A Change of View

You know, I don't like making other people sad either. Funny how the world around you can just crumble so quickly. I'm tired...I'm tired of feeling so numb, of feeling nothing. Life really can be overwhelming, but I know I will come out of this stronger. I thought I had more to say, but something within me is beginning to stir (and it's not my grumbling stomach LoL). I think I'm starting to get better now...hopefully. :)

Honey, I'm going down

I fear it may be happening...I'm losing sight of myself. I don't know who to be, or who I am anymore. Where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? Why can't I be a Christian music artist? That indeed would be amazing. I'm not good at anything, I'm just pretty well rounded, but average at best. My dream just got attacked by a couple of cannon balls because I was just now told by someone who minored in voice that I'm not good enough and won't make it as a music major in voice. I'm torn, because a part of me is like (Ha! I knew it, I'm not good enough for this, I don't make the cut. " But another part is telling me "So? That's her opinion. I just need to work harder and do my best. I can't please everyone." I just feel so...torn. :(

I don't even know who to turn to. It's all just so ridiculous. My parents don't want me to pursue music, they want me to be a nurse practitioner who specializes in dermatology. In fact, the whole Asian community wants me to go into the medical field, because they fear that there's no life in music T-T It...kills me inside, along with many other things. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother. I don't know what to do. There's just too much in my life. I don't mind being by myself, but the loneliness does get old after awhile.

Why can't I do anything right? I honestly wish I could have at least a little idea of what God has in store for me. At first, I really thought I knew, but it seems as though the more I think I come to know, the more I seem farther from where I've been. I feel like I'm running in circles after something that I feel is important to me, and yet I have no clue as to what that thing may be. So, the chase continues.

leaving sanity to the insane

I'm such a crazy, pathetic, person. I need to keep my guard up better...like I said before, it's so scary how fast I fall. It really is the music this time. Our main, strong, common passion. Oh how I admire it so, in a way that just makes sense in this insensible way. I need to make sure, that this isn't all in my head. I need to make sure that I will still be able to move on. Time...does it really do anything? Or, is it all an illusion? Just a part of the mind that keeps you up to date...I know, I'm not making any sense here. There are so many things I wish put to words, but I just can't. Sometimes, especially for me, things are just felt, and can't be described. That very previous statement, is the truth behind the failure of my expression.

Music just makes sense to me. Is it insanity to say a thing like that? I'd rather tell you how I feel through song, rather than sit down and talk about how I feel.

I'm going crazy. That's that. Everything drives me nuts.

it rains in the city of love

All I can do is go on, moving forward...what else can I do? I can't dwell on what's been done, or else I will just be living in my yesterday. It's funny how things can surface, and resurface, so quickly. I'm making sure that I bury this now, and that it won't ever come up again. He was only out to hurt me anyways...
It's so crazy how fast I can fall, it's kinda scary really. I guess it's because of the music. Who knew that learning to love could hurt so much? It makes you so happy, and you want to see them happy, no matter what...even if that puts what you think is happy at stake. It gives me pain, but seeing them so happy, makes me happy just the same...how bittersweet a thing love is.

...his dreams...

So, I have this friend, and he told me that I was in a very long and elaborate dream last night...weird huh? Then, I find out it was one of those "horribly horribly dirty...sexual" dreams. Well, that's what he said. Personally, I think it's a bit out there, but he doesn't want to tell me because he thinks that I'll not be able to look at him the same way.
I told him that wouldn't happen, that I wouldn't let some silly dream get in between us, I care about him waay too much to let something like that happen. He's still reluctant to tell me more, but he said he would eventually.
Truthfully, it doesn't matter if he tells me or not, but I'm going to make sure it doesn't change my perspective of him...why would it? Although, it does feel...nice to know that he cares. :) I guess, it'll just depend on if he wants to tell me or not, even though he really wants to know if I want to know. At first, I did. But now, honestly, I'm not so sure. I don't know if once I get what I want, I'll want what I get. You know what I mean?
I used to like this guy, a whole lot more than I do now. But, after all that's happened, I've come to terms with myself and accepted that we could never be...now my longing has turned into a tender soft spot, or so I think. I'm pretty sure that's how we are, just really good friends. and you know, that seems to be ok with me, as long as I have him around, I'm happy.