No more cahldereta with rice before I go to sleep.

So guess what? Yeah, I got nothing. In fact, I feel nothing. Today has been up and down. I got yelled at by the people who live in my house, saying that I'm lazy and don't do anything just because I forgot to do something. Then I was told that I'm going to die all alone. Gee, thanks.
For all of you wonderful people who read my posts, I'm sorry for pouring all of my negative energy here. If you met me in person, I'm usually nothing like my posts (here you hear about my miserable side LoL).
I'm slowly rehabilitating myself. I had an interesting dream last night. It had to do with scary mansions and talking baby panda bears and dragons. My brother (at least I think it was my older brother...it kept on alternating between my best guy friend and my older brother), one of my really really good friends, and I just all of a sudden landed on the roof of this gigantic building. Then, there were three windows that worked like garage doors. My brother came to open each one and to examine it. The one in the middle was a green dragon, and I think the one to my right was a gray gargoyle. The one to my left was some sort of giant bird, that had the colors of blue and yellow. I wanted my brother to choose that one, but instead, he choose the dragon and as it went crazy he jumped on it and grabbed the rest of us and we went flying into the house. I was in the scary mansion, and when I finally got out, I had to go back inside. The first time I was in there, the atmosphere was so disturbing, filled with creepy floating dolls who's eyes would follow you, bats, spiders, the smell of a place that hasn't been inhabited in a really really long time. There was even the whole velvet stair-casing. The strangest thing was that we were informed somehow that it was our old associate priest's house. This all happened during the night. When we finally found our way out, it was morning, and then we had to go back inside. It wasn't so scary during the day, but I guess that's how it's like for everything. When we were in a higher floor, as I looked out the window, I saw a group of my friends just walking by. I knocked on the window in hope that they could hear me, and two of them did, well, they looked up. One of them was one of my best friends who I've known ever since we were in pre-school. We're still really close even now, and we're about to be college students. :D The other was this one really awesome guy who I had choir with who wrote a song with almost identical chord structure as a song of mine that I wrote. I think the difference was that for one part he went down to an E minor and I went up to a G chord, oh and I played it on piano and his was on guitar. Aside from that, everything was the same. Funny how that happened, huh? Actually, I think it's amazing. Anyway, there was this one part where one of the rooms were set up like a restaurant and as I was there, I was waiting. It were as if I had a feeling that one of my best friends would just come in through the door, see me, smile, and sit with me. Unfortunately that never happened. The talking baby panda that I was carrying around went missing, and I had to go look for him. Then, there was a big bear lying down in the middle of the floor, and it talked too! Yes, I may have lost my subconscious mind.
In other news, Vocaloid is pretty cool, as long as you know how to handle the software, which I really want to get my hands on sometime. I want to see how it works. I have FLStudio and so I want to compare and test it out. I like all forms of music and am willing to give things a try. :) By the way, they're not robots, in concert they're holograms. Their voices are actually voiced by actual people, and you create their music by doing something and typing in melody. It got more popular when they included a box art with the software and ta-da! Introducing Hatsune Miku, the Kagamines, Megurine Luka, etc. But need I say more, as otaku you all must know!
Sorry, that was a mini rant because on a website I read some comments where they're bashing the work, and I seriously wanted to get things straight for those who are ignorant and assume they know everything there is to know.
Don't get me wrong, I like people. It's just the things that they do have their ups and downs as well. @_@
Hah, I feel better ^^ Now I should try channeling this energy through my workouts, because that seemed to work today too. Hmm...another way to release my negative energy. YaY! LoL ^__^

Why yes, I have clean sleeves.

Bleh. Today has been fantastic, for the most part. It's been pretty mushy and stuff since there was that whole wedding thing, which I honestly didn't mind at all. In fact, I really did enjoy it. On the other hand, well basically, it's always those underlying factors.
Okay, you can leave now. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I understand that, but still; that doesn't give you the right to shoot down anything that I say that's my opinion and compare me to someone and claim that I am 'utterly ridiculous'. Can I say something? Could you at least give me permission to do that? I'm so glad you don't know this exists, it's one of my small things of freedom. You're really good at saying "no". In fact, you do it all the time. No more piano lessons. No more voice lessons. No career in anything other then what you want. No going to Tsubasacon this year. Honestly, you're fantastic at taking the things that are important to me. It's bad enough that I have to learn how to cope with going to a completely new school far away from home and start over. The friends I have here, there are some that I've known for the majority of my life. I don't know about you, but these people are really important to me as well...and here, you complain and what not if I just hang out with them for a couple of hours. What did I do that was so wrong? Why do let everyone else roam free and have me tied to a leash? Do you enjoy smothering me? Why is it that he can come and go as he pleases? Why is it that you don't care if he comes to dinner on time or, even at all?
Friends are amazing. I can be myself around them, and the real ones stick around. It's a lot harder with family, especially when you have to play the puppet. The second mom. The mediator. The headstrong person who tells everyone else that it's all right and the one who never cries unless it's during a sad movie. The one who had to learn how to grow up fast. The one who everyone's hopes are put into. The one who's supposed to be successful in everything and learn to never mess up, in anything. The one who everyone keeps tabs on, well, everyone in the Asian community, that is. The one who's never allowed to complain, and no matter what happens still gets stuck doing all the chores at home. I'm tired. I'm really tired, and sometimes I can't believe that one of the reasons why I'm worried about leaving for college is that my little sister will have to carry on the burdens that I bear, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not her. She has her own things to deal with and try to avoid as well. If I could take someone with me to college who was no where near age appropriate level, I would most definitely take her.
I'm sorry. I apologize for being such a terrible person, but I heard that keeping everything bottled up inside isn't healthy for you. In all honestly, I partially believe that that's just something people say in order to clench their curiosity of what's on your mind. Yes, I keep things hidden from people, it doesn't make sense to wear things on your sleeve and cause blah-ness for the whole world to see, especially if that sleeve is wet from crying or bloody from cutting your heart open or whatever else it is. The world I'm forced to live in feasts on that kind of drama, and I'm not the type of person who gives something I dislike the majority of the time that kind of satisfaction. Yes, I hold back stuff, but I find different means of channeling that energy that's kept inside. This is why people have come to invent art, music, dancing, writing, or even blogging on an otaku site that only a handful of people know about. In my opinion, I think it's better, and it's a way to let myself know that I'm still human, and not some 'robot' or 'perfect child' or 'angel' or whatever else people have called me. However, it was quite flattering whenever the guys would say that I was so perfect or that they thought I really was an angel. Then again, I'm a romantic, so on occasion, I fall for that mushy crap. But, I'm a big fan of creativity, cute sweetness, and nerdiness so those cliches are kinda bleh. Hah, that just reminded me of a friend. He said that he thinks the type of person who would be compatible for me would be little nerdy, in a good way (whatever that means LoL). He's really silly though. @_@ However, well, Lizanya even told me that I end up liking the weird ones...but I guess that can't be helped. I love individuality. I guess, along with being musically/artistically talented, that's another turn on for me. I'd like to have someone who's not afraid to be themselves, and who has a sense of humor too. Someone who'll respect me for my boundaries and blahblahblah. Oh, and having blue eyes too...well, that's not mandatory, but it'd be a plus. I bet you're laughing right now, whoever you are who reads my posts. I can't help it, there is just something about blue eyes that are amazing. Don't get me wrong, green eyes are pretty too, actually, green eyes are lovely, but I'm really picky about those. Blue eyes, I'll honestly say I'm kinda picky about as well. But, I've encountered eyes with the shade of blue that I really really really like, so that puts me in a reality stage when it comes to blue. Oh, and obviously, dark eyes are the bomb (yes, I just said that). I have dark eyes, so naturally my opinion is biased hehehe ^///^ Whoa wait a minute, how in the world did I get on this topic???
Well anyway, I feel a lot better now, so I'm going to go put on my soothing waves and calming music and go to bed now. :)

Meltdown.

My head hurts and I feel dizzy. On occasion my head fills up with static, and it gets so bad that I can't even think straight, or sit up even. Who would've thought that sound could be so harmful? I feel so weak today, and I'm not sure why. I even had to stop playing the piano not even after 30 minutes because it felt like my arms weighed a ton, and when I tried to play, it just got worse and worse. Sounds from the television, other peoples' voices, everywhere are causing my head to throb. However, the droning from my computer with the breeze from my fan is beginning to induce sleep. The voices in my mind keep replaying thoughts and memories, and re-experiencing them is beginning to make me weary. Last night's dream alone was pretty emotional, and it wasn't exactly the greatest of nights...
Sometimes, when I'm asleep, my mind realizes that I'm sleeping, and then my mind tries to wake up my body. What's even more strange, is that my body doesn't listen to my mind, and my body locks up and doesn't move, and I start to hurt. My mind is awake, and realizes what's going on in it's surroundings, but can't do anything about it because my body refuses to function. Then, I start screaming in my mind for self-motivation and/or help in an effort to get myself moving because I can't move, but then end up frustrated because no one can hear me. No one realizes I need help. I can't even get my body to budge. That happens for awhile until either my mind or my body is finally able to gain control of the other and I either wake up or go deeper into the unconsciousness. Maybe all I need is a little sleep...

Just ask. Just ask. JUST ASK!

Sometimes, I wish that there was someone out there who really really gets me. I mean, it'd be nice to find someone who knows the difference between when I'm serious and when I'm not serious. When I have a bad day, they'd know to give me a break and just excuse whatever I may say, not letting that offend them. Also, whenever I get lost in a song, space out, whatever, it'd be nice if they could just laugh it off or whatever and tell me again. I think, I just want, it doesn't even have to be all the time, maybe just every once in awhile, to have someone who'd be able to bear with me. It'd be awesome if we could have this mutual understanding and the whole "I'm going to be honest with you but I love you anyways" thing. Wouldn't that be amazing? To find that someone who loves and accepts who you are, someone to tell you that it's okay to be yourself and when you're confused takes the time to help you out. If ever I come across someone, I hope I'll be able to realize how valuable they are to me right away so I'll do my best to never let them get away. Speaking of which, if I walk away, I want them to follow me, and vice versa. I looked up the english lyrics to "Hello/how are you" and there was one part that really stretched out and poked me:

"Why is it that you end up hiding it?
Is that you actually want me to ask you about it?
I promise that I will not laugh,
so why don't you try telling me?
I won't know anything if you don't open your mouth.
You won't convey anything by merely thinking in your head.
What a troublesome species of organism,
the one called "human", that is."

I think that's funny, because I have trouble trying to express or say what I want. I know no one can read my thoughts, but sometimes I really wish that they could be heard. I guess that's another reason why I love music and art. It's my outlet, my way of communication. Only problem is, not many people even realize that. It'd be so convenient if I knew how to be obvious. I met someone who asked some questions in an attempt at trying to get to know me, and after that "interview" she said that I was difficult to read. I thought that was the strangest comment ever, but in a way I guess it's true. The majority of the stuff I post on this site can never even come out of my mouth. I do try to just be myself, but myself gets confused when it has to deal with emotions. That sounds really silly, but true. Despite all this though, I'm going to try to and learn how to ask. I was watching this movie last night and the one guy said "figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it." I guess that's something I really need to work on.

It's a sad smile.

So. I'm having issues with myself. Why can't I ever get you out of my thoughts? You rush through me, leaving me to deal with the aftershock of it all. You play like a broken record in my mind. You get stuck like a song in my head. It's really strange and my family isn't very good at helping because they bring you up from time to time. (That last sentence makes me wonder if I bring you up too much in conversations...I wonder.) I think I'm annoyed at the realization of how much I like you. You inspire me, and make me see things in a different light. This whole time I thought I had lost my muse, but I'm just now finding out that I've had one and I wasn't aware. Our ideas are the same and yet so different. And, what's tragic, is that it finally took me this long to realize all the different things, both the big things, and what even the smallest things about you that make me smile. The way you caressed my hair on rehearsal night; Everytime our hands would touch whenever we helped each other figure out chords on the piano; Enjoying each other's company while going out on crazy after-artclub adventures such as "saving the crow"; Even when you told me that you think of me whenever you picture someone overreacting is a cherished memory. Hah, I don't even know if you'd remember any of these...particularly that last one...but these little things, I never want to forget. Wow, if ever you come across this post (which I'm not sure how you would anyways, thank goodness), I'd bet you'd think I sound pretty pathetic. I'm sorry, I have to express myself in some way.
I feel as though it may be too late to talk to you now. Time won't stop unless God wills it to. Everyone else can only carry on.
Stupid failure of expression.
Stupid cluelessness.
There are two songs that I believe are very fitting to my situation. The two didn't even realize the emotion until later on, so they never got to say it, but they felt it, right?
Soundless Voice-Len Kagamine
Proof of life-Rin Kagamine
I prefer it in that order as well, which is different I suppose, since everyone on youtube thinks otherwise. I think, if we ever got a chance to duet a song, this would be so ironically fitting, well, on my part at least.
It's funny, inside there are quiet tears, but even though that feeling is present, I am able to smile. It's a sad smile though. Maybe this is why my ears are tuned to bittersweet melodies. No matter how painful, no matter how sad, there is still the light that shines through the clouds of gray; The hurt behind the understanding that must exist; The reason why one wishes to hold on, but for the sake of the other, reluctantly let's go. The beauty of the emotion that lingers in your heart and in your mind, because it is one that involves both.
I wanted to spend more time with you, so maybe this is my heart's way of telling my mind "See? I told you so." By having me plagued by my never-ending memory of you. Funny, I thought I was the one who was supposed to be haunting you.