Hey everyone!
Oh man, has it been really a month since I last posted a world post? I can barely believe it. I never even mentioned my Christmas or New Years I think. Both was fine, Christmas was VERY bitter sweet though, mostly because everyone was depressed and my parents had a nasty argument that evening. New Years was great because Brandon was over, my mom was strangely happy and my dad was out I think. So yeah, that's pretty much it with that.
Thank you everyone that commented on my last post! It was quite insightful, I'm going to have more questions for you guys for the future! :D
All about the business
I haven't been active here at all as you can tell, mostly because I haven't drawn much of anything and I have been focused on my angel card readings. It's been sucking up a lot of my time, with all the advertising, creating blog posts, free raffles and events; I didn't even have time to write proper blog posts for it. So now I'm not going to do so much and just have this Valentines day livestream event and that's all. You guys are more then welcome to come if you want, it gives you all a chance to see what I do lol. Though, I've been thinking about holding some free ones over here for the people that are curious about them. It would be fun because I probably won't be working with such complex lives of older people, I would be working with my own age group that probably have the same aspirations as I do. Something that I have a passion for.
Random new family van
Things have been going in the right direction in the last week. In a complete random event, my dad brought a white family van last Sunday. My dad is so happy, and it seems that my parents had made up so things are not as tense as they use to. I'm happy too, but a big part of me still wants to get the hell out of dodge. I forgot to mention that I can go get my physical and permit so I can FINALLY learn how to drive. Seeing so many other's around me learning and driving was really pissing me off.
Honestly hour
It's strange, because all of my old feelings of wanting success of all kinds completely risen from the depths of my heart again. I want to have a steady income so I can really plan to move out, without selling my soul to the job market. I've seen my friend Jer go through what I most dread about any job; get sucked dry for everything you're worth for some cash. Good income or not, it never pays off if you have a melt down or two. That and having a subpar job that's not in your passion, the job is okay, you know how to do what they asked for, but its never anything you went to school for or want to do fulltime.
I'm so different in the way that I work and view things that I feel like there is no job for me out there, unless I make one for myself. Then there comes the whole marketing aspect of that. You have to work your tail off to get your own business off the ground, and quite frankly I'm sick of waiting for that big break. A sale once a month isn't much of anything, but I guess having less time to do it, to work for some smock for less money then you're worth isn't anything either.
Gah, I didn't want to sound like a downer today but this week have been rough for me emotionally. I've been really exhausted for most of the week, not to mention I'm feeling quite envious of people that seems to have it together, or just more successful then me. I don't like feeling that way because they could be going through a lot more then I'm "seeing" but I can't help to feel like "damn, s/he got so successful so fast, where the hell is my success?" *sigh*
Beauty and the Beast in 3D
Crap, with all my bicthing and moaning I forgot to mention that me and Brandon went to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D today. The movie was GREAT! If you love the movie then you need to see it in 3D, all the best parts of the movie is even greater in 3D. Going there today made me realize how much I really love the movies. I want to go more often but it can be expensive, like $40-$50 dollars for two people expensive. I paid too since Brandon's plans fell through, so he didn't have the money to take us like he planed. I didn't mind since I asked my dad for it anyway lol. I still have some change left over that I can throw in my account too. The only downer I can think of is that the little bit of people/children that were there was a bit too talkative in some parts.
One time they are talking out loud and god it was so annoying. Not to sound like a complete dick, but children and babies (more babies then children) shouldn't be allowed in movie theaters LOL. The crying really gets in the way of trying to enjoy it, and some children are just fucking rude. I mean its not rocket science to whisper your needs to your mom, or know that the movies isn't the park where you can be loud and stuff. *dick mode over*
But yeah, the movies were great. I plan to go see some more in the future.
I think that's about it. I'm hoping my mood won't go the shitter this week. I'm going to promise myself not to get so wrapped up in other's successes and focus on myself, and on my needs.
Thank you all for reading, bye!
Wow, its been 3 weeks since I updated my world, what the hell is the world coming too? In any event I hope everything is going well for all my lovely friends out there! A lot happened since 3 weeks ago (both good and bad) so get ready for another hefty post!
Feel free to skip my rant about my mom and life...
Well since my last journal my mom totally spazzed out on my dad and the family in a drunken rage ironically, since I mentioned last post how much I hate her when she drinks. What was even better about it is that Brandon was over that weekend and heard the whole thing. When she started up I planned to not intervene or anything but just let her do whatever. Then my sister tried talking to her and that was a bad idea because it didn't do much but irritate her. Then when things got super heated and my mom was all over my dad that's when I came down stairs WHICH WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. What the hell was I thinking?
Pretty much in a nut shell we had a shouting match and I told her some pretty horrible stuff, I won't repeat it here just for the sake of everyone's sanity. I don't regret it (I think) for the simple fact that everything I said was the complete honest truth of how I felt, but at the same time I don't like hurting other people's feelings. When the dust settles I don't want my mom to think I hate her but on the other side of the coin she needs to know how her drinking effects me every time she does it. If you read my last post you know how it effects me just to be around her. It sucks and it kills my mood instantly, and that goes for anyone that's "tipsy".
When everything stopped (so much had happened) I was so hurt and miserable. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cease to be, especially Brandon in the house witnessing everything. Not that it was he's first time, he saw this type of stuff 3-4 times before! But it doesn't make me feel any better crying my fucking eyes out in front of him. Its like when is the madness going to stop? I'm sick of crying, feeling miserable, defeated, and fucking hopeless because my mom is hopelessly addicted to alcohol. She drinks everyday hands down. The only time she doesn't is when there is no alcohol in the house. She never was drunk going to work but she does drink after work and its only destroying EVERYTHING. I been knew this and after my mom's ragey night everyone else knew it too. My sister planned to stop drinking, my dad said he won't buy no more alcoholic drinks in the house, and a few days later I heard my mom say that she would stop. Which reminds me my mom didn't even apologize till 2-3 days after her fit. I stopped talking to her in that time period.
Getting back to what I was talking about, yeah no alcohol in the house sounds great right? Fast forward 3 weeks and things are EXCATLY THE SAME, no lie. Granted I knew this was going to happen, real changes pull through in this house especially when alcohol is in the mix, both my sister and mother said that they would quit numerous times to no avail. So as far as now, I can only assume that my mom will have another epic spazz attack in the future and my sister will have to call the cops (or whoever) to take her away.
Not a pretty picture here obviously but at this point my mom needs serious help and I can't provide her that. I'm done with her and I don't want much to do with her till she's done drinking and really sober, I told her that by the way. It took 8 plus years (yes I've been dealing with her drinking for that long and more) for me to feel this way so I hold no compassion but hope she gets better. The help can't be from me because I'm not sticking my head out anymore. She's way old enough to know that she needs help and if she and my family can't stick through some NEEDED changes then count me out, BIG TIME. I'm not investing no more energy into that black hole, I'm done feeling like shit because I try to help and it gets blasted in my face 10 fold. So let things go down as they may for I'm not (or ever was) responsible for it.
End life and mom rant
Besides all that... I have great more positive things to talk about.
First and foremost I'm taking my angel readings business to the next level! Oh yes, 2012 will be my year, lets hope I don't jinx myself because the 2nd half this year SUCKED ASS. I started writing my business plan for it and everything. What I really want to focus on, is the niche of "following your dreams" since I have an insane passion for it. I love pumping people up for getting off the coach and actually giving their dreams a fighting chance. No matter what it involves I'm totally on broad with it. I specifically want to target late teens to older people around 40-50 since they are usually the ones that's I see that wants to live out their desired life. Its a great start so I'm excited where this will lead me.
What's funny about the whole business plan thing is that I did a fairy card reading and it predicted that I would be working hard on my business in the fall/winter season. Then by summer the business will be really rolling! I did that reading a few days before I decided to really go all out in it (after my sister started going up my ass about the way I run my business randomly). I honestly didn't think it would turn out like it did since I'm really laid back about the whole business thing. But I feel things are looking up in that area in my life. I want my angel reading and craft business to take off and become quite huge. Since I started The Candy Sanctuary (or decided to go after my own dreams in general) its been a challenge of all kinds so I know I'm on the right track.
Besides that my art and creativity have been lacking big time. I haven't been drawing or crafting much at all and its getting to me. I think through all the drama that's been happening I lost the drive for it or something. Besides the latale commissions I haven't drawn much of anything, I don't even think about the potential things I want to draw anymore, that's pretty huge for me! But for the first time in a long time I want to get really creative again and really nurture that part of me because life has gotten so intense that's its literally sucking the life out of me. I have tons of pictures to post and finish so hopefully you'll see something new from me. (My inspiration tends to come and go)
Last thing I want to mention is my health. Two words.... CHEST PAINS.
I've been getting them more and more over the last few months and its getting on my nerves because up till a week or two ago I had no clue where its stemming from (besides caffeine which I stopped drinking a long time ago). I'm now noticing that if indulge on salt or sugar my chest starts to act up and if I don't stop it gets worst. The moment I stop having sugar or salt it calms downs and fizzles out in a few days. I've been through this about 2-3 times with that theory and it works like a charm every time.
I'm weak minded when it comes to my craving of sweets and salty snacks. It feels like I'm depriving myself when I see something I want. Then I have one and basically throw caution in the wind till the chest pains get bad. >__< But at least I know where its coming from and I can stop it. Granted I don't have to full on stop the salts and sugars but I have to be really mindful or else I can fall into the trap easily. What I find most is that natural foods have no effect. I've had trail mix and it never upset my chest at all. So I'm going to do more research and find healthy and organic snacks that I can have.
Speaking of which I'm going down the road of being a vegetarian and even vegan. Why? Because my body says so and I'm not kidding. A few weeks ago I couldn't/want to eat meat, processed foods or anything less then "natural". The appeal that I had for meat and etc it went down the drain and it even makes my stomach hurt now if I do eat it. Yes, it sounds strange and crazy that one day this comes over me but it wasn't the first time. This happened during the summer as well but in a much more intense fashion, I couldn't keep up with it since the food we have in house is filled with processed foods and meats. In a few weeks I guess you can say I suppressed or just ignored it so that craving of natural foods passed... FOR NOW.
This time around, I'm keeping up with it nicely (with a few meaty treats here and there if I can stomach it) and its pretty exciting but I have yet to tell my family that I'm seriously switching my diet. It just feels weird and its not like I'm going 100% there. more like 90%. But I'm still in transition mode so things are a bit chaotic still. Hopefully things will smooth out for me as a whole because things have been tough to handle inside and out.
This was a huge post so if you stuck around for it congrats and thank you! I hope to hear from you all and that your having a better time then I been having. :)
Love you all and take care!
Hey everyone
Wow its been a over a month or 2 since my last journal post not to mention a real life one. Well, since then a lot of stuff happened so this will be a extra bulky post for those who love reading my misadventures. XD
Honestly life have been very up and down for me, I can't even begin haha. My confidence have been like a roller coaster since every time I seem to go out the box and put myself out there SOMEONE has to be ragey. The first time was my mom when she saw the videos I made for my angel readings. Despite the fact I was saying some great positive stuff that I thoroughly enjoyed, my mom totally came at me tipsy and ruined my perfect day about it.
Me and Brandon was playing Eternal Sonata (an rpg) and my mom told me she had something important to tell me. I was right in the middle of a boss battle so I told her to hold on and my mom sat on the bed with us waiting for me to get off the game. I thought someone close in the family died or something because she never does that so I was really on edge. So when I got up and go to my mom's room all she wanted to talk about was the videos, I was super pissed. She didn't like the fact that people can see into the house, which I understood and told her I would delete the videos. Granted the backdrop of the videos is nothing spectacular in anyway nor is there any sensitive material or clues where people can see and find out where I live and kill the family. D:< Because that's all my mom sees and hears from the tiny bit of video that my sister showed her. (my sister had nothing to do with my mom being upset about it btw)
Like I said before my mom was tipsy and I HATE being around my mom when she's like that so I told her I would delete the videos and I try to leave out the room. Then my sister and mom was having a bitch fit over me "not listening" and whatever. I totally heard my mom and her concerns, I wanted to end this conversation before I totally go off on my mom for the nth time. I have so much backed up resentment for my mom that it can kill an African elephant. I'm so very close to snapping/having a meltdown/call the fucking cops because I'm going to coke out my mother and burn down the house mode and my mom doesn't even realize it. The crap she put me through when she's drinking, being a complete dick and douche bag makes me want to live on the street just to get away from her, or do something extreme and spiteful so she can "see what the hell her drinking is causing".
Its mind boggling when I explain to her "I can't talk to you when your drunk" and she says "why?". I tell her why, more then likely yelling and cussing because I'm so fed up and she just doesn't get it. Its like I'm talking to a fucking wall which is the most frustrating thing to me in the world. I can't explain how infuriating it is for me to try to not freak out when she's up on me "talking" to me *read yelling or really loud talking*, then wants to know why I can't talk to her. Or I get really bitchy at her.
If I did "have a melt down" and hurt someone, either me, my mom, or just decide to say "fuck it all" and go ape shit in the house, and get thrown in jail, I would be in the wrong. For being so fucking patient (as much as I can since my fuse ran short with her) not trying to get in any arguments, not trying to have a yelling match, not calling her a bitch and whatever else I feel in the moment (which is totally out of my character you really have to piss me off to see that). But only in that moment I decide not to hold back and totally fuck up HER DAY man, I would love to see the line of events that would go down.
Life just gotten so (even more so) frustrating, that night I had to leave the house just to get away from her yelling and prevent myself form totally losing it. Never in a thousand years would I think my own mom (hell the whole family) would drive me border line crazy. Sometimes I feel trapped inside the house like I will never see anything different but the same bs that goes on. Still striving for better, still trying to find a way to move out without going to an insane asylum for it.
I try to be as positive as I can but its been hard or it doesn't stay around long enough. Or once it does some drama totally comes in and destroys it. Probably why I've been lacking in journals and art. My life is too chaotic even when things are calm. I'm thinking of a thousand things, worried about this or that. Even my sleep have suffered so I get no real vacation from it all besides movies and videos. Then its back to "real life".
If creativity wasn't as important as the blood in my veins I would get a job at (insert company) and just work my life away. At least that's how I be feeling these days. I have to work just to get the drive and passion to move forward, like there is something better out there. I say it so much to myself, be positive, that new house/apartment/life is coming but god damn I see the same mugs everyday and the same old shit that I now have hatred for.
Gosh I don't know why I decided to highlight all my short comings in this journal (one of many really). But I guess that's life for me right now. More shit to scoop then a hundred farms.
I was really debating not posting this because I sound really psychotic and simply a person that needs serious help. :| But I figure what the hell? Let me do something different, let me show a side I haven't shown in some time. Some raw feelings that maybe a lot of you out there are feeling right now like me. We all are not crazy for wanting better or wanting to leave the old behind but it gets hard when that light at the end of the tunnel never comes. I want to give up a lot along the way but I always find myself half assed back on track and starting again. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about life sometimes, we are all human. The problem is "staying" in the negative space and not finding that bit of happiness. Those bits is what keeps me going, that little voice that says "keep going" or "it will get better" despite everything that's been happening. So take it from me, if you feel like going crazy because everything around you is just not supporting your personal growth, I feel you A LOT. :| Its sucks but its worth everything you got if you have a clear view of the future YOU want to have for yourself.
Next time hopefully things turn around for the better and I will have the good out weighing the bad. Thanks for reading guys, take care. :)
Vent to me, tell me what's the worst part about being an artist on the internet. Hard to get notice, the artists that can't draw but are insanely popular, self confidence, comparing yourself of others, not improving enough?
Anything and everything, I want to know. Don't sugar coat it either, cuss and fuss. I really want to see what makes artists angry in today's world, especially on the internet.
I just started writing about it and I want to know more about the matter. I know first hand 90% of it but I also want to hear other stories as well.
(sorry for all the updates lately XD)
Dear stupid artists on the Otaku,
If you MUST STEAL a picture off the internet just to get a shallow hard on from a bunch of inexperienced pre-teens, at least be smart about it.
DON’T GET A PICTURE THAT’S WAY BEYOND YOUR SKILL LEVEL. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH SHOUTING AT US MORE SEASONED ARTISTS THAT YOU STOLE IT.
P.S I just/will report your brainless ass even without a “proof url” maybe someone will delete the shit anyway. Because you know, you made it pretty obvious.
STFU GTFO LMAO,
Yours Truly
I feel better now. :)
