I don't mind being sad, as long as I'm alone.

Sometimes my artistic curiosity takes a leap in sketchy waters. I came up with one of the weirdest ideas ever after being unknowingly inspired when I went to this art museum with my boyfriend. It's one of those things where "I would totally jump on it if I didn't have my own sense of morals and strong belief system". It's really weird how for the sake of someone else or my own curiosity I'm willing to take that step, but only in the shallow waters of it. I usually end up wondering if I'm going to regret it or not during the entire process, and well, whatever happens happens I guess.

I guess in a way it's kinda like how I picked this one scene that's not exactly rated PG to write a screenplay for my film class. But, to be honest, I was desperate because of the circumstances of the assignment and I picked it because it was so shocking that I'm sure I would have remembered if it was actually in the tv series, since I had to pick a scene that was in the book but not in the tv series. I feel like it may be true about all of my "psych tests" and whatever else about doing/picking things that say I have a raging libido are true. Oh well, whatever.

It's been a stressful week and my filters are starting to disintegrate. The word vomit and not caring about the word vomit happens every once in awhile. I'd like to think that I have a fairly good amount of self control and a lot of the time things that bother me I can brush off so easily and be done with it, but this week has been the struggle. I was able to keep it internally for the most part but it was crazy because while everything was happening, I was realizing how ridiculous I was and am still being. Blahhhhhhhh

Literally this is just me not ranting, but rambling on and on about the minor details of my life I suppose. So I'll just randomly talk about stuff, like the fact that I've been reflecting on sad things today, just because of the random things happening that remind me of random sad anime moments. Also, I'm listening to sad anime OST music, but to be honest, I really like sad and bittersweet music. Even when I was younger I used to say that my ears are tuned to bittersweet melodies.
They're painful, and yet beautiful in their aching. I think that may be why I like them.

But in all of everything right now, I'm just honestly tired. I have to keep going but lost my motivation somewhere along the way. I feel like everything will be better once I finish everything tomorrow, but I feel like I'm already crawling towards the finish line with a missing leg. The id in me just wants to do nothing but maybe watch movies and eat things and snuggle with my boyfriend. I did want to go on a walk with him this weekend and take pretty fall pictures too, so I'm really hoping that the weather will be nice this weekend. It doesn't have to be warm, just nice. I hate it because I feel like I sound like a clingy girl who can't stop talking about her boyfriend whenever I mention him. To be honest, whenever I'm in extrovert mode, I actually try not to bring him up too much because I miss him ridiculously already and hearing myself admit that aloud...well, who knows what could happen, so I just let my friends do all the whining about how much they miss him and want him here and I just smile back at them and not say anything. Sometimes it's really funny because they complain and complain and whine and not even think or realize how it affects me, I guess. One of my friends caught on though, so that was nice. Everyone else still complains. Oh well. I guess, if I'm being honest with myself, the reason why it initially bothered me so much to begin with was because for the most part, all of my friends from college got to see him over the summer and I wasn't able to.

One of the things that I hate is when people send me awesome pictures and saying "why aren't you here?!?" and all the other things like that. I just hate missing people to the point that I honestly don't even look at those pictures. So, whenever I got pictures from him or from my other friends sending them to me or posting them on Facebook or whatever, I avoid them like the plague. The truth, yeah I think I'm jealous. In addition to that, I'm a lonely person. But I don't wanna tell them that, because I'm being stupid. So yeah, I avoid them like the plague and just focus on my life: the here and now, and the people who are in it for right now. Sometimes I feel like I could live my life just moving on. I think that's why for the longest time I was so comfortable with just being by myself and not in a relationship, because I didn't have to worry about dragging anyone down with me no matter what path I end up taking. Stupid fears. I don't want to let myself down, but then I realize that I'm living for more than just myself, the fear of letting them down whispers in the back of my mind.

I really need to focus on physics but I just want to do nothing. Well, school related at least. I guess those are some ramblings that have been brewing within me for awhile that I was ready to let go of, so there it is. Until next time everyone ^_^

So, in conclusion, I need to start watching a ridiculously sad anime/korean drama soon.

Thanks so much for being wonderful and I hope you all have a great rest of the week! ^_^

21, what?!? I thought I was 15...

I'm pretty sure that my mental age is somewhere in high school. Seriously, and by that I mean maybe somewhere in the middle. It's as if my life is doomed to being an eternal sophomore or junior. People getting married, having children, working in the professional world? What is that?

This is my spiel about it all.
My friends are getting married, producing like rabbits (okay, major hyperbole), and getting out into the professional world.

Okay, out of all those things, the thing that I understand most is the getting out into the professional world part. I guess it's because the marriage and relationship aspect is still foreign to me, it all just seems extra weird. (recap: even though I am a hopeless pathetic romantic, for awhile the thought of being in a relationship scared me and I thought I was just comfortable by myself. I was scared of being vulnerable. This is why my boyfriend is a special case, because when I found out he was interested in me up to know, surprisingly no red flags have appeared. That in itself is pretty weird too.) But seriously, seeing it all happen around me: friends getting older, lives starting to develop, people moving away.

Part of me is sad and hates to face the truth: we are no longer those little kids. We are no longer those crazy teenagers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy, and so are my friends, but things are changing. Usually I don't mind change, but when I feel it is when it becomes bothersome.

In order to avoid being overwhelmed (from everything), I usually melt down into a manga. I've been reading Skip Beat lately, and it's pretty awesome and full of wonderful fangirl moments hahaha :)

I know that avoiding it isn't necessarily the best way to go about with it, but I just want to immerse myself in something outside of myself for as long as possible because I know that soon I'll be thrown into everything once again.

So for now, just leave me alone. Please.

Swimming in Filth

"When you get bit by a snake, you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well, that's what I had to do. I had to suck all the poison out of my life."
-Mean Girls

It's really funny because that's the only take home quote I got out of that movie because it's very true. (Other quotes I got from that movie are pointless funny ones like "is butter a carb?" or "the limit does not exist!" or "and there's a 40% chance that it's already raining!" or other ridiculous ones like that :P but back on topic!)

It's funny when I come home for the summer because at some point during it, I stray away and seem to lose sight of myself somewhere in the middle. I guess what matters is that I find out the direction that I'm going is actually something I don't want and do my best to get back on track again.

I have been so consumed by life and meeting peoples demands and trying to figure out what I need to do and figuring out my own personal goals I want to accomplish that I had strayed away from the basics. These so-called basics include: my faith life, my family life, and my friend life.

I guess it's always an adjustment going to and coming from a passionately Catholic university. Suddenly coming back to the real world is like air that had grown accustomed to being in a bubble for so long that when it popped the inner air is forced to mingle with the outside air, that wasn't as comfortable or as clean as the air within the bubble. The air outside the bubble has clean air, but there is also polluted air as well. The mixings of all the different types of air plus the adjustment of being outside the bubble can get overwhelming. I guess in a way, it's much easier maintaining consistency with things because of how my university is, it's meant to support but could also be a crutch if you're not prepared to follow it out into the world and bring it with you. I feel like I do that, but there are times where I just lose sight of myself, ya know? I mean, I'm not perfect. I struggle with keeping up with my devotionals at times, I need a cheat sheet for the mysteries of the rosary, and I sin just as much as the next guy. The thing that blocks me is that I let those things accumulate to where they bog me down and start to bother me.

Concerning my family life, I've recognized a series of small things that if not treated soon could metastasize to something greater (definitely not for the good, like cancer or something). Little things, like inconsistencies, miscommunications, not eating a meal together or praying together as a family, these little things add up and could eventually lead to problems. My behavior towards my family hasn't been the best lately. I haven't been working on putting my best foot forward and working on making progress. I guess I've admitted that I have a problem, but now I have to work towards making the situation better.

Friends. Wow, I'm an extrovert but lately I feel like I just want to separate myself from my friends. Have you ever felt that it was just too much to keep up with someone? That's how I feel. Out of all of my friends, it only seems like I have one exception that I surprisingly don't mind. I even told my sister that I feel like I would be okay if she was only friend. I think it's just that I've been isolating myself because I've gotten so busy, to the point that I'm comfortable that way. To be honest, talking with my friends just seems to overwhelm me for some reason. Hearing from people from school just makes me want to keep occupying myself and moving on. I thought it was just them, but whenever we were going to have a reunion of sorts a couple days ago consisting of friends from home, I didn't want to go. Of course, I felt so bad afterward, especially when one of my friends who I literally only see once a year (if I'm lucky) was there and he really wanted to see me. After I messaged him later he told me that he wished I was there, which makes me feel even worse. I'm trying to figure things out for myself and just need space, but by not communicating with people, it seems as if they're starting to think that I'm mad at them or I've forgotten about them.

I really am the worst at keeping up with people.

I can see how I can help suck the poison out concerning my friends, but I'm not ready to face them yet. I love school, but I'm not ready to be back in the swing of things. I can see how I can help suck the poison out of my family relations, but it's also hard because they know just how to provoke me. I can see how I can help to foster my relationship in my faith life, but I'm so much of a scatter brain I've been shutting down!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

But anyways, I'm still making improvements, slowly and slowly. That's okay though, because the thing that's keeping me going is the fact that I am improving, even if it is slowly. :)

Pinwheels. Carousels. Merry Go Rounds.

Sākuru de supin.

Spinning in circles.

Hello everyone! It's been awhile. Sorry about that.

My life has been an interesting ride lately. It goes back and forth from whirlwind to calm and everything in between. I guess that's how life usually is though, isn't it? ^_^ It's been good though, and for the most part despite all the crazy, I've been pretty content with it all. :) A little bit of distance and some self-reflection does tend to put things into a better perspective. The spring semester of my junior year ended with a rush of emotions that I tried my best to repress until I got home, but I just ended up breaking down and crying after all of the exciting events died down after my boyfriend's graduation.

It finally happened. Everything that I was trying to repress, everything that I was hiding inside finally bubbled to the surface. I knew I may not see some of these people ever again, no matter how much we might say that we'll keep in touch. To be honest, I'm the worst with keeping up with people and I know that. I guess that's why in the beginning, I felt a sense of being rushed. It seemed as though I had viewed everything as time slipping through my fingers and there was nothing that I could do about it. I think that's why I would be upset a lot of the time the fall semester of my junior year. I was also very lonely then. The second semester was better, but I guess sometimes I'm just really good at masking things that I even convince myself sometimes because I felt the blow after graduation. I knew I was already starting to feel it then but thought I could cover it up and just say that I was tired and that could cover up me being quiet and I could put my head down so no one could see what was happening on my face or the tears that were about to spill over at any moment. Then, one of my friends had to come in and say that they were depressed too, and for some reason that triggered everything. Saying goodbye was hard. I think it's always hard to some extent. But, goodbyes mean that you get to say hello to something else. The transition is difficult, and I think in hindsight I overestimated my ability to change and to accept that change. When I come back to school this Fall, I know that there won't be people there who I am used to seeing. I know that more people I'm really close to will soon leave, and then I'll eventually leave as well. We end that chapter of our life and move on to the next. It's really bittersweet to be honest. Everyone during graduations and the end of school years are always excited because of what's to come and feel accomplished at what they've achieved. I feel those too, but I can't brush off the feelings of being left behind and of leaving others behind. Of facing new things without necessarily having the stability that you've worked so hard to establish. Of being alone again. I guess my assumptions are correct: I am a terribly lonely person. I guess I'm really contradicting though, huh? You''d think that if I'm terribly lonely, I should be really good at keeping in touch with other people because maybe that won't make me feel alone. For some reason though, that just makes me hurt more. I don't like the feeling of missing people. I'm just now discovering how much it hurts me. I find it better to just focus on my current surroundings because it's just easier that way, even if it makes me more lonely. Familiar pain is better than foreign pain.

Things have honestly been going well though. I'm trying to volunteer at the hospital, clinics, and nursing homes to get my needed hours for my application for graduate school. Hopefully I'll get in. It's all in God's hands :) I went on vacation to the beach and it was wonderful. Everyday was full of fun and I even got to hold a shark! :D It was a baby one, but still! I've hung out with some friends and reconnected with others from my hometown and met up with some who are here for the summer as well. It's been nice to hear from them again and see how everything has changed and yet still the same. It's weird seeing some people who in my mind are still muchkins grow up. I will admit, it's nice being home despite leaving all of my college friends. The old familiarity never truly gets old. :) July is just around the corner and for me, that's always the middle of the summer where things will start to really pick up. especially for me. There's so many things that I need and want to get done before the Fall semester! I'm taking another online course with a lab, so I need to make sure that I stay consistent with that. I need to acquire some basic things and establish other things regarding my life and I just want to continue to explore everything and live life.

I'm going to be senior in college this Fall. It's still really hard for me to believe actually. I think I started this blog when I was in middle school and look at where I am now. It's funny seeing how I change and yet seeing that I'm still the same person

Life is full of surprises. It can get crazy and can sometimes make me wonder why I'm doing all of this or if I'm taking the right steps. It can make me want to scream and shout or want to hide from the world. However, despite all of the confusion, insanity, and all other punches it may throw at you, it's still beautiful and worthwhile. Every day is a new day. I don't know everything there is to know, but I'm learning to live and becoming who I am meant to be.

song: I actually wanted to post a song on here, but I couldn't decide. Just listen to a bunch of different songs by B2ST while reading this, because that's what I did while writing this LoL

Have a wonderful day! And if it doesn't seem wonderful, see what you can do to make it that way! Everyone needs to start somewhere, no matter how scary. You can do it! I believe in you! :D :D :D

Crazy long. My life! But still, "kiss me, kiss me baby" <3

For an English Translation:

http://www.kashigasa.com/silent-siren-stella-lyrics.html

I guess I just forgot. I forgot how nice it was to just be with you, to laugh at everything and nothing at the same time, to just be myself, and to love you. I can't believe I almost let those thoughts get to me. The foreseeing of what's to come. Four years of not being able to see you every day. Four years of being away from you. All the painful "what if's" that could happen in those four years. Last semester, I had to adjust to what life was going to be like, not getting to see you as much as I'd like to. A lot of time you saw me last semester, I was upset. What can I say? I missed you, and I was being selfish because I knew you had a lot of things to do, but I couldn't help feeling lonely, and then feeling bad for whatever time you had with me. I saw that you were so busy and that you had so much to do, so I figured "why should I bother? I can't spend time with him. He needs to be productive anyways." and it hurt. It hurt so much being so lonely, because the friends that I usually have to fall back on were also busy or on the other side of the world for the semester. I guess it's true. My favorite color, the color of my personality, the color of my scarf, the color of a lot of things that I own actually. My color must truly be purple, because purple is the color of terribly lonely people. My Anatomy and Physiology professor even felt bad and said to pray for those people who love the color purple, because they are so very lonely. I remember thinking that was funny, but I guess reflecting back on a lot of different things, I guess I am pretty lonely. I just cover it up by finding a way to realize that I can be perfectly fine without anyone and learn to occupy myself with so many things and learn to lose myself in things that I do so that I don't have to worry about realizing how I actually feel.

I caught myself doing the same thing this semester. I decided to join prayer teams, to spend so much time with so many friends, to not focus on how I feel and to just vent about everything and anything to God. I knew you were going to be even busier this semester than last semester, and so I figured that this was good practice for me. It was good because not being able to spend time with you because you were too busy or the timing was just inconvenient is something that I would have to get used to anyways. I mean, you graduate this year. Then there's next year without you, then graduate school for who knows where for me. Whenever I started getting lonely from missing being with you, I would just occupy myself with those things, including forcing myself to do school. I thought things were going great. That I could finally cope with everything because I had the fits and the fights last semester, but now that I'm surrounded with friends who actually make a point to spend a lot of their time with me, I can handle it. Now that I'm doing what I sincerely felt called to do, join prayer teams, I am able to be okay.

And then, it started to happen. I realized whenever we ended up spending time together, it wasn't like before. Don't get me wrong, it was nice and everything, but it became so routine. We agree to meet somewhere, say our hellos and tell each other a shallow version of how our days went. Then we agree to study together if the situation allows it. I would see how much more at ease I could be with just friends and how open I could be with those friends or even the acquaintances I've made through prayer teams compared to the time I would spend with you, where it seemed that productivity was the only thing that mattered. Even on the weekends, when I used to think that they were reserved for us and when we could spend an entire day together, faded away. I knew it was fine though. You had to get so much done, and it is your last year. You have friends you want to hang out with who you may never get an opportunity to spend with ever again. You have to go home to take care of things and spend time with your family as well, because I know that they miss you a lot. I understand that. I understand all of that.

I'm pretty sure that the moment I became aware of the subconscious walls was during my class, Spirituality in the Helping Professions. He gave a case study of this wife who just surrounded herself with church activities and focused on deepening her relationship with God as a way to get away from and not think about her dying relationship with her husband. My professor clarified that seeking a deeper relationship with God is always good, but not when it's to cover up and escape and run away from your problems. God is supposed to help you face those problems. I had an eye-opener moment and started reflecting on my life and realized that was in a way what I was doing. I was trying to see where I was with my boyfriend and trying to see where I was with God, and as a result of that my spiritual journey took a step back. I struggled for the balance, and as a result, I felt as though I was tending towards lukewarmness, and that started to bother me. I was being knocked out of my routine that I worked so hard to keep at because I knew that it was for the better for myself. I wasn't able to keep up with my devotional prayers or if I forced myself, I was unable to pray them sincerely from the heart. Then I guess that effected everything else. Sleeping habits, eating habits, even taking full care of myself properly. I mean, I could still function, it wasn't that dramatic of an alteration, but it was enough of an alteration for me to notice and to be concerned and unsteady.

And then, one of my good friend broke up with his girlfriend, who so happened to be one of my best friends. No one saw it coming. Whenever I was comforting my best friend (the girl), she kept asking all these questions that I was trying to help her figure out. One thing I've discovered about my good friend (the guy) is that he's a very futuristic-oriented person who realizes that friends come and go. He also doesn't know how to deal with long-distance relationships and tends to over-analyze and over-think things and fears the unknown and sometimes runs away from things if they're too stressful. Unfortunately, there's a little part of me that's very similar to him, but I'm usually able to drown out the thoughts that come from that side with other things. But, I can't help realize that all the possibilities I could come up with for why he broke up with her were very very similar to possible reasons why I would think it would be best to break up with my boyfriend. I feel terrible knowing that I've contemplated this and even more so that it came to the point where I didn't completely get rid of those thoughts. I mean, my way of thinking was: "whatever path I ended up choosing, whatever pain that I would have to endure, and if I would end up going down, I wouldn't want someone that I love so deeply to go down with me. Also, the thought of four years of long distance. I wouldn't want him to go through all of that hurt. Imagine what he could accomplish in those four years. Imagine how much more he could do, without me. If I called it off now, it would save him so much hurt. Yeah, the initial break-off would hurt. It always does. But then, he could hate me. That's fine. He could blame me for everything and say that it was all my fault. He could even regret me, as much as that hurts to say and even type about. But then, he'll learn that he can be just fine without me, and then he could move on. He'll find someone new, because he's an amazing man and I know that he has a long line of girls just wishing that he would give them the time of day. His suffering won't be long, and he'll forget about me. He'll be happy. He could be happy, without me. And knowing that he could be happier without me, will be enough consolation for me. I wouldn't hate myself too much for breaking it off if he's happy." But for me, I know that I would most likely just revert back to how things used to be inside. A locked door, and within that door, still several walls, and within those walls, an eternal winter. But then, I listened to everything that my best friend had to say. All the hurt she's experiencing and what she firmly believed and depth of connection that she has for him, and that has helped me realize that all those thoughts are just illusions. I almost let my fears and doubts take over. I was even praying to God asking what would be the best direction to take concerning my romantic relationship. Those thoughts would come to mind, but I would still hold on to this vision I had randomly while praying at the chapel. I firmly believe it was God, because it wasn't a dream. It was so quick and it felt as though I was actually there and I had such a strong conviction of what I saw and what was happening and how happy I was after the initial "what just happened?" moment occurred. I'm so glad God convinced me to keep hanging on.

I was also so grateful for the sacrament of Reconciliation. I mentioned the step back I had taken in my spirituality and the priest told me that the great thing is that I've taken this step so I can get back up and try again. And I took that to heart. I tried. I kept up with my devotion, daily Bible readings for Lent, actually genuinely enjoying being with my boyfriend. But something was still off. I still felt that my prayer was forced, and I didn't like that. I wanted to do all those things because I love God and wanted to do those things out of love of Him, not because I just felt it was my duty to. The Festival of Praise (FOP) did wonders for me. While praying for this upcoming Festival, as a member of the prayer team, we had to pray for what it is God wants the theme to be. A word that came up to me was "hope" and then when my boyfriend asked me and I was telling him about it, I thought of "newness" and had an image of budding yellow tulips for some reason. I didn't think much of it until my meeting, where everything made sense. It's so funny because it's the message that was given to me as the theme for the FOP, but it was also a message that I so desperately needed. It's even funnier because the prayer team that I was assigned also needed that same message, and even people who came to us asking for prayers. Then, last night, during intercession holy hour, I was given a scripture verse that I knew was a personal message for me.
1 Peter 1:22-25
"Since you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth for sincere mutual love, love one another intensely from a [pure] heart. You have been born anew, not from perishable but from imperishable seed, through the living and abiding word of God, for 'All flesh is like grass, and all its glory like the flower of the field; the grass withers, and the flower wilts; but the word of the Lord remains forever." This is the word that has been proclaimed to you."

And that was just one of a lot of little affirmations here and there that all is well, and that I should still hang on, and that I would be ridiculous for thinking otherwise.