Hey everyone,
It’s been a while since I posted but I manage to start drawing a bit more lately. This is one of my more recent sketches.
I also came out as agender on the first of May so I felt like I needed to change my fursona to match this new phrase and person I’ve become. It was fun designing him (even though I’m genderless I refer to this fursona as a boy). It actually helped me to draw more and really get on the ball of doing more with my art and my talent, since I haven’t been drawing like I wanted to for years. But yeah, that’s pretty much it…
*Upcoming rant and lots of cussing, you’ve been warned*
Sooooooo, even though I like to keep my posts here on a positive note, I can’t really speak of this issue anywhere else because it involves to two people that I know too well IRL.
So basically, I’m minding my own business, doing my own thing bringing my bowl down from the upstairs when my sister (who has been drinking) blatantly says that my good friend is a POS (piece of shit). The little back story was that my sister helped my good friend (let’s call him Brad) get a job where she works.
So everything is fine and dandy till apparently Brad quits/leaves or whatever without notice. Being that I’m his friend, when my sister complains to me about him I’m like “yeah whatever,” I don’t want to get in the middle of this. That is what YOU GUYS are doing, don’t involve me.
So back to where I was at, so today she finally gets a hold of him and I guess it didn’t go well because apparently she felt the need to tell ME that my GOOD FRIEND is a POS like I can do something about that. It totally pissed me off because one: it’s FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL TO ME, and two: I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
So while I’m getting some extra food, I’m still “yeah, whatever” while she bitches and moans about him. I forgot what exactly what we were saying but when I was leaving the kitchen and she was going on about the whole thing she ends up calling me a POS because I didn’t agree with her view.
WELL BITCH, sorry I can’t be on your boat too because YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MY GOOD FRIEND. I don’t fucking care about the job shit, to me he’s still my friend and outright telling me that he’s a POS isn’t something I’m going to let slide for the second or third time! So I talked back and we got in an argument.
Where she basically is telling me that I shouldn’t take it personally because it has nothing to do with me and shit like that so I shouldn’t get mad. And that she just want to fucking “express herself” to me. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You’re fucking disrespecting me, talking shit about my friend about a situation that I have nothing to do with as if I can do something about it and/or to expect me to hop to your defense? And when I get offended by that, suddenly: “You shouldn’t take it personally.” On top of being called a POS along with him because I had a different view (before we got into a heated augment)…
This is why I hate alcohol and my family when they drink, they just have this almighty air about them that somehow everything they say and do is right. But what do I expect IT’S DRUNK LOGIC. But moreover, I hate it when someone tells me how to feel (or not to feel) a certain way.
First off, you shouldn’t be telling me anything like that to my face about my friend. All you’re doing is spreading negativity to where it doesn’t need to go. Complain to your friends, fuck, my mom was right there, complain to her. But when I came down and saw her, the first thing she felt the need to say to me is that Brad is a POS. Why say that shit to me knowing I’m his good friend. You clearly wanted me know this “fun fact” out of everyone else at the time. You’re causing fucking drama. What the fuck are you trying to prove saying this shit to me?
Yeah, I took that shit personally and even more so when she called me a POS when I didn’t agree with her. Simply put FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
On top of that, when I tried to explain to her that she was crossing my boundaries, she insisted that I could do the same with her; to tell her that her friends are a POS. Then she try to defend what she was saying by implying that she was only saying what I once told her when me and Brad had a rough patch.
Totally unfucking fair to bring up something that not only has nothing to do with THIS situation, but about a situation where I was pissed off and angry. It just doesn’t make sense… And I doubt I called him a POS.
So at the end of it all I got really pissed off because I have enough shit on my plate as it is and I ended up smashing my bowl or whatever on the floor and leaving the house.
I can’t possibly put into words how sick I am of my sister totally insisting that she knows exactly who I am, what I’m about and thinks she knows everything. That and this fucking double standard shit that when she does whatever it’s fine but if I do it, it’s not.
She needs a reality check. If I ever came up to her and just outright called her friend(s) a POS, it would be a problem. She wouldn’t be like “oh yeah, I totally agree.” No way in hell even if it was true about her friends, which it usually is. She surrounds herself with POS all the time and complains about it, so I guess it takes one to know one.
Plus, don’t fucking tell me how to feel and how I should react. And don’t tell me that I don’t do the fucking same towards you because I’m mink and timid, that really pissed me off. I don’t say those things because I’m timid (which I’m slowly breaking out of), but I’m not a fucking ass hat. I have enough respect to not say offensive things about people you care about, POS or not.
Go fuck yourself, seriously…
Point being, I wish I can kill people and get away with it because I swear that is what I want to do to my family when they drink and just go full retard for no reason. That and I’m noticing that my patience isn’t what it used to be, I get angry, like real angry faster than ever. It doesn’t sit well with me especially since I’m more bullheaded and I’m not willing to just let people say or do whatever they want to me. I fucking stand up for myself, so maybe it’s shocking for them to see me speak my mind and not hop on her boat just cause they have an opinion… I’m not rude about it either, but obviously when I’m not in agreement with my sister or whoever, that somehow has to mean world war 3.
I can’t fucking stand people sometimes… And a hate having genetic ties to people too. I wish I can be alone forever so I don’t have to hear the bitching and bickering sometimes.
But yeah, sorry for the random, out of the blue rant. It took me hours just to calm down enough to write this and I feel a lot better afterwards too. That’s way I would post here so much because I can simply write about whatever and it would help me clear my head.
But yeah I still have to clean up the chicken stew I hyper beamed all over the floor… Fuck…
Like seriously...
Rambling
So much had happened to me this month, the falling out with my dad, my pet died, I met a new friend, new plans and resolve for my life, my most recent dizzy spell, my back hurting again and god knows what else!
I normally have some set topics with my world posts but I have no clue where to start. This month has been so damn intense for me. I just feel like I'm stuck between old and new. I'm trying to get rid of the old but the new is not yet set for me, or I'm not set for it so I'm going through all this pain. It's all really too much at times and I hope that this crappy vortex ends soon.
Random Dizziness And Nausea
This weekend have to be one of the worst I had. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling so off balance with my stomach turning, I felt like I just got off a roller coaster. I wasn't sick, like at all and I haven't done anything that could trigger this. I had to ask my mom to make me soup since I couldn't move without feeling so spacey and all this BS. That and I didn't want to spit up anything I ate so I just went with the safe meal and chose soup. By the end of the day I felt better, 85% of the spinning of the room sensation was gone. Right now I'm 95% over it and I'm hoping it all will be gone by tomorrow because I'm meeting Yvette again.
Fast Friends
Speaking of which we are going to hang out at the mall tomorrow. We're going to met downtown early in the morning and head to a mall near Delaware. I'm really looking forward to this because this week has been a struggle for me. Going outside with a friend and talk about everything will help me clear my head!
I Really F**king Hate Summer
I really do. I guess the end all of this month is that I freaking hate summer for all it's worth. Too much BS tends to explode during the summer time and people like to act like morons. My life always takes this extreme turn for no reason and I'm always holding on for dear life. All of my July wasn't bad clearly, but I must admit it was the worst month so far this year. And with August coming up I just hope time goes super fast so I can make it though the hottest month of the year and be that much closer to Fall season.
I've been on the computer for too long and starting to feel nausea so I'm going to end it here. Take care!
Warning LOTS of cussing and abnormal heated anger in this post, but of course there is a good message to be said...
I'm not sure where this world post is going to go as far as the message, but I felt the intense need to type this.
I don't care who or what you are, NEVER EVER let ANYONE treat you LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE. Seriously, no joking around, as serious as a heart attack.
Because when you do and start to accept it emotionally, you are giving so much of your personal rights, power and control to someone else that simply doesn't have your best in mind. I don't care how "loving", "caring" or whatever the fuck sugar coated nonsense you want to put on your situation. If someone, especially a close loved one is treating you unfairly, IT IS NOT RIGHT AND WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. And it is up to YOU to break that cycle no matter how hard it is. Because when push comes to shove, this is YOUR life. This isn't your mother's, father's, friend's, lover's, or anyone else's life but yours, and if you don't take some damn control of it, you will always be at the mercy of someone else. I don't care how much you think or are in control, subconsciously, you are running off of a mindset that someone else has programmed for you, to think and act in a certain way.
This past week or two, no not even that, the last 2 days (from the time I'm writing this 6/27/2012) has been the most life changing I've been though in a long time. It was also one of intense emotions, mostly rage, not anger, full blown rage.
This came from my wimp ass dad that has no desire to protect his children or wife in times of danger or threat. I'll get straight to the point. On Monday when our screwed up neighbor was acting up again (we are not on good terms if you remember me mentioning that a summer or two ago) we were preparing to call the cops on her. No sooner did my dad notice, he got up and started to get dress. When my older sister asked "what are you doing?" he said "laundry", a bull faced excuse to not be around when the shit gets tough.
I've been through this 1000 times and I learned not to jump in and rip his head off when he is dead wrong. But this time was especially hard, I lost my cool when my sister said "Daddy do you have to leave, we're scared" and he replied with, and I'm quoting this "I have A LOT of laundry to do"... I told him "This isn't the time to run away!" as he walks off like normal. My mother and sister had to tell me to "let it go" and I did. And when my dad walked out that door without looking at us or even saying a "good-bye". That was it, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously.
When my dad came back and everyone was playing along like nothing happened, which we normally did, I didn't look or talk to him. When he asked me if I "wanted some milk" I flat out ignored him.
My dad can be loving, caring and compassionate but that will never take away from the totally screwed up personality he has, and the shit he dealt me and my family for as long as I was alive.
Fast forward to a day later, I'm trying to figure out how can I accept my dad for "who he is" without accepting "his bullshit". I didn't want to confront him and it would end up as a screaming match (which it did anyway). I didn't want drama, I just wasn't going to play charades with him anymore. And I felt like if I accept this anymore, my life will never be what I want it to be, at all. My dad always been unreliable, a dark cloud in the house, border line bi-polar, ignorant, wimpy, a total punk ass and an idiot. I lost respect for him WAY back in the day and that shit never came back.
So I when finally gathered my thoughts and found a way to love my father but not accept his ways I guess, I knew that I could talk to him. It would of got heated but I knew what I needed to do and I wouldn't take it to heart. I was clearing out the shit out of my life once and for all, and that felt good.
I swear to you no sooner did I took the last sip of my water before approaching my dad I heard my mom crying. I went to see what was wrong, I didn't know if my dad did or didn't do anything. My mom was crying so much that she couldn't tell me what was wrong and I didn't want to jump on my dad for no good reason (besides my own reason). The one thing that really pissed me off was that his wife was crying and all he could do was sit in the indoor porch and smoke a cigarette.
So I decide to ask my dad "what's wrong with mommy?", reminding you all that since Monday afternoon I wasn't talking to him and he did the same shit with me. He went on to say "I don't know, your mom needs help" totally not being helpful, smug, ignorant and a total ass hole. I was deciding whether if I should "freak out" or just "not freak out". He was going on and on and I decided...
FUCK THIS SHIT, I HAD ENOUGH... OF EVERYTHING
I slammed the front door and all hell broke loose. I cussed him out from here to the moon and even yelled out the front door for all to hear how much of a punk my dad is and can't even protect his family, and damn did it feel good.
Hours pass of intense arguments between me and my dad and just my parents themselves. Mostly, me trying to keep them from killing each other (or my mom from killing my dad anyway). A lot happened that night, a lot of emotions, and a lot of realizations, but I tell you one thing. I never planned on any of this happening. I wanted to speak calmly with my dad about how I felt and move on. But on a drop of a dime my mom woke up and started crying RIGHT when I was going to talk to my dad. That and my sister was gone for the day and that was a HUGE game changer on how this went. I would of never gotten what I needed to be done if she was here, she would of totally blocked that from happening.
Not doubt this was meant to happen.
As far as "now" my dad left after I called the cops yesterday and haven't came back. And FINALLY I think my family is on board to let my dad go for good, I wanted this moment for 2-3 years mind you. THAT LONG for my family to catch up to what I already knew before my dad even moved in, which I was totally against but was out ruled.
A lot of changes is happening and this was the "opening act" of it all, and I couldn't be happier to see or had the honor of to start it. I know things might get tough, but I know I will be so much better right after. I know everything will be okay and that everything good and bad is for my benefit. I'm not the same person as I was a year ago or even a few months ago. I don't pity myself as much and I see the bigger picture in just about everything I do. Of course I'm still human and still have human flaws but I've been refined by life and all it's mishaps. And the fact I've gotten stronger made yesterday such a success in quite a crappy day. I made my plan, I know what was wrong, and now I have and enforce the power to change my life from here on out even more. And I just want to let everyone know that they can do the same thing.
Never let anyone take control over your life and treat you like shit, no matter who they are. Even if it is your own parents, you have to be willing to do some heavy changes and remove them from your life so you can start LIVING your life. Being abused, mistreated or tortured is no way for anyone to live and you can never sugar coat it with "love". There will never be enough love to make it right, no matter how much you want it to be right.
So if you find yourself in a shit situation, please stand up for yourself. Stop accepting other's shitty ways for your own. And most of all, realize that you deserve to have a happy life, full of real loving friends and family. If you don't have those things now, they won't come knocking, you have to get up and demand something better, which means ruffling a lot of people's feathers. Life isn't always easy and you know what it's not suppose to till you GET IT. Once you GET IT that you can make YOUR life better, it can become easy because you now have the power to change it, which will be a challenge too, but you know what? You'll know what to do, how to do it and won't take no for an answer. Life will mold you into a fighter, not one of violence, but for peace and love for everything you stand for. And that should be okay for those that want a better life...
But I'm going to stop because I've gotten WAY too passionate and I'm sure I got my message out 10 times over. But please remember...
Every single one of us deserves real love, real happiness, to live our dreams and to be the best us we can be. Don't let someone take that opportunity away from you, in fact, don't let YOURSELF give that opportunity to someone else. It's not their business to live your life and purpose, it's yours...
Over and out...
Yours Truly
Hey everyone!
Oh man, has it been really a month since I last posted a world post? I can barely believe it. I never even mentioned my Christmas or New Years I think. Both was fine, Christmas was VERY bitter sweet though, mostly because everyone was depressed and my parents had a nasty argument that evening. New Years was great because Brandon was over, my mom was strangely happy and my dad was out I think. So yeah, that's pretty much it with that.
Thank you everyone that commented on my last post! It was quite insightful, I'm going to have more questions for you guys for the future! :D
All about the business
I haven't been active here at all as you can tell, mostly because I haven't drawn much of anything and I have been focused on my angel card readings. It's been sucking up a lot of my time, with all the advertising, creating blog posts, free raffles and events; I didn't even have time to write proper blog posts for it. So now I'm not going to do so much and just have this Valentines day livestream event and that's all. You guys are more then welcome to come if you want, it gives you all a chance to see what I do lol. Though, I've been thinking about holding some free ones over here for the people that are curious about them. It would be fun because I probably won't be working with such complex lives of older people, I would be working with my own age group that probably have the same aspirations as I do. Something that I have a passion for.
Random new family van
Things have been going in the right direction in the last week. In a complete random event, my dad brought a white family van last Sunday. My dad is so happy, and it seems that my parents had made up so things are not as tense as they use to. I'm happy too, but a big part of me still wants to get the hell out of dodge. I forgot to mention that I can go get my physical and permit so I can FINALLY learn how to drive. Seeing so many other's around me learning and driving was really pissing me off.
Honestly hour
It's strange, because all of my old feelings of wanting success of all kinds completely risen from the depths of my heart again. I want to have a steady income so I can really plan to move out, without selling my soul to the job market. I've seen my friend Jer go through what I most dread about any job; get sucked dry for everything you're worth for some cash. Good income or not, it never pays off if you have a melt down or two. That and having a subpar job that's not in your passion, the job is okay, you know how to do what they asked for, but its never anything you went to school for or want to do fulltime.
I'm so different in the way that I work and view things that I feel like there is no job for me out there, unless I make one for myself. Then there comes the whole marketing aspect of that. You have to work your tail off to get your own business off the ground, and quite frankly I'm sick of waiting for that big break. A sale once a month isn't much of anything, but I guess having less time to do it, to work for some smock for less money then you're worth isn't anything either.
Gah, I didn't want to sound like a downer today but this week have been rough for me emotionally. I've been really exhausted for most of the week, not to mention I'm feeling quite envious of people that seems to have it together, or just more successful then me. I don't like feeling that way because they could be going through a lot more then I'm "seeing" but I can't help to feel like "damn, s/he got so successful so fast, where the hell is my success?" *sigh*
Beauty and the Beast in 3D
Crap, with all my bicthing and moaning I forgot to mention that me and Brandon went to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D today. The movie was GREAT! If you love the movie then you need to see it in 3D, all the best parts of the movie is even greater in 3D. Going there today made me realize how much I really love the movies. I want to go more often but it can be expensive, like $40-$50 dollars for two people expensive. I paid too since Brandon's plans fell through, so he didn't have the money to take us like he planed. I didn't mind since I asked my dad for it anyway lol. I still have some change left over that I can throw in my account too. The only downer I can think of is that the little bit of people/children that were there was a bit too talkative in some parts.
One time they are talking out loud and god it was so annoying. Not to sound like a complete dick, but children and babies (more babies then children) shouldn't be allowed in movie theaters LOL. The crying really gets in the way of trying to enjoy it, and some children are just fucking rude. I mean its not rocket science to whisper your needs to your mom, or know that the movies isn't the park where you can be loud and stuff. *dick mode over*
But yeah, the movies were great. I plan to go see some more in the future.
I think that's about it. I'm hoping my mood won't go the shitter this week. I'm going to promise myself not to get so wrapped up in other's successes and focus on myself, and on my needs.
Thank you all for reading, bye!
Wow, its been 3 weeks since I updated my world, what the hell is the world coming too? In any event I hope everything is going well for all my lovely friends out there! A lot happened since 3 weeks ago (both good and bad) so get ready for another hefty post!
Feel free to skip my rant about my mom and life...
Well since my last journal my mom totally spazzed out on my dad and the family in a drunken rage ironically, since I mentioned last post how much I hate her when she drinks. What was even better about it is that Brandon was over that weekend and heard the whole thing. When she started up I planned to not intervene or anything but just let her do whatever. Then my sister tried talking to her and that was a bad idea because it didn't do much but irritate her. Then when things got super heated and my mom was all over my dad that's when I came down stairs WHICH WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. What the hell was I thinking?
Pretty much in a nut shell we had a shouting match and I told her some pretty horrible stuff, I won't repeat it here just for the sake of everyone's sanity. I don't regret it (I think) for the simple fact that everything I said was the complete honest truth of how I felt, but at the same time I don't like hurting other people's feelings. When the dust settles I don't want my mom to think I hate her but on the other side of the coin she needs to know how her drinking effects me every time she does it. If you read my last post you know how it effects me just to be around her. It sucks and it kills my mood instantly, and that goes for anyone that's "tipsy".
When everything stopped (so much had happened) I was so hurt and miserable. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cease to be, especially Brandon in the house witnessing everything. Not that it was he's first time, he saw this type of stuff 3-4 times before! But it doesn't make me feel any better crying my fucking eyes out in front of him. Its like when is the madness going to stop? I'm sick of crying, feeling miserable, defeated, and fucking hopeless because my mom is hopelessly addicted to alcohol. She drinks everyday hands down. The only time she doesn't is when there is no alcohol in the house. She never was drunk going to work but she does drink after work and its only destroying EVERYTHING. I been knew this and after my mom's ragey night everyone else knew it too. My sister planned to stop drinking, my dad said he won't buy no more alcoholic drinks in the house, and a few days later I heard my mom say that she would stop. Which reminds me my mom didn't even apologize till 2-3 days after her fit. I stopped talking to her in that time period.
Getting back to what I was talking about, yeah no alcohol in the house sounds great right? Fast forward 3 weeks and things are EXCATLY THE SAME, no lie. Granted I knew this was going to happen, real changes pull through in this house especially when alcohol is in the mix, both my sister and mother said that they would quit numerous times to no avail. So as far as now, I can only assume that my mom will have another epic spazz attack in the future and my sister will have to call the cops (or whoever) to take her away.
Not a pretty picture here obviously but at this point my mom needs serious help and I can't provide her that. I'm done with her and I don't want much to do with her till she's done drinking and really sober, I told her that by the way. It took 8 plus years (yes I've been dealing with her drinking for that long and more) for me to feel this way so I hold no compassion but hope she gets better. The help can't be from me because I'm not sticking my head out anymore. She's way old enough to know that she needs help and if she and my family can't stick through some NEEDED changes then count me out, BIG TIME. I'm not investing no more energy into that black hole, I'm done feeling like shit because I try to help and it gets blasted in my face 10 fold. So let things go down as they may for I'm not (or ever was) responsible for it.
End life and mom rant
Besides all that... I have great more positive things to talk about.
First and foremost I'm taking my angel readings business to the next level! Oh yes, 2012 will be my year, lets hope I don't jinx myself because the 2nd half this year SUCKED ASS. I started writing my business plan for it and everything. What I really want to focus on, is the niche of "following your dreams" since I have an insane passion for it. I love pumping people up for getting off the coach and actually giving their dreams a fighting chance. No matter what it involves I'm totally on broad with it. I specifically want to target late teens to older people around 40-50 since they are usually the ones that's I see that wants to live out their desired life. Its a great start so I'm excited where this will lead me.
What's funny about the whole business plan thing is that I did a fairy card reading and it predicted that I would be working hard on my business in the fall/winter season. Then by summer the business will be really rolling! I did that reading a few days before I decided to really go all out in it (after my sister started going up my ass about the way I run my business randomly). I honestly didn't think it would turn out like it did since I'm really laid back about the whole business thing. But I feel things are looking up in that area in my life. I want my angel reading and craft business to take off and become quite huge. Since I started The Candy Sanctuary (or decided to go after my own dreams in general) its been a challenge of all kinds so I know I'm on the right track.
Besides that my art and creativity have been lacking big time. I haven't been drawing or crafting much at all and its getting to me. I think through all the drama that's been happening I lost the drive for it or something. Besides the latale commissions I haven't drawn much of anything, I don't even think about the potential things I want to draw anymore, that's pretty huge for me! But for the first time in a long time I want to get really creative again and really nurture that part of me because life has gotten so intense that's its literally sucking the life out of me. I have tons of pictures to post and finish so hopefully you'll see something new from me. (My inspiration tends to come and go)
Last thing I want to mention is my health. Two words.... CHEST PAINS.
I've been getting them more and more over the last few months and its getting on my nerves because up till a week or two ago I had no clue where its stemming from (besides caffeine which I stopped drinking a long time ago). I'm now noticing that if indulge on salt or sugar my chest starts to act up and if I don't stop it gets worst. The moment I stop having sugar or salt it calms downs and fizzles out in a few days. I've been through this about 2-3 times with that theory and it works like a charm every time.
I'm weak minded when it comes to my craving of sweets and salty snacks. It feels like I'm depriving myself when I see something I want. Then I have one and basically throw caution in the wind till the chest pains get bad. >__< But at least I know where its coming from and I can stop it. Granted I don't have to full on stop the salts and sugars but I have to be really mindful or else I can fall into the trap easily. What I find most is that natural foods have no effect. I've had trail mix and it never upset my chest at all. So I'm going to do more research and find healthy and organic snacks that I can have.
Speaking of which I'm going down the road of being a vegetarian and even vegan. Why? Because my body says so and I'm not kidding. A few weeks ago I couldn't/want to eat meat, processed foods or anything less then "natural". The appeal that I had for meat and etc it went down the drain and it even makes my stomach hurt now if I do eat it. Yes, it sounds strange and crazy that one day this comes over me but it wasn't the first time. This happened during the summer as well but in a much more intense fashion, I couldn't keep up with it since the food we have in house is filled with processed foods and meats. In a few weeks I guess you can say I suppressed or just ignored it so that craving of natural foods passed... FOR NOW.
This time around, I'm keeping up with it nicely (with a few meaty treats here and there if I can stomach it) and its pretty exciting but I have yet to tell my family that I'm seriously switching my diet. It just feels weird and its not like I'm going 100% there. more like 90%. But I'm still in transition mode so things are a bit chaotic still. Hopefully things will smooth out for me as a whole because things have been tough to handle inside and out.
This was a huge post so if you stuck around for it congrats and thank you! I hope to hear from you all and that your having a better time then I been having. :)
Love you all and take care!
