Hey everyone
Wow its been a over a month or 2 since my last journal post not to mention a real life one. Well, since then a lot of stuff happened so this will be a extra bulky post for those who love reading my misadventures. XD
Honestly life have been very up and down for me, I can't even begin haha. My confidence have been like a roller coaster since every time I seem to go out the box and put myself out there SOMEONE has to be ragey. The first time was my mom when she saw the videos I made for my angel readings. Despite the fact I was saying some great positive stuff that I thoroughly enjoyed, my mom totally came at me tipsy and ruined my perfect day about it.
Me and Brandon was playing Eternal Sonata (an rpg) and my mom told me she had something important to tell me. I was right in the middle of a boss battle so I told her to hold on and my mom sat on the bed with us waiting for me to get off the game. I thought someone close in the family died or something because she never does that so I was really on edge. So when I got up and go to my mom's room all she wanted to talk about was the videos, I was super pissed. She didn't like the fact that people can see into the house, which I understood and told her I would delete the videos. Granted the backdrop of the videos is nothing spectacular in anyway nor is there any sensitive material or clues where people can see and find out where I live and kill the family. D:< Because that's all my mom sees and hears from the tiny bit of video that my sister showed her. (my sister had nothing to do with my mom being upset about it btw)
Like I said before my mom was tipsy and I HATE being around my mom when she's like that so I told her I would delete the videos and I try to leave out the room. Then my sister and mom was having a bitch fit over me "not listening" and whatever. I totally heard my mom and her concerns, I wanted to end this conversation before I totally go off on my mom for the nth time. I have so much backed up resentment for my mom that it can kill an African elephant. I'm so very close to snapping/having a meltdown/call the fucking cops because I'm going to coke out my mother and burn down the house mode and my mom doesn't even realize it. The crap she put me through when she's drinking, being a complete dick and douche bag makes me want to live on the street just to get away from her, or do something extreme and spiteful so she can "see what the hell her drinking is causing".
Its mind boggling when I explain to her "I can't talk to you when your drunk" and she says "why?". I tell her why, more then likely yelling and cussing because I'm so fed up and she just doesn't get it. Its like I'm talking to a fucking wall which is the most frustrating thing to me in the world. I can't explain how infuriating it is for me to try to not freak out when she's up on me "talking" to me *read yelling or really loud talking*, then wants to know why I can't talk to her. Or I get really bitchy at her.
If I did "have a melt down" and hurt someone, either me, my mom, or just decide to say "fuck it all" and go ape shit in the house, and get thrown in jail, I would be in the wrong. For being so fucking patient (as much as I can since my fuse ran short with her) not trying to get in any arguments, not trying to have a yelling match, not calling her a bitch and whatever else I feel in the moment (which is totally out of my character you really have to piss me off to see that). But only in that moment I decide not to hold back and totally fuck up HER DAY man, I would love to see the line of events that would go down.
Life just gotten so (even more so) frustrating, that night I had to leave the house just to get away from her yelling and prevent myself form totally losing it. Never in a thousand years would I think my own mom (hell the whole family) would drive me border line crazy. Sometimes I feel trapped inside the house like I will never see anything different but the same bs that goes on. Still striving for better, still trying to find a way to move out without going to an insane asylum for it.
I try to be as positive as I can but its been hard or it doesn't stay around long enough. Or once it does some drama totally comes in and destroys it. Probably why I've been lacking in journals and art. My life is too chaotic even when things are calm. I'm thinking of a thousand things, worried about this or that. Even my sleep have suffered so I get no real vacation from it all besides movies and videos. Then its back to "real life".
If creativity wasn't as important as the blood in my veins I would get a job at (insert company) and just work my life away. At least that's how I be feeling these days. I have to work just to get the drive and passion to move forward, like there is something better out there. I say it so much to myself, be positive, that new house/apartment/life is coming but god damn I see the same mugs everyday and the same old shit that I now have hatred for.
Gosh I don't know why I decided to highlight all my short comings in this journal (one of many really). But I guess that's life for me right now. More shit to scoop then a hundred farms.
I was really debating not posting this because I sound really psychotic and simply a person that needs serious help. :| But I figure what the hell? Let me do something different, let me show a side I haven't shown in some time. Some raw feelings that maybe a lot of you out there are feeling right now like me. We all are not crazy for wanting better or wanting to leave the old behind but it gets hard when that light at the end of the tunnel never comes. I want to give up a lot along the way but I always find myself half assed back on track and starting again. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about life sometimes, we are all human. The problem is "staying" in the negative space and not finding that bit of happiness. Those bits is what keeps me going, that little voice that says "keep going" or "it will get better" despite everything that's been happening. So take it from me, if you feel like going crazy because everything around you is just not supporting your personal growth, I feel you A LOT. :| Its sucks but its worth everything you got if you have a clear view of the future YOU want to have for yourself.
Next time hopefully things turn around for the better and I will have the good out weighing the bad. Thanks for reading guys, take care. :)
