It's been a while since I've posted on here.
I feel like I just blinked and it's already been two years. I was so surprised that when I saw my last post, it was dated 2018

Before I go into all of my life updates/rants/whatever, I'm currently listening to Anberlin's album, Lost Songs, if anyone is interested. They're one of my all time favorite bands and I've been blessed to see them in concert twice
I also just finished watching Crash Landing on You, which is a Netflix kdrama, and I loved that a lot too. My husband isn't used to watching kdramas but he enjoyed it a lot...but now needs some time to regulate his blood pressure from the stress LOL so we've been watching funny mindless animes like Monthly Girl's Nozaki-kun and Haven't you Heard? I'm Sakamoto.

Well, the funny thing is I was in the middle of writing up a post a few months back, but then time got away from me and all of my post got erased and then I never got a chance to catch up, and I was also frustrated and kinda chucked it altogether instead of trying to remember what I wrote. Sometimes, I write these things in the heat of the moment, you know?

Well anyways, next month I will be married for three years, so that's pretty exciting! I honestly can't believe that time has passed so quickly. A little while ago, I did a 30 day song challenge, and some of the ones that I picked really brought me back to when we were still getting to know each other and then when we were still dating. Was college really that long ago? I'm getting old.....

Last year in December, we had our first baby. He's a big boy and a total sweetie. He was born big too, weighing in at nine pounds and four ounces I love my family so much and I'm so blessed to have them and so very thankful. I will admit though, the shift from being just independent and living my life with someone else who is very independent and suddenly becoming a mom is...wow. It's tough. I don't think I've ever done something so wonderful and so hard at the same time. I absolutely love my child and love being his mom, but some days, I find myself being like "who am I?"
The demands that are suddenly put upon me are a lot and rising to those demands is costly and can be taxing. It's crazy though because despite all of it, I've hit that point that I know it's worth it. It is so worth it. I feel like only moms can truly understand the depth of what I mean when I say that. I want to give my child all that I possibly can, but I also don't want to lose sight of myself. That's where I am right now, currently trying to figure it all out. I'm taking an online class, titled Mother Up and have joined the Mother Up Community and that's what the focus is on right now. I honestly have only done the first lesson so far, but it's very informative and I feel like I'm taking the steps to finding the balance of being a Mom and incorporating that into who I am as a whole instead of just being so absorbed into the large role that is motherhood and losing myself.

Let's see, what else...umm, I'm really excited for conventions to be a thing again because I am looking forward to family cosplay LOL
Everything with COVID-19 has been so interesting and different. Personally though, I don't mind wearing masks, and I don't mind everyone else wearing a mask. This is totally okay if it's the new norm for the whole world. Keep your germs to yourself if you can help it LOL
Anyways, I don't want to get into politics because everything on the news and in the world is becoming politics and it honestly just gives me a headache.
I hope whoever is reading this is healthy and well and I hope that you stay healthy and well.

It's been nice getting a chance to update this and read my old posts to see what was going through my mind at the time haha, I hope that it entertains whoever reads this. Hopefully it won't be another two years before I update...the only reason why I was able to post this at the moment is because the boys are still sleeping and I got up early and didn't feel like going back to bed or doing chores LOL

Thanks again to all who read this! Hope to come back soon! <3 <3 <3

Mental break.

So, I have been thinking about posting on here for a while now, but then before I started typing this, I read the last post I made and have become a little unmotivated to do so. Honestly, I feel as though I've been pretty unmotivated to do a lot of things lately. I want to give life updates, especially since I feel like the ones from last post need them, however, I just want to play games and watch anime. So right now, I'll give an update of what I've been into lately.

Ever since I've gotten married, I haven't been quite as involved with Pokemon Go as I used to be. Now, I've been logging in quite frequently again, but not as intense as I used to be. I just now looked up all of the official updates since the last time I intensely played and have discovered some of them already from logging in again. It's also awesome because my husband just downloaded it (FINALLY) and now we go out Pokemon Go-ing together, which is super awesome for me :D

Another thing that the both of us have been into lately is Log Horizon. I know it's been around for a while, and it has been on my list of ones to check out/watch, so I've FINALLY gotten into that too, and it's great too because my husband is watching it with me because he liked Sword Art Online. So far, we really like it. The way it progresses really keeps you engaged and there isn't massive episodes dedicated to filler. Also, at the moment I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! It makes me wonder if my mind is still going to boggling with a lot of them by the time we finish these two seasons...
On the side, I've also finished watching Himouto! Umaru-chan and then decided to take the feels train again and re-watch Your Lie in April. Honestly, I just hit a point last night where I decided that I needed a reason to ugly cry just to get it off of my chest. You know how sometimes after throwing up you feel so much better? Crying sometimes does that for me. I dunno, maybe I'm just weird, maybe it's Maybelline.

If I'm confusing anyone who is so gracious as to read my posts, I'm sorry. but hey, it's probably pretty refreshing to read after all of my existential crisis posts and to anyone who reads these, or even just this one, thank you so much for giving this your time.

Also, even though this world is pretty much dedicated to my life and all of its rants, essentially this is a platform for otakus and I wanted to remind you all that I am still one too, it's just that I use this for real-life ranting. It does help me gather my thoughts and escape reality in a way though, just like anime and anime-related things can do.

Oh! And I almost forgot another thing......
KINGDOM HEARTS 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(to be continued)

Tears of the Confused and Reassurance of Something More

Just so you know, this is going to be a potentially upsetting post, so if you continue to read this, you are warned. But then, I have some afterthoughts in the end. So this is basically a bi-polar post.

I know right. I'm already posting again so soon. It's amazing how fast things can change. I have decided that I have cried too much today already so maybe typing up my thoughts on here will put me at ease. And honestly probably make me cry more. Oh well. I will hopefully be ready to face everything again with less tears. I was just ready to burst at the seams. And well, I did, but covered it all up, hopefully.
I don't really know exactly how I've been lately. I'm really excited about car things being finished and the fact that I am on my way to having a part time job...except that I feel like I should be doing more with my life. I feel like I should be more productive, I should have a better income, I should be more social. I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can be the type of person who just sits still and do nothing. I'm honestly in this weird restless and at the same time lazy position where I'm just wasting away or something. I'm not entirely sure. I really do feel very confused about a lot of things though, even though I feel like I'm getting things, I definitely don't feel like I'm actually there.
What about kids, you say?
To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to have children yet, and honestly when I'm super down I wonder if I was even ready to be married yet if I'm not ready for that yet. I think adjusting is harder than I thought it was initially. And to be honest, I like kids, but they kinda make me nervous in a way. Well, thinking on the topic it does anyways. Also, the idea of me carrying a child inside me and raising it scares me. I definitely feel like I'm not ready to be a parent. Like do I even have mom skills? I have a bunch of other feelings on this too that are conflicting, but I've never really addressed that I'm scared and nervous until on here.
I think I am home sick.
Like, really really home sick. So homesick that when I was telling one of my best friends (who, by the way had an exam today and was still willing to do emergency girl time for me...this is why she makes the list of my inner sanctum) she pointed it out right away that I'm feeling jealous that my husband's family is so easily accessible to us.
I just need a serious angst party. Honestly, those are just parties of 1 but where can I even have that? The weather needs to be good again so I can run away lol I'm already working on a playlist
^I made the first part of the post when I was really feeling low...like scraping the bottom and really confused low. After visiting this post again, I decided to keep it so I can remember what I felt like a few days ago. Things really do change so quickly lol I couldn't handle it anymore and after my sleepless night of existential crisis and homesickness and extreme confusion, I confronted my husband about the things after praying about it and giving myself some space by taking a walk for some fresh air alone in a beautiful park we recently discovered. God is so merciful and kind, I even got to pet a dog and the weather really cleared up while I was walking. I decided on a plan of action and then made an effort to be kinder because my husband probably has no idea how I'm actually doing. So later that night I decided to tell him what I had decided about whether or not I should go down to visit my family or not. There was a bit of an issue and then I had to explain more, even though I said I couldn't right now because I knew that if I told him then I would fall apart. But then, I ended up telling him everything and just sobbed quietly under a blanket because I hate people seeing me cry. And I ended up telling him everything because he wasn't getting where I was coming from so in order for him to understand, I decided to lay it all out there. It was hard but it turned out okay. The next day was actually one of the best days we've ever had in a while. Well, I really enjoyed it and I hope he did too. It looked like he did and he even said, so I'm trusting that :) I think I'm still not ready for kids yet, but I'm trying to be open minded. If I discover that I am, then I'll just put it in God's hands. If He leads me to it, He'll lead me through it, right? I go back and forth with that but in the end that's always the conclusion that I come to. So yeah, I'm definitely in a better place now. Everything is slowly falling into place and I just needed some time to figure out what's going inside of me and then talking it out with the human being on this earth who is closest to me. I'm glad we're on the same team. I'm so thankful.

That probably sounds like it doesn't make much sense. Basically I had some issues and missed what I was used to. Miles understood though, after a lot of talking since I'm the worst at explaining. I'm going to go visit but by my decision and rules. In addition to that I know that he is very kind and understanding, but I told him that I don't want him to think that we should be seeing his family less. It just means that I wanted to let him know where I was at with a lot of things. And that I was feeling jealous and a little bit left out. And a lot of things. But I didn't want him to feel bad, because that's the reason why I don't want to tell him things in the first place.

We're basically just two people who love the other person so much that it can lead to a failure of communication for fear of hurting the other person. But I guess that's most relationships. It's just so funny, sad, and ironic all at the same time...but I guess that's life.

We must continue living, but I'm willing to risk hardships on both sides in order to continue living together, even though that alone is hard.

We must continue living together, because we're a team.

What is going on inside my brain?

Hello! Today I am here just to mindlessly rant, honestly.

I'm still married, so no worries :P I got a part time job so I can do things but it's super flexible and I think that I'll like it a lot. I want to ease myself back into work but I definitely feel like it will be exciting to do it again.

It's funny because one of my goals for when we were married was for my now husband to eat and sleep consistently and well, but I didn't realize his goal for me was to finally be able to relax. I will admit, it's been so nice but also at the same time I feel like I haven't been contributing to anything aside from work around the house, which honestly isn't my forte aside from cooking.

Also, my car is almost FINALLY ready for me to drive around in!!! I've honestly missed it and also just having my own car to run around in, even if it's old it's still reliable :)

I'm feeling strangely productive and not at the same time these days lol but I guess that's okay for now. For some reason I keep having a sense of urgency but that may just be because my life has always been so hectic until now, who knows?

I need to register for CPR classes but I was told it would be payed for but online it says I need to pay $40 so I haven't done that yet and will call my supervisor later on and figure out what's going on, but for now, I'm just on here. The dishes also need to be washed, but I really don't want to do that either.

Hahahaha I guess you can say that I am procrastinating

I've recently gotten addicted to this kdrama, Doctors. If you like medical dramas, I highly recommend it! It's so good!!! Not only does it have actual issues you find in a drama (i.e. love triangles, people with traumatic pasts, etc) but it actually covers legitimate issues that are going on in the medical field right now. It also makes me wonder what I would have been like if I followed through and actually went into the medical field, but it also reminds me of what I didn't like about it too. Haha it's been interesting and surprising that I find myself incorporating aspects of it into my own life and past experiences. Sometimes kdramas cover issues that are things that I've actually had to deal with, such as always being told what to do from my parents and the pressure to live in their shadow and follow their footsteps.

Maybe it's because I'm married and moved away and everyone else is so busy back in my hometown, but Mom hasn't pressured me to go back to school to become a nurse or something anymore. Of course, I haven't told her that I would be working part time for a Recreational Center as a playroom attendant, but I'm sure that she'll take it worse than Dad haha Oh well. She likes to think of a new life plan for me every day. Well, it used to be like that anyways. I know both of them just want me to be stable and earning the big bucks, but I need to also discover who I am at the same time.

Ha, discovering myself. I'm convinced that is a life-long process. I have no idea who I am lol but I'm working on it. According to the Myers Briggs, I am an ENFP. And according to all of the funny things that I find on Pinterest and Tumblr about ENFPs, I can agree with them for the most part. It's funny. I learned in Psychology that they aren't meant to put you in a box, just to show what your natural tendencies are, but I can definitely tell that I have had some nurture and nature things that have influenced who I am today. I know that I am unique, but it's so funny seeing how relatable those things can be. I guess even though we're all unique, and I definitely take pride in being my own person and being unique, we as humans still crave community of some sort.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll be back again soon. Thanks for reading this, who ever you are. You're great!

What am I even doing?

Hello everyone!
So basically, if there was an award for the most inconsistent blogger ever, I would probably win that award. I want to welcome and thank anyone who ever comes across my blog. Shout out to my long-time readers, you guys probably hate me haha but thank you so much for sticking it out, you guys definitely deserve a gold star! Or, if no one actually reads these, that's fine too. If anyone is out there reading this though, I just want you know that I appreciate you very much :)

Current Mood: Honestly I'm a little sad and lost and confused. And I guess in all of that a little lonely, but with prayer and the support of my husband, I'm getting better, step by step.

So now, a bunch of updates plus details and hopefully I'll be able to tie it all in together this time around. Again, thank you for bearing with me. Especially with my incorrect tense forms and whatever else. Grammar police can just take me away now...

1. Well, I got married this past July!
This was probably the most stressful yet exciting thing ever. For anyone who ever gets engaged, based on my experience, in the beginning it will be complete bliss. Then, although you and your man may possibly have everything figured out or are working things out together, even if you're on the same wavelength there will be other people inquiring about your wedding who honestly most of them do have good intentions, but then they'll forcefully input their opinions or won't agree with what you're thinking or whatever. Even if you don't ask. These people could be random strangers, co-workers, friends, family, your own mother, etc. Then at the very end it could get a little bit stressful just tying some last ends and getting some last minute details together. But then, at the end of it all you realize that you are still getting married to this wonderful person and you've been able to put up with all of this crap other people have been throwing at you and you realize that he's worth it and then TA-DAAN! You're married. Then relief and even more bliss will follow. Honestly with my dad's health and everything else just made the prep work that much worse but it's September now and honestly I still have these moments of "Oh my goodness I am married to this man. I am his wife. THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!" After dating for nearly five years, I am so excited and thankful and everything.

2. I moved.
Completely new area. The places are barely familiar and only my husband and his family and a few friends from college who live at least 30 minutes away are what I recognize. When I say recognize I mean more than just that though, but I need another word and can't think of one aside from "familiar" haha
(recap: my husband and I were in a long distance relationship until we got married, then I moved to his area because I figured that he is the one with the stable job, a car that's actually his, and he has his own place and isn't living with his parents still. Where there I was, with a full time job as a librarian that unfortunately didn't get paid nearly as much. I had a car too, but it's twelve years old and my mom just passed it down so she could get a new car, but everything legally was still under her name. Plus, I was still living with my parents. Also, I'm from a small town, which definitely has its perks, but if he moved down here he would probably have a hard time with job hunting. Also, I think between the two of us, I'm the one who adjusts better to new things. So I decided to make the sacrifice, because I'm the more adventurous one. )

3. Basically, I am in the process of an extreme transition.
Well, new everything. Now that my husband is working again (he's a teacher and school is back in session...*sigh*) I'm kinda left home alone for 8 hours with nothing to do. Even though he teaches upstairs in his office (online teacher) I'm just everywhere else, by myself. I will admit, facing reality after the bliss of being married and then our honeymoon and then just the time before the school year not having to worry about work and just doing anything and everything at our own pace was so nice. And I mean SO NICE. It was almost a fairy tale. Especially after being in a long distance relationship for so long, I love just being around him all the time, because we finally have that opportunity. Just spending time with each other, finally no reservations, plus I'm an extrovert and my main love language is quality time so it didn't bother me at all. Also, this is going to sound extremely childish of me, but he becomes more grown up and mature whenever work comes back around again. He even told me that, which is funny because I've already noticed. I already noticed that when we were still in college and it was his senior year. At the time I remember thinking "so this is what's going to be like from here on." Funny how things go full-circle, right? I mean, he is older than me and stuff, but not by much and I don't feel that age gap. But at the same time personality wise he is just more responsible and mature than I am, so now that he's working again I kinda feel like that kid who lost her playmate. Also, since I know how busy work can get, I feel like that kid who is too shy and kinda discouraged to ask if their playmate wants to do anything because I don't want to inconvenience them. So yeah, it does all make me kinda lonely...

4. I am currently unemployed but my husband has a job so that's why I'm not living in a box...
It doesn't really stress me out...well, only slightly. I'm not exactly eager to start working, I just feel like I need to. My mom is the main provider for my family and for some reason our family is set up to where the men don't do as much as the women do. I guess we all have issues but especially our men, and most of those issues unfortunately can't be helped (like health reasons, psychological development and others' inability to cooperate properly, or just pure laziness). I was always running around taking care of my family while balancing job and then wedding planning that suddenly being in a situation where I could sit still at first was nice, but then I started to feel kinda guilty and pressured because my mom would continuously be asking me how job hunting was or if I decided that I wanted to go back to school. But then, my mother-in-law said I didn't need to be in a rush and even decide to just not work if I wanted to. Honestly that does sound kinda nice, but I have a student loan and I don't want all of the monetary stress to fall on my husband. I don't mind working and I even told him that although I really appreciate that he would be okay with that, I might actually get tired from staying at home all of the time. I mean, I'm an extrovert haha but for now I guess it's just nice being able to take my time...but then, I started to really struggle with feeling useless. Lately, I've been hearing a lot of updates from my family back home and it's so weird because I'm so used to being there to take care of everything and iron things out and be supportive by being there to do things. But, I'm not there, so I can only talk to people and give suggestions whenever I can instead of putting things into action. It's definitely been different. Also, with Miles going back to work and me just lounging around at home, I don't know, I just don't want to feel like I'm not helping or anything and lately I've been feeling like, well, that I'm honestly just "here" and that's it. Like, things have been going on and life is going on and the best I can do right now is just take up space or something. I mean like I said, I'm not eager to jump into a job, I just feel like I need to. The only problem is (well, maybe not the ONLY problem), I'm not used to thinking for myself. I have moved from a place where I just had to take whatever I could get, to a place where I can actually think about what I want to pursue, and that's really weird for me. I honestly don't know what I want, or what I like, and it makes me feel a little bit like I don't know who I am anymore.

5. I have no idea what I'm doing with anything.
But to be honest, after talking with my husband and having him reassure me, I definitely feel a lot better. He's honestly been doing so much for me and all that he can to make this transition as comfortable as it can me, and that's so nice :) I feel like I've been starting to fall in the depths of how I've been feeling that I haven't been noticing how hard he's been trying to me, for us. It really means so much to me that he's always looking out for me, and I feel so bad because I hadn't realized it.

Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I have to remember that for right now, it's okay. Things will definitely just be going up from here. :)

Until next time!