Writing introductions is a bit tedious so....just take a look at my first post if you want to know more....
....and if you get curious about the name of this World or my posts, check out the second one.
- Created By Sailor Nevar
The Verbal Warfare
When I was extremely young I remember being bored with movies. You always knew the "good guys" would win, and there would always be a happy ending. I complained about it to my parents once and said, "when I grow up, I'm going to write a story without a happy ending!" I don't remember what they said (because even then I was far more interested in what I had to say than what anyone else did) but I imagine it was something along the lines of, "why? don't you want to see the happy ending?" at which point I probably would have said, "not when it's so obvious how things will turn out, it's boring."
After a while I realized that not everyone could predict the way stories would turn out. Many people assumed, believed there would be a happy ending, but they couldn't guess at the events leading to it they way I could, so they were still impressed by them. Of course I was still entertained, but it was never really what I wanted. I expect this was what made me start seriously writing stories in the first place. And then a time came when my mind flew too fast through my own stories as well. I could see the ending, or, more often than not, 20 or 30 possible endings and how to navigate the characters to each one of them. My mother once told me I was writing to solve my own worries vicariously. I never wrote about people who had any specific details that were the same as my own situations, but I'm sure in a way I was doing just that. Once I could see the end of my story it meant I'd solved the problem and so I stopped.
I am afraid to write. The me of long ago wrote amazing things, scary things, funny things, things that no one else could imagine and everyone always loved. The me of some time later thought I couldn't do it anymore and so I "killed" my writer self. In writing. It was clever and it was sad but it worked too well and in the end I became convinced that part of me was really gone. For years now I've been afraid. Afraid that I had no more ideas, but suddenly I do. It seems as soon as I can write one down I've thought of two more. Of course they come now, it's always at the time when I have too many things to do. When I need to focus on serious things, when I'm stressed, when I'm sick, I'm always more creative (...which would explain the incredible talent I showed in high school...barely sleeping or eating, sick 8 months out of the year, and always, always worrying...) but I won't complain. Whether it's because my brain has finally reached the level of uncertainty it needs to produce things, or because I've finally come close to turning back into who I was before I "died", or because someone else is influencing me, the seal seems to have been broken...at least for now...
If you understand how a writer's mind works, you'll lose all the pleasure in reading a book.
Black and White 2
When I was a little girl my mother used to tell me if I was bad the penguins would come and take me away to outer space.....
....it would seem she wasn't quite lying....they're definitely in league with someone if not aliens...
...this anime messes me up so bad....why did it have to be penguins and apples?
I've started my super-fast-not-so-good-but-I-don't-care sketching again....
first Alfred (20 min? - can't concentrate b/c he's thinking of Arthur
)
2nd Alfred (10 min?...eh....the muscles of his right arm are kinda screwed up....)
first Lily (about 30 min, and given away)
super old "Yellow Girls" in grayscale so I'm not posting it officially till it's redone... (not a speed drawing either...)
End of Hypnosis2 (The Galvanizer)
A while ago my best friend's facebook status read: "The universe could not have picked better friends for me!"
...and I really wanted to ammend it with, ", than I picked for myself!" but....yeah, that's not a very nice thing to do to people who believe in god and fate and what-have-you so....(besides which, she's my best friend, not just a random person!) so I didn't. I know that the friends I have are the ones I chose to have. Hell, everybody knows that since I make a point to not choose very many, but I don't usually think about it too much. They're the ones that I just knew were right, so it surprises me a little when I abruptly realize why I picked the ones I did. (I still can't fathom why any of them picked me, but that's not the point right now...) It's to be expected I suppose...those friends that I can count on one hand obviously have some qualities that I thought were really important, right?
My best friends are the ones who can tell me what I need to hear, & somehow make it sound like what I want to hear. (Parents can't do that. They know it, and they usually settle for one or the other.) After all, they can say to me, "You should do this. It's what you want." even when I can barely express what I'm worried about.
If fate has gears, we are the reason that they turn.
Thanks to one of those little epiphanies my world might just get a little bigger. A little more fun. And maybe I'll even make something to be proud of. So watch me. Go ahead and think you're better than me for now. I don't even remember why I cared.
--反功生命--
(conceited is my middle name)
Mute Friendship
I felt awake for the first time since coming back from Florida yesterday. I mean, really awake, not just rested after sleeping. It happens all the time, one day I'm just living, and the next day I'm wide awake and seeing everything for what it is. Seeing where I should go and what I should do and it all seems so easy...but I can't seem to keep hold of that type of day for long. My motivation and energy seep away before I can even get organized.
Of course, I know what woke me up this time. I often don't, but this one's pretty obvious. It's a shame I am the way that I am. At this rate I'll never do the things I want to because I'm too proud to appear to be copying someone. But that's the way it goes. If you keep things to yourself there's no proof that you thought of it first, is there? Years of planning up in smoke, because 'me too' is my least favorite phrase ever.
間違いだらけのコミュニケーション
For a moment I actually thought, "It might be OK, I could try it..." and then I remembered, no, no, that's not what I do. Other people work together, not me. That's not who I am or who people expect me to be. I will always be the one who floats off alone. I don't need them, so of course I don't want them. I don't want them so of course I'm not interested in them. I'm not interested in them so of course I won't invite them in. And I can't do things that might make it appear that I had changed my mind.
自分だけどこか取り残された...
Deicide
I'm having a confused moment...it's one of those times when I think I have something to say, only I don't know what it is.
I had to say goodbye to a bunch of kids today. It's the second school so far this year, but this one was a lot sadder than the one in July. We took pictures and they gave me stuff just like always, and I thought I wouldn't cry, just like always but....somehow it was different. I think I might actually miss them...or maybe it's just because I know this is the beginning of all the goodbyes that will come in the next 6 months...and here I was thinking I didn't want to do this anymore....just yesterday I was telling my friend Aya that it was just work now, that I'd stopped having fun with little kids so maybe it was time for me to teach somewhere else. And then today I had this sickening, floaty feeling like, "this is where I'm supposed to be" or some other sentimental nonsense that I don't believe in.
...探してでも絡まって...
I've been putting off thinking seriously about having a new job. Not about finding one, I've looked into lots of places & I'll be sending out resumes soon. It's easily, mindlessly done really. I just can't think about having one. I've been happier with my current one than possibly any other job I've ever had. Sure, it has its frustrating moments but I'm used to it, and more importantly I'm good at it, and thinking about having to learn the way things work in a new place again isn't all that appealing. People like me here. Sometimes it bothers me, the pressure of their expectations, but in the long run I know it's good for me. Things should just get easier if I stayed here. If I could stay here.
With having a new job comes, most likely, living in a new place. Something's going to change. Something has to, whether I want it to or not. I'll move and other people will do what's right for them, and life will go on down separate roads for all of us. It's nothing new to me. But I still don't really like it. I can't think about having the new job, but I can think about what it might be like to live in a couple of places. Both could be fun, but either one will leave me with a gaping hole where someone important has slipped a little farther away...
This really isn't a decision I want to make.
...愚かで美し...
