okay so it has been quite a while!
we haven't really spoken in months so I must fill you in on all that has happened. or....maybe thats tooooo much
I'll simply fill you in on my summer.
Alright. *deep breath*
the summer started and I hung out with my new friend D who I haven't gotten close to until this year. My mom has been home all the time. I definetly started to feel a little over crowded having her here all the time. Don't we all when our parent's like spending so much time with you. It was truly something totally difficult to get passed. I did though because in the end it's my mom and my step dad so why would I push them far away when they need me?
My love life. I'm not really sure what in the world is going on. It's not me anymore...I feel slightly changed. It feels completely awkward. I usually have someone in mind, someone in heart, someone in my path. I dont have it at the moment. I dont think I like anyone! *gasp* Yeah those words just came out of my mouth. That's the awkward part. I think that the reason I'm constantly jumping from crush to crush is because I dont want to have this awkward empty feeling of not liking anyone. That makes me sound terrible..yeah izioy is the girl that likes to say she likes all these guys when in truth she only needs them to fill a void....THAT'S SO CREEPY!
Like lets take the situation of the fact there was a boy who liked me, I liked him back ..as a friend..a very dear friend, but I never fully came to a conclusion of liking him as more, so then I just decided I believe I do. It wasn't certain or anything but I was really hoping that I did. Then he tells me that he just likes someone else more (his current girlfriend). But I felt terribly crushed yet truthfully I just completely knew that my feelings for him were never truly more than friendship.
>.<
So now, looking on everything I've realized how pathetic it has been for me to crush and be crushed. this all in truth = I've never truly been heartbroken.
*GASP*
I dont know how it is I've decided that this is everything but it clearly is the complete truth.
I love being a romantic. Telling people to fall in love. Wishing I'd fall in love. Always retreating from a fight to let the other girl win, if anything I'll give her the short cut. I am in love with the IDEA of LOVE. It's specialness, the fact others can attain it. All I want is that LOVE not the person in front of me not anything. Just love.
*sigh*
That is the patheticness. To top things as well I'm vain.
Merely about myself. I'm happy with the person I am just not with the body I have. I hate people who complain about their body but dont do anything about it. I'm complaining so I'm on a diet.
FOR REAL.
This diet is insane. I have a pure craving for everything in the house but I cant have it. I have to wait. I have to be exact with everything. I love it. Yes this insane crazy diet that forces me to schedule my eating and how much. That diet I love it!! 10 lbs three days = AWSOME.
GRR RANTING TIME:
I hate putting limits on myself
I hate having people doubt me or worry.
It isn't a thing of being too proud...more like something where you have a goal set and you go to it.
I'm not an extremist I'm not going to be someone who starves themselves or does unhealthy things to reach a point.
I simply want to do every good thing I can to get there. Only God can tell me if I'm healthy or not and no other person can place themselves to judge me. I know this and I hate it when people try to stop you from doing something for yourself. It affects no one else but yet they try stoping you. I'm sorry but only I can decide things for myself and what's the point of throwing negative thoughts at a person trying to persue a dream?
When I mentioned losing an extreme amount of weight everyone threw the idea of me doing something unhealthy to get there. NO no no no no no no no no no no.
That's all I have to say. NO. I make my own decision. I'm a person with good logic. I wouldn't starve myself. I wouldn't over work myself. I wouldn't do anything bad or unhealthy to reach my goal. But yet the response to that was "it's the only way you'll get there". NO. NO. NO. NO.
Do not be foolish. I do what I want I'll get there a different way. There is never a "it's the only way" that's a lie. There are always other ways. ALWAYS.
Just like Sailor Moon saved Hatori, went in after Sailor Saturn and made it back. Always there is another way. Nothing is ever set in stone. Nothing can stop you unless you believe it can.
Those were my most recent feelings.
