I remember this one time in preschool where the weekend was going to be crazy sock weekend. But I was instead going to visit my dad and was going to miss crazy sock weekend. I remember I was upset, if only for a moment. I wanted to be like the other kids and participate in crazy sock weekend because most of the time I just wandered around alone. And I didn't want to see my dad. Not because he was bad to me. I just this feeling that... Well, maybe I did. I got the feeling that it wasn't for me that we were going. It was for my mom. They had split up at that point... but it was complicated.
The main point of all of this is that I stopped myself from saying anything about not wanting to go, or maybe I just didn't say too much, because it made it seem like I didn't want my dad, or love him. I was trying too hard to impress others. Trying too hard to... do something that didn't feel right.
I don't know why I felt the need to say that. I just did.