detention?:
Yeah
Been on a plane?:
Yeah
Been on a cruise?:
Yeah
Broken into a house?:
It wasn't technically breaking in.
I stole the key and then walked in.
Gotten a tattoo?:
No
Gotten piercings?:
Yeah.
I still have yet to get my nose pierced.
Cried so hard you threw up?:
I cried while throwing up.
Gotten into a shouting match?:
Yes.
I am happy to say I won.
I made it so awkward for them, they had to give up.
Been skinny dipping?:
No
Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?:
The carpet looked sweet.
Laughed so hard it hurt?:
So many times.
Tripped on your own feet?:
Yes. I've tripped on air, too.
Cried yourself to sleep?:
Yeah.
Cried in public?:
Yeah
Thrown up in public?:
No
Lied to your parents?:
Oh, so many times.
Skipped class?:
Part of it.
Slept in class?:
Yup.
And that's the end of the quiz.
You've learned some shit.
Embrace it.
Jess <3<3
