Writing introductions is a bit tedious so....just take a look at my first post if you want to know more....
....and if you get curious about the name of this World or my posts, check out the second one.
- Created By Sailor Nevar
A Jail Called Remorse
It's over.
I read it all.
There's no more.
I thought there was more coming, but I was wrong.
Again.
OK, so I'm being melodramatic. Obviously. It's just a story. (someone keep telling me that, please...)
-I keep having this urge to type song lyrics into my post. I used to do this weird thing where every other phrase was one. It usually ended up not making much sense.-
So in the end, it was worth reading I think. Of course I still can't help wishing it wasn't over. Can't help wishing I'd stretched it out just a little bit longer. Wishing I'd slept a bit more in between. Yeah, more sleep would definitely have helped with a lot of things.
-Ok, maybe just a few....-
Of course, now that it's done. I can't change this. It's done. I can never take this back. And that's all there is to it. I can't change your mind. No going back, no pretending.
"For once a thing has been known, it can never again be unknown."
-bleh, enough of that-
It's a sad thought, but maybe a little bit hopeful too. Once you know something, you can try to understand it and then maybe look at it in a different way. Maybe the next time I'll see it from another character's point of view. Maybe I can see beyond the confine's of Edward's self-sacrificing, self-blaming, overprotective head.
Or maybe not.
It's not like he could ever act differently either.
Crossing the Rubicon
This morning I couldn't see the mountain. The Mountain, that is. This of course is the worst part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If something happening is good, then by definition that same thing NOT happening is bad. It's Wednesday. I told myself, "don't panic. It doesn't mean it has to be a bad day". After all, I lived almost the entire summer without seeing Mt. Fuji and I was just fine. Plenty of good days. Not many bad ones. Most of them were just normal of course, I can't go as far as to count anything not bad as "good".
Still, it was Wednesday. Hump-day, they call it. It's really the day that sets the tone of the week I think. Monday and Tuesday, you just live through them. And when your brain wakes up on Wednesday you wonder. What's this week like? How's it going to come out in the end? It's a precarious place to be, Wednesday. You sit waiting. Waiting for something -good or bad- to happen. Just something. Anything really. A sign that things are still in motion.
All day I thought about the humps I had to get over while I waited. Waited for that inevitable time when it would be downhill again. Downhill to the end of the day. Downhill to the end of the week. Downhill and back to my jr. high school at the foot of the mountains where it's so much colder than in the city near my apartment. And I realized as I sat watching the seconds tick by, while the hump appears to be an obstacle that once cleared will allow you to slide happily downhill, the descent is always bittersweet. For lack of a less cliched word......
I finished the third of my books last night. Around 11pm. I actually could have gotten a decent night's rest, but of course I couldn't fall asleep very easily since I've been keeping such ridiculous hours. Being that there are only 4 books published I'm well into the downhill slide on this one. And it's painful. I don't want it to end. I know it won't end now, there's more to come, but I also have a sinking (sliding?) feeling that the end won't be what I want it to. For that reason I'm not starting the fourth one tonight. I'm going to pretend not to think about it. It's getting easier to deny the craving now that I've been reading them for a while. Like the vampire who subsists on the blood of animals, over time the desire to not feel a different kind of pain overwhelms the thirst for human blood. I can go a little longer between reading sessions now I think.
Maybe it's just exhaustion or maybe it's the desire to not reach the bottom of the hill, but either way I can't give in to it yet. I've already passed the point of no return of course, but I can delay the inevitable for a little bit longer. Stop my mental time on Thursday morning perhaps. Not such a bad place to be, Thursday. The world spreads out in front of you on Thursday. The weekend holds infinite possibilities on Thursday. I was born on a Thursday.
Twleve Tone Rendezvous
Muse
I love their music. I've always described listening to it as feeling like you're drowning, and you like it. A bit dangerous for extended listening really.
As I've been reading my vampire stories I felt like I wanted to listen to the two albums I have over and over. Then, on a whim, I went to the author's website. OK, so I was really looking for the leaked partial draft of the alternate perspective version of the first book, but still.......it counts as a whim. I found it of course, and lots of other information that I'd been telling myself I didn't want to know until after I was done with the 4 completed books.
What I didn't expect to find, was playlists. She has one, sometimes two, for each of the books and not just the songs, the actual player is there. One click of a button and you have the perfect, intended soundtrack for reading. I knew nearly every song, or at least the band who performed it. But the one that occurred most often (and led me to go download two more albums) was Muse. And really how could it have been otherwise? And then of course I read her paragraph long thanks to them in the end of the second book (somewhere around 3:30am) and it couldn't have been clearer.
Don't Lose Your Grip
Yesterday was not floating.
Yesterday was all suffocating. Suffocating with the desire to be only one place, and do only one thing, all day & all night. Suffocating with the knowledge that doing it would only make it more painful.
The second book is not so happy.
The sun is out today and I haven't read anymore. I'm thinking finishing by Monday is pretty much impossible. It's been over 24 hours and the insanity hasn't lessened any. When I woke up this morning I discovered I'd ripped skin off of, not one, but six of my fingers at some point during the night. A sure sign that I was fighting to keep something in. The sleep deprivation induced nausea is perpetuating itself as well. I remember being 15 or 16 and feeling this way every single day. It was rather unpleasant.
Another strange memory that popped up was from college. Both my parents, my boyfriend, his mother, and his sister were crazy obsessed with Harry Potter. I was staying away b/c I'd already entered my "anime & manga only" phase, & my brother at 16 or so was waaaayyyy too cool for that kind of thing. One winter, when I was visiting Gainesville, I went to say goodnight to him in his room. It seemed perfectly normal. Tim was always in his room. Always. As I walked in the door he jumped up from his bed & shoved something under his pillow. No, it wasn't porn. I stared at him incredulously,
"Are you reading Harry Potter?!?" I asked
"Shhh!" His eyes were wild. "Don't tell Mom & Dad!" He was pleading.
I shrugged, "I won't, but.......why?"
"Katy, you don't understand," he sat down & pulled the book back out. "I hate it, but I can't stop reading! They're the literary equivalent of nicotine!"
I didn't crack for another year or so, but he was right. And if HP is nicotine, Twilight is more like heroin.
Withdrawal is not pretty.
Memories in the Rain 2, op.2: Longing for Sanctuary
The child of the sun is drowning.
It's cold here, it's cold and it's wet and it's dark. Sounds like Forks, Washington to me. A girl from Phoenix was never intended to live in a place like that. And a girl from Florida was never intended to be in a place like this. Seriously, we can't hold up against it without, without.......something.......
I went back to my dreamland today. Elementary school. It wasn't one of my favorites though, or even one I particularly liked and maybe because of that every so often when a teacher was talking I'd tune out just like at jr high. I'd drift off for just a minute into Bella & Edward land. So I spent the whole day floating. Not that floating is a bad thing really, it's just.......
Anyway, I don't suppose any of this really helps my already vampiric tendencies. Apparently they're more apparent to others than I'd realized too. My adopted twin said just the other day, "If you're going to kill me in my sleep, just turn me into a vampire instead."
Maybe he was joking.....
I'm currently handicapping the odds on finishing 3 books in one weekend. That's obsession. I'm also contemplating printing out a few chapters (on the back of old lesson plans of course, waste not want not!) & taking them to work tomorrow. I hope it keeps raining. That way when I do finish it all & crash into the post-story emptiness face first it won't feel quite so foolish.
