THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE AVERAGE IN MY LIFE. OR RANDOM THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT I THINK SHOULD BE HERE. ENJOY YOUR STAY.

Hard Times

Well, things got difficult recently. Last night, my friendship with Tyler ended completely. It is all over, he will not come back for me when he is eighteen. And I feel numb of emotion. Last night, it seems, that my tears flowed with all the emotions I had ever felt for anything, or anyone.

I have been using google to learn french, also, and have been going OFF in French.

La vie m'a donné que la douleur, l'angoisse et la tristesse. J'ai des cicatrices qui ne guérissent jamais, et mon cœur a été brisé au-delà de la réparation. Mais à travers tout cela, je suis encore en vie, et j'ai l'intention de devenir plus fort. Je ne vais pas fixer dans ma tombe tout de suite. Non, difficultés de la vie ne m'ont pas encore gagnée. Et donc, dans cette voie affreuse, je continue, et la recherche de la lumière dans l'obscurité.

If anyone can read that, it's true. That's what I am doing. And it is how I am feeling right now.

En toute honnêteté, je me sens complètement vide maintenant. Complètement engourdi d'émotion pour quelque chose ou quelqu'un. Je ne peux pas ressentir aucune douleur, même si j'essaie. Elle est désespérée.

Mais, malheureusement, mais bon. Je ne peux rien y faire.

Well anyway. I just wanted to share that. Adieu à vous tous pour l'instant, je vous souhaite tout le meilleur. Beaucoup d'amour à vous tous.

~KHAOS

Yet another update...

Okay, so it's been a while...probably because I was on spring break. Anyways. A lot has happened since then...Oh yesh. I tend to be getting on facebook and myyearbook a lot lately...So sorry about being neglective to theOtaku lately! I do love it here, I do...I just have lots of stuff to check nowadays. My report card looked really good, but I don't think I'll be getting my phone back until the summer, which sucks, because I have some friends I would really like to be talking to. Tyler, Heaven, Josh, Lorena, and my little brother...*sigh* Sucky. But yeah, anyway. So I have been listening to a lot of music by Prodigy. You know, the group that did the songs "Firestarter," "Smack My Bitch Up," and "Breathe". They are kind of like....electronica. I really like listening to them lately. Their music is so fun.

I've been drawing, but...not a lot. I don't know, I'm kind of sick of drawing as of late. But I did do a drawing that I'm rather proud of today. A second try at Haruko Haruha, and it turned out lovely. I can improve it, but...oh well. I can't post it yet, but I promise I will eventually. Like when I have time.

Poetry and all that is still rolling, and I finished the third scene of Epicity: Emo Finds Happy. I haven't posted it here yet, but I will. I think I liked this scene the best out of the other ones.

So I started to watch FLCL again. And I'm obsessed again. Haruko is my favorite, I think she will always be my favorite...haha.

I drew all over both of my arms today. O_o I got so bored in first and second hour...I wrote "Renaissance Khaos" on my arms...3 times on the left, once on the right...then there was "Shitakunai! Don't Want!", FLCL on my left and right hand and my left knuckles...a broken black and white heart...my friend wrote "Devin loves u!!" on my left arm, and there is a smiley face on my right wrist, LAWL on my right knuckles, "yatta!" on my right arm, and a kitty face on my right arm. Can you say UBER EPIC BOREDOM!?!?? Lol. Now I just have to draw on my legs. =P I think I might get "Renaissance Khaos" tattooed on my left shoulder...the way that I write it...it would look really cool. If I get my phone back, I'll take a pic of the way I wrote it on my arm and post it somewhere...probably my yearbook.

Well well well. I look really emo lately. I have been wearing my bangs in my face. I do my eyeshadow two different colors, black on the left and red on the right, dark maroonish gold lipstick, mascara, black fingernails...a lot of dark clothing, sometimes skinny jeans, too. It's...frickin amazing. Lol. But I haven't cut or anything, which Tyler is really happy about...he said it hurts him when I cut myself, so...bleh. I want to, though. Then there's Monty, too...he doesn't like it when I cut, either. So I'm doing my best to resist the urges. Instead, I've been pulling all nighters, and drawing on myself. Hehe.

I should share my yearbook account name on here, just in case people want to talk to meh...it is Renaissance Khaos. Named after what I will call my band. ^^ I'd love to have more friends, if anyone has an account and wants to talk to me. Besides, I'm on there much more often than I am on here or anywhere else.

Well, I think I'm going to wrap this up now. There's not much more to say! I'll try and update more often if I can. Much love.

~KHAOS

New Name Stuff!

Okay peoples. When I get a program to make my music, and edit stuff, I'm calling myself Renaissance Khaos. And I'm gonna work to look like the character, Khaos, that I created. Hellz to the yes. I just wanted to share that, cause I am really excited about it. Hehe.

~K~

Confident

So, the other day, I had been all sad in my post. But I went home that day and talked to my parents about it. And you know, they really helped me out this time. I took their advice. Mom told me to just tell him off, and I did. I haven't talked to him at all. And my mom made me write a full page of positives about myself, then had me read them out loud. Now I come to school with my face actually showing. I hold my head up high now. I feel really good. I have never been so confident about myself. But it seems like since my parents talked to me, I am able to feel good about myself. I might still be a fool, because yeah, I'm still sticking to the original plan of marriage, but if that changes, then I won't be so sad about it. I can just tell myself that I don't need a guy who will suddenly change his mind and treat me like shit. And I can believe it if that does happen.

I've been drawing a lot, too. And the art is actually REALLY GOOD now that I'm in a good state of mind. And you know, I don't feel all that bad about being single right now. It's pretty fun! I get to hang out with my girlfriends more often, just joking around and having laughs, instead of being so preoccupied with a guy who probably doesn't really care about anything other than getting in my pants. I'm enjoying myself as a single girl for the first time, and you know what? It feels great! I'm also getting my grades up a lot faster. I only have a C- and two D's to take care of now! And the percentages are going up already! ^_^

I'm getting really excited, because when I get those grades up to something that my parents are good with, which is a C or B, or ESPECIALLY an A, I can spend even MORE time with my friends. I will be having sleepovers and going to my friends' houses so much more often. And, I will also get all the freetime in the world with my music! I can play video games, talk on the phone...text...all that stuff, and it will be pretty soon! I'm really excited for it. >-<

But yeah, I just really wanted to share that, because I'm just...I feel really good right now. ^^ So yeah! Anyways!

~Arianna

I lied.

You know what? I'm not happy in any way. I'm so sick of even trying anymore. I try and I try, I do my best for Tyler, and then...all of a sudden, he wants to go out with a girl he doesn't even know yet. Some fucking love he shows me. It's times like these that I get upset to the point of wanting to start that stupid shit I used to do. But I can't. Nobody will let me. And it will only prove that I am no better than all the other fools in the world. But I'm so sick of getting hurt. Even when we aren't dating, yet, we are engaged! I'm so sick of everything. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I honestly don't feel like there is a reason why I should keep putting up with all of this. I don't understand it. I don't know what I did wrong. I do know that I don't want to put up with it anymore, though. I JUST talked to him about all of this the other day...! Is he really so blind, so deaf, that he can't see or hear the pain inside me? I am THIS close to just telling him to call off our engagement, because he obviously doesn't want me. I don't know anymore. I can't even finish typing about this. I'm crying, so I'm just...
~Arianna