Please do not be shy.
- Created By Estheryuki
Glimpse
At the library, a child smiled at me. I felt bad that I was looking so glum.
At school I met a girl in the bathroom I thought kinda bad about yesterday.
She was crying because her boyfriend broke up with her.
I gave her a stranger's hug. It made my heart grow a .001 size. or maybe moar. :')
Some glimpses into my mind. I come off as emotionally deprived. haha. Zack is NOT from FF7 even though I love Zack Fair and my future spouse should be his reincarnated form in human skin :]
My head doesn't make sense and I had to get this on paper. This post may disappear later. IDK I don't like revealing thoughts :D
A child’s smile
Full of innocence
Of bliss ignorance of the world
that suffocates and chokes
a flicker of joy
a sharp slap to narcissism
a mend to the bridge of connection
long broken
by men broken themselves
Funeral
Today he left
Yesterday he stalked
Smoldered and grew
Within a depressed soul I called mine
Today he was buried
Yesterday he was alive
Controlling the head I called mine
being held by the string above his own head
Tomorrow is the question
Tomorrow he won’t be back
What a nightmare he was
What a comfort he was
Such poisoned paradise
Lost in the depths
The mind of a child
Grown too old to dream
Tears
Tears come and go
Splash. They wash away the vermin
Black gives way to white
White gives way to nothingness
Nothingness gives way to numbness
Splatter. Clash. Swoosh
They come and go
Their marks invisible
Only the heart that sheds it
Knows where the path
Starts and ends.
Grow Up
Reality slapped me yesterday
Reality woke me yesterday
She brought me to tears
Recited to me my own fears
Fed me cowardice
Clothed me in hatred
Injected into these veins the drugs of bitterness
She said nothing
I understood what she meant
“Grow Up”
No place for tears
No place for ignorance and bliss
Longing and continuing an unfruitful affair with the past
The world around me is a cage
“Grow Up”
The shadows said them to me too
Why didn’t I listen?
Zack
That was his name
He didn’t have just one
Ever changing day by day
But he knew who he was
Soft locks as white as pure snow
Eyes as piercing as the sharp rays of dawn
Tongue clever as a snake
Words ever so delicious in its lies
A person so unreal
Impossible to be real
He never came to me in dreams
He didn’t seek me out
I beckoned for him to help
The chains that tie up his wrists and ankles
Have no mercy
It draws him nearer to me
Every bit of a prisoner as I am to him
He used to visit me
In my time of loneliness
Anger
Bitterness
Self-suffering
Self-pity
Zack
He used to be alive
Now he lies in a casket
Or some say he simply left
One day he may return
I would rather leave him for dead
His presence sinks me in delusion ever so deep
His absence wakes me up to reality I never wanted to face
at school
the first time I actually skinned a cat at school with schoolmates ="=
I had to admit. It was pretty new. pretty stinky...the chemical smell is clinging on my hair and prolly my clothes. haha
very interesting day so far.
couldn't have lunch because the preservative smell is still in my nose and its probably the cause of my headache nao haha....
day 2 in anatomy is...identifying the muscles of the dead cat =__=
well today was the gruesome, wet, drippy, smelly, clingy part I think...
gah.
I don't think I'm doctor material if I can't skin a cat and not feel headached from the smell =__=
okayyy anyway. got my cap and gown and will graduate 2 months or so from nao haahaa
another random thing:
I'm now reading Gentleman's Alliance.
So funny how reading ms Tanemura's works back when I was like 16 or 15 I used to be sooo entranced by every twist and turn of a love triangle.
I have to admit, the artwork is beautiful and the storyline is all too good :3
but I have to force myself to even swallow the "true love theory" and all that fuzziness.
To be blunt I'll just say it. People (Tanemura's fan) may hate me but it's aiight ;D
I think it's kinda stupid. yes for like 15 year olds to actually know what "love" is. And the boys in the manga are definately adorable and way too mature when their age is only 15. When I was 15 I used to be all giddy giddy, giggling over cute boys and talking about perverted stuff thanks to my friend Bobobobo. and 2 others who were equally knowledgeable about a man's parts haaha. >:D
ajfkldjfl;a I think I'm ranting. But simply said,....the bell's is freakiin gonna ring wtdafasfj.
Gentleman's Alliance is a good read. Just not for meeee. Here I come Josei manga. lurl.
the story is too sweet. and the characters are too young to know love =__=
ackdjfa.
do not read. no seriously.
aghh
I'll write out my feelings here as a way to vent. And because there are wonderful ppl online here who would tolerate my baby-tude.
~
so this is like my first time in like a month that I actually ate after 6PM. And I feel TERRIBLE. I usually eat from 1-5 PM everydaya and I ignore the hunger pains everyday. The morning isn't that bad. It's after the fam comes in that I want to join them to eat dinner.
But NAO. I ruined it cuz I had to shove chicken up my face and more cookehs and other procesed, junk.
I feel terrible.
To be honest. I would attempt puking. yes. except I'm a coward. Just like I was suuuch a coward to use that knife years back.
I feel so terrrrrible. I am one of the worst people to go ask about high self esteem becuz I have such a LOW one.
agh.
I used to be an exercise maniac, working out all the calories or extra calories I ate in the gym for like an hour, burning up 10000 calories. But now I resort to this...
and I'm an attention seeker. Yet I cringe at the attention given.
It really sucks and I feel pathetic. I wish I can turn back time so I wouldnt shove none of that stuff up my mouth. I want to puke. My body hates me. My head screams at me everydayy.
I wish I was sooo skinny people thought I was a lollipop or a toothpick.
please hate me all you want. cuz I'm sucha fat crybabeee
wahwah.
Personal mumbo jumbo.
I'm at school. And it's not cool :(
major thinking on my part. In the library. lol.
I noticed how much of a transparent person I am. I mean I knew this in the back of my mind but I guess this mind of mine wants to see me affirm it in writing.
Maybe it's like that for everyone? I mean at home I'm usually a guy haha. I have 2 younger brothers who walks around in their boxers and fart and burp, litter, and spray Axe and bug spray and do whatnot in the same house. And the house sometimes stinks of wet fish, burnt rice and dead mice and soiled socks and hairy moles and lice-infested cat, and moldy pickles and must I go on?.
So...it makes sense that I'm a tomboy at home, calls my brothers derogatory terms of endearment that they continually use with me everrryyday. (Buttface. Fatty. Chinkkie. Jackie Chan. Oh the list goes on.)
Wear random t-shirts and shorts, take no minute to straighten out messy short hair and wear FOB glasses lolz. It also adds to the boy factor that I play video games where they beat ppl up. And its so FUN. Espeically when you can go SUPER SAIYAN or can use YOYOs to inflict damage. And when girls actually KICK BUTT.
But at school I'm so QUIET and SHY. I actually look like a decent girl. Contacts in, hair washed, wear girly clothes (if jeans are considered that), put headband on. Have no fashion sense whatsoever. wear mostly black and white. NOO ORANGE. my school color, yet I HATE IT. blah blah. I barely talk to anyone but my close buddies here and there. I don't get the inside jokes. I hate presentations because I turn into a tomato on the spot.
It's sooo weird. And I remember that when I was in JABB or JABE, our offical group of 4 weirdo teenagers who live and go to diff schools (haha)... I was soo CRAZY. I could NOT utter any sentence without the "EH MY GOSH" and overreacting for no reason. Once I even ran across the whole flippin neighborhood yelling my lungs out to chase my brothers. IDK.
I'm so uberr transparent. or changing. or whatever D:!
But it's so weird/funny/usual/strange because ppl are so cautious around meee. I think I give off that "I'm PISSED" vibe. I so do not mean to. And if I were mad, you can tell from my tone or strained laughter. haha. :)
I guess transparent would be a cool thing to be. I mean I like transparent things. Like that nifty asian transparent umbrella. and Water and RAIN. and LACE. yay
Okay this is the most writing I've done all day today.
and the most rambling too.
