Hmmm.... Okay, so I am posting on here because I'm just getting frustrated. And, I don't know, I feel like I am having to adapt to a new world code or some shit that everybody else is realizing but me. Probably because my college is this hippie bu...
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Hey guys. Bluh? What up? I'm so tired right now... I wanna' watch a new anime, but I don't know what. I'm keeping up with One Punch Man (which is fabulous, FYI), I finished Princess Tutu and sobbed liked a baby... I tried to watch Naruto Shippuden, but I read to the end of the second season online, and the episodes are sooooo drawn ouuuuut that it is difficult. But, on the other hand, I really want to watch the fight scenes in all their glory... Because I looove fighting anime, which is why Yu Yu Hakusho is one of my top favorites, and One Punch Man is getting there too, especially since it's a parody. Funny and Fightful: my favs. So I'm just battling with what to watch currently. Oh well.
Eh, anyways, that isn't the entire reason I'm on here. To be honest I think.... I should move on from this place? I don't know, I kind of find that I'm... "outgrowing" a lot of things, you could say. Like, I don't know, I had this realization thing last week, and I talked with my psychologist, and it's like.... Hm. I swear it's real this time, though. It's not, like, the thing where I beat myself up and say I'm a terrible person and that I should never ever ever ever talk or show myself again. Ever. I mean, that's pretty much how it came about... but it didn't end like that. I was like, lamenting how much I hate school, and how much my life has sucked, and I was thinking about getting a job and going through college, and like, dispelling some myths I had about being a, like, "talented individual," and how it didn't matter if I wasn't one because life would be a lot of the same shit. Capitalist American shit, you know.
But a few days before I had written a piece for a class about how my third grade teacher bullied me the entire year, and then something clicked where I was like, ".... Wow.... I've been bullied and abused and neglected all throughout my life. Maybe that's why I hate school and I don't feel like trying will get me anywhere because I've been taught that nothing can save me from being worthless." So when I mentioned it to my psychologist, we talked about how it was probably because I'm in a safe place now here at college, probably the safest I've ever been, and I have started to mentally explore in different ways some stuff that has happened to me. So, like, rearranging a puzzle to create a new, probably better, maybe not "correct," picture. Which is strikingly accurate to what my professor from my education class last year said to me, which was to "rewrite Xan's past." Spooky psychic professor? Maybe.
So... here I am, now. And I just... kind of feel like I should, I don't know, move away from some stuff? Like, I never go on here anyways... I guess. But I don't really... blog anywhere else. Nobody wants to listen to me, maybe besides you guys. I dropped facebook and twitter just recently too. I guess people don't tend to pay attention to me on social media sites because my involvement is erratic and I don't say anything mushy or super watery and sympathetic, mostly because that stuff is usually pretty dumb? I get sick of putting, like, positive feelings into false hopes and shallow posts and shit, and doing that stuff is probably what is expected of me entirely. Maybe also because I say stupid things and sometimes negative things. I'm here for the cold hard facts, which includes some serious deep and painful soul searching. Which is usually why I go overboard and hate myself, but now it is... different. I have found a real reason for my stubborn, sporadic, furious, and infuriating behavior, and I am giving myself a break for once.
I think that I used to be a pretty egotistical kid, maybe pretty confident at one point, but I could also be very delicate and deal with things delicately. But I just kept being taught that force, and excess force at that, was necessary, so I adopted that and began just fucking fighting every single thing. And I started with myself.
Uh... wow, that was long. Just a lot to say that I am finding stuff out, and working through stuff that's kind of scary to go through because I forget things easily, so I may forget what I've been thinking and working through. So, I think, maybe, as I figure stuff out, I may not be on this site much longer? I feel like I should let some things go. This might be one. I do have a lot of history here.... But who knows.
Eh.
Yo what up. I was thinking lately about getting back on, so I did. It feels like it has been forever, but probably not. And I'm just here to be over dramatic about things as always, so no changes.
I'm unsure anymore about what is real regarding my feelings, I think. I over react a lot. A LOT. So I'm not sure.... what is considered important or not regarding how I think about myself. I was talking with my therapist on campus and she now thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is basically that I grew up in an unstable household where I had to adapt to my surroundings very quickly in order to stay out of trouble, and so now I have an unstable identity. It's got nothing to do with borderlines, that title is just outdated. And I think that she is right... I can be a people-pleaser at times too. I try to fit people's expectations to get them to like me.
God, this is so stupid! I just... post and freak out about thing after thing, and I'm never happy, and I hate myself, and.... Fuck! I think people just get fucking sick of it! I need constant affirmations that I shouldn't need, and then I will freak out again and again and again over stupid minuscule shit because I'm a drama queen. And people must get sick of it. Like, Oh, there goes Xan again! Big Fucking Surprise! ... I've filled up journal after journal for six fucking years probably doing exactly this. Just.... Trying to "Fix Myself" and freaking out, and saying the same exact shit. I don't remember any of what I wrote so it probably is the exact same shit I worry about everyday.
I'm just... so cowardly. I can't stick up for myself at all. I don't ever act like I should have a place in the world or ever deserve it. Even my boss told me, while we were working, to, "Grow a backbone." I just let myself be pushed around and stepped on because I don't think I deserve anything. Probably because I just want to fucking die, ha ha. I don't know if I had this mindset before I attempted suicide or if I developed it in order to let myself try to die. Or maybe I got it from... other people treating me like I was nothing. I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive.
Man, you people must get tired of me posting every damned day.
It's pretty much official: nobody wants to hang out with me. Not even one of my best friends at college. I'm just so... I don't know. Unlikable? Angry? Awkward? Overbearing? Judgmental? Or maybe just... not entirely there. Because I depersonalize. I realized I still do it. I don't have any emotions regarding my freshmen dorm, and everybody else hated it. I don't realize any reasons to hate it. I don't categorize events as good or bad: my nanny dies, I know it has to happen. I don't call it a bad thing because she was suffering and death is inevitable. I don't call it a good thing because I'm sad and will never see her again. I don't realize any changes in atmosphere, I don't realize anything! I'm just self-absorbed and angry and sad. And I'm angry and sad because I'm self-absorbed. But if I start to ignore this anger and sadness, I start to feel funny. I don't feel right. Almost like I'm not entirely present in the situation.
I bottle things up. Maybe that's an issue. I don't speak my mind and become passive-aggressive. But most of my complaints are petty and stupid! I just get so upset over the smallest of things! I'm such a drama queen! AUGH! I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I hate myself. I wish I could jump into a bonfire. Or into a canyon. Or just rot away in a ditch. I need love and support, BUT NO! I push everyone away so I DON'T get that love and support!
Maybe because I think I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am being dramatic. And then when I calm down, I just forget about it. Everything is okay again. It all melts away. THAT'S why I'm dramatic. Because otherwise I am numb.
I hate this. I can't. I can't, that's it, I can't. I just should be alone and not feel anything for the rest of my life. Live in a cabin out in the woods and just watch the sun rise and set, rise and set, rise and set until I feel nothing. Until I think nothing. Until I am nothing.
Shake your body right.
Beep beep! Everybody outta' the way! I got a nice truckload full of explosive self-obsessed thoughts, and it's currently on fire, raging down a steep hill, headed straight for town! Wuh-oh!!
Man, like, it is hard making new friends. Like wow. I'm so self-absorbed, I guess??? Eh. I think my only real problem is that I gotta' treat myself nicer so I can treat other people nicer. Like, you know, the whole, "Do unto others as they do unto you," type deal. Except, instead, I gotta' want to be treated nicely instead of like shit so I can treat others nicely and not like shit. Usually I think I'm a terrible person, so I think everybody should, like, be rude to me and think me vermin. And so that must come out in how I treat others as well.
I don't think I should have to change the rest of myself or anything at the moment, though. That may change, but that's okay. I'm working shit out.
Hmmmmm. Today at work was pretty interesting. I think I am pretty dramatic, though. Which is a problem. So maybe that as well. I just freak out?? Ugh.
Lolbye
