Hey everyone! Just more little under 10 minute ramblings here.
BTW, I'm still in shelter but things are going really well, a lot of housing related things are coming up for me so I'm very positive that I will have my own place very soon! I've been working my ASS off on this so I'm happy to see a lot of my hard work finally paying off.
For just about as long as I've been posting my art online and been in the anime art community, I've been obsessed with (like many of my artist peers) with success, being popular. In fact, as I stated so many times over the years, my self esteem and confidence in my art has been really low more times than not and I've been trying to elevate that problem with bettering my skills via working harder. Long story short, even though I have bettered my skill over the years through that work, I still (even now) feel, keeping it simple, not that great about "myself as an artist."
And when it comes down to it, I can either, continue thinking and doing the same very thing or decide to change gears. I REALLY REALLY want to change gears, and all the cleansing I've been doing concerning other people's problems, getting my own life together and been looking at my own growth and what I want to do in my life, I want to be the artist I've always been. Not the one that I "wanted to be" or thought I should be, or the artist that other people liked. I just want to be true to myself, and I'm an artist and I do the arts.
None of which has anything to do with how other people perceive or think of me or my work. Which is the very reason for my plight in my purpose in life, which is fucking draining as shit. But with all the healing and piecing myself together that I'm doing, I feel that it's time to truly heal "this" part of my life too. And simply go where the feel good is, and when I just let myself do what it is that I love to do naturally, it feels really fucking good.
Now actually getting into the swing of things of sitting and DOING THE ART, that's another story but you get the point. I got 2 mintues on this computer, talk to you all soon!
Just rambling on about art, being an artist and other shizzzz...
Since everything that happened 4 months ago, art is probably one of the hardest yet most desired things I want to put my time and focus on. However, I can't seem to get out of this chronic rut, or this really slow sluggish feeling of it becoming my thing. I pushed it out of my life onto the back burner in hopes that I can rescue my family from their own bullshit, and I paid a heavy price for it because they are still alcoholics with issues that I could never fix.
I'm honestly very resentful to them still in that aspect (and probably more) because drawing and art WAS MY THANG. I loved it and put a lot of time and energy in it, and I know that my path to "success" (which I feel I never achieved on any scale to be honest) was very much forge in struggle and trying to be someone I'm not, but I can't help but to desire that again. To be so ingrained in my art, to improve and to feel like "this is my thing and I'm going to work it even if it kills me," I had serious grit. But now...NNOOWWWW, it's like I'm afraid to hold the damn pencil because I feel so disconnected to it and myself as an artist, and god I'm looking at all these amazing artists and feeling like shit because I haven't drew all that consistently in YEARS. I'm thinking "what if I didn't stop drawing as much, I would be much better" and all this extra stuff that doesn't even matter. It makes me so angry... SO angry, pissed even.
I guess I'm still feeling anger towards myself for not drawing as much as I would of liked, and even though I've been working on it (my art not my anger) for the last year or two seriously, I feel so lost at it. Like seriously, and it hurts like hell. Should I be the kawaii, everything is big eyed and adorable artist, or go towards something more action/adventure/hard core that I've been really wanting to do. OR should I blend the two or do mostly fan art, but what about my niche? I have to be consistent, and what about my old fans from like the Jurassic that loved my Tokyo Mew Mew stuff and the shit is just crazy... So crazy.
I even tried to make a business out of my art and I just couldn't bring myself to do it... Not that my art was an issue or a problem, but I just don't know what I'm doing as an artist. I'm trying to look for a higher purpose with it and I can't find it. I'm not even sure if that's what I want or need, but I feel like I'm not good enough being where I am or doing what I'm doing as far as art. And I'm so angry and hurt over that, I don't know what to do or where to go from here... I honestly don't
I'm sitting here waiting from some magic experience to happen so that I can really "get on the ball" but it never happens and I know that it's not up to anyone else but me, but I'm honestly feeling very down about it. I'm having a tough time feeling that I'm even deserving of being an artist because I pretty much stopped for way longer than I should...
Yeah, I haven't been around for a really long time and there is a reason for that. I'm not able to get into the super deep details about it all but long story short I'm currently in a homeless shelter. I've been there for about 4 months after my sister kicked me out in a drunken rage.
Quite frankly, I was ready to go, and was the best decision I've made so I took so my tablet and other important tech (except my computer) over Brandon's house. Thus the reason why you probably haven't heard from me for a WAY longer time than usual.
However though, I'm happy not to be living with my family in the dysfunction and transitioning to living on my own, finally. Me and my family are on good terms now though which is nice (because consistency right???), but I could never live with them again.
Since coming to the shelter, things have been getting a lot better and I'm becoming a much more independent person as I wanted to be. A lot is happening mostly good, nothing really bad but me stressing the fuck out over everything and my "what's the worst that can happen" mental game.
Right now, my main focus is to get into some type of art program so I can get back to drawing and creating, as well as some other things.
Honestly, my emotions are a bit everywhere today, and I just feel like throwing something expensive, stomping my feet and crying it all out (yay emotions) but I've been feeling better as the day goes on. I'm just tired of the constant struggle of trying to make things work and trying to do everything right when I know that isn't how life works. That I shouldn't strive for perfection or do everything at once. I just have this mentality (that I'm working on) that if I can "fix" this (or whatever) issue or problem then I'll never be stressed or emotionally strained again. And again, life doesn't work that way but growing up the way I did (utter chaos) I'm constantly seeking solid ground and feeling safe... No matter what the cost. Even if it doesn't make sense or never really worked in the past. The thought that I'll finally have that safety keeps me going even if my body is screaming "Hey, maybe you should slow the hell down before you have another burn out" and I'm like "Fuck you, we're almost there THEN we can chill out."
But again... Well, you see the insanity in this.
I go two minutes left on the library computer, see you guys later LOL!
As the title suggests I made a fan mew after like a million years for V-day. I'm trying to get into the habit in drawing seasonal/holiday pictures. It use to be one of my favorite things to do and so now I'm trying to pick it back up.
With that being said, I was super inspired while browsing DA seeing all the fan mews. I don't know what it is but creating fan mews is one of my top favorite things to draw. Even after like, what... almost 6 years of having my Mew Mew kick slowly died off, I still find it so relaxing to draw. Honestly, it's probably one of the few things I can cox myself into drawing again if I'm running dry or need to pick it back up. So many good memories linked to it I guess and the simplicity of it.
ANYWAY, this is Mew Mocha, or Chocolate Strawberry, or just Chocolate or whatever lol. I made her a wand vs. those instrument theme weapons, though I'll probably change it around since it's a bit clunky and I hate the TMM heart wing design that all the weapons have, it's annoying a fuck to draw lol.
I'm thinking of making a set of super cute themed mews, hell I might just overhaul my "sweets collection" team, because its old and a mess lol.
I probably need to make a totally different world where I post my WIPs (I just made one for my pixel art Orz) but here is a sketch that I made last night. It's my nightmarenin persona in the NID universe.
I can't remember exactly how nightmarenins work but they do have some type of theme to them so I’m the nightmarenin of good dreams and positivity. I have a very childish personality so I went for the sweet, baby doll look. I know I wanted the eyes to be expressive since I’m all about fun and positivity and wanted eyes to express that. I’m not sure what the color choices will be but I know I want asymmetrical patterns and colors to match again the fun and free spirited theme.