Chapter 19: What did you do?
-Hei-
I grabbed Doc’s collar from across the desk and brought his close face to mine. “What did you give her?” I asked.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He laughed sheepishly.
“Damn tell me!” I shouted in his face.
“Hei.” I heard Katara say with fear in her voice.
I pushed Doc back into his seat as I let go of his collar. “You ever hurt her, I swear I will kill you.” I warned and turned away and stormed out of the room.
“Hei wait.” I heard Katara call after me but I just broke into a run. I didn’t want to be around anyone right now. I needed time to clear my head and think.
What the hell did he give her? Why was she afraid to tell me? I don’t get it. I hate this, why is it that I can’t talk to her straight and it seem the only time I can get out a full sentence with out stuttering was when I was screaming at Doc or being dead serious? Before I knew it I was at my secret place in the woods. I took a deep breath and release a shaky one. My vision started to blur and I leaned against a tree and slid down it as I felt hot tears slip down my cheeks.
Why do I feel so hurt by what I did? I shouldn’t feel like this. I’m not the type of person that deals with feelings like this. Why was I always getting so worked up? Damn it…was it my depression kicking in again?
I pulled my legs into my chest and cried into my knees. “Damn it…why do I have to hide behind a wall? Why can’t I just show how I feel about people? Why am I so shy?” I asked myself and I was answered by silence.
What was there for me anyways? After what I said and did why would Katara or even Doc want to talk to me again? I don’t understand myself and I never will. I don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe it would be easier for me to just be alone for the rest of my life. Isolated from others where no one can talk to me and no one can see me. But isn’t that where I was now? I don’t feel like I’m ever myself. I don’t even know what myself really is. It’s pathetic that I’m so quiet and shy.
“Hei.” I snapped my head up and Katara was standing bent over me looking at me.
I instantly looked away from her pulling my legs in a little tighter. “H-how did you know where I was?” I asked her quietly. “I-I didn’t that that anyone k-knew about this place.”
“Well I like to wander around and take pictures sometimes. I just didn’t that this I was going to find you here.” She said.
“Y-your lying.” I answered resting my head on my knees once again.
“Why would you say that?” She asked a bit confused.
“Because I-I can tell in your voice.” I replied not looking at her.
“I’ll tell you how I found this place later.” I felt her put a hand on my shoulder but I didn’t move. “Will you come back to the dorms with me. It’s getting cold out.”
“Y-you go.” I told her.
“Hei…” She sighed a little. “You can trust me I promise. Please come back with me.” She asked and I finally looked up to see her hand in front of my face as she stood there waiting for me to take her hand.
She’s not going to go away is she? I sighed and stood up on my own putting my hands in my pockets. Her hand went back to her side and I started walking back towards the academy. We kept quiet and didn’t say anything to each other. I knew that I had to go take my pills but…I really didn’t want to see Doc right now. But if I don’t go take them I’m going to keep slipping deeper.
“Hei, are you okay?” Katara broke the silence. I jumped a little because I didn’t realize that she came up next to me.
I quickly looked away from her. Why did I feel really awkward around her? “I-I’m fine.” I answered.
“You’re really quiet, that’s why I figured I would ask.” She told me.
“I-I’m always quiet.” I answered. Even though that’s not what I wanted to say to her. I wanted to talk to her more I just couldn’t get myself to do it.
“Have you taken your pills today?” She asked and I didn’t look at her I just want back to looking straight ahead of us.
“N-no.” I answered.
“Then you need to see Doc.” She answered.
I shook my head a little. “I-I don’t want t-to see him.” I told her making a fist in my pocket.
“Hei it’s not good if you don’t go and take your pills. You could really hurt yourself.” She said.
“I-I know.”
“So go see him.” I looked over at her again. She had that gentle smile on her face. But at the same time it was almost like a sad smile.
“Fine.” I said quietly. She wasn’t going to met me go back to the dorms with out seeing him anyways. I knew that I was after then her but with her I didn’t want her to get lost in the woods.
