Dreams...
Dreams is that wonderful feeling when you know you're doing something right.
It's when the harshness of reality begins to quiet and your heart sings.
It's that look when you see yourself in the mirror and smile, knowing who you really are.
Dreams is the one thing that drives me, soothes me and keeps me alive.
It's the world I live in, the world of dreams... This wonderful, wonderful world.
This fulfilling world...
This world that is in my heart and thankful soul.
Wow I actually manage to put out another world post within a week! Congratulations to me haha! I actually wanted to talk about something that happened to me recently. I'm sure talking about it will help me process it more.
A Change In Dreams?
As everyone probably know by now, I LOVE making fake sweets and I always wanted a business in it, thus The Candy Sanctuary was born a few years ago. In fact it was my dream to make TCS into a big business, something that I could live off of while doing what I truly loved. I've spend years on trying to perfect my skills to make that happen and it's been a hard and tired road. But unfortunately that dream has been put to rest.
My dream, of having that big business, putting all that effort and time into it, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. It's not just that, but I wanted to travel around to conventions to sell my work, make miscellaneous items like cell phone charms, stationary, jewelry and the like to sell. I just don't feel that is my passion anymore, I can't see myself putting in so much of my life energy into it. Not to say that I don't enjoy those things or would never pursue in doing those things, but I can't find myself focusing my "core energies" in it.
This realization came to me about 2 weeks ago. I was on the computer like now when I thought about TCS and somehow, it didn't feel right. I just couldn't see myself doing it anymore. It shocked me but when I let those emotions flow, I knew that it didn't resonate with me anymore. I wanted to do something more, to help people. What that is however, I don't know yet, though I do have a bread crumb trail to follow. As of now, nonetheless, I don't have a "dream". Pretty ironic being that I'm such a huge supporter and emotional cheerleader for finding and following your dreams haha!
Since I decided to follow my own dream, I was lead to many things and even to overhaul my life a few months back, so maybe my dream fulfilled itself somehow in a way I didn't expect. I'm sure I wasn't meant to be what I thought I wanted to be, but to be something bigger and more appropriate for myself that is slowly unraveling in front of me at this moment.
As far as what I feel I want to do, all I can really say is I want to do something more humanitarian like. I want to help the world be a better place somehow, and I can't say that was my reasons for making TCS. I just wanted to support myself with something I loved and that was it, I could care or less about the world around me. Looking back, that was probably a more selfish dream then I wanted to admit to myself, but I grew a lot since then.
I think that through finding out more about myself while changing my life granted me more personal power and control over my life. Most of all, I learned that doing something out of pure love grants more wishes then doing something for purely material reasons.
I've been doing a lot of free readings lately for the sake of loving what I do and providing people something they find comfort in, and my business sky rocketed, I felt good about myself, and started to love doing things for the benefit of just doing them, than trying to sag a potential costumer. I also learned that the world has a strange way of providing all of your wants and needs when you start doing it yourself, from a place apart of competition, lack and selfishly wanting.
It feels nice to be in the "flow" of life than trying to fight for the smallest of things. Feeling like you have to trample the competition just to get what you want. When you start giving yourself to people, in a loving and pure way, you'll be shown the same. It will only brighten your life and increase the love you have for whatever you're doing, which in turn goes right back to the people/cause/world that you're serving, isn't that such a beautiful thing? :D
But yeah, I'm going to keep following my heart to wherever I'm needed and wanted so I can be the person I need and want to be, so I can share that with the world. :)
Take care, I'm sure to update this world again soon!
Long time no see huh? Well, I have tons of great updates for you all!
New World Order!
First you probably noticed the change of my world! I wanted to change it for a while. I loved my k-pop but it was simply too dark and simple for my over the top tastes haha! So when I had a chance today (about 2-3 days ago now lol) I did some photoshop magic on one of my favorite pictures. I absolutely loved how it came out! I also got the background at this awesome place. It made the change so much easier, the world background is always the hardest part! But yeah, a new world theme, something a bit more heavenly and calm. :D
Zenkaicon wrap up (Long post!)
As you all know I went to my home con, Zenkaicon, a few weeks back as a gopher op. Well the trip was pretty rad! I went with my friend Brandon, Jeremy and Jeremy's brother (forgot his name lol). The only thing was that I was feeling really low key (anti-social) so when it came to all the people and stuff, I was slightly annoyed. This was more on the second day. The first day was great, it just sucked sitting in a chair all day, I wanted to get up and take pictures and everything.
The best part of the con was of course the dealers room and the raves! I met up with SiSero again and talked to her. She is simply amazing and a great inspiration to all artists everywhere! It was great catching up with her again. It was really grounding because no sooner I walked inside the dealers room my head wanted to explode. It was simply too much going on for me. However, in the mass confusion I snagged a sweet Super Junior poster that I have yet to hang up, hell my bags are still in the living room as we speak LOL!
The first night's concert was so rad! I danced with the con goers and had such a great time. Then the rave started and OMG I can't tell you how much fun I had! We had our little dancing group and everything! I was showing off my belly dancing moves and even got up in the middle of the dancing circle! I can say that I probably feel the most free at the raves. It's like nothing in the world matters but the music and the good vibes that's spreading all around! After the first night of dancing omg I was so tired. From the waist down felt like the soggiest noodle ever. I could barely move, you could of mistake me for a drunk big time!
The second day was great but again, I was a lot more annoyed not with anyone but just the sensory overload thing. Which is funny because the nicest women came around the gofer's table and started to give everyone massages! She said that she tend to get hyper and energetic during anime conventions so she gives massages to get rid of the extra energy. She gave me one and it felt good, not to mention that I was quite sore from the Saturday night rave. She was super sweet and we had the same exact tripp pants on too!
Hmm, nothing else really happened but I was dying to buy something worth while and I couldn't' find anything that I liked enough to buy. I actually started to get depressed about it. It's like my tastes changed, I just didn't want to buy any useless items, which was probably a good thing anyway because after wards, on the forums, a con goer mentioned that almost all the anime goods providers had fake merchandise. So yeah.
WHAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF THOUGH was I brought some mochi and this awesome FF13 poster and that day the staff hauled it off while they started to clean up the con. I was so pissed, like genuinely pissed that lasted for days, something I haven't had in a while.
The con was only 2 days so it went rather fast. The day where we were suppose to help clean up (Sunday: breaking down the con) we woke up and were super slow on getting out of the hotel so we pretty much missed it. It was quite fun and I was glad that we missed it exactly haha! We went to watch The Avengers in 3D at the Imax movie theater. The movie was so awesome and omg I never found American actors so attractive before, I was quite surprised! Loki, Thor and Captain America was by far the cutest, I was stunned at their beauty hahaha!
The only thing was the theater was really cold so right in the middle of the movie I was falling asleep. That and the movie popcorn had a lot to be desired. Brandon tried to get hot popcorn but it was always luke warm which is disappointing. The prices were pretty ridiculous too, two medium drinks, large popcorn and the popcorn seasoning came up to $20 freaking dollars even! Like WTF, simple crap like that shouldn't be that expensive! But other then those things it was really fun, the 3D was so amazing. I always forget how much I love the movies! I should probably start going by myself as a treat!
Overall, the con weekend was such a blast! I actually recorded the whole trip with my camera in small intervals. Most of which is still at Brandon's, that and my pictures that I took. There were amazing cosplays there too!
A Booming Business!
My angel reading business have strangely blossomed this month! This month was the best month I ever did so far! It's so strange too because one Saturday after I stopped advertising my site for weeks, people just started pouring in. I have gotten 4 orders that day! It's been getting better since, people are actually starting to buy and I'm getting repeat customers that really love my readings! I also been getting lots of positive feedback too on my blog so that other people can see how well I do. It's just so amazing, this is something that I wanted for so long now, some real success! :D
That and my life changes have been going well! I've been breaking down some tough emotional walls and I've been doing a lot better as a result, I'm sure that contributed in my business success!
More Creativity
I've been drawing a lot more lately, some line arts and sketches. I have yet to post any of them. I am completely out of whack in my uploading habits honesty. Posting art hasn't been on the top of my list for a long time now even though I post here and there. I guess between me just not being creative and my perfectionist attitude, it's hard to really post anything and be "okay" with it.
My more finished stuff I'm fine with but since I've gotten more impatient then ever with my art, a lot of my works have been unfinished! I just have so many ideas that I can't stand to just sit and work on one picture at a time anymore. That and I have my other hobbies and such that do take up time.
BUT, I've been in this phrase before, and I recognize the pit falls of my creativity habits. I have to re-learn to have fun with my pictures, stop trying to be perfect, have patience and be more daring in my artistic pursuits! I had that state of mind before my life went to shit city where my art flourished! Once last summer came around it was all over. Now it's like I'm trying to find my artistic self again. It's not all bad though, that huge break gave me a lot of time to think about my art in relation to my life. Things can only get better from here! :D
Well, I'm going to end it here because this post is mega long! I actually had another important topic to talk about but I'll save it for later. I want to try to get into the habit of posting weekly again, but time escapes me all the time haha! We'll see like everything else haha!
Thank you everyone that read my long world post, wished me a happy birthday (May 14th) and supported me all throughout everything! :D Love you all! Take care!
This will be an emotional and personal post so bear with me here...
A lot of changes have been happening to me lately. A lot of positive changes in fact! Since I started overhauling my life, things have gotten a lot better for me. I feel different, see things differently and just have a different outlook on life, at least a more enhanced one.
With all these changes do come with personal challenges, which I've been facing one by one on my own, but this one I have never saw coming.
Since I could remember, I was afraid to "stick out". It's kind of silly at first but I was instantly shy (and still am LOL) as a kid. I hated socializing with my peers because it was like being a piece of meat being thrown into a pack of wolves. I never really grew out of that but it got worst when I was in elementary school.
I have a deep voice, I sound different from most girls and what people might expect. I always had that kind of voice and I remember the bullshit I use to get for it.
In elementary school, I would say "anything" and for some reason it would instantly make me a target. I use to hate it and honestly, it would hurt me a lot. I didn't understand why my class mates would that to me and I honestly still don't understand now. It started around 1st grade so I'm 6 years old or something, but I still remember how much it hurt me. It made me not want to be apart of anything, I wanted to stay as unnoticeable as possible.
It also made me more nervous and shy around people. I was already a one of those "quiet" kids, but even when I wanted to speak up or do something I wouldn't do it to avoid any conflict.
I would never know how much it would effect me in my life. I'm to the point in life where I have to change. Become a better person, be more honest, real and finally grow into the person I know I am. But I'm so deathly afraid of "sticking out" I stop myself from doing that. I make excuses, hide from it or flat out deny it. I literally keep myself from being the best I can be.
I've been facing my inner demons for a few months now, but this is by far the hardest thing I have to face. I didn't even know that my bullied past had so much influence over me. I only mentioned the key theme here, but a lot happened that really hurt me and probably tainted my faith in people. But I have to forgive my past and let it go because it's not helping me grow anymore.
It made me a lot tougher at the expense of my emotional sensitivity, but honestly it just made me into a colder person. I didn't want to get too close to anyone and I expected deceit in someway from everyone. I didn't' trust people and with good reason. Being teased for the way you SOUND and just being who you are puts you in an awkward position. It makes you think that this world is full of nasty people, especially your peers since they are so quick to judge a person.
I wished so bad that maybe, I would be liked more in my past, looking back. I can't say what made me really stick out as a person but I know that being who I was, I had no reason to be picked on, hell no one does. But I have to let it go and finally move on. I carried the years of hurt and pain for way too long. To the point that I disconnected myself form it, where I don't like to think about or be brought back to that place emotionally. When I see all those bullying topics, I can't bear to watch because I get enraged.
I feel angry, sad and like I want to cry right now haha. I can't believe that I'm feeling these feelings again.
I don't know, I felt compelled to write this even though this topic is probably one of the most emotionally traumatic for me.
I guess I just want to show how much your past can hurt and how even though you might feel ingrained in it, you can change it. Because allowing this to come back to me, I can make things right. Where I don't have to feel like I'll be in deep shit because of who I am and I stick out somehow. I can be who I am fully in front of others and be okay. I won't replay that mental tape over and over again about how much those kids teased or disliked me for basically nothing.
I can be okay with myself and let myself be okay with myself. I will be no longer be at the mercy of the past that says nothing about who I really am. And that feels damn good if you ask me...
So yeah, I guess I'm taking the time out to type out my feelings as well as (once again) show you all how soft and squashy I am inside.
Oh yeah... I'm totally 23 years old right now (yet I feel like I'm still 12) gosh I seem so old compared to the general demographic here LOL.
Anyway, thank you all for listening if you did, you all deserve a cookie! :)
Hey everyone just a quick post to say that I won't be here for the next 3-4 days! I'm going to staff at Zenkaikon! My birthday will be on Monday so I'll be going out then as well! (I expect presents from ALL of you!)
I'll have an epic place where I can see a lot of the stage acts so I'll make sure I get plenty of videos and pictures!
I guess before I officially start, I finally uploaded some new art! It's called Bubble Gum Beauty, go and check it out!
Speaking of art, I think a lot of this post will include my honest thoughts about my relationship with my art and the rest of the world. ( NNOOPPPEEE sorry about that this post has NOTHING to do with that subject as it turns out lol)
Update on My Life Overhaul
But first a general update, since my last world post I've been keeping my word to changing my life. I've been doing my belly dancing exercise work out 5 days a week for a whole month. I feel the difference in my body and I love it, I think I see some changes too. Now I'm trying to learn the actual dance so I can well, belly dance haha! I fell in love with it years ago but was too shy and embarrassed to try to learn it (read dancing by myself) on my own. But I've gotten over that fear so I'm a lot more willing and determined to learn!
I've been eating a lot more healthier, my parents are buying more healthy things for me so that helps 10 fold. Besides the intense cravings I had once or twice I haven't been snaking on junk food, at least a lot less now, I'm a lot (even) more conscious about what I eat.
Your ideal boy/girlfriend? | How I feel about relationships
As far as my emotional health, I've been doing a lot to face all my fears and issues still and I see great improvement because of it. I'm a lot happier, more content and not so wrapped up in the small things in life, it's a great feeling! I went as far as getting a book on love and relationships that's really helping me get over my fears about love. Which goes into my question(s) to you all! Do you have an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend? Are you afraid of "falling" in love or being in a committed relationship? Do you shun love (relationship wise) but are a true romantic at heart? (like me XD)
I know, it's so embarrassing! I'll be honest (like I'm never honest on here really) I freaking LOVE romance. I mean the bubbly, fantasy, dream world and fairy tale kind of romance. Full of that being whisk away by some mysterious (and hot) stranger in some fairy tale dream land that doesn't exist on earth. Then to find out his a prince or some kind of magical (and hot) guardian thing *brain explodes* I just can't get enough of it, I really can't.
Speaking of just that, I recently watched spirited away after not seeing it in YEARS, and omg I love that movie so much. I've been dying to watch it again after I watched it for the second time but I haven't been in the right "mood" for it. Haku is so awesome, I love his voice and personality GAHHHH. He's hardcore without being a freaking douche bag and has this obvious sweet side to him. Not to mention he's a real cutie (pedobear much he looks like he's freaking 12).
Getting back to the original topic, yes, I LOVE love and romance but the idea of being in a relationship I was always "MEH" to me. Granted I only "really" wanted a boyfriend once in my life honestly, every other time was pretty much me fantasying (anime/video game/k/j-pop boyfriends anyone?) then an actually wanting one LOL. That and I'm fiercely independent with a tall order of the lone wolf syndrome, so yeah, relationships were never on my list of things to do. With that said, I love having friendships, I feel that friendships are more stable and reliable, they always seem to mean more to me then the having a idea of being with someone.
BUT I'm willing to let go of my preconceived ideas about how hopeless, flaky and hugely RETARDED relationships/people can be. To open my heart where maybe I can met someone even though I won't be actively looking for one or even sure I want one. Or... Let me rephrase that, open my heart where it's not as closed off to people. Not so I can find Mr.Right, he'll probably find me anyway, but so that I can be able to love and give more naturally to anyone. So when he does come along, I'll be able to accept him (or reject him lovingly LOL) and not want to hide under a rock because of my own fears and doubts.
Plus, knowing that us, ourselves, are solely responsible for ourselves and not give our power to anyone else to make us happy or sad takes the scary out of it. Yes, I'm sharing my heart with you, but you have no power to break it (or other wise) ultimately. So even though I'm " vulnerable" I never gave up my OWN power to another person. I'm still whole, sane and worthy for true and real love. And if it doesn't work out, guess what, it wasn't meant to be anyway and I'll probably spot the red flags and have enough guts to move on before the relationship takes a nasty turn.
But yeah... My LONG thoughts of relationships and where I stand about them lol.
K-POP FEVER!
Before I go, I've been watching more k-pop bands last night, mostly girl ones and OMG they have some of the cutest songs and videos. Even though I'm not a fan of more blaring hip hop/rap/too sexy songs/dance/videos, I love the ones that still has that "cuteness" or something that makes it k-pop and not "insert American singer/rapper in a different language" thing. I don't think the songs are bad or anything, just not my style... what so ever...
Okay last thing, again LOL! I freaking love U-Kiss! I've been watching their variety show "U-kiss Vampire and omg they are so freaking funny! I never been in love with a band as much as this one. Everyone is so sweet and/or silly I want to huggle them all! Seriously, if you need a laugh or just watch something different I highly recommend that! Just watching them outside of the music videos makes me love the music even more! :D
Okay that's it, this was a huge post! Maybe I'll post my thoughts about art on a later date (read in a month or two LOL)
Don't forget the question/thoughts about your ideal boy/girlfriend! :D
