*peeks through* Man it's been a long time since I've been here. (I stalk on here a lot though lol)
Haha, hey everyone! It's been almost three months since my last post here. That has to be one of my top longest gaps on here ever. I usually don't wait a long time to post since this is a really healing place for me to write out my thoughts. But somehow I never got to really write on here, or post wips and etc etc for sometime...
Of course I know you guys are like WTF, or maybe not, but in any case yeah, I haven't been active here at all lately. Though I still read up on postings and such, I really don't do much here. I'm honestly not sure if I want to put in the effort posting up pictures and such any more. Like how I was in the old days, trying to get back into the swing of things when TheO was hot and happening LOL.
I actually took the time to look at the fan art section (like REALLY dig deep into it) and the demographic has shifted quite a bit in the last few years... Like, a lot. I barely see any of the artists that I'm use to seeing and the newer artists here now are quite young, so the experience shows.
Since I was so curious of the lack of recognizable artists I decided to see the most active/popular art in the last year... There was literally 3 artist's art that I saw only. Artists that have been here for years so at least I know everyone isn't gone, but like WTF. Where did everyone go? Of course they went to college, moved on and etc but I'm really missing the community aspect of it all. I'm wanting to jump back into the fray and a lot of my friends and peers are no where to be found.
Honestly, really seeing this, like actually taking it all in is disheartening. I know everyone hasn't up and left and some people still post in their worlds now and again. But I do want to know what they are up to and if they are alive and kicking at the very least. At the same time I've been seeing the downturn happen slowly, I think now has reality stuck. With that being said, I felt that as an artist, I've outgrown TheO for sometime. But now I'm actually questioning if I have "matured" as an artist. Not in skill, but in spirit.
Granted I haven't been drawing like I used to so I feel that in a sense I'm stuck in a certain phrase. From almost 3 years ago... :| I have grown quite a bit as a person in that amount of time. But in my artistic self and life, I think I denied myself to really "move on" to bigger and better things.
Even though I didn't see it then, I see it now. I haven't "truly" moved on and in that resistance of not changing I stunted my own artistic growth. Which makes me very disappointed in myself, but I'm happy that I am able to see where I've gone wrong so I can change.
So I really have to be in the "now," really accept what's happening and move to another community, path, direction or whatever so I can start growing again. I'm not leaving TheO but I won't be posting art here anymore (beside wips and etc in my world). I'll probably spend that energy in my art blog while I find another art site. Though I looked for a few and I haven't found one that I really like. :/ DA is... Fucking DA and I highly doubt I'll be "active" there besides full blown stalking. I'll probably use it for my crafts if anything, but art wise, no lol.
I really like FA, besides the occasional drama and adult content you can wash up on but what site doesn't these days... I just don't want any kind of nonsense going on around me and a small tight knit group I can grow with.
So yeah, that is one of my many shifting tides in my life. I feel like I'm going through one of those "darkness before dawn" type phrases in my life now... *long sigh*
Let me know how you all are doing if you're still around lol, take care!
Hey everyone
Yeah, I know it's been way too long since I last posted here. If you can't tell by the doodle I mustered up, life as been intense. Not everything have been bad of course but most of it has been full of anxiety, stress and tons of changes.
I was going to explain some things that happened in the last two months but it's just too negative and I just want it all to be in the past. So I'm just going to dive into my own personal revelations and what I've been up to.
Change of Direction
As the title suggests I'm once again changing directions career wise and personally. I guess I should be more posting this on my spiritual blog, but since I don't normally post spiritually heavy stuff here I feel a lot better expressing my opinions about the whole thing in my world. Anyway, I got so tired of the spiritual community as of late (and we're talking for years) that I decided to finally break away from it. I should of done so years ago but I just didn't have it in me. A part of me was attached to all the forums, Facebook stuff and all the videos and things I would indulge in everyday. But I've come to a point in my life where I feel quite mentally and spiritually sheltered by it all. That and the spiritual community have some beliefs that I never resonated with or I simply grew out of.
One of the things I hate the most lately is the numerous needy and desperate people you tend to find. They always want to find a quick answer, free readings, expect people to tell them what they want to hear and are simply draining individuals. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I can't deal with the constant neediness anymore. I can't deal with the people that want to stay stuck in their own misery, and luckily I haven't had those types of clients.
However, the people I encounter everywhere else, especially the forums and social media are draining and irritating. Most of the time I feel that I can't get my life's work venture off the ground because I'm around such people and I want to get paid what I'm worth. Doing readings for cheap is great for extra money when it comes in, but if I want a career, I have to have clients that are willing to invest in themselves and want the help I'm able to offer them at a fair price.
And quite frankly I want to break out of the angel card reading field. It's not something I'm willing to only do. I want to do something on a bigger scale that pays a lot more, I deserve it with the decade worth of experience I poured into my life. I honestly feel that strictly sticking to angel cards (even though I do more than just that) is a representation of my self worth in the business. Which isn't much, I kept myself in the bottom of the barrel for long enough. I no longer want to simply tell people what to do, I want to do something much more.
I really want to talk to people and go hands on. I can't do that with all this "old stuff" still hanging around me. So I was more than happy to finally cut myself out of the spiritual community. Though I'm still spiritual, I no longer have interest in the pursuit of this "perfection" that seems to run rampant among the community. I've been in that bubble for long enough, I just want to live now, be happy, do things that truly make me happy and explore the world.
With that said I don't think spirituality on it's own is bad, far from it depending how you go about it. That and this is a decade full of observations and frustrations I always had, so there is no one thing or entity that I'm blaming this on, it's just is what it is. I'll always love spirituality for what's it worth but I've grown enough to follow my own direction than a bunch of "idols" that people tend to put on a pedestal.
What Now?
With that decision made came a lot of confusion. Since I was working really hard on a new business idea that was based in the spiritual community. But for now I will have to semi halt it till I find a definite direction. I'll probably do a bunch of test runs and just play with it all till I'm ready and set to really go full time with it.
Besides that, my urge and inspiration to draw as well the Japanese and kawaii culture have floated back to the surface. That was the part of my life that was drowned out by my business and career. I now see how important it all is to me to function and be myself. Talking to my good friend Jer and spending some great quality time by myself, I know that I have to go back to the basics. Start truly focusing on myself and NOT my career with my last dying breath.
I notice I take whatever I'm working on, which is mostly career oriented, to the extreme. I work super duper hard to the point that I break under it all. Or that I get mega frustrated it's not working because I expect fast results. It's quite the complex and it's something that follows me no matter what the situation is, however this is a huge step for me in correcting it.
I have to learn to slow down, not take everything so seriously, focus my time on other things, take (longer) breaks and give myself time to think things through. My nature to rush things and expect things to come super fast is getting in the way. I need to have fun with whatever I'm doing and just take this career thing a lot more lightly. I'm so very much in my head when I freak out so I have to remind myself that I'm blowing up the situation way more than it actually is. Once I calm down and relax, life doesn't seem as stressful.
But things seem to be looking up. A lot has happened that I didn't mention at all but I'll leave that for the next time. I like to post more positive things and revelations anyway lol.
Thanks for looking guys, talk to you all soon and sorry for being completely gone for so long. I'm not making any promises either in the future so you all do well if I disappear again haha!
Hey everyone, ( I originally wrote this last week)
My Birthday
First off I want to say thank you for all the birthday wishes that I've gotten on here and Facebook. It was really awesome! I have yet to personally thank most of you but you'll know why in a bit. I just want to say that my birthday was so good. I didn't do anything spectacular like I originally planned but I had a really good time. Me and my friend Yvette went to Ihop and ate there. I had their fresh and fruity combo for free with the coupon I got in my email. She had their new French toast, the dishes was really good, I need to upload the pictures soon. After that we went to FYE (a music store) and looked at stuff. The highlight was finding Papuwa, an anime I have the fondest memories of when I was with my first guinea pig, Road Kill, before he passed. I remember him sitting on my lap while I was laughing my head off watching Papuwa. It's a really funny and strange anime, totally unique. I recommend it if you like those weirdly funny animes.
The Fallout
Now for the reason why I've been completely out of balance in the last few days. My god, my Mother's day was the worst ever. If you guys been around for about a year you'll probably heard a post or two of my dad being a complete dick and/or me freaking out about such. Well... The straw that broke the camel's back finally landed, luckily I wasn't the one that freaked out. It all started (well it started WAY before this but what got the ball rolling) when my dad started to talk crap about my mom and sister while we were taking Yvette home last Friday. Now this isn't new, he's been doing it for as long as I can remember but the fact he did it in front of my good friend, in the passenger seat no less with me in the car just threw me off. I stood up for my sister since he was LYING about her being lazy and not doing anything with her life. I didn't freak out or anything but kindly said "No dad, my sister works hard, goes out and etc, etc." What got me is that he tried to continue the conversation and bashing my family like I was going to wholeheartedly agree or something. It's just disgusting. But anyway, fast forward that Sunday, Mother's day.
So in the last few weeks I have been going to my old childhood church; something rare for me to do especially if have a choice. It started when my neighbor started her shit again and I was so disturbed by it that I needed to leave the house, so I went to church with my family. And I meant to post about this before but one of the people that works at that church just had baby guinea pigs and is giving one to me! Two weeks ago I went to pick mines out and omg she is SOOOO CUTTEEE. When I first saw her I called her "Milkshake" and omg the name just stuck, so there is an 80% chance that's going to be her name once I get her. And today I heard that I might get both the babies since the two seem to love each other so much, so that's exciting and stressful at the same time.
Getting back to what I was saying, even though I didn't want to go to church this past Sunday I decided to go since it was Mother's day. That morning however, my dad pretty much got dressed and left without us. My sister was up and was going to go but my dad didn't let her know at all and my mom never got dressed. I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself with him. He likes to bash the family for whatever reason when we're not around and I didn't like his energy that morning either.
So that is when me and my sister was talking and concluded that he needs to go. He literally sucks everything out of us. He does nice things, but the things that really counts he has no intention of doing. He doesn't support my mom at all, treats her like dirt. He doesn't think much of my sister and just has this personality switch with him. Every time he hangs out with his friends or whoever, he comes home and has this really nasty attitude. And I'm so fucking tired of it.
So my sister and mother goes out to my cousin's house, the place they usually hang out at after church. And during which (which I heard from both my sister and mother) my dad was bashing my sister right in front of her, my sister didn't say anything and just went upstairs. When she came back down and he was still bashing her, my sister cussed him out and told him he wasn't welcomed at the house anymore. And he haven't came back since he left for church that Sunday.
I'm SO happy that we finally got him out of our lives (or at least the house), the only thing is that we're not in a good position as always. By the time huge blow ups happen, we're on bare bones since my dad decides to stop paying for everything and cry broke. YET he has all the money in the world buying food, alcohol and whatever at my cousin's house. It makes me sick... The kicker too is that my dad attracts users and leechers, and if he isn't getting taken advantage of, he just gives his money away. Then comes home and bashes my mom or the family for not having money. It drives me nuts.
Even though I'm stoked about having my dad out the house, I got so incredibly stressed out that following Monday I had an expressed mini melt down that morning. I've been so good with not stressing out when things go wrong or whatever the case. But it seemed like all the stress of the world suddenly fell onto me that morning and it was the worst I felt in over a year. It was pretty bad, I have so many great things happening, but it's all happening at the worst time it seems. It just felt like all the good I had going for me was getting sucked out like a vacuum because of my parents marriage problems.
It sucks honestly, it really does. If my dad learned how to be a husband instead of an idiot or if my mom kicked him out last year, I don't think this would be happening. But I'm not the wife or the husband and this isn't my problem, it's my parent but me and my sister gets hit with the fallout every time. And that's the thing that makes me angry. But I talked about this long enough.
The Aftermath
Right now, my sister is with the church on a 4 day trip (she came home since I wrote this). I'm home with my mom and I'm still stressing about things but they are getting better. I have so much stuff coming up that needs my attention and money but I don't have either which makes things difficult. Like the guinea pig(s) and the new Korean class I'll be joining. I need money to get the guinea pigs started and fare for class but both have been pushed back. So I have time to maybe score some readings because I need them right now haha. I'm basically running on a whole lot of faith... *sigh*
So yeah, the last few days and the days ahead I'll be trying to get my emotional self back into place. It's getting easier with each passing day. I just have to keep positive and not think about my dad and the whole situation. Doing this post helps a lot and anything that keeps me from thinking about it or keeps my brain active and productive. I honestly know that this is just making way for the new and better, it's just the "now" I have to get through. I intend on having a great spring and summer season and I'm keeping that intention, my dad's bullshit isn't going to change anything! So yeah haha...
Right now I'm thinking of all the things I want, need to do and getting back into a more positive mindset. Stressing out never helps anything and I have to remember that I can be happy and not like my current situation at the same time. I know things are just changing and god damn change is so scary sometimes. But if I make it out of this, holy crap who knows where I'll be. I'm looking forward to the future even though I'm scared and worried of what it might hold to get there. I know me and my family can get through anything, we've done it before many times.
Last thing, here is the WIP of my current picture, enjoy!
Thanks for reading guys, love you all!
Hey everyone!
My Little Ponysona!
Yup, yet another wip but of myself as a pony haha! I'm sorry but seeing the third season of MLP:FIM really got me wanting to make fan ponies again. That and I need to start drawing more since I fell in a slump of not drawing much again. I'm learning to pull through it and just "do it" instead of over analyzing everything I do, especially when it comes to art.
I posted this on my creative blog (you can read more about the sketch itself there) and it was the hardest thing to do because my internet kept going in and out constantly. I normally post on my world and my blog at the same time but last night that wasn't possible. So here I am posting it now. I'm actually done most of the line art. I just have to do the rest of the tail and then go over the line art again to add the line weights.
Exercise
Besides that, I HAVE A LOT OF ENEGRY. I've been making a point to exercise every morning 5 days a week than every other day (based solely on laziness) because I tend to be really scattered if I don't exercise. So I give myself a break on the weekends from my weekday routine to do whatever, nothing is planned. BIG MISTAKE. This morning I had so much pent up energy, completely ungrounded and I couldn't focus on barely anything. I was trying to learn my vegetables in Korean and my god, my brain was literally in outer space. A complete difference from when I do my routine. The same thing happened last week but I didn't work out for 5 days, but I see that I have to keep working out everyday. Or else I'll be a total and complete mess that can't focus on anything haha! I'm feeling a lot better now so I think I'll work on my art and be focused instead of thinking of the next thing I want and/or can do haha!
My Birthday
Anyway, that was it! Thank you all for looking and reading. Oh yeah before I go, my birthday is in 10 days (May 14th). Holy crap! I'll be turning 24 this year... To be honest, I don't feel that "old" or at least what typical 24 year olds are considered to be. I just feel like "me" with another number slapped on my forehead. Of course I'm wiser than I was the previous year but that's it. And honestly, when I thought more about it a few days ago, it was kinda scary. It's like what the hell is the world is going to toss at me next? The last year wasn't that bad but still, a lot happened... I don't know, I've been changing a lot. I'm getting a lot more confident in myself with all the great things that have been happening and I'm pushing though old limits. I can only assume that I'll reach higher heights since I'm doing a lot more for myself than I ever have before and it feels good. So, we'll see what happens, but I'm positive this will be a very special year for me!
Okay, that was really it. Thanks for reading guys!
Take care!
Artist issues
Hey everyone, yeah I know it's been almost two months since I had a life update. I'm sorry for that, I guess I needed the time to sort out my feelings, though a lot of good things happened on my time away! The main reason why I haven't updated is because I haven't been drawing as much. I started to pick it back up as you can see in my latest WIP but before then I made a bunch of sketches and then stopped. I was hesitant to draw honestly, and it's a feeling that has been haunting me for a long time. I always felt like I needed to draw perfectly, which is impossible no matter how good a get. That and I'm still in my "draw to post online" mind set so I somewhat draw things that I think people will like, which only has held me back for years really.
Quite frankly, that year or so of my unintended semi-hiatus not only stalemated my progress in drawing but the issues I had in it. So even though I grew a lot in many areas as a person, as an artist, I'm still stuck with the same issues I was dealing with at that time. I always believe that everything happens for a reason and with my improved wisdom about life and what I want to personally do with it, I can better manage the bullshit I still carry as an artist.
One of the biggest issues is that I have to draw (insert whatever), be popular and make money off of my art to be successful. Thinking back, I followed the stream that many artists get caught up in online. Thinking they need to be perfect, draw like so and so, have countless followers to be happy or be validated as an artist or even as a person.
Taking the topic of art out of the spotlight, I learned in recent months that nothing makes me more happy than building something from the ground up. To be so invested in something I want to see that I put meaning in the very thing I'm wanting to create. Whether it's learning Korean (I'll get to that), working on my art, making crafts or tending to my blogs, the intense focus, love and just dedication I have makes me feel rewarded. For once in a very long time I feel like I'm doing everything I can to ensure that I achieve the things I truly want in my life. For years I thought material things and other people's praises was something that meant I got everything I ever wanted, but I was wrong... So wrong.
Once I dug deep in myself and realized I kept myself in a fantasy for around 5 years about what I thought would make me happy, I felt a lot of my world crumble. As well as a powerful reality check and realization of where my true power and success lies in this world. If I want really want something, I have to be willing to focus and take my time with it. I really forgotten how much I enjoyed working towards things in my life. For so long I wanted the faster way, the shortcuts and the perfect processes to take me where I wanted to go. I'm not saying I regret all my choices that I've ever made or I even made the wrong choices, but I now see that the person I really am takes her time with life. I thought that if I have these small petty things that my life would be complete, but I will never be "done" with life. I will always want something else and something more and that's perfectly fine. Trying to skip out on the natural order of things however is not only the surest way to fail over and over again but to feel that you're not good enough when that's a lie too.
Haha, I guess what I'm trying to say is that being an artist started with me and should always end with me. Not just with outside things making me happy but the fact I make myself happy because I AM an artist and I'm always creating. Not trying to get popular, have faultless pictures or some fantasy where everything is perfect. But the fact that I put so much time and effort into what I'm doing that I not only give meaning to it, but life as well.
So with that said, I'm taking a lot of time to practice and get into realism a lot more. I'm still sorting through my deep artist issues but I made good progress since I took a step forward to draw more often. And of course whatever WIPs I have to upload I will post up here as well as my creative blog.
Zenkaikon
OMG ZENKAI WAS AMAZING! Sorry that I haven't posted about it at all but to sum it all up, everything went great! I went to some panels, saw regular Z-con goers, raved, ate, saw SiSero, hung out with staff members and all kinds of stuff. I took SO MANY cosplay pictures as well, the dealers room had the best lighting ever! The people were so nice and everyone agreed, even though the con was far from it's original location in King of Prussia, it was the best one yet. The hotel it was in was beautiful! Even though I was staffing it felt like I was a con goer with staff benefits. I plan to make a full blog post and post up the many cosplay pictures that I took.
Learning Korean
Yup I'm in the process of learning Korean and I'm thoroughly enjoying it! I'm even taking a weekly class in it, the only problem is that my teacher goes too fast. Like seriously, one minute we're on one subject then someone asks a questions and we're down a totally different road. That and he doesn't go over the grammar rules well at all. He just says that it doesn't matter when in fact it does since I don't know why the sentence is the way it is. Even when he does go over it, I be so confused that it nearly doesn't matter. For about a month I was horribly confused and couldn't really get anything, but luckily I found a GREAT Korean grammar book that helped me out so well. It's because of that book I'm getting Korean as well as I am now. Like really, it explains things so perfectly and I love it. I look forward to learning Korean every morning and increasing my skill. Granted I'm still at the very beginning of my journey but I see lots of improvement every day!
Cherry Blossom Festival
Recently I went to my city's cherry blossom festival and I had SUCH A BLAST! Me, my good friend Yvette and my sister all went there together! Me and my friend was on our own when we got there while my sister met up with her friend for the rest of the day. We ate, watched performances and even took random pictures of this cute guy that we saw. I forgotten how awesome it is to have a female friend! XD The highlight of the day was the AWESOME drum performance! And holy cow there were a lot of cute guys in that group. I took so many pictures and videos so that I would never forget it. Also the cherry blossoms where in full bloom so everything looked spectacular! It was a really great day.
Career Change And Everything else
Overall my life has been getting a lot better! I've buckled down to start focusing on my core interests and it's changing me for the better. I feel very satisfied that I'm making the right choices purely for myself and self satisfaction. One of the biggest transformations is changing the focus on my spiritual career. From doing angel readings and guidance to following your dreams and passions. It's something I always loved to talk about and I finally started to move the focus on to that. I made some changes to the blog so that myself and my passion is the main feature instead of angel readings. I still sell them but what I want people to "get" from me is following your dreams, passion and positivity in life. That life is magical and you can achieve as much as you want if you allow yourself to do so.
Before I go I want to thank everyone here for commenting, sending me gifts and just supporting me in whatever I do. I love and appreciate all of you! I want to be more active in my creative life and also be more active in communicating with you all if anything. The time I've been off of here (not really just not posting wips and commenting on stuff) has been healing and eye opening for me so that I can further express myself in better ways! Hopefully it won't be almost two months when I do another life update. See you guys soon, bye!
