Wow, its been 3 weeks since I updated my world, what the hell is the world coming too? In any event I hope everything is going well for all my lovely friends out there! A lot happened since 3 weeks ago (both good and bad) so get ready for another hefty post!
Feel free to skip my rant about my mom and life...
Well since my last journal my mom totally spazzed out on my dad and the family in a drunken rage ironically, since I mentioned last post how much I hate her when she drinks. What was even better about it is that Brandon was over that weekend and heard the whole thing. When she started up I planned to not intervene or anything but just let her do whatever. Then my sister tried talking to her and that was a bad idea because it didn't do much but irritate her. Then when things got super heated and my mom was all over my dad that's when I came down stairs WHICH WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. What the hell was I thinking?
Pretty much in a nut shell we had a shouting match and I told her some pretty horrible stuff, I won't repeat it here just for the sake of everyone's sanity. I don't regret it (I think) for the simple fact that everything I said was the complete honest truth of how I felt, but at the same time I don't like hurting other people's feelings. When the dust settles I don't want my mom to think I hate her but on the other side of the coin she needs to know how her drinking effects me every time she does it. If you read my last post you know how it effects me just to be around her. It sucks and it kills my mood instantly, and that goes for anyone that's "tipsy".
When everything stopped (so much had happened) I was so hurt and miserable. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cease to be, especially Brandon in the house witnessing everything. Not that it was he's first time, he saw this type of stuff 3-4 times before! But it doesn't make me feel any better crying my fucking eyes out in front of him. Its like when is the madness going to stop? I'm sick of crying, feeling miserable, defeated, and fucking hopeless because my mom is hopelessly addicted to alcohol. She drinks everyday hands down. The only time she doesn't is when there is no alcohol in the house. She never was drunk going to work but she does drink after work and its only destroying EVERYTHING. I been knew this and after my mom's ragey night everyone else knew it too. My sister planned to stop drinking, my dad said he won't buy no more alcoholic drinks in the house, and a few days later I heard my mom say that she would stop. Which reminds me my mom didn't even apologize till 2-3 days after her fit. I stopped talking to her in that time period.
Getting back to what I was talking about, yeah no alcohol in the house sounds great right? Fast forward 3 weeks and things are EXCATLY THE SAME, no lie. Granted I knew this was going to happen, real changes pull through in this house especially when alcohol is in the mix, both my sister and mother said that they would quit numerous times to no avail. So as far as now, I can only assume that my mom will have another epic spazz attack in the future and my sister will have to call the cops (or whoever) to take her away.
Not a pretty picture here obviously but at this point my mom needs serious help and I can't provide her that. I'm done with her and I don't want much to do with her till she's done drinking and really sober, I told her that by the way. It took 8 plus years (yes I've been dealing with her drinking for that long and more) for me to feel this way so I hold no compassion but hope she gets better. The help can't be from me because I'm not sticking my head out anymore. She's way old enough to know that she needs help and if she and my family can't stick through some NEEDED changes then count me out, BIG TIME. I'm not investing no more energy into that black hole, I'm done feeling like shit because I try to help and it gets blasted in my face 10 fold. So let things go down as they may for I'm not (or ever was) responsible for it.
End life and mom rant
Besides all that... I have great more positive things to talk about.
First and foremost I'm taking my angel readings business to the next level! Oh yes, 2012 will be my year, lets hope I don't jinx myself because the 2nd half this year SUCKED ASS. I started writing my business plan for it and everything. What I really want to focus on, is the niche of "following your dreams" since I have an insane passion for it. I love pumping people up for getting off the coach and actually giving their dreams a fighting chance. No matter what it involves I'm totally on broad with it. I specifically want to target late teens to older people around 40-50 since they are usually the ones that's I see that wants to live out their desired life. Its a great start so I'm excited where this will lead me.
What's funny about the whole business plan thing is that I did a fairy card reading and it predicted that I would be working hard on my business in the fall/winter season. Then by summer the business will be really rolling! I did that reading a few days before I decided to really go all out in it (after my sister started going up my ass about the way I run my business randomly). I honestly didn't think it would turn out like it did since I'm really laid back about the whole business thing. But I feel things are looking up in that area in my life. I want my angel reading and craft business to take off and become quite huge. Since I started The Candy Sanctuary (or decided to go after my own dreams in general) its been a challenge of all kinds so I know I'm on the right track.
Besides that my art and creativity have been lacking big time. I haven't been drawing or crafting much at all and its getting to me. I think through all the drama that's been happening I lost the drive for it or something. Besides the latale commissions I haven't drawn much of anything, I don't even think about the potential things I want to draw anymore, that's pretty huge for me! But for the first time in a long time I want to get really creative again and really nurture that part of me because life has gotten so intense that's its literally sucking the life out of me. I have tons of pictures to post and finish so hopefully you'll see something new from me. (My inspiration tends to come and go)
Last thing I want to mention is my health. Two words.... CHEST PAINS.
I've been getting them more and more over the last few months and its getting on my nerves because up till a week or two ago I had no clue where its stemming from (besides caffeine which I stopped drinking a long time ago). I'm now noticing that if indulge on salt or sugar my chest starts to act up and if I don't stop it gets worst. The moment I stop having sugar or salt it calms downs and fizzles out in a few days. I've been through this about 2-3 times with that theory and it works like a charm every time.
I'm weak minded when it comes to my craving of sweets and salty snacks. It feels like I'm depriving myself when I see something I want. Then I have one and basically throw caution in the wind till the chest pains get bad. >__< But at least I know where its coming from and I can stop it. Granted I don't have to full on stop the salts and sugars but I have to be really mindful or else I can fall into the trap easily. What I find most is that natural foods have no effect. I've had trail mix and it never upset my chest at all. So I'm going to do more research and find healthy and organic snacks that I can have.
Speaking of which I'm going down the road of being a vegetarian and even vegan. Why? Because my body says so and I'm not kidding. A few weeks ago I couldn't/want to eat meat, processed foods or anything less then "natural". The appeal that I had for meat and etc it went down the drain and it even makes my stomach hurt now if I do eat it. Yes, it sounds strange and crazy that one day this comes over me but it wasn't the first time. This happened during the summer as well but in a much more intense fashion, I couldn't keep up with it since the food we have in house is filled with processed foods and meats. In a few weeks I guess you can say I suppressed or just ignored it so that craving of natural foods passed... FOR NOW.
This time around, I'm keeping up with it nicely (with a few meaty treats here and there if I can stomach it) and its pretty exciting but I have yet to tell my family that I'm seriously switching my diet. It just feels weird and its not like I'm going 100% there. more like 90%. But I'm still in transition mode so things are a bit chaotic still. Hopefully things will smooth out for me as a whole because things have been tough to handle inside and out.
This was a huge post so if you stuck around for it congrats and thank you! I hope to hear from you all and that your having a better time then I been having. :)
Love you all and take care!
