Hello, hello. My name is Xan and I will be your host this evening. Tonight we are serving Boring Life Problems, SHAMELESS Self Promotion, Conceited Blathering, and Mainly Stupid Stuff. Our most popular wine is Why Me. May I seat you?
Feel free to browse but try not to carouse! I hope you enjoyed my pun up there, because I sure did. Here's some boring facts about moi:
- Not a chick
- Not a dude
- So stfu
- I love you! ily, ilu, <3
- I am the Prince of Punk
Blah blah blah BLAH BLAH UGH HOW BORING.
There's really not much else to say. In my past-time I sleep and draw ugly pictures. Sometimes I write stupid words, which you can see in my only other world "Ugh Just Some Words." Otherwise I'm just a piece of trash weeb.
Well, I know for sure that guy I like is homosexual now. Oh well. What are you gonna' do? Ya' know?
And then this other guy I like is homosexual as well. I knew I was attracted to homosexual males, I just didn't know how accurate that statement was.
I don't even know what i identify as sometimes. I hate being female, but females look pretty, so I want to look pretty, so I'll dress female, but... what does it feel like to identify as female? I don't know. I just like to look pretty.
I went and talked with someone who is transgender and someone who is gender neutral. I don't think the person who is gender neutral likes me very much, but the transgender guy talked with me about how I felt about being female. He's cool. I told him I didn't know if I don't like being associated with females because of stereotypes placed on them by society, or because I really don't like being female. I don't know what gender dysphoria feels like. Sometimes I feel weird being called a male, though. So maybe I am gender neutral? Garsh, I have no idea. But I like to wear suits and things and look casual too, ya' know? Like, if I could pull off the dude look, I would do it. And maybe I can if I cut my hair short and didn't wear dresses. That would be nice. I just think I look pretty wearing whatever I like.
Ugh, this is so confusing. I don't like to be associated with females because I don't like being labeled, and never have. But I like the male confidence, and the air males give off. Like... I don't know if I like portraying myself as a sexual female. I don't lie being sexualized as a female. That's it. That's the weird feeling I get in my stomach whenever I think of myself as a sexual female. I remember I was appalled whenever I figured out what girls did during sex. I didn't want that. I just... maybe I do identify as male. Or maybe I'm gender fluid? Aghhhhhhhh! Confusion. I don't know.
I'm going to do homework.
I'm so tired. But I'm worried that I'm being annoying to everyone. I just... Don't know how else to interact. I want to be fun, but how can I when I am so awkward? Gosh... I don't know. I'm just tired and sad and frustrated. I wish I wasn't sad all the time because then I would be able to sort through my feelings ans thoughts.
That's all.
Step One: Get your thick skull to comprehend that you love a homosexual man whilst you identify as female.
Bonus: he's also your boss
Step Two: Realize that you are not part of his life, and are just an employee, and there is so much more to him that you have no idea about.
Step Three: Become friends with him instead.
Step Four: Then get to know about his personal life.
Note: This takes lots and lots of time
Step Five: Rationalize your feelings with what you know and be supportive for his life choices.
Well, god dammit, folks, I seem to have done it again.
(I filled up my journal and need a new one. In the mean time, I will bug everyone with my problems. Hooray!)
Sigh. I don't know why I always want to rush into relationships. Any kind of relationship, too. Friendships, loverships. Meeting new family members. I think it's that depression thing where you don't want to wait to feel happy, you want it right now. So I rush to the heart of the issue. But because of my past relationship I also am too cautious of others. So it's like I draw back when I have lovey-dovey feelings for somebody, but not when I just want to be friends. But I want so badly to be in a relationship with somebody at the same time, and my longing for it is overwhelming. So I'm caught with these powerful feelings and at the same time I'm too scared to move. It's like being frozen with fear. Except it's fear and love and I don't think through what I'm doing so I'm a deer in headlights and then I get smashed into by reality, which is my metaphorical car. Fuck.
Well. I don't know what to do. And I'm attracted to most homosexual men in general. Yeah, that's my preference. Besides intelligence and personality in everyone. Ugh. It's hard being pansexual. I figured out that's what I am, a pansexual. Ugh. So, yeah. I just... don't know.
Step Six: Fail at all steps and relapse into love: MISSION FAILURE.
My significant other broke up with me yesterday... because they didn't feel like we clicked, to put it in layman's terms. I'm trying really hard to get over it. To move on. But I keep obsessing over them, which I really shouldn't do. They kept saying sorry, but I don't care for their apologies. They don't care, and so their sorry's mean nothing. I told them we can't be friends anymore because they only told me when I confronted them. They still don't care. They look at it as a learning experience. For future partners and friends.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so sad. I don't think I was even that really attached to them, I just wanted somebody to care. But I guess I put too much stock in someone who wasn't family. I mean, I plan on dying alone. I don't ever want a life-long partner. But this only lasted for, like, four weeks. I told them that I wanted someone who was committed and not to treat me like a toy or something. But they did anyway. Now what am I to do? I knew I shouldn't have acted interested in them. I guess I really should give relationships time to develop instead of jumping into them. I just wish their roommate knew that too. Their roommate has an odd view on romantic relationships.
I don't really have much else to say. Just sad stuff.
Guyyyyyyyyyyyyys I want it to be fall already. I want Halloween. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
